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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to stop cooking for my ungrateful H?

146 replies

haggardolebat · 01/03/2014 09:40

Hello!
So my husband and I just moved into our own home, and I've started to cook now. RD and I eat what I cook but everytime I cook for him he'll come home and decline my meals. I feel really bad because I am trying to be a supportive wife as he works 6 days a week and he's supporting me by doing so (SAHM) But I don't what to do since he doesn't want to eat it. he'd look at it like it's poison and eat a few spoonfuls and then make his own dinner. We are from different cultures, I'm English and his family is Ghanaian. His mother has always been his cook, even after we got married, because we were living with her while saving for our place. And she'd always do the cooking for the family. I always helped her cook but the time taken to cook a meal is unrealistic for me to do everyday (She spends the whole day cooking and loves it but I have school pick ups etc and I'm 39 weeks pregnant too) not to mention, it takes a lot of practice and I don't want to experiment with dinner.

AIBU to stop cooking for him and just cook for DD and I? I know it'll cause fights between us which I really do not want, but I can't take the insults. The food I cook is loved by DD and she's a fussy eater so it's not like it's disgusting food.

What would you do?

OP posts:
antimatter · 01/03/2014 20:03

He is being difficult.
Doesn't he eat at relatives houses? Not everyone cooks like his mum!
Even him Smile

If he doesn't want you to learn how to cook food he likes I don't know where you would go from there Sad

Also cooking 2 kinds of food would be a nightmare!

AlpacaLypse · 01/03/2014 20:08

Sorry OP your H is a dick on so many levels, I'm completely bewildered why you married him.

Original poster
haggardolebat · 01/03/2014 20:19

antimatter it's a pain because I have no idea how and really don't like experimenting with dinner, especially when DD eats the same thing.

He's home now.. I can hear him in the kitchen but I'm minding my own business.

"Where do you go from here?" I don't know. That's why I asked if IWBU if I stopped cooking for him. My sister informed my mum and she's told me to "stop cooking for him, he knows what he wants so he can make it. we shall see how long it lasts when he's tired from work everyday"

OP posts:
trufflehunterthebadger · 01/03/2014 20:27

"You married me knowing I only eat Ghanaian food so who's fault is that?"

Suggest he fucks off and finds himself a Ghanaian wife instead then. And if he's so dismissive of English food why live in England.

The whole point of a cross cultural marriage is surely that you learn about each others cultures and enjoy both. Not that one of you tells the other that you won't eat their food thanks very much. I assume you never said to him "I only eat English food, none of your Ghanaian muck for me thanks"

For me the provision of food is my main expression of love. If I like you I will feed you something I hope you will like and appreciate the thought behind it. I would be fuming if DH treated me like this (and he's certainly not the most effusive person)

RhondaJean · 01/03/2014 20:34

Has he eaten the pizza?

Original poster
haggardolebat · 01/03/2014 20:36

"I hope you will like and appreciate the thought behind it". That's how I felt.

I spent ages cooking when I could've used that time to rest but instead went to Asda to buy the ingredients, haul the heavy sack of potatoes back, cook it only for him to have three forkfuls of it.

He didn't even care that he offended me when he proceeded to fry his plantain and ask me if I wanted a cup of tea. No, you ungrateful twit, I wouldn't like a cup of tea

OP posts:
Original poster
haggardolebat · 01/03/2014 20:36

I haven't left my room Rhonda. I'll check when I go to turn the heating off.

OP posts:
RhondaJean · 01/03/2014 20:41

If he hasn't eaten the pizza when he quite clearly does eat pizza, you've got a major problem I would say.

trufflehunterthebadger · 01/03/2014 20:41

He buys pizza from Asda so he can't use that as an excuse.. unless he stops by McDonald's after work

I didn't know McDonalds or Asda pizzas did a Ghanaian range.. So much for "only eating Ghanaian food"

Original poster
haggardolebat · 01/03/2014 20:43

Then how can I solve it? It's hardly punishment for him if I stopped cooking for him so what else can I do?

I've read LTB but is it worth it over this? I'm only asking as it's such a final decision

OP posts:
MadAsFish · 01/03/2014 20:43

"it's your role as a wife and a mother to be cooking for the whole household. You can't pick and choose what God ordained"

W T A F

mousmous · 01/03/2014 20:48

imo this goes much deeper than 'not eating dinner'
it's about respect.
he doesn't seem to have much respect for you, does he?

trufflehunterthebadger · 01/03/2014 20:48

OP, I really think you should try the suggestion of masquerading MILs food in place of your own.

Then you will know whether it is case of (a) obnoxiously fussy palate that only Mummy Dearest's food can please or (b) he's a piece of work that is trying to get "your place" firmly established in your mind and will use whatever tools (religious, cooking) he requires to facilitate this.

Scenario A IMHO can be worked on. Scenario B is time to ship out

Melonbreath · 01/03/2014 20:49

It is worth ltb because this isn't really about food is it? Say you did spend all day cooking what he wanted. How long before he finds another fault with you?
And I would have headed for the hills at the wife and god remark alone

Hissy · 01/03/2014 20:51

LTB, but not for the food.

Not for the food alone. No.

For the way he thinks it's acceptable to treat you.

For the way your dc will be 'educated' by him.

For the way he'll crush your very soul with his misogyny.

behindthetimes · 01/03/2014 20:57

If he's not actually complaining about the fact that he ends up making something else, then is it a problem? Can you have the attitude of, well this is what there is to eat today, if you don't like it then you can make something else?
I say this because I spent a lot of time guessing what my husband (also from an African country) was thinking, and getting it wrong. I made my own life a lot simpler by waiting until he actually complained about something!

As a SAHM I can imagine you do really want to cook for him, maybe try and talk to him about what sort of food he would like, get some tips from other women, but otherwise don't worry too much?
I also don't have the time (or inclination) to spend all day in the kitchen, but have learnt a couple of key dishes from my husbands culture, and got a recipe book which I take spice combinations from and do quicker versions, and that seems to go down quite well.
Best of luck.

FabBakerGirl · 01/03/2014 20:58

This is all part of his master plan to see how far he can push and control you. You need to put a stop to this right now otherwise it will only get worse.

EirikurNoromaour · 01/03/2014 21:00

His attitude to your food and your role is a huge issue and one that you don't seem happy with, so you need to have a good think about what that means for you both.
And yes, of course you should stop cooking for him.
When I was with XH, I would cook dinner and make enough for either him to have a bit or me to have another time. I wouldn't specifically cook for him but I wouldn't get offended if he preferred to cook his own dinner (different cultural background, plus yes a carni and I'm veggie). The difference was that he'd never insult my food or tell me it was my job to cook for him as the wife. And he was always appreciative if I tried making dishes from his country, even if they were blatantly not as nice as MIL's.

antimatter · 01/03/2014 21:07

well, he is angry with you but because you are pregnant he doesn't want to upset you
not liking food is an excuse

Original poster
haggardolebat · 01/03/2014 21:08

Maybe I'm looking at him as a whole which is why I'm not so keen to 'LTB' because the issue I have is food. BUT then I sat here and really thought about the possibility of him trying to put me in my place which could be the case but that's for another thread.

I went downstairs to turn the heating off and he cooked his own dinner. Oh well.

OP posts:
jellybelly18 · 01/03/2014 21:08

What Hissy said

Original poster
haggardolebat · 01/03/2014 21:10

Eirikur I'm not cooking anymore. tonight's the last straw.. I'm just not in the mood for impending arguments. I'm just thankful that my mum is coming over next week for two weeks.

OP posts:
Lottiedoubtie · 01/03/2014 21:12

Consider the whole picture when making the LTB decision.

  1. Does he treat you as an equal on every other issue?
  2. How does he speak to you when he is tired/happy/calm/angry/any other time.
  3. How often do you find yourself in your room avoiding him when he gets home from work.
  4. How is money split? Is it fair?
  5. Do you share his religious beliefs? Do you feel he uses religion to control you?
Original poster
haggardolebat · 01/03/2014 21:25

Lottie

  1. He has traditional ideas on our God given roles. He's the provider and the head of the house etc.
  1. Tired: he's not sociable most often dozes off but that's understandable.
Happy: he's can be really lovely. Angry: he takes himself away to calm down if the argument gets really heated but recently he argues until the cows come home. Maybe stress?
  1. When he's in a bad mood or if I don't want an argument.
  1. He's very fair with money. He never uses it to control me ever! He puts money into my account for household items, food and for DD and I to enjoy. You can't fault him on that at all! in fact he'd happily sacrifice himself and give it all to us.
  1. No we don't share the same beliefs and we've argued a lot over them. But I'm willing to compromise
OP posts:
Pobblewhohasnotoes · 01/03/2014 21:48

But I'm willing to compromise

He's not though is he.

That fact that he's happy eating in McDonalds says a lot.

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