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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to stop cooking for my ungrateful H?

146 replies

haggardolebat · 01/03/2014 09:40

Hello!
So my husband and I just moved into our own home, and I've started to cook now. RD and I eat what I cook but everytime I cook for him he'll come home and decline my meals. I feel really bad because I am trying to be a supportive wife as he works 6 days a week and he's supporting me by doing so (SAHM) But I don't what to do since he doesn't want to eat it. he'd look at it like it's poison and eat a few spoonfuls and then make his own dinner. We are from different cultures, I'm English and his family is Ghanaian. His mother has always been his cook, even after we got married, because we were living with her while saving for our place. And she'd always do the cooking for the family. I always helped her cook but the time taken to cook a meal is unrealistic for me to do everyday (She spends the whole day cooking and loves it but I have school pick ups etc and I'm 39 weeks pregnant too) not to mention, it takes a lot of practice and I don't want to experiment with dinner.

AIBU to stop cooking for him and just cook for DD and I? I know it'll cause fights between us which I really do not want, but I can't take the insults. The food I cook is loved by DD and she's a fussy eater so it's not like it's disgusting food.

What would you do?

OP posts:
GingerBlondecat · 01/03/2014 13:43

gamerchick Sat 01-Mar-14 13:23:51
so what will he do if you stop?

*Personally I would ask your MIL to prepare a dish saying you want to give it to him as a surprise so don't tell him.

Stick it in front of him* and if he makes a face or refuses it then you'll know exactly what kind of man you've married and then you can make your choices accordingly.

^^ do it

Finola1step · 01/03/2014 13:44

Well Haggard, he's told you plain and to the point, hasn't he? In his mind, you lived with his mother long enough so you should have learnt by now how to cook for him to his tastes. My goodness me!

I think maybe a test as gamerchick suggests could be interesting. How about some homemade jollof from his mum or is there a Ghanian restaurant nearby? Could you get a couple of items and pass them off as your own? See if he turns his nose up at any food he thinks you have cooked.

I wouldn't usually suggest anything like a test but, I think it might be revealing for you. It might just show you that this is nothing to do with food and everything to do with his perception of you as a woman, wife, life partner and individual who is entitled to respect. Or not in his view.

Good luck OP. Good luck.

iggymama · 01/03/2014 13:49

Assuming you do not plan to LTB, you need to find a way around this. If he can cook jollof rice then he can teach you to cook it how he likes it. Could it be cooked in bulk and frozen in individual portions? These meals that take all day to cook - I am sure they could be adapted for a slow cooker or pressure cooker. Again bulk cooking can be done so that you could have a selection of meals he can choose from.

The shortcuts to cooking this food must be out there somewhere.

MyNameIsKenAdams · 01/03/2014 13:50

Id just say "when I cook, im in charge, when you cook, you are in charge. If you want a specific meal that i dont cook well ebough then make it yourself"

RiverTam · 01/03/2014 13:52

he wouldn't eat the food your mother prepared? I think I would have been showing him the door at that point!

He is rude, entitled, selfish and a religious idiot. I bet he's not much of a father either.

MostWicked · 01/03/2014 13:53

I love gamerchick's idea!

Exactly why did you marry this misogynistic, deluded, small-minded and rude ballbag of a mummy's boy??

^^Exactly what I was thinking.
His cultural background is absolutely no excuse for the way he treats you.
It will never improve because he has it all his way and has no reason to change. I don't even understand how you ended up married!

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 01/03/2014 14:13

Ah.

Are you both quite religious, maybe you met through church or something?

meiisme · 01/03/2014 14:22

My Middle Eastern X used to do this. He did it to force me to learn to cook to his tastes, and drag me into a competitive game with his mother and sisters, trying to make me eager to live up to his expectations. I played dumb and although I developed some recipes he begrudgedly ate, I refused to learn to cook 'his' food and insisted that he cook it if he really wanted it.

He was a patriarchical, abusive twat.

Pimpf · 01/03/2014 14:55

I think you need to have a very serious talk with him. If he want to eat a Ghanaian diet he should have married a Ghanaian woman or stayed with his mum he didn't so he made his choice.

You can't allow this to continue, he needs to change his ways now, no gentle he will change over time or you need to find a way out. If he is like this now, he will get no better.

Serious red flags here and I don't usually like the ltb theme that goes on here

Hissy · 01/03/2014 15:21

Me too melisme

Mine was however also a (damned good) trained chef. Italian mostly, but skilled in south American cuisine too.

But not the south American country's cuisine that I was familiar with, having lived in the country for a couple of years.

When I made (tip top/professional standard) curries, he'd refuse to eat them.

Anything I came up with that wasn't from his country, or official/traditional Italian, he'd snub.

Once he even said, if this was served to me in a restaurant, i'd send it back.

Cock.

Apparently that Cock Saatchi refused to eat Nigella's food too.

This is not necessarily about African men or men from other cultures (although sadly that way of thinking is common in their lands) it's about nasty controlling men, determined to belittle us and break us.

Op, this man is not a keeper. You should have dumped him when he did it to your mother.

Now that you are pg, he'd ramped up his cuntishness, i'll bet.

Your relationship won't last, you will end up needing to contact Woman's Aid and ideally doing the Freedom Programme.

None of this is your fault. It's him. He's abusive.

He won't change. He doesn't think he has to. Only he matters.

I'm sorry.

ouryve · 01/03/2014 15:31

There's no sense in cooking food that won't get eaten.

He is being bloody rude but, tbh, issues like this are the sort of thing you should have sorted before you contemplate a life together. Too late for you, I know, but did you never cook for each other or even consider the implications of not liking the same food at all before you made that commitment?

scarletforya · 01/03/2014 15:31

Let him starve. Prick.

frogslegs35 · 01/03/2014 16:02

My dp is from another country too and I cook English dishes as well as his own. He appreciates everything that's put in front of him and that I learnt myself to cook food that is traditional to him.
He will also cook English meals for me.

Your 'H' is a complete arse, so no, yanbu.

I don't believe it's an African thing, it's a cunt thing - there's lots in many different nationalities.

BillyBanter · 01/03/2014 16:33

I told him last night that I'm only going to cook for my DD and I and he said "it's your role as a wife and a mother to be cooking for the whole household. You can't pick and choose what God ordained

LTB

Melonbreath · 01/03/2014 17:15

He sounds like a tosser.

grobagsforever · 01/03/2014 17:50

OP are you ok?

Parker231 · 01/03/2014 18:35

You're 39 weeks pregnant - why isn't he cooking for you (meals you like best !)

mousmous · 01/03/2014 18:41

yanbu
find work and make plans to ltb.

EvenBetter · 01/03/2014 18:58

He's not Lord and Master, the on,y reason he is able to work full time is because you're raising the kid, and soon another one too. I'm sure it would take the wind out of his sails if he had to deal with paying for childcare, parenting his children alone, and tootling off back to mummy's house as a result of his entitled, sexist, cruel behaviour.

Original poster
haggardolebat · 01/03/2014 19:04

ISeeYouShiver ugali is lovely with fish and greens. My dad's favorite dish. Making it for DH would be pointless, he's more into pounded yam which he makes for us.

I'm prepared to test him but his mum would give it away anyway as she loves cooking for her sons.

I know why I married him and I take my vows very seriously so that's why I'm trying to work something out.. however, I know he knows this fact and is probably taking advantage of it as I've always said that divorce is the very last thing I'd do.

I cooked dinner tonight - homemade pizza. He buys pizza from Asda so he can't use that as an excuse.. unless he stops by McDonald's after work

OP posts:
Original poster
haggardolebat · 01/03/2014 19:08

Evenbetter that's exactly what my sister said. I couldn't leave my children unless death took me but I'm pretty sure he'd struggle by himself. His mum is so old that I doubt she would have the energy to mind the children.

if I mention this though he'd take it as a threat. Yawn

OP posts:
KrevlornswathoftheDeathwokClan · 01/03/2014 19:16

He sounds like an utter twat.

thenightsky · 01/03/2014 19:56

So he'll eat Asda pizza or McDonalds shite, but turns his nose up at home cooked stuff by you.

Fucking game playing twat!

nennypops · 01/03/2014 19:58

You need to ask him the question that was put upthread:

So ask him what his solution is.

You cook British food and he won't eat it.
You cook African food and he won't eat that either, and tells you to stop wasting food.
(But it's wasting British food if you cook that for him seeing as he won't eat it)
If you don't cook anything for him, you're 'going against what god ordained'. Apparently.
Given that you can't magically turn into MIL, what does he want you to do?

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 01/03/2014 19:59

anyone who will eat mcdonalds has got no business complaining about the quality of food!

I mean, I do love a dirty burger but it's not exactly fine dining.

He is being a total arse. And that god comment was ridiculous.

Whatever your choice ultimately is, I hope you know that.

(ps I love ugali with a nice thick stew. Gorgeous)