Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt about how people react when I tell them that we are having another baby boy?

127 replies

mameulah · 28/02/2014 13:40

Just that.

We have a little boy who is a toddler and I am pregnant with our second baby.

Two people have been happy and excited.

The worst reactions have been 'are you sure?' and one person actually said, 'are you disappointed?'

It has really hurt my feelings.

Just me or anyone else? And why do people think it is okay to do that?

OP posts:
ziggiestardust · 28/02/2014 14:32

YANBU, I hate this apparent 'need' for girls, as if they're better! God, some people need to grow up. I love having a boy.

Congratulations!

stillfrazzled · 28/02/2014 14:33

I got this, too.

In the end I just told who ever made the comment that after two miscarriages and endless heartache, I was delighted to be having a baby and couldn't care less about the sex as long as I got to hold him.

I was very polite about it, and I like to hope I've made them think twice about saying anything that stupid in future.

tiredbutstillsmiling · 28/02/2014 14:59

I'm going through this at the moment & I answer like frazzled.

I'm 18 weeks & I'm almost sure I'll find out the gender at 20 weeks (we didn't with DD). Everyone says 'oh I bet you'd love a boy - especially for you DH'. No, after a heart-breaking miscarriage I want a baby that is healthy. Period. This is what I say, quite politely but matter of factly, stops further questions!

Tbh it'll be easier to have another girl - got all the stuff already!

Congrats & hope the rest of your pg is healthy & happy!

LovelyJubblies · 28/02/2014 15:03

Congratulations.
Ive got 3 beautiful sons so welcome to the world of insensitive comments from idiots.

KarenBrockman · 28/02/2014 15:03

I don't understand why some people want one of each either and I don't get the "as long as it is healthy" nonsense. What are they going to do if the baby is born unhealthy or develops some health problem later, give it back?

ShadowFall · 28/02/2014 15:23

YANBU.

Some people are very thoughtless. Or just plain rude.

We have 2 DS's - we knew that DS2 would be a boy after the 20 week scan, but didn't share this information with anyone until he was born.

But I found that a lot of people assumed that I must want a DD, as I already had a DS. Although, to balance that out, I did have a few colleagues who were very strongly of the opinion that boys are better, so I'd be unlucky if DC2 turned out to be a DD.

Topaz25 · 28/02/2014 15:26

KarenBrockman Isn't it normal to hope your baby is healthy though? Obviously they would still love them and not give them back if they developed health problems but they don't want their baby to be ill or in pain, I don't think that's sinister! I think people who say that are just saying the babies health is more important to them than it's sex.

Topaz25 · 28/02/2014 15:26

baby's

mowbraygirl · 28/02/2014 15:32

When I was expecting the first time MIL kept on about how she hoped it was a boy as her first born was a boy and her DD had two DS's. The other SIL had two girls and then a boy. Well I produced DD and then a few yeas later DS I would have been happy to have had two the same sex all I ever said was I wanted them to be healthy.

When my DD was expecting her MIL really wanted a grandson and was disappointed when DGD arrived and more so a few years later when DGD2 arrived. She had to wait till her DD produced her DS to get her grandson.

I have two friends one who has 5 grand daughters and the other 3 grandsons and now two grand daughters. The one with the 5 DGD's is so envious of the one with the 3 DGS's as she always wanted a grandson as she had 3 DS's herself and always thought they would produce boys.

Anyhow congratulations on your new baby which I am sure will be very much loved.

dustarr73 · 28/02/2014 15:35

5 boys here people dont engage their brain before opening their gobs.Even the sonog rapher on hearing i had 4 boys asked me if i wanted a daughter,her face looked crestfallen when she told me it was another boy.Great said i wont have to buy any clothes.Also get asked if im going for a girl.NO stupid people.

DidoTheDodo · 28/02/2014 15:36

I have two girls and a boy (in that order) So many people assumed we were trying for a third because we wanted a boy. My MIL told me I could carry on until I got one of the "right" sex.
They are all barmy.

OneStepForwardTwoBack · 28/02/2014 15:38

Aw don't listen. I have two boys. I had all the comments too. My mum's the worst, she has boys and girls and always goes on about how great it is to have girls. She's never bothered to have friends or a real life of her own because she feels that all her needs will be met by her daughters! Seriously! It's draining. Not saying all girls of mums are like this btw. Just enjoy your kids and grow a thick skin about the comments. I don't know if it's thoughtlessness or people being mean. Get yourself to a point where you don't care either way!!

Snugglepiggy · 28/02/2014 15:40

Exactly TOPAZ.Working as a midwife I had witnessed stillbirths, fragile sick neonates that didn't survive etc and a host of other things in a nursing career in and around having our girls.Of course it's not a case of not loving your children if things go wrong.I can only imagine you love them even more - if that's possible - for all their vulnerabilities.One of my daughters has a fantastic female partner.When she told us as a young adult her sexual orientation I felt love and pride in her for being able to talk to us, but also overwhelmingly protective because still today it's not always easy to be 'different' - as some people see it.Did I ever wish she wasn't my daughter - did I chuff.
But did I hope my third child would be healthy and feel we would be especially lucky is she was ,already having two babies born safely.Of course I did.

Melonbreath · 28/02/2014 15:54

Responses for such tosh spouters:

  • oh gosh yes! Actually I'm devastated. Better get my arse into Marie stopes immediately.
  • well my god beezlebub demands at least one sacrifice so this way we'll have a spare
  • or just 'naaaaaaaaah' that's a stupid way to think
isitme1 · 28/02/2014 15:54

Cant remember who said that they didn't understand the as long as its healthy saying. Imo id rather ask for a healthy baby rather than a certain sex iyswim.
No you cant give them back and as a mother you dp what you can to help. (I know, I've been there, done thatds1 has sn).

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 28/02/2014 15:54

Ugh, insensitive arseholes.

I dont get gender disappointment in other peoples children, i certainly wouldnt assume they are disappointed either.

At my DD's school, theres 2 parents with 3 gorgeous girls, dad certainly looks chuffed with them, one is a newborn.

Who couldnt be happy with having a healthy baby.

I certainly wouldnt care what children came after DD, i'd just be thrilled DD had a sibling.

summertimeandthelivingiseasy · 28/02/2014 15:59

I always remember talking to my octagenarian grandmother, when pg with DS1.

She asked my whether I wanted a boy or a girl, and I answered that it was very much like Christmas presents - you get what you are given and are thankful for it!

She seemed a bit shocked but I think that was more about the implied totalitarianism of my mother's (her daughter's) Christmas present policies.

YANBU - I always assume that the parents have considered this before they get to that point Hmm

RiverTam · 28/02/2014 16:00

personally, I will never understand why people tell everyone the sex of the baby, or find it out, for that matter. If it doesn't matter to you, why did you find out - I'm asking this generally, not just the OP.

I never understand why people discuss names with everyone, either.

babyheaves · 28/02/2014 16:00

Is this a big thing? Really??

People can be shit at small talk and say things like this to make conversation. It's not that hard to say, "of course not, we're delighted".

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 28/02/2014 16:00

I always find it so odd when people say this sort of thing to others. Ultimately all sibling combinations are good, imo. The overriding concern for anybody sensible is the baby's health, not what genitals it has. Honestly, I might have been a bit sad if I had several children and not one girl but I certainly would not have suggested to anyone else that they should feel that way.

MaddAddam · 28/02/2014 16:02

I have 3 the same. And very rarely had any negative comments.

I used to say "I'm specialising".
or "I'm growing my own wimmin-only commune" (people can easily believe that of me).
One friend with 3 boys the same age as my 3 girls tried telling me that mothers of girls haven't really experienced parenting at all. But I could always repel that sort of crap just by producing my dds. They didn't exactly all melt into the woodwork quietly, tidying up after themselves, as small children.

WheelieBinThief · 28/02/2014 16:13

Madd I've also had that said to me (mother of one DD)

I was told that I would know all about parenting, when I found myself 'raising a man'.

To say that comment made me stabby is an understatement. I mean where do you start...

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 28/02/2014 16:21

personally, I will never understand why people tell everyone the sex of the baby, or find it out, for that matter. If it doesn't matter to you, why did you find out - I'm asking this generally, not just the OP

I never understand why people discuss names with everyone, either

I don't understand people who tell others their names then get upset when they don't like it. Don't tell anyone is the answer to that.

We aren't finding out the sex, even if we did we wouldn't tell anyone and we don't discuss names with anybody. Our parents included. I don't want anyone else's opinions. Plus, I like surprises!

SaltyandSweet · 28/02/2014 16:26

RiverTam I chose to find out the gender for both purely as I'm the impatient sort and couldn't wait to find out Grin It also helped that it stopped all the competitive gender guessing based on how I was carrying, whether I had heartburn Hmm etc etc which was a definite bonus

Burren · 28/02/2014 16:26

It's not a big thing, no, Babyheaves, at least not when one person you hardly know says it. But when that one person turns into ten in a row - and I've seen this happen - then it's a bit wearying to have to be the good-tempered adult humouring the gender preferences a string of friends, family and total strangers at bus stops are projecting upon you.

OP, yanbu. I've experienced a version of this and I only have one child! Knowing my son would be my only child, both my SiLs assumed I was desperately disappointed he wasn't a girl on whom I could put pink frocks and floral headbands, despite me patiently explaining it wasn't the case. And I would say a significant minority of people had less violent but still 'Oh well, can't be helped' responses.

And that was to my first child; it's not as though I'd had six boys in a row.