...to think 'partner' means a cohabiting partner, not just boyfriend.

[fideline]

This has twice caused major confusion recently.

I realise most of the time it doesn't really matter much, but referring to someone you are 'just' dating as your partner is confusing wrong.

Isn't it?

Well I'm married to my partner, I run a business with my husband,

Confuses people no end, when we first meet in the work place as it's usually in meetings, so they meet us in work mode, then as time goes on the penny drops.

My dad has a partner: she lives in SA and he lives in Scotland. He goes out to visit for c.6 weeks every so often and she comes here when she can. They both want to spend time with their grandchildren.

YABU - there are all sorts of reasons why people in committed relationships don't live together.

Quote, my DM & DDad worked together and my DM loved that when she called him her partner people automatically took her more seriously at work, as if she had a right to be there. Once clients realised they were actually married too, they would bypass DM to talk to DDad instead, presuming she was the little wifey doing a bit of admin for tax reasons or something. Used to piss her right off!

Outofcheese hits on an important point - generally you only refer to your other half with a possessive ("my husband" "my partner" etc) to people you don't know

My view is in those situations partner is a perfectly adequate blanket term to indicate the person with whom you're in a romantic relationship. Quite frankly, if I don't know the person very well it's none of their business how serious my relationship is.

Most people i know of my age (early 30s) use partner even if they're married - the only ones who use "my husband" tend to have a bit of a surrendered wife thing going on. I particularly like using partner in the workplace mostly because it confuses the old crusties on my board who can't figure out if I'm gay or not as I find as a senior executive that some people make all sorts of assumptions about your commitment to work when they find out you're a married woman (sad but true)

Good point Angel, to anyone who actually matters I refer to my do by name. In fact it's only on MN that I ever use DP to avoid ambiguity, as stated in my previous post.

Grrr DP not do.

Yes, good point. I had to ask my DP (!) last night what he called me. I had no idea what it was - it's GF by the way!

With the abbreviations on here DF for fiancé can be confused with father; DB for boyfriend can be confused with brother and BF for boyfriend can be confused with best friend (or breast feeding!) so DP is the clearest and most obvious default for anyone in a reasonably serious relationship who is over the age of 13

Good point.

I don't know why people get so worked up about this, it does seem to be an issue for some of those who are married though [smug marrieds] as though 'married' is some kind of protected characteristic that needs defending from pesky interlopers.

I had a boyfriend when I was 17, now I'm nearing 40 and in a long standing and exclusive relationship, I have a partner and no, we don't live together. He is much more than a shagpiece though.

IMO misogyny is at the root of this mindset, that only women who are 'worthy' of marriage have any status. Anyone else is 'just' this, or 'only' that. That being married makes you 'respectable', which, is of course, bollocks.

Being married and the so called status that goes with it, is just not important to everyone. It is very much possible to be in a stable and happy relationship, without a marriage certificate or a shared mortgage/tenancy agreement.

People should worry less about what others do really.

DP and I both have the same issue of not wanting to refer to each other as boy / girl as we're adults and it's weird.

Found out the other week he refers to me as his 'ladyfriend' WE NEED TO FIND SOMETHING BETTER THAN THIS! Makes me sound like a hooker (that was probably born a man). I'm sticking with partner.

Though (unsmugly) married, I much prefer the phrase "live in lover". SO tempted (but too cowardly) to use that for introductions at parents evenings....

ooh, I could have a 'live out lover!'

I hate the word partner. I can't say it without in my head saying the word 'howdy' before it in a bad American accent.
This thread has been a nightmare to read. I am picturing you all as cowboys

Not as bad as calling a new bf 'hubby' like my old school friend does

Like IneedAWittierNickname, this really annoys me. One friend once managed three "hubbys" inside a month.

For me, a partner implies maturity to the relationship. Either it's lasted ages in itself, or you've made appreciable levels of commitment to each other's lives, or you're simply mature adults who, post-children and divorce(s)/previous relationship breakdowns, know the difference between a casual fling and something that will last a few years.

By the way, I'm afraid I make a point of saying husband, rather than partner. Sorry. It's less to do with thinking I'm superior for visiting the register office for half an hour, and more to do with that "my husband" is a polite way of reminding someone "I'm over 18 thank you very much" without ruining the rest of the conversation.

I have quite a youthful appearance and we chose to try for a baby relatively young. Being treated sympathetically, to be fair, like a 15-year old with an unplanned baby who needs help with contraception with an unplanned baby by HCPs doesn't meet my actual needs.

Amberleaf said what I wanted but I ws too ranty and tipsy upset

But apparently I only object to this kind of attitude because I'm unfulfilled in my relationships. Yeah. Course! I need to drink more coffee now!

I would assume either living together or not living together and long term relationship going on years.

But I would be wary about that assumption as I have come across people using it for very new short term relationships.

It is a vague term - and really most cases it other people's relationships don't impact on me so vagueness isn't an issue may even be preferred by couple in question.

I've never need to use partner about relationships - though fiancé did similar job for years when we weren't living together due to work but he had asked me to marry him and I'd said yes. Just because I haven't used it doesn't mean I can see an need.

However I did get annoyed when HCP treating my DH - who kept referring to me as a partner rather than the correct wife - even though both DH and I referred to ourselves as married.

For you BitOutOfPractice

I think that might be my first FB biscuit. I hope it's for dunking and not telling me to fuck off - though it could be both. I may never know!

I wasn't think about other people relationships when I was getting mildly annoyed by HCP.

I went to hassle of getting legally linked to this man and we've, both of us, have chosen to make this know to you so why not use the terms we use?

Plus they were much more forthcoming to his parents about stuff - like when he would be home which we both DH and I found odd as they lived miles away and he lived with me - and I was the one setting stuff up at home. Perhaps they assume he was telling me - which he was but he wasn't given much information - though his parents seemed to be when they visited the hospital.

The whole thing seemed 'off' though my mother did point out as I don't ware rings I fiddle so lose and break them- he does - but I'm no less legally married perhaps they were making assumptions.

You see this is why by lovely man is referred to as Himself

I don't think it is anyone's business whether we have walked down an aisle, share and address or anything else.

We have been together for a significant length of time, share a dog, family commitments, kids and are in a loving and mutually benefiting relationship, why should this be deemed more or less valid than someone who talks about DH ?

I think the English language here is short of a word for 'mature boyfriend' or whatever. I hate the word partner as well, way too businessy for me. My man is not my partner, we got married quickly to get that out of the way. He never was my boyfriend either. In other languages there is more choice sometimes I think to name a lover. Ladyfriend is terrible though omg, that does sound as if you're hired!

Anyway apart from that, OP YABU.

I don't understand what's wrong with fiancé. With modern iPads and such, it can't be the accent posing difficulties, can it? Wonderful, practical word.

Well - you do have to be asked/ or ask to marry someone before fiancé or fiancée would currently apply - though it's meaning could change over time.

It's the promise/announcement that marriage is intended at some point ( we had 2 .5 year engagement as that how long it took to be in position to marry for us but a marriage was the end goal)- which isn't applicable to many relationships I suppose.

I hope it's for dunking and not telling me to fuck off

It was for dunking!

"IMO misogyny is at the root of this mindset, that only women who are 'worthy' of marriage have any status. Anyone else is 'just' this, or 'only' that. That being married makes you 'respectable', which, is of course, bollocks."

Amber my dear, what on earth are you on about?

I always the thought the the term 'partner' was coined specifically to be a dignified, sensible word for people in committed relationships that

Before 'partner' was popularized in the mid-90s, those of us who were "shacked up" had to choose (or not) between wankisms like 'significant other' and 'live-in lover'. There was no reasonable, popular term pre 1995.

Wasn't that the original point? Do insist on being treated with equivalent seriousness? Or did I hallucinate the entire 1990s?

^To insist on being treated...