...to think 'partner' means a cohabiting partner, not just boyfriend.

[fideline]

This has twice caused major confusion recently.

I realise most of the time it doesn't really matter much, but referring to someone you are 'just' dating as your partner is confusing wrong.

Isn't it?

I didn't get on your case usualsuspect33 all I stated was what my relationship was.

Well good for you.

This thread wasn't about married couples though.

This thread is littered with people identifying as married.

If you're not married then you just carry on not being married and be happy with that.

My partner is my boyfriend, we've been together for over five years but don't live together and don't intend to. We are not "just dating"!

I've used "partner" for a long time because of having several gay/lesbian/something else friends, for whom having to specify the gender of their partner was often annoying when dealing with random strangers, colleagues etc. I realised that when they used "partner" people assumed they were gay, so I started using it for my own heterosexual relationships too to help neutralise this assumption, and also because I realised that it was none of anyone's business what gender my partner was if not relevant to the conversation.

I liked the effect this had on conversations, so I kept using it. If you're not sure what assumptions to make about someone's relationship based on the term they use for it then you better ask rather than assume. If it's too personal/intrusive to ask then maybe it's something you're not entitled to know..? :)

That is interesting catsofa. I suspect I am older than you. Gay and lesbian people originally used partner because the ONLY other word was gf or bf. For people in their 60's who had lived with their lover for 40 odd years, that didn't seem appropriate.

About 30 years ago if you used the word partner, everyone knew you meant someone of the same sex.

I love the idea of moving in with someone and officially upgrading them from 'boyfriend' to 'partner'.

I have seen a few posts/threads recently on this issue and it bemuses me.

If you want to denote special importance to the word 'partner', then so be it. But why care whether other people do?

If somebody want to call the person they've been dating 5 minutes their 'partner', then let them crack on - they're the ones who arguably look silly by doing so, and they're not detracting anything from your special partnership.

Sorry, but this just puts me in mind of heteros who are against gay marriage, because it's just between a man and a women. Gay couples marrying has absolutely zero bearing on my marriage, so why on earth would I want to stop them?!

When I was a kid in Scotland your live in partner was your bidie-in.

Helens only been separated from her husband for 6 months and already got a bidie-in. Hoicks bosom

"puts me in mind of heteros who are against gay marriage, because it's just between a man and a women. Gay couples marrying has absolutely zero bearing on my marriage, so why on earth would I want to stop them?!"

Heteros against gay marriage??

Is this thread just attracting people on mind-altering substances?!?

How is bidie pronounced Billy, might pinch that. But no hoiking, sorry, i don't hoick.

Do you not get the analogy?

Evidently not Japanese

Grennie that IS interesting! I might be younger, or I might move more in gender-redefining circles where the problem is often just the constant linguistic need to specify gender when it has nothing to do with what you're actually talking about.

I think that if someone wanted to say "my partner who is the same gender as me" they would at least have the option of "boyfriend" or "girlfriend". Which I agree can sound a bit silly if you're really not boys or girls any more. But maybe we're stretching this by using it a bit ironically as we get older?

But what a lot of people want is a way of saying "my significant other" without having to raise the gender at all, since it simply isn't relevant to every conversation. What appealed to me about "partner" was exactly this - that it specifies the relationship in circumstances where the gender just isn't relevant. Particularly useful with friends who don't have a binary (male-or-female-there-isn't-anything-else) gender, or for those of us who think that binary genders are a bit arbitrary anyway, or who just feel like challenging the gender assumptions that go on all the time for no good reason.

I like the way that "partner" would convey exactly the same info about my relationship regardless of whether my beloved happened to be male, female, intersex, transexual MtF or FtM, or if they defined themselves in any other way at all. The point is that we love each other, right?

Bye-dee in

As in abide with me or where do you bide (live)?

I wish I had enough bosom to hoick...

Some people oppose gay marriage because - apparently - it poses a threat to the sanctity of straight marriage.

It's as if they think that marriage is some sort of exclusive club that only straight people should be allowed into.

I strongly disagree with that. Couples of the same sex getting married impacts on my straight marriage not one iota.

Same thing here.

A couple that has been together for a very short space of time calling each other their 'partner', doesn't impact on other, longer-term partnerships one bit.

Or does it...? Because if it does, I clearly need it spelling out for me.

I don't really get the objection to boyfriend or girlfriend. Sometimes we put two words together together to make a new word with its own unique meaning. Girlfriend doesn't denote girl or friend but female romantic/sexual partner.

Aha I like that one Billy,(has a good Scots sound like blether does). I might put than on my approved list, above snogpot, but below other half.

I wish I could hoick without mechanical assistance

Japanese It would all be much similar if civil marriage was abolished and civil partnership became the secular option for everyone.

People who wanted 'traditional marriage' could still opt for a religious ceremony (gay or straight) and religions that wanted to keep their strange selective rules (and clear consciences apparently) could, but their position would be apparent to everyone.

Will never happen of course.

Still not really getting the analogy however

catsofa - 30 - 40 years ago, Trans and non gender defining people were rarely part of the gay community in the UK, although a small number were. The Beaumont Society was the organisation most Trans people went to. I remember our local Beaumont Society getting sent stuff about LGB activities locally, and them writing back and asking us not to as they were not LGB and didn't want anything to do with us.

Drag queens and transvestites were common. But they were clear they are men. It really was very different then, at least in the UK.

Really there were only transsexuals in the Trans community. The ideas around gender identity that now exist, didn't really exist, at least in the UK.

The term partner seemed to be used from memory, much more by the "respectable" lesbian and gay couples who were living together.

that should read; be much simpler NOT 'similar'

I think if ever move a man in again I shall refer to him as my live-in lover. To embarrass people (and myself)

"A couple that has been together for a very short space of time calling each other their 'partner', doesn't impact on other, longer-term partnerships one bit."

Well I don't know what anyone else is saying, but my OP wasn't about longer term partnerships being 'impacted'. Not even sure what it means.

I thought (as you know, i have already been multiply contradicted/corrected) that the term 'partner' was generally understood to mean long term partnership, usually co-hab, and was confused about why people were (suddenly, it seemed) using it differently.

I think some people have attributed far deeper meaning to my question than was there.

It was a bit of a 'why are these goths calling themselves emos?' question if you will.

Don't worry Fideline, I think it's just sparked off a few different interesting tangents to discuss, which makes it a rather successful OP. You were just checking your understanding of the term, and it seems that some of us do have different understandings of it, which is interesting.

Grennie, I reckon the gay community and the otherly-gendered community and all the communities of people experiencing all kinds of prejudice about all sorts of things should probably all gang up together and support each other in the common cause of equality and respect. We need all the help we can get, and should be looking after each other.

I know a bit of LGBT history but I'll maybe get some of my friends to tell me about the old days again just so I make sure I know and respect the struggles of the people before me. I have close gay friends in their 50s and love to hear about what a different world they grew up in.

I hope you've come through it all ok anyway. You're sure welcome in any community I'm a part of.

Hmm thanks cats - one more post accusing me of 'categorising people's erotic choices in a smug hierarchy of hoick' and I was going give up on english and start posting in french. Which I don't speak.