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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that sending one child state school and one child to private school is child abuse

239 replies

ReallyTired · 27/02/2014 12:19

Obviously if there is substantial special needs and there is no choice to send a child to a state school then that is completely different. Private schools for children who require a statement are difficult to find and to persaude the LEA to fund.

A neighbour of mine has chosen sent her eldest son to an expensive private very selective secondary school. The child has a partial scolarship and bursery, but they still have to find a couple of thousand pounds a year. It is a huge financial struggle. They cannot afford to send the youngest to private school. They have made the decision to send the youngest to state school as he is less intelligent. They have decided that the youngest child is less intelligent at the age of seven.

I feel that giving a child a private school education because he is deemed to be more intelligent than his sibbling is favourism. It must really hit the self esteem of the state educated child that they were not considered worth investing in. There are plenty of mixed ablity private schools with good results in my area. As the children get older they will notice the difference in resources and life experiences the other child has.

OP posts:
katese11 · 27/02/2014 20:18

She has elaborated yes, and I've rtft
But equating "bog standard state education" with child abuse is always going to irritate people

Quinteszilla · 27/02/2014 20:23

It is not child abuse.

Your opinion is depending on a lot of assumptions.

  1. The assumption that selective independent is the better choice and state school inferior.
  1. The assumption that a "less intelligent" child will thrive as much as a "more intelligent" child in a highly pressurized environment.
  1. The assumption that Equal is always in the best interest of the children in question.

My opinion in relation to the above:

  1. Independent schools vary greatly, same as schools in the state sector, and how do you measure which type of school is the best choice for each individual child? There is no "one size fits all" when it comes to education. This brings us to:

2 & 3 in one go. Children should be allowed the courtesy of getting the education that best suit their needs and abilities, as individuals. The school that is the best fit for one child is not necessarily the best fit for the sibling, and that is regardless of state, private, faith school, single sex, etc. And equally it is not fair if a very able child should be denied the school that was the best fit for them, just because that school was not the best fit for their sibling....

Our oldest is in a selective independent. He thrives, and loves academic work. Our youngest is sporty, not less intelligent, but less focus on academic stuff. I am not sure at all that he will thrive in the same school as his brother! When the time comes we will look for the school that will serve him best, regardless of the choices we made for his brother.

bodybooboo · 27/02/2014 20:24

it's not abuse.

however must chuckle as our local comp with an outstanding Ofsted had better GCSE and a level results than the almost next door very expensive private school.

the uproar is hilarious.

Dinosaursareextinct · 27/02/2014 20:24

What happens post 18 if one DC has been to state school and the other to private (someone has asked)? You treat them both the same. Unless one of them needs more help for some reason and you are in a position to help them.
I am spending more money on my private school DC than on my state school DC. But they will both end up having been educated. I'm not going to offer the state school one a lump sum in compensation for not having been privately educated / pay her university fees upfront or whatever!
I hope all these stories about state school educated children doing better than their private school siblings will help the OP to understand that state schools aren't as terrible as she obviously thinks they are.

anothermakesthree · 27/02/2014 20:26

I don't agree that private schools are 'generally' for the more academic children. Not in my part of London. Private schools vary in the quality of education they provide, just as much as state schools do. The joke often heard in this area is that many of the private schools take the 'cream' of society......rich and thick.

woodrunner · 27/02/2014 20:27

OP, I really don't think it's child abuse. But it's weird, self-deceiving and deeply unpleasant to conveniently decide DC2 is 'less intelligent' than DC1 rather than admit you just can't afford two private places. I know a few people who have done that as they clearly decided a local state wasn't good enough for the heir but fine for the spare. It does make children feel like a second class citizen in a family. But child abuse is something else. Most families have neurotic elements and the school one is just publically visible and judge-able.

MissBetseyTrotwood · 27/02/2014 20:30

I think YABU OP.

I went to a state school. My brother went to prep school. He was amazing at sport. They had great facilities and coaching that allowed him to excel at his sport of choice. I was happy and achieving really well at my 'bog standard' primary and it didn't occur to me for a single second that there was favouritism! My DPs explained it to me and it was… fine.

We're considering doing something similar for my DCs when we move. DC1 achieves highly and is happy at state school. DC2 struggles in a large busy school. So we'll respond to the needs of the individual.

Surely the outcome of this decision and the damage (or not) it may do to the wellbeing of the children depends on a much wider picture of emotional health in the family. I really don't think that this choice by itself can be taken as uniquely massively damaging.

Doubtfuldaphne · 27/02/2014 20:31

I wouldn't say its abuse but it could make the other sibling wonder why they weren't invested in as much as the other.
I have this problem. IL's want to send dd to private school and pay but I'm very tempted to tell them to shove it if they're not willing to pay for ds from previous relationship also as they should be treated equally.

hercules1 · 27/02/2014 20:33

Not read thread so sorry. My mother was the only sibling sent to boarding school abroad by her step father who kept his children with the family. My mum is in her 70s and still not over it. My brother sat for private grammar and got full scholarship but parents decided not to because of extras. I resent I wasn't even given the chance to sit exam- based on my gender.

BrianTheMole · 27/02/2014 20:33

The joke often heard in this area is that many of the private schools take the 'cream' of society......rich and thick.

Lovely Hmm And if I made derogatory comments about children who go to state school you'd be happy with that? Thought not. Disgusting double standards here.

BorisJohnsonsHair · 27/02/2014 20:36

Why do people think their children will do better if they pay for their education? Surely your friend should be sending the less intelligent one to private school if that's the case, so they end up even.

Crowler · 27/02/2014 20:37

For those of you saying well, very often an excellent state is better than the local private. Then why would the parent be sending one of their children privately (outside special needs)?

Maybe it's social engineering, sure. But still a strange disparity.

Bowlersarm · 27/02/2014 20:39

One might pass the 11+, and one might not.

merrymouse · 27/02/2014 20:44

Many people send their children to different schools.

Different children need different things. You can't bring up your children based on always providing them with exactly the same type of support. You would be run ragged and doomed to failure even if you had identical twins.

BitOutOfPractice · 27/02/2014 20:47

Would it be troll hunting to say I think the OP's pants are on fire? I do not know a single person, in RL or online, who knows that personal, financial and private workings of any "neighbour"'s family like the OP does. Do you?

WorrySighWorrySigh · 27/02/2014 20:51

BitOutOfPractice - yes, my neighbour tends to tell me all sorts of stuff I really dont need or want to know.

BitOutOfPractice · 27/02/2014 20:52

Oh Worry I obviously live a sheltered life with disappointingly discreet neighbours Grin

WorrySighWorrySigh · 27/02/2014 21:26

I wish my neighbours would keep a bit more to themselves!

AlansLeftMoob · 27/02/2014 21:34

I haven't read the full thread but this line in your opening post - "I feel that giving a child a private school education because he is deemed to be more intelligent than his sibbling is favourism." Of course it's favouritism, but it's not child abuse.

I do think it's very unfair!

BitOutOfPractice · 27/02/2014 21:36

Worry shall we do a house swap for a few weeks. I'm so nosy!

CoffeeChocolateWine · 27/02/2014 21:52

No not child abuse on any level.

I am one of 4 children (the youngest). When I was 6 my father was offered a position abroad (in Greece). At the time my sister (the eldest) was 14 and the older of my two brothers was 13. My parents made the decision to send my sister and brother to boarding school in the UK as they felt they would get a better secondary education in the UK rather than Greece. My other brother and I spent 4 years abroad.

When I was 12 and the younger of my two brothers was 14, (we had moved back to the UK by this point), I was ready to start my secondary education. My brother was already in the local state school (single sex) and it was excellent...one of the best state schools in the country at that time. My parents had no hesitation in him going there. But the local girls state school was nowhere near as good (and yes, they considered me the more academic of us two) so they made the decision to apply for a private school. As it happened, I didn't get in and went to the state school and did well. For the sixth form I did get into the private school and went there for two years.

I don't think my parents felt they were giving me preferential treatment by me going to private school (eventually!)...I think they thought I was was not getting the same opportunities by going to much less well performing state school than the one my brother went to. In a way they were trying to bring me back onto level-pegging.

frogslegs35 · 27/02/2014 22:04

yabu to call it child abuse.
I agree it is unfair.

BabstheChicken · 27/02/2014 22:13

I believe the far side of fuck wants you back OP. I've heard it's a popular destination for people who use 'child abuse' inappropriately or those who are just goady twats

tiggytape · 27/02/2014 22:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bulby · 27/02/2014 22:55

I am appalled at some of the attitudes on this thread. Statements such as 'the mercy of the state school system' etc the vast majority of children in this country thrive in the state school system. I currently work in a state comprehensive with several children on future Olympian training programmes (we're in the the north of England too if we're