To think that sending one child state school and one child to private school is child abuse

[ReallyTired]

Obviously if there is substantial special needs and there is no choice to send a child to a state school then that is completely different. Private schools for children who require a statement are difficult to find and to persaude the LEA to fund.

A neighbour of mine has chosen sent her eldest son to an expensive private very selective secondary school. The child has a partial scolarship and bursery, but they still have to find a couple of thousand pounds a year. It is a huge financial struggle. They cannot afford to send the youngest to private school. They have made the decision to send the youngest to state school as he is less intelligent. They have decided that the youngest child is less intelligent at the age of seven.

I feel that giving a child a private school education because he is deemed to be more intelligent than his sibbling is favourism. It must really hit the self esteem of the state educated child that they were not considered worth investing in. There are plenty of mixed ablity private schools with good results in my area. As the children get older they will notice the difference in resources and life experiences the other child has.

Yes, Sillylas79 is quite right. Can we end the thread now?!

Lots of posters are trumpeting that they select schools that are right for their dcs and each is an individual blah de blah. Well, good for them. But they shouldn't get too smug and be prepared for a snarling 30-year-old to accuse them some years down the line of favouring their db/ds.

I think many decisions are not really driven at all by "individual child's needs" and more by the fact that they can pay out for one but not another, so then Sillylass79's second list comes into play.

YABVU. You are presumably one of those people, often encountered on MN, who thinks that private schools are wonderful and state schools are rubbish.
I have one child at private and the other at state. The private one is there for the reasons you've described - she is talented in a particular extra-curricular activity which is of interest to this one particular school, and so they offered her a very good scholarship. The 2nd child is actually more academic, but would not get a high scholarship anywhere - children who are good academically are two a penny. But DC2 is very happy at state school, and will work towards getting into grammar school (fingers crossed), just as DC1 has worked hard at the extra-curricular activity and earned a scholarship. DC1 is not academic enough for grammar school.
It's not right to insist on one child giving up an opportunity for the kind of education that is right for them, especially if they have earned that opportunity themselves, just so that all children are treated absolutely equally.

I agree with "sillylass"

What worries me about this is that they've decided at 7 he's not to bright. This is NOT SOMETHING THAT CAN BE DETERMINED AT 7. This is something that properly riles me. Writing children off as not acedemic, not sporty, not musical etc at such a young age.

All children should be encouraged in everything and given self belief in everything. Where they struggle they should be given help to achieve, not just written off. That is why they go to school, to learn.

Sorry but this is one of my soap box topics.

YABU.

We live in an area where many, many families send one or two or their DC to private schools, and one or two of their DC's to state schools. It is very normal here, and a million miles from child abuse.

No, sorry, Dinosaur, you are going to have, "All you cared about was ds/dd's dancing/gymnastics/tennis." The younger one might not be saying much now, but they're storing it up...

There is a family in our village who had 9 children , the youngest was the only one sent to private school.He (whilst not exactly setting the world on fire) became the manager and later owner , of a large car dealership whilst the others all ended up in very menial jobs.Even though they are all in their 60s and 70s now it still causes resentment

Both my dc (9, yr 5 and 7, yr 2) would benefit from private schools (imo) for different reasons.
Ds1 is very shy, and the smaller class sizes would be good him. Academically he's average.
Ds2 is very academic, working at almost the same level as ds1. He's much more outgoing, and fine in big groups.

I can't afford private school for either of them, ds1 is unlikely to get a scholarship/bursery, ds2 may well do.
I have no idea what to do for the best.

Like hobbit I have a friend (female in my case) who's sister had a lot of time and money spent on her dancing 'talent' (she wasn't overly talented, her parents put her in increasingly expensive dance schools, and interestingly the more they paid the more talented the teachers said she was ). My friend and her younger brother had minimal after school activities, often free ones at the school as there wasn't the time or money for them to do anything. :( Even now, as an adult she feels worthless.

A lot of our Olympic hopefuls would be buggered if everybody had to treat their children exactly the same

YABU re the child abuse

I do believe that children should be treated the same and one at private school and one at state isn't necessarily something I'd do

I also think it can breed bad feeling as adults

I think there is a massive difference between one at boarding school and one at home

Having said that my dd is quite good at acting, if I felt she was extremely talented and would benefit from stage school I'd send her

Child abuse ???? Are you serious ????

'We live in an area where many, many families send one or two or their DC to private schools, and one or two of their DC's to state schools.'

hmm but when you say 'state school' are you talking about grammar school.That is different.They are though of as superior to private schools

My younger brother went to private school. I didn't. I don't care, neither does he. We all feel loved. I don't think you have the full picture.

Also - I don't think you should treat children fairly - you should treat them uniquely!

I used to think the way you do, but I can see I was wrong and naive.

lanie so the best thing to do would be to scrap the idea of encouraging the extra-curricular talent to make sure DC is the same as the sibling? And similarly, make sure the other child doesn't attempt to get into grammar school in case the sibling feels that 'all mum cared about was my brother/sister's entrance exam'?

Is that the factlainiekazan?
So I can expect my older DC to explode any moment now and blame me for the emotional neglect, just because his younger sibling is at the private school, what a simplistic view.

YABVU
Or do you think a friend of mine abuser her younger son, when she moved him after 2 years of begging on his part from the same Private school as his brother to a Comprehensive.

Not all state schools are crap - in fact lots are very good!

God this is depressing

Children grow up feeling loved or not and that is not determined by how much you spend on each.

It is by how hard you try to meet the different and unique needs of each.

ineedawittier

I thought that with ds1, I thought small class sizes would be better for my shy, low self esteem, unable to make friends boy

I was then talking to another parent who regretted sending her son privately for the same reason, her theory was that in a class of 12 a few would be cool kids, a few geeky and a few sporty as in a normal class. That only left 1 or 2 children for her boy to get on with as opposed to the 4 or 5 in a class of 30 IYSWIM

I probably haven't explained it well but it did make me re think, my ds1 is bright but I wasn't sending him for that...I was sending him for the confidence

I still don't think I could send one child to a "normal" private school and the others to "normal" state schools (couldn't afford all 3)

pagwatch do you not think as an adult you might look back and feel resentful that your parents paid for schooling whcih opened doors to a sibling, but wouldn;t /couldn't do the same for you?

My younger sibling went to private school, i went through state school. he had some SEN and needed the extra support offered, i didnt need this. neither my sibling or i feel that one or other was in any way favoured.

My parents funded my uni course, my sibling didnt go to uni but doesnt expect a payout to make it 'fair'. my parents bought my brother a new car, i dont feel i'm owed anything. My sibling still lives at home for minimal rent, i do not expect my parents to subsidise my rent.

parents should do what is right for each individual child, focus on their indiviudal needs and talents and then no-one will feel they are the 'least favourite'.

oh, and likening it to child abuse is laughable and insulting to anyone who has suffered genuine abuse.

Lainie - I expect I will get some of that. Not sure what the alternative is though. Should I say to DC1 "We've been told by lots of esteemed professionals in X since you were tiny that you are extremely talented at X, maybe with the potential to be one of the best nationally, and you are also passionately enthusiastic about X, but it takes up a few hours a week and although you've been offered a very high private school scholarship with free lessons in X from one of the top X teachers plus additional financial sponsorship outside of the school so that you can get lots of extra training in X it wouldn't be fair on DC2 for you to be allowed to do any of that, so we'll just let it go, you can give up X and go to the local not very good comp because you're frankly not bright enough to get into the grammar like DC2 probably will because she's really bright and I'm dedicating much of my spare time to helping her to prepare for the 11+"?

That's true rufus I have also thought that. Either way, private isn't going to be an option for ds1, unless I win the lottery in the next year

And when it comes to ds2, well I'm not sure that I actually agree with private schools, but that's a whole other debate!

YABVU.

Calling something like this "child abuse" shows a lack of respect for people who have suffered the real thing.

Also, before being judgmental about other people's educational choices, perhaps you should learn to spell "bursary", "sibling" and "focusing".

I think it is a totally and absolutely unacceptable decision. To think your parents were prepared to pay through the nose for your brother or sister but not for you.

dontcry Why would you think that all private schools "open doors" and state schools equal "doom, fate sealed*?

at TuttiFrutti

I do think some parents tend to pour their all into pfb. That may be in terms of academic hopes or perceived acting/dancing/athletic talent but often subsequent dcs are not quite given the same opportunities because the parent hasn't the time or has run out of inclination and probably money. Maybe the younger sibling would have been an equally great achiever if they had had the same effort expended on them. But I see so many people on here excuse their differing treatment of dcs by saying that the elder child is more interested in ballet etc.

Yes, I suppose we do need Olympians etc but it doesn't alter the fact that the parental drive to help them achieve leaves some sibling casualties.