To think that sending one child state school and one child to private school is child abuse

[ReallyTired]

Obviously if there is substantial special needs and there is no choice to send a child to a state school then that is completely different. Private schools for children who require a statement are difficult to find and to persaude the LEA to fund.

A neighbour of mine has chosen sent her eldest son to an expensive private very selective secondary school. The child has a partial scolarship and bursery, but they still have to find a couple of thousand pounds a year. It is a huge financial struggle. They cannot afford to send the youngest to private school. They have made the decision to send the youngest to state school as he is less intelligent. They have decided that the youngest child is less intelligent at the age of seven.

I feel that giving a child a private school education because he is deemed to be more intelligent than his sibbling is favourism. It must really hit the self esteem of the state educated child that they were not considered worth investing in. There are plenty of mixed ablity private schools with good results in my area. As the children get older they will notice the difference in resources and life experiences the other child has.

I agree with pag that what us important is the amount if love.

However I would question the amount if love given to a 7yo that is already deemed 'not bright enough' to spend money on.
That would be a sure way to destroy the self esteem if the child as such way of looking at things is bound to appear in other areas too

And of course you want to nurture the abilities if each child. But at what cost to the other??.

Unbelievably judgemental and hysterical reaction

Emotional abuse can cause significant harm to a child. Abuse is not only physical.

However, fairness/equality does not always = identical. And treating children differently isn't always indicative of favouritism.

Is the family dynamic in this situation is one where both children are valued for who they are and what they are good at? If so, it's a good decision to send a child to private school when he has earned that opportunity through his own ability and hard work. There are other ways in which the younger child can have his specific needs met which may well result in opportunities denied the elder child.

As long as each child feels that his best interests are being met by parents who love and value them, it doesn't matter that they have different experiences.

However, if an undue emphasis is placed on the older child's worth based on his intelligence, and this is yet another example of him being prioritised over this younger sibling, the potential for damage is huge.

ReallyTired - I wonder if your neighbour's comment that the younger child isn't as bright was something of a throwaway comment that has given the wrong impression?

Children need more than basic food, clothing, bog standard state education. They need to feel valued by those who look after them.

Yes, but the way you make children feel valued is by catering to their individual needs and treating them equally. And equal doesn't always mean the same.

And the statement 'bog standard state education' is actually quite offensive to those of us who a) couldn't afford any other option and b) wouldn't send our children private even if we could afford it.

I realise that's not the situation you describe in your OP, but your snobbery about state education is I think leading you to draw conclusions which may well have no basis in fact.

her theory was that in a class of 12 a few would be cool kids, a few geeky and a few sporty as in a normal class. That only left 1 or 2 children for her boy to get on with as opposed to the 4 or 5 in a class of 30 IYSWIM

I was very concerned about DD1 - as small pre-school she hadn't been happy and she was very shy, hated noise.

The local school - which was by far best - had a very nurturing atmosphere - it's very caring and most of the staff very approachable for both DC and parents but big 30 sized classes, and double year group, so massive school so I was worried.

I was shocked but very pleases when she thrived.

My Dad said similar to your friend - larger pool of potential friends.

Looking back perhaps I wonder if I'd gone to a different school - very small primary- where I didn't fit in whether my view of my social skills would be very different.

I have to say despite it's huge size - the teachers, including the head, do seem to know and care about my DC much more so than the smaller primaries DH and I attended.

YABU. There are so many reasons and variables in deciding where to send a child. For one thing not all children will pass the entrance exams for private schools. For another - a child who is socially timid and nervous may do better staying in a state system with a good set of close friends. There are a lot of excellent reasons for making different decisions for your children, who are, after all, very different personalities much of the time.

The 'not bright enough' point of view has nothing to do with the general premis.

If so someone views their child in negative terms they will do that if they attend the same school as their sibling.

Choosing two different schools because they best meet the needs and wishes of two different siblings is not writing one off

It's not something I would ever do but it is not 'child abuse.'

Could be somewhat unfair but a long way from abuse, unless they were to start saying "we're not sending you to private school because you're not as clever"

My DBro went to private school and my DSis and I went to the local girls' grammar. She also went to the private high school for juniors.
It was quite easy to sell it to us as being the best school for each of us. I was very happy at all my schools and did just as well as my DBro academically, both of us getting into good Uni's.

I am however slightly put out that the DGPs are now helping my DBro to send his DS to a private secondary, when none of the other grandchildren have been supported to this extent. So, just the son of DGF's son. That's looking a bit suspicious to me!

Unfair yes. However maybe you need educating about the term child abuse. And as someone else said. Maybe you should just mind your own business. Yabvvvvvvvu.

Ds went to an independent school.
Dds went to a state.
Goodness, I must favour my son's education more.

A ridiculous statement from you OP. Each of my children went to the school that was right for them. Interestingly, I had to go to appeal for the state school as we were a couple of hundred yards out of catchment, so fought much harder to get the girls in than I had to for the boy.

Also, private schools are not a homogenous mass. There are private schools that are not aimed at very academic DC.

My cousin sent his son who was quite and somewhat "stately" in his speech (ie just asking for a kicking at the local tough comp). It shites him well.

Their daughter, 3 years younger refused point blank to be separated from her friends and duly went to the tough comp. She is thriving andcourses. to come out with the same or better set of results as her expensively educated brother (and it is not a well ranked state school). Horses for courses.

But if child 2 didn't get a place, or a bursary or scholarship perhaps, he maybe wasn't 'clever enough' for a selective school. Because generally speaking private schools only want clever children! So while the parents choice of words may leave something to be desired (and one would assume they're not saying that to the DC) they could be completely accurate. He might not be clever enough at 7 for that school.

Suits him well! Dam this phone!

No its not child abuse. I went to state, my brother went private. I don't have any resentment about that, its the way things turned out. We both did well and are still great friends as adults. There was plenty of love in our family and thats all that counts. And speaking as a social worker I don't feel any need to intervene into the life of my younger self and have me and my brother removed for emotional abuse!

My sister was at private. I went to a very good state.

We do not feel abused. HTH.

Maybe all of us who got the opportunity so send one DC to independent school be it on academic merit or faculty one should have refused those places and declined, so not to upset and make jealous other siblings, hence depriving a child in question of ever further developing their talent.
Siblings should love, respect and be proud of one another achievements, I know mine two are.

We fall into the category of special needs Dd17 in state and Ds13 in private school.

A friend is sending her ds’s to the same private school as mine however her dd’s will go to a state school. I must admit I’m a bit about that. She’s extremely defensive about it and launches into a big explanation about it when anyone asks her dds if they’re looking forward to joining their brothers for secondary school. Everyone seems to assume all four will go to the same school.

She’s sending her boys to the private school because they are sporty and the school has excellent facilities. Her girls are not as sporty so they will be going to the local convent school.

Her dds have told my ds they want to go to the private school, so clearly there is resentment at least.

Child abuse? Nah.

Not a very nice thing to do? Certainly.

That said, there are situations where it makes sense., I know one family who put their DD in my DD's school. Now they've moved into an area with good state schools sp the younger DDs will go there. Eldest will stay put as she's almost done. Makes sense.

Similarl;y I know a family who have run out of cash. They'll limp through for the eldest, but there's no point starting with the youngest.

Really?

My eldest daughter is in an independent school on a substantial bursary.

We cannot afford to send our youngest daughter to the same school despite our best efforts.

Should I pull DD1 out then and throw her at the mercy of the state school system who allocated her a place 40 mins away from where we live?

DD2 will most likely go to a very nice nearby state school.

You do the best you can...

Another thing, OP, the first born is born first and so reaches secondary school age first. If they have the chance of a scholarship to private, or to get into grammar, should we turn that down IN CASE the younger child can't manage the same? Then the younger child gets to secondary school age, and would as it happens qualify for a scholarship or grammar school place, and obviously that has to be turned down as well, as the older child has been sent to the local comp. A lose lose situation.

I wouldn't call it abuse, but I think it very unfair to right a child of at age 7 as not very academic. This would have happened to me I wouldn't have the qualifications I now do.

Maybe it depends on how it's handled but I think if you do send them to different school's then you need to be careful on how you deal with it.

DH went to a fee paying grammar but his sister didn't get in. There was no effort made to send her to another private school and she went to the poor performing local comp. The odd thing is though apart from DH education his Dad in particular seems to favor her (maybe parental guilt) But he will always buy her anything she wants and although DH is laid back about it, now feels resentment about how she gets anything she wants and he has been left to fend for himself.

So I think it's probably more about the whole picture as looking at their childhood you would think DH was the favored one as he went to private school. But that isn't actually the case, unless FIL is some how still feeling guilty about her not going 20 years latter.

I think if you are going to use both state and private schools for your DC it's important to respect both.
Best to take the approach that each child is going to the school which suits them best.
My DP's did this to some extent with us and I appreciate that.
I think we could have gone to more events at my DBro's public school though, it would have been interesting.
If one is in private school then make the most of the contact for the benefit of all?
And couldn't help noticing the words .... "throw her at the mercy of the state school system" in your post there Marianne
Just think everyone should be careful what messages DC are picking up in these, very understandable, situations.