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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that sending one child state school and one child to private school is child abuse

239 replies

ReallyTired · 27/02/2014 12:19

Obviously if there is substantial special needs and there is no choice to send a child to a state school then that is completely different. Private schools for children who require a statement are difficult to find and to persaude the LEA to fund.

A neighbour of mine has chosen sent her eldest son to an expensive private very selective secondary school. The child has a partial scolarship and bursery, but they still have to find a couple of thousand pounds a year. It is a huge financial struggle. They cannot afford to send the youngest to private school. They have made the decision to send the youngest to state school as he is less intelligent. They have decided that the youngest child is less intelligent at the age of seven.

I feel that giving a child a private school education because he is deemed to be more intelligent than his sibbling is favourism. It must really hit the self esteem of the state educated child that they were not considered worth investing in. There are plenty of mixed ablity private schools with good results in my area. As the children get older they will notice the difference in resources and life experiences the other child has.

OP posts:
peacefuleasyfeeling · 27/02/2014 17:36

What an interesting thread. An exBF was the younger brother who got to go state in the burbs while his one year older brother got to ride with daddy into the city every morning to his prestigious public school. Resentment doesn't begin to cover it. Decades of it. Attempts at back-pedalling and somehow putting it right. ExBF wasn't unreasonable about it in my opinion, he was trying hard not to be, but what he from a young age perceived as his parents' obvious favouritism had already made a huge impact on his self-esteem and continued to influence his self-image and decisions far into adulthood. The decision was made because his older brother seemed to be of an academic bent and exBF apparently didn't, but it became a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm sure their parents acted as they felt was in their DSs' best interests, but it turned out so wrong. I'm intrigued that the prevailing feeling appears to be that this is a bit of a no-brainer.

EurotrashGirl · 27/02/2014 17:47

My brother wasn't very happy that I got to go to private school and he didn't, but I seriously doubt he would classify it as child abuse.

Tabliope · 27/02/2014 17:57

What if the older child had got in to a grammar school but the chances were that the younger one wouldn't. What does the parent do - not allow him to go as the younger one would have to go to a less desirable school? In more likelihood these parents haven't told the OP the younger one is less intelligent. That is what she has summised. As Meditrina said perhaps the younger one will go when he is secondary school age. Maybe the older one was in state primary. He won a scholarship so is good at something. Is he to be held back to even up the scores? As long as the parents make sure the younger one's self esteem isn't damaged if he too doesn't get a scholarship - and that can be done in many ways - then is it right to hold one back just to make things equal? There's a 4 year gap between them so hopefully there's no direct comparisons being made and the parents can find something the younger one can excel at. Maybe the younger one would prefer to go to state with all his friends. So the older one gets held back for no reason. It's difficult but sometimes kids will be treated differently. As long as they talk through it and both are made to feel loved sometimes things won't be the same.

Crowler · 27/02/2014 18:03

I'm similarly intrigued by the prevailing view that it's not a big deal. Sure, special needs, that's more than obvious. You can easily explain that to a child. Bullying? Both of my children think they've been bullied (they haven't). Disparate academic abilities? I can't even imagine how you explain that.

I think there's some willful oblivion on this thread, which may be induced by the clumsy "child abuse" reference in the OP.

Crowler · 27/02/2014 18:05

What if the older child had got in to a grammar school but the chances were that the younger one wouldn't. What does the parent do - not allow him to go as the younger one would have to go to a less desirable school?

While I can agree that one child in grammar/one out makes for a tricky conversation, it's not a good analogy. The average private school parent makes some sacrifices for private school tuition. It's not just down to the child's accomplishments.

Norfolknway · 27/02/2014 18:06

Hahahaha...YABU

splasheeny · 27/02/2014 18:07

Yabu

Different children have different needs.

AGnu · 27/02/2014 18:08

DBIL went to a private school, DH went to a state. I was horrified when I found out but DH just shrugged & said he was happy at his school with his friends he'd known since primary school. DBIL didn't have such close friendships & DH is adamant it was the right choice for each of them as individuals. Their parents could've afforded private for DH, just didn't think it would be the right fit for him. Not sure it turned out to be right for DBIL either, in retrospect!

Pretty sure neither DH or DBIL would claim to have been 'abused' by being sent to different types of school! Hmm

truelymadlysleepy · 27/02/2014 18:15

For those of you that do it I'm interested to know how you will handle Uni. Will you subsidise the State DC more than the Private? Or maybe you just draw a line at 18 and start again?

mrsminiverscharlady · 27/02/2014 18:18

I went to private school and my sister didn't. Guess which one was the favourite child? (hint: it wasn't me)

ProphetOfDoom · 27/02/2014 18:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jollyjennie · 27/02/2014 18:22

My brother went to a private school and I went to a state school. Never resented it one bit - not even the lack of holidays etc. My parents loved us both and did what they thought was best for each of us. As it turned out, I was the one that went to University. Too many people carry a chip on their shoulder from perceived 'unfairness' during childhood. This has no resemblence to child abuse. Yabu.

RuddyDuck · 27/02/2014 18:24

I've always felt incredibly aggrieved that my parents sent me to a private school purely because they felt it would be the best environment for my sister. I would have been much better off goingbtonthe local school but my parents felt that it wouldn't have been fair to send her and not me to a private school. I still think thry were wring to do it.

Otoh, I wasShock at my neighbour whose two oldr daughters go to the local comprehensive but who told md thst they are sending their son to a privste secondary "because he has a willy is a boy.

Hullygully · 27/02/2014 18:25

I thought Meryl overplayed it a tad.

Luciferbox · 27/02/2014 18:28

My brother went to a private school, I went to the local comp. I kicked up a huge fuss and refused to go to the private school as all my friends were going to the comp. After 2 years of moaning and I got my wish. My brother actually failed his A-levels so private doesn't always mean they'll be successful.

KittensoftPuppydog · 27/02/2014 18:49

I went to state school, my brother to public school.
There were financial reasons why this happened but I think I always felt that it was because they thought I was thick, and also a girl, so not worth educating.
It didn't do my self esteem much good, but my bro got 3 o'levels and I have an MSc so ner de ner de ner.

Focusingkingqueen · 27/02/2014 19:39

I have one in state and one in private. Again the reasons are known to us and the children and are perfectly valid. The child in state is at one of the top comprehensive schools in the country where the curriculum and facilities are better than many private schools and where over a third of year 11 get at least straight A and 80% of A levels are A-B,the vast majority of leavers go to russell group universities and at least a dozen a year to oxbridge. It is far better academically than the private school but wouldn't suit dc2 for many reasons. Both schools are full of very similar families. It is in no way lesser than almost every private school and is held up as a beacon of the ideal comprehensive. I am struggling to see how I am abusing my child but I am willing to listen.

lazyhound444 · 27/02/2014 20:04

My sister was offered a private school place (bursary) but didn't take it up as she didn't have the confidence to go to a school where she knew absolutely no one. I really don't think I would have resented her for it if she'd gone though.

I've known people with siblings who went to private schools when they didn't and it hasn't bothered them at all.

I think the problem stems from when any child is blatantly favoured over another, regardless of which school they're sent to. That's not pleasant for anyone.

LondonForTheWeekend · 27/02/2014 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NewtRipley · 27/02/2014 20:11

I agree with LondonfortheWeekend.

There is an issue to be discussed here, despite the word "abuse" pushing people's buttons a bit.

This thread has been interesting reading, and somewhat reassuring. I've got older DC at a Comp and younger (hopefully) going super-selective Grammar. I have struggled a bit with it TBH

Edenviolet · 27/02/2014 20:11

Dd1 goes to a private school, ds1 won't, dd2 will and I don't know yet about ds2!

It is not child abuse. Different dcs have different strengths/ needs andi look for a school based on them individually.

katese11 · 27/02/2014 20:13

We haven't missed the point...We are answering the question. Is it child abuse to send your kids to different schools? No

If the question had been "is it emotional abuse to write a 7 yo off as being stupid?" The response would have been different

NewtRipley · 27/02/2014 20:15

katese

OP has elaborated beyond that first post though.

LondonForTheWeekend · 27/02/2014 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rootypig · 27/02/2014 20:16

My parents sent me to a private school and my siblings state. Tbh I felt I had the raw deal Grin and I a def not the favourite not by a long chalk?

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