To think that sending one child state school and one child to private school is child abuse

[ReallyTired]

Obviously if there is substantial special needs and there is no choice to send a child to a state school then that is completely different. Private schools for children who require a statement are difficult to find and to persaude the LEA to fund.

A neighbour of mine has chosen sent her eldest son to an expensive private very selective secondary school. The child has a partial scolarship and bursery, but they still have to find a couple of thousand pounds a year. It is a huge financial struggle. They cannot afford to send the youngest to private school. They have made the decision to send the youngest to state school as he is less intelligent. They have decided that the youngest child is less intelligent at the age of seven.

I feel that giving a child a private school education because he is deemed to be more intelligent than his sibbling is favourism. It must really hit the self esteem of the state educated child that they were not considered worth investing in. There are plenty of mixed ablity private schools with good results in my area. As the children get older they will notice the difference in resources and life experiences the other child has.

YABVU!

One of mine is at a private boarding school, the other is at a state school. Both my children think they have the best deal. It rather depends on how it is done and how it is explained to the children as to what effect it will have on them later in life.
To say that it is child abuse is inflammatory and completely out of order.

Seriously? That's what you call child abuse? Jeez some people really are unbelievable!

It can cause conflict for parents to spend lots of money training an olympic gymnast and to ignore the non talented sibblings.

I grant you that.

Male friend had a sister - mother took to dance competitions every school holiday where he had to sit at the side and watch - money went to her. She wasn't spectacularly good. Male friend spent more time with his friends families than his own. He had very little time for his mother now.

However ignoring a talent and not finding some way to nurture it - also doesn't seem very fair.

Who knows maybe by time younger DC is at secondary they will have the resources to do same for him or he'll be academic or have another talent that requires time and money that they'll find at that stage.

I am surprised at the amount of posters saying it's ok to send one to private school and one to state school after reading so many Mumsnet threads about the importance of equal treatment, equal Christmas presents or equal money spent on hobbies etc.

Your post is predicated on the assumption that a private school is "better" than a state school.

Not so.

Different schools suit different children. I went to a private school; both my brothers went to a state school (a grammar, admittedly). There was no favouritism.

moonbells Dad was damaged by the way he was treated differently. He suffered depression and low self esteem issues. No person should fee that they are thick and worthless.

Emotional neglect is a form of child abuse. Child abuse does not have been on a level with Victoria Climbe or Daniel Pelka to be unacceptable.

PeaceJunkie well done for getting to university at 42. I am sorry that you didn't get the opportunity to go sooner.

It could be presented to the younger child in a completely different way e.g. your older brother needs much more academic support than you and as you are so bright we know you'll thrive in the state sector. But perhaps they might already have explained it by talking to both children about how their individual needs (social/academic/sport/emotional etc.) will be best met by the specific schools for which they have opted.

They may well have reasons for different choices of which you are unaware.

Sorry but I laughed at this. Child abuse?! I went to a state comp and my 3 siblings went to private school (I threw a strop and demanded to go to the comp because my friends were going there and also because I thought I'd be bored at a small school)

I did very well at school - came out with all As and A*s at GSCE, was in the school plays and choirs so never got lost in the crowd. My brother (16 months older) had numerous issues with his school's archaic ways and came out with worse results.

I'm not rushing to call the NSPCC just yet

What a sweeping generalisation, YABVU, You absolutely can not apply same prescription to every family and their circumstances, YABU to compare seriousity of a child abuse to something so trivial as state/private education.
We have to DC's one second year at the uni, state educated all the way and younger DC at the top prep in the area on a heavily subsidised place 2/3 off fees, our reasons and possibilities are only known to as as a family and perfectly valid only to us.
Do you have children in a private sector? I detect bitterness.
I view quality education as a privilege be it state or private.
Your post somehow manages to project the view of state education being inferior and only good for not clever children, reality is very different OP.

I am surprised at the amount of posters saying it's ok to send one to private school and one to state school

If one settled fine in state school and one is being mercilessly bullied and the only other option of schooling is private - I think it would be unfair to keep them both in the same school.

If one gets into a grammar school and other don't and the only state school option is dire and one at private is affordable and equivalent to the grammar - again is that really unfair?

DC at different school - one private or not - wouldn't be my ideal - but there might be situations that make that option the fair one.

The most disturbing thing about the OP is parent writing off a DC as none academic at 7.

Yabu

I will send my kids to whatever school I think best for them individually. We won't be able to afford all of them to go but if there were a particular reason why one would be much better off at a private school then I would send them. It's not about preferential treatment it's about being realistic and catering for them as individuals.

I went to private school aged 7 (I was very bored at my state school and getting demotivated), my brother aged about 14 at the time was also offered the chance - exactly so as to not be unfair, and he chose not to, he liked his school, friends etc and didn't want to leave.

I don't think you can generalise. I was at school with a lot of people on scholarships and bursaries, whose siblings were at state schools precisely because the parents couldn't afford it. Mostly they excelled at something (which was why they had a scholarship in the first place), and I think it would be very hard to turn it down when you know what a chance it is giving them.

Individuality is a key word here, agree with jenniferalisonphillipasue

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! 'Child abuse'. Too funny.

My brother went to a private school and I went to the comp. it didn't cause any resentment, just suited us both as individuals. This is not what emotional neglect looks like.

YABU!

If my parents had had the money to send any of us (3 kids) to private school, it would've been my brother.

He's very academic - only has to read through his work once and absolutely aces his exams, excels at Maths and Science but is very withdrawn, not great with social situations and needs to be given a good push to make him realise that he won't get by forever just reading the work once and heading into the exam (although he probably will, the lucky sod) . Private school would be ideal for him.

My sister isn't academically gifted in the slightest, struggles with her work, she puts a hell of a lot of work in but sometimes still doesn't quite get there, and yet she's a menace on the football field, an absolute star at PE and could conceivably be looking at getting a sports scholarship to uni in the next few years, but private school wouldn't be for her, as she doesn't thrive under that kind of pressure. She is a social butterfly, very chatty (sometimes disruptive but my parents are working on it), and is thriving at state school.

Meanwhile with me, the only private school my parents probably would've even entertained the idea of sending me to would've been theatre school. I've always been a bit more of a dreamer, creative, musical and very much into theatre, but I was also very 'head-in-the-clouds' and I need the sort of pressure a good state school gave me - firm, without being a complete hotbed of pressure, because there's only so much I could take before I'd start to rebel against it. I got very good GCSEs and A Levels (for a state school pupil, compared to average), but only because I worked bloody hard for it.

Just shows how three kids from the same family can be so different and can do well in different environments - if the family has put that kind of thought into their childrens' personalities and where they'd fit best, they're absolutely not abusive in that respect.

I'd agree with that Sillylass79.

It's not child abuse. I went to private school. my brother went to state school. was his choice. my parents wanted him to go to private school but he was dead set against it and threatened to deliberately fail the entrance exam.

I agree with sillykass79 that abusive behaviour is on a continuum.

The NSPCC does recongise passive emotional abuse. Passive emotional abuse is not necessarily intentional. I am sure that social workers do recongise passive emotional abuse. Favourism on its own does not justify taking a chidl into care even if it does cause pychological harm.

Spending the family's budget on one child does not justifty taking a child into care. However it does not make it OK to do so. Most childcare professionals do not consider smacking to be OK, but the duty social worker would not be bothered by a parent choosing to give their child a smack for running into the road.

There is a limited pot for interventions and its understandable that it targetted at more serious abuse.

Child abuse.

A dim witted op with filled pathetic attention seeking hyperbole.

Ridiculous.

'Your post is predicated on the assumption that a private school is "better" than a state school'

FriendlyLadyBird has it.

Depends on the child, depends on the individual schools and there are a thousand different reasons why a certain school would be best for a certain child.

These reasons may not be known to you but it doesn't make them any less valid. In my opinion, it's massively unreasonable to call it 'emotional abuse' unless the younger child is being completely neglected/discouraged.

Having actually been abused as a child your ridiculous attempts to justify using it are quite irritating.

Reallytired, you must be reallybored.

Favouring one child over another is a form of child abuse, it depends how far it goes.

One child having lovely bedroom the other is plain and bare, we have read this many times recently where one child has been singled out and the others have not.

Unfortunately you should try and treat children the same. From very personal experience I know treating dc differnenlty can have very damaging long lasting effects.