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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU?????? Because I am FUMING.

142 replies

BritishGal · 26/02/2014 13:10

I have NC for this.
Partner and I live separately. It's been a rocky couple of years for one reason and another so recently we decided to slow things down a bit and concentrate on making each other feel secure.

Yesterday he rings and mentions that he's going out with 'the boys, for a bit'. Says it won't be late, we can chat later, etc. My prediction is late and drunk. He refutes this, especially the drunk bit. I don't mind either way.

I go to bed early and text goodnight. He replies.

I wake to a text message sent at 5am. I reply saying late night then?!

When we speak, it turns out that after staying out all night, a whole load of them went back to his place for an impromptu party (absolutely unheard of before, he doesn't particularly like people round). Gallons of alcohol consumed, everyone falling asleep all over the place, including three random girls. WTAF?!? At this point I virtually hung up. His defence consisted entirely of "no-one slept in my bed but me" (again WTF???!!!) and "I didn't do anything wrong" - which I don't doubt. However to me having random, drunk girls sleeping in your house when you have a GF is not on. Or maybe it would be if it was planned and I knew about it - but seriously - when things are as they are I cannot understand how he thought it OK for this to happen. What if they had tried something on? Would he have allowed them to sleep in his bed if they had wanted to? I already feel excluded from his life where he lives and the fact that he can be doing this on any given night of the week does NOT help that.

I am really upset and angry and hurt - but if I'm being an unreasonable cow then please don't hold back dear mumsnetters!

OP posts:
Hullygully · 26/02/2014 13:12

How old are you both?

If he is under 25 it's possibly understandable.

natwebb79 · 26/02/2014 13:12

Sounds like the problem is that you don't trust him very much! Was it just him and a bunch of girls? If not, what's the problem? I think your problems with him lie deeper than this one night to be honest.

WowserBowser · 26/02/2014 13:13

I don't think yabu but i don't really understand why you are with him? Doesn't sound like a great relationship.

How old is he?

Famzilla · 26/02/2014 13:13

Has he ever given you reason to not trust him?

Doesn't sound like the sort of partner I'd want once I'd made it out of my teenager years tbh.

UnicornCrisps · 26/02/2014 13:14

When you say random were they strangers they picked up or friends?

Edendance · 26/02/2014 13:14

I'm not really sure why this is a problem tbh. You live seperately and as long as nothing happened- he didn't cheat then why are you cross? Sounds like there's a lot more problems there

Fontofnowt · 26/02/2014 13:15

I agree with Hully if you are youngsters and it's the norm in your circles then fine but if you're 45 it's a bit odd.

TheBeautifulVisit · 26/02/2014 13:15

YABU

You sound controlling.

shakinstevenslovechild · 26/02/2014 13:15

On this issue I do think YABU, he went on a night out, had a few friends back and had a bit of a party, it isn't unusual.

I think there is a lot more to this than you have written here though, so your reaction might be understandable.

BumpyGrindy · 26/02/2014 13:15

The issue here is not that he is having a social life but that you seem to want more commitment from him and it's not forthcoming.

UnicornCrisps · 26/02/2014 13:16

It’s not so much the sleepover as the going out and drunkenly picking up girls to invite back home that is out of order imo. If they were mates then it’s not so much of an issue.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 26/02/2014 13:16

It's not unreasonable to be upset by his behaviour but it's up to him what he does. If he wants to go out and get pissed then that's down to him. If you don't want to be with someone who does that then end it.

WowserBowser · 26/02/2014 13:17

My dh recently went on a work night out and missed his train home. He ended up staying in an apartment his colleagues had for the night. Some of them were women.

Didn't bother me, i trust him. It just seems like you are unhappy in general though.

LouiseAderyn · 26/02/2014 13:17

I think the problem here is that you are not living together as a couple, but you are not single either.

I don't think you are u - I would not like this either, primarily because I think getting wasted and crashing out with strangers is immature and man children bug the fuck out of me.

As for the potential cheating, I think that if he is the kind of man who could shag someone else on a whim ( drunk or otherwise) then you deserve better.

I think a talk is in order about where you both see this relationship heading. It can only work if you both want the same things and that needs clarifying and ground rules put in place that you both agree to.

WhereDoAllTheCalculatorsGo · 26/02/2014 13:17

If you live separately I think YABU, you can't have a say over who stays at his place.

eightandthreequarters · 26/02/2014 13:18

Well, you made the right decision to separate. Make it official.

Ginnytonic82 · 26/02/2014 13:18

Did the girls not go back with his friends?

LoopyDoopyDoo · 26/02/2014 13:18

Sounds fun Confused

JackyDanny · 26/02/2014 13:19

If the shoe was on the other foot, and you went for drinks, got smashed and ended up partying with friends and three guys you picked up, would that be ok?

JackyDanny · 26/02/2014 13:20

Would he be ok with that I mean

WooWooOwl · 26/02/2014 13:21

The problem isn't the girls, it's that you don't trust him.

I remember a few nights out ending like this when I was younger, there's no real need for it to be a problem unless you have other issues. Which you do, so concentrate on those.

pictish · 26/02/2014 13:23

Hmmm...when I think of how many impromptu after pub/club house parties I have ended up at with various mates (male and female), sometimes crashing over there after falling asleep, I can only shrug at this.
It wasn't about anything other than carrying the good times on, the company, and continuing to drink.

I can think of a few occasions where the male host had a gf somewhere or other. I didn't think anything of it, or her, because there was nothing untoward going on.

Based on that experience I think yabu.

SarahBumBarer · 26/02/2014 13:23

What does "slow things down a bit" mean? Why was there a need to make each other feel more secure?

The above comments indicate that there is more to this than is immediately obvious and you are probably not BU.

HighlanderMam · 26/02/2014 13:24

YABU.

He had a party, loads of people went back to his and they all partied then passed out. He slept alone in his bed. You don't doubt this.

What is the problem?

You don't trust him.
You think that if a woman comes on to him he hasn't the ability to say no.

Unhealthy relationship.

SanityClause · 26/02/2014 13:24

Do you think you want more commitment than he does?

Maybe it's time to weigh up the whole relationship, and decide whether it is working for you.