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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU?????? Because I am FUMING.

142 replies

BritishGal · 26/02/2014 13:10

I have NC for this.
Partner and I live separately. It's been a rocky couple of years for one reason and another so recently we decided to slow things down a bit and concentrate on making each other feel secure.

Yesterday he rings and mentions that he's going out with 'the boys, for a bit'. Says it won't be late, we can chat later, etc. My prediction is late and drunk. He refutes this, especially the drunk bit. I don't mind either way.

I go to bed early and text goodnight. He replies.

I wake to a text message sent at 5am. I reply saying late night then?!

When we speak, it turns out that after staying out all night, a whole load of them went back to his place for an impromptu party (absolutely unheard of before, he doesn't particularly like people round). Gallons of alcohol consumed, everyone falling asleep all over the place, including three random girls. WTAF?!? At this point I virtually hung up. His defence consisted entirely of "no-one slept in my bed but me" (again WTF???!!!) and "I didn't do anything wrong" - which I don't doubt. However to me having random, drunk girls sleeping in your house when you have a GF is not on. Or maybe it would be if it was planned and I knew about it - but seriously - when things are as they are I cannot understand how he thought it OK for this to happen. What if they had tried something on? Would he have allowed them to sleep in his bed if they had wanted to? I already feel excluded from his life where he lives and the fact that he can be doing this on any given night of the week does NOT help that.

I am really upset and angry and hurt - but if I'm being an unreasonable cow then please don't hold back dear mumsnetters!

OP posts:

TheOrchardKeeper · 26/02/2014 13:37

Well then, for what it's worth, considering things are rocky and the relationship isn't entirely secure atm I'd have thought it was disrespectful and probably question how much he actually valued/respected me tbh. I'd also never entirely believe that he didn't shag one of those girls, as you have no 'prrof' of who really went back or what happened.

Lots will disagree but that's how I'd feel. Good luck.

Fifyfomum · 26/02/2014 13:38

sorry just read last page.

Leave him, he sounds awfully controlling.

Fontofnowt · 26/02/2014 13:38

Bit odd then.
Have a good think about yourself and if you are allowing low confidence to give you low expectations.
You don't want saddling with a manchild instead of a partner.

EverythingCounts · 26/02/2014 13:38

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with anyone who applied such blatant double standards to what he does and what you can do. That is a deal breaker, right there. It's not about having opposite sex people to stay or getting drunk or any of that. It's about him thinking he can tell you what to do but you get no say in his life.

I genuinely don't understand how you can say you 'trust and respect' him given this. What is there to respect about someone who expects double standards and unfairness to be adhered to? How can you 'trust' him knowing that he thinks he's in charge, he's better than you?

lainiekazan · 26/02/2014 13:38

I don't really understand the word "partner" or dp. At the moment he is surely your boyfriend . A partner implies, well, a partnership. A joining together, on the same road, sharing.

If someone lives alone, does their own thing - then I'm afraid that their social life etc is up to them. If that includes drunken parties then that's their business, no matter whether they're 18 or 80.

LouiseAderyn · 26/02/2014 13:41

The double standards would definitely be a deal breaker for me.

At a glance he seems to have it all ways, really. He can dip in and out of his relationship with you and act like a single man the rest of the time. He is not coming across well.

Stockhausen · 26/02/2014 13:44

But you haven't reacted!? You've posted here how fuming you are, while he 'gets off' with a huffy phone call?

Until next time OP

TheOrchardKeeper · 26/02/2014 13:45

Also, you come across like someone who's been told by your 'd'p that you're always being OTT when actually you're just reacting like anyone with any self respect would. Does he ever imply that you're being irrational/OTT about things? Especially things like this/double standards/you not being 'involved' in his life? If so, you're really not and it's a big fat red, controlling flag.

TheOrchardKeeper · 26/02/2014 13:48

Maybe ask to have this moved to relationships? AIBU can be pretty harsh, especially if you're feeling a bit fragile/unsure.

Thebluedog · 26/02/2014 13:49

I think yabu, you don't live together and he can do what he wants in his own house. You knew he was going out and he told you about the party, I don't see what the problem is.

However he is BU is you couldn't do the same.

PiperRose · 26/02/2014 13:52

There are so many things wrong with this 'relationship' that I can't begin to give any advice apart from end it. Now.

CoffeeTea103 · 26/02/2014 13:54

Yanbu op! I would be really upset too. He seems to be behaving like a teenager. Seriously at his age he should be past the stage of being so drunk with random girls sleeping over. This is not what people in a relationship do. I can't even imagine my DH doing something like this.

Original poster

BritishGal · 26/02/2014 13:56

Orchard - I don't mind harsh, I am after genuine opinions and so far they're all following a similar trend.
I should add that he has tried to call and sent a sad face :( text asking me to call him.

OP posts:

TheOrchardKeeper · 26/02/2014 13:58

He must be getting something out of the relationship, so of course he's going to at least try that route to see if you'll buckle.

Sneakymeezerflyingthetardis · 26/02/2014 13:59

Yeah, see the party/girls is not the major problem I see. The real problem is the double standards and lack of respect. What do you get from the relationship?

EverythingCounts · 26/02/2014 14:01

So if you don't call now, or text, will you get grief from him because you didn't respond and he didn't know what you were up to?

If so, that is no way to live.

TheOrchardKeeper · 26/02/2014 14:03

What do you get from this? It doesn't sound like it's making you feel good/happy at all? If someone is disrespectful to you like that more than once, in an intimate relationship it will inevitably have a negative affect on your self-esteem, self respect, emotional security etc

Beastofburden · 26/02/2014 14:04

From my perspective you are both quite overly concerned with this kind of thing. I think he sounds unreasonably jealous of you; and I guess if that's what works for both of you, then what is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander- so you ought to be allowed to be unreasonably jealous of him, to make it fair.

It's odd though, as it doesn't sit so well with living independently. Personally I think you should both be allowed to have random drunk people sleeping over if that's the hospitable and safe thing to do. I'd be worried if my DP allowed vulnerable (ie, pissed) girls to make their own way home in the middle of the night.

If either of you wanted to cheat, it would be easy and you don't need a drunk party to make it happen.

TheOrchardKeeper · 26/02/2014 14:04

(Also the sad face text seems to be a veiled 'hurry up and forgive me you idiot' gesture. No real sorry etc).

DebbieOfMaddox · 26/02/2014 14:04

I think YABU to be angry about the drunk friends sleeping over even though some of them had vaginas. But YANBU to be angry that he is a controlling wankbadger with double standards and an array of red flags for potentially abusive behaviour and YWNBU to wake up, stop trying to "make him feel secure" and move on.

YouTheCat · 26/02/2014 14:08

He's a manipulative arse. A 'sad face' text? Is he 14?

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 26/02/2014 14:10

The party on its own shouldn't be an issue. If you trust him, he should be able to have friends over and drink without it being suspicious or a way for him to cheat.

But, your whole relationship sounds very messy. I wouldn't be with someone who demanded texts and calls and who got sulky if they didn't get them. And if he's allowed to do something (go out, drink, and invite girls back over), then you should be allowed to do exactly the same thing. You're obviously not, so why be with him? Things should be equal in relationships.

It doesn't sound like there's any respect or trust here, and he seems very controlling and possessive. You have no DC together and you don't live together - why stay together? It sounds horrible.

Owllady · 26/02/2014 14:12

I can't be the only one in their mid 30s thinking...on a Tuesday! Night?!
Didn't they all have to go to work today?

I agree he does sound controlling though. You are in your mid 30s with two children, you need to put into perspective who is the most important, ie. You three not him if he behaves in this manner

Stopmithering · 26/02/2014 14:18

Don't really get why the "girls" couldn't just go home?
I think you are both too old (sorry don't take that as a "you're old" comment!!) to be controlling / jealous of each other - I associate that sort of thing with youngsters personally and really, people in mid 30s should be well over that kind of thing, no?
Can you really see your relationship continuing like this?
You clearly think a lot of him.
Does he think as much of you? Only you really know the answer to that.
It doesn't sound quite like he's in a position to be your "partner".
But again, only you really know that.

AdoraBell · 26/02/2014 14:18

Needs to know where you are at all times, and messages to answered swiftly are much bigger issues than an impromptu drunken party.

Want happens if he sends a text that you don't see? Perhaps your are busy with DCs, or your battery is flat and you haven't realized?

I appreciate that you don't want to go into details of your relationship issues here but just on those two points I would walk away.

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