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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU?????? Because I am FUMING.

142 replies

BritishGal · 26/02/2014 13:10

I have NC for this.
Partner and I live separately. It's been a rocky couple of years for one reason and another so recently we decided to slow things down a bit and concentrate on making each other feel secure.

Yesterday he rings and mentions that he's going out with 'the boys, for a bit'. Says it won't be late, we can chat later, etc. My prediction is late and drunk. He refutes this, especially the drunk bit. I don't mind either way.

I go to bed early and text goodnight. He replies.

I wake to a text message sent at 5am. I reply saying late night then?!

When we speak, it turns out that after staying out all night, a whole load of them went back to his place for an impromptu party (absolutely unheard of before, he doesn't particularly like people round). Gallons of alcohol consumed, everyone falling asleep all over the place, including three random girls. WTAF?!? At this point I virtually hung up. His defence consisted entirely of "no-one slept in my bed but me" (again WTF???!!!) and "I didn't do anything wrong" - which I don't doubt. However to me having random, drunk girls sleeping in your house when you have a GF is not on. Or maybe it would be if it was planned and I knew about it - but seriously - when things are as they are I cannot understand how he thought it OK for this to happen. What if they had tried something on? Would he have allowed them to sleep in his bed if they had wanted to? I already feel excluded from his life where he lives and the fact that he can be doing this on any given night of the week does NOT help that.

I am really upset and angry and hurt - but if I'm being an unreasonable cow then please don't hold back dear mumsnetters!

OP posts:
TalisaMaegyr · 26/02/2014 14:21

It's the double standard that would be the issue for me. Also, I have to be honest, I would be slightly Hmm about an impromptu party on a school night at his age.

maras2 · 26/02/2014 14:39

Anyone who txts me at 5 am had better be hospital or police . Why did you bother responding ?

Original poster
BritishGal · 26/02/2014 14:46

I only saw it when I woke up at 7 :)

They all own and run their own businesses so they're free to piss around whenever they want, basically. Very 'lad' culture. Why didn't the girls go home? No idea.

He has not attempted to contact me since 11am. I have sent one text. AIBU to feel he could make more of an effort to reconcile things? What would you expect in this situation??
(I know I sound needy and pathetic but genuinely confused as to how one progresses in this situation........

OP posts:
Original poster
BritishGal · 26/02/2014 14:48

Adora - there would be chasing texts and/or calls, followed by an assessment of whether or not the thing which prevented me from seeing his text was justified or not.

OP posts:
FutTheShuckUp · 26/02/2014 14:48

You do sound needy. You are also not listening to anyone so im not going to waste any further time here.

YouTheCat · 26/02/2014 14:51

So you aren't allowed to assess for yourself when you want to text? It has to be straight away unless you have a reason?

That is awful, truly awful.

It's all on his terms by the sounds of it and you'd be better off without him especially given how little effort he's putting in to saying sorry. And a 5am text is not on unless it's important.

Beastofburden · 26/02/2014 14:51

Well, it depends.

Do you want to keep on with your existing way of doing stuff? I mean, it sounds exhausting to me, TBH, but each to their own. If you want to go the high maintenance route then ask yourself, "what would Miss Piggy do?". Seriously, not being snarky, honest- she is your icon. Ignore, send a random drunk angry text tonight, make him suffer until you get chocolate and flowers.

Or you could model the desired behaviour. That's also a bit risky, as it is easy to end up taking all the shit and being a doormat. But you could say to him, look, I know you meant no harm by it, fair enough, what's the point of this relationship if we don't trust one another. Two advantages: (a) you can use it back at him when he starts off on one and (b) if he did shag someone he will feel much more guilty.

AnnabelleLee · 26/02/2014 14:52

This is a really dysfunctional relationship, from both sides. you are both controlling, insecure, volatile and needy.
Get out now while you still can.

Beastofburden · 26/02/2014 14:53

and also- I know part of this is not, did he shag someone, but, I am missing out and excluded from his life. So, when saying fair enough etc etc, make arrangements for him to spoil you on a weekend together somehow. Make you remember the point of this relationship.

Beastofburden · 26/02/2014 14:55

Adora - there would be chasing texts and/or calls, followed by an assessment of whether or not the thing which prevented me from seeing his text was justified or not.

that's just not normal, sorry.

really, it isn't.

OnlyLovers · 26/02/2014 14:59

I wouldn't care if my partner had people of the opposite sex round for a party. But then again my partner doesn't demand constant updates on where I am and explanations as to why I haven't replied to a text.

You're both as bad as each other, I think.

TheOrchardKeeper · 26/02/2014 15:03

AIBU to feel he could make more of an effort to reconcile things

That is the least of your worries, surely? Shock

He assesses whether or not you could have replied? WTAF.

Do you know that's not normal/healthy? I'm sure you're used to it but it really isn't.

TheDoctorsNewKidneys · 26/02/2014 15:08

This is totally not normal OP. Really.

He asseses whether you could have replied to a text or not? And if you don't reply and he decides you "could have", he sulks? And you think that's normal?

You have so much more to worry about than him apologising for going out drinking and getting a bit carried away.

AdoraBell · 26/02/2014 15:12

Agree, not normal at all. That is a control freak.

Do you want your DCs to mimick this behaviour with ther own relationships? Because they will.

He may own his own business but he does not own you. No one does and I do not believe that anyone, male or female, needs a relationship enough to live like your relationship dictates.

EverythingCounts · 26/02/2014 15:18

This sounds like an exhausting relationship to maintain. Doesn't it tire you out? Don't you feel you are giving a lot and getting very little in return?

LadyInDisguise · 26/02/2014 15:39

I don't agree that because you aren't living together then he obviously has every right to do whatever he wants during the evening. When you are in a committed relationship, even if you don't live together, then you should respect the needs and wants of your partner. Incl if he had random girls sleeping over at his house (or if you do).

Personally I wouldn't see the issue in that as long as you completely trust him.
However I would also expect him to trust you enough to allow a similar attitude and certainly not having to justify any if your actions/not answering texts/who you are going out with.
It looks like he has reverted to living like a 20yo whilst wanting the security of you being at home waiting for him Hmm

I think you need to out that into the current context where you want to slow things down. Why did you want to do that? Do you think that in his mind it means that it's finished and he can start having a single life again?
Did you want to slow things down it did he?

Ginnytonic82 · 26/02/2014 16:06

Are you happy being with someone so demanding? With such double standards? I'm sorry but he certainly doesn't sound wonderful.

SeaSickSal · 26/02/2014 16:09

Sorry, but I think a divorced man in his 30s who is still going out partying and having 'everyone back to mine' style parties is a bit of a sad act who should grow up.

Dump him.

myroomisatip · 26/02/2014 16:12

From your posts he sounds controlling. Different behaviour by him should not be acceptable. Big red flag there. That is how my Ex started. I predict that he will get worse.

Sorry. I guess I am getting cynical but he is not a wonderful man, IMO.

Now go and arrange a great party at your house next time you are child free and dont invite him.... >> evil Grin

SirChenjin · 26/02/2014 16:26

Dump him, move on. You are his girlfriend in name only and you can get a far better bloke. Tell him to do one and move on - in 6 minths time you will wonder why you spent so long with this manchild if a loser.

Original poster
BritishGal · 26/02/2014 22:52

UPDATE: Hour long conversation with him where he mocked me saying that I had committed to him, said that he had made a conscious choice not to share his problems with me - and when I said I was hurt he said that no-one else in the whole world would see him keeping his problems to himself as an insult. I really do, considering how close I thought we were. It was like a kick in the teeth when he said that. I have been completely open and honest. Too much so, it seems.

He did accept that he was unreasonable about last night.

I feel hurt, angry and tearful. And I'm going to pull myself together!!!!!! Wine

OP posts:
AnyaKnowIt · 26/02/2014 23:00

Tell him to fucking do one.

Life is too short for this kind of shit

Stopmithering · 26/02/2014 23:02

I think you are in different places.

hanloumac · 26/02/2014 23:03

Not sure if anyone else has said this, so forgive me! But he did actually tell you about what happened, which in my eyes would mean he's being honest. If he had have had anything to do with these girls he definitely wouldn't have told you!

Stopmithering · 26/02/2014 23:04

Actually, what Anya has written pretty much sums it up!