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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU?????? Because I am FUMING.

142 replies

BritishGal · 26/02/2014 13:10

I have NC for this.
Partner and I live separately. It's been a rocky couple of years for one reason and another so recently we decided to slow things down a bit and concentrate on making each other feel secure.

Yesterday he rings and mentions that he's going out with 'the boys, for a bit'. Says it won't be late, we can chat later, etc. My prediction is late and drunk. He refutes this, especially the drunk bit. I don't mind either way.

I go to bed early and text goodnight. He replies.

I wake to a text message sent at 5am. I reply saying late night then?!

When we speak, it turns out that after staying out all night, a whole load of them went back to his place for an impromptu party (absolutely unheard of before, he doesn't particularly like people round). Gallons of alcohol consumed, everyone falling asleep all over the place, including three random girls. WTAF?!? At this point I virtually hung up. His defence consisted entirely of "no-one slept in my bed but me" (again WTF???!!!) and "I didn't do anything wrong" - which I don't doubt. However to me having random, drunk girls sleeping in your house when you have a GF is not on. Or maybe it would be if it was planned and I knew about it - but seriously - when things are as they are I cannot understand how he thought it OK for this to happen. What if they had tried something on? Would he have allowed them to sleep in his bed if they had wanted to? I already feel excluded from his life where he lives and the fact that he can be doing this on any given night of the week does NOT help that.

I am really upset and angry and hurt - but if I'm being an unreasonable cow then please don't hold back dear mumsnetters!

OP posts:
chrome100 · 27/02/2014 07:31

I have read your thread twice and I can't see what on earth he has done wrong. You sound very controlling! So he had drunk women sleeping at his house? Big deal. It doesn't mean he's slept with them. Either you trust him or you don't. I fail to see the problem here.

Ginnytonic82 · 27/02/2014 07:43

Op, you need to learn to respect yourself. You deserve far better than this. Unfortunately, if you don't believe that you're giving him a licence to treat you like shit. You need to tell him to get to fuck and move on.

BakerStreetSaxRift · 27/02/2014 08:20

Your family will understand, and support you.

You need to walk away from this, you will be so much happier and calmer.

QOD · 27/02/2014 09:34

Walk

35? My 20 yr old nieces sounds more mature than him

brighteyedbusytailed · 27/02/2014 09:39

I agree picking up random drunk girls for 'party back at mine' is out of order if you have a girlfriend, especially if said partner is not there, it smacks of out of sight out of mind.

however he is still entitled to go out and get drunk without feeling like a leash is around him, are you married? kids?

are you sure he wants a serious relationship?

brighteyedbusytailed · 27/02/2014 09:43

Now after further reading.
For me, the double standard would be a problem.

Disrespect.

this ^^

cory · 27/02/2014 09:50

chrome100, you have read the whole thread twice- so you have seen that the OP's boyfriend is totally controlling of her, has to know her slightest movement and has to know exactly why if she does not immediately answer a text message. But does not keep to these standards himself.

And you do not see a problem with this? Hmm

MomentOfTruth · 27/02/2014 10:58

OP this guy is showing you again his controlling tendencies. He has no hesitation on outting you down and doing whatever it takes to make you feel small and useless.

Now please remember you are NOT useless or crazy or whatever else it is he is telling you. You do need to talk to people in RL, people who will be able to support you and to help you see his real true side.
And Stop this relationship where he takes what he wants and you have to be at his orders. He is NOT a loving person. He doesn't love you. If he did he wouldn't be acting this way. It's not his problems that make him act this way. It's because he is an arse.

TheOrchardKeeper · 27/02/2014 11:22

But I love him and I see he doesn't mean it

He means it. He mocked you! He's not sorry, he just knows he has to say something of the sort to keep you. But he will never respect you. He'll always treat you this way. You'll always feel substandard with him.

It's so intense. And it's sad to read your latest posts. You sound very blind to it all.

MadIsTheNewNormal · 27/02/2014 11:27

Only read the OP so far....

I don't see the issue. You do not live together. He did not have sexual contact with any of the women. They did not sleep in his bed. He had a party with his friends and these girls would appear to be his 'friends' in one way or another. There were other people present so it wasn't as if he was just inviting one woman back for coffee after meeting her when out.

I think you don't seem to be singing from the same hymn sheet about how serious/committed you are.

MomentOfTruth · 27/02/2014 11:54

Then maybe mad you should have read the rest of the OP's posts. Because they depict a very different picture than just a boyfriend who invite a few people over (and even that could be discussed and seen as inappropriate anyway)

The problem is that by saying to the OP 'oh there us nothing wrong with that' whilst ignoring the rest if the posts you are actually doing a lot of harm :(

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 27/02/2014 13:12

One rule for big man who gets to drink with da boyz and make his own decisions... another rule for wee wifey who's safely occupied looking after the babbies. Big man no likey if she steps out of that role.

Dump!

Nanny0gg · 27/02/2014 16:00

I can't tell any of my friends or family that I'm with him because they all hate him for what he did to me (mentally abusive, controlling).

I think they're right. If you have to keep a relationship a secret at your age then it's not a good one.

But I love him and I see he doesn't mean it.

Yes, he does.

But I also think I've lost the plot somewhere along the way.

I think you're right, here. Yes you have.

Sorry.

moominmarvellous · 27/02/2014 17:24

Of course YANBU to be furious!

This place cracks me up:

'I just shrug at this' 'What's the big deal' 'You sound like a control freak'. Really?

I think you're within your rights to be annoyed at this situation. Especially as you said it isn't an ordinary occurrence, and wouldn't be tolerated in the reverse.

The fact that you two are in the process of trying to salvage things and encourage trust makes his behaviour worse.

If I were you, I'd be edging towards calling it a day. I just don't equate his behaviour with a serious relationship that would involve your children. You've already taken a step back, I dunno OP.........he doesn't sound like a safe bet.

GarlicLeGrenouille · 28/02/2014 00:01

That is a great article, BOF. They should teach it in school!

brighteyedbusytailed · 28/02/2014 09:39

that is a good article!! although I've come across a lot 'but he doesn't hit me-hilda's' that require a section on there.

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