AIBU to be pissed off at friend not helping me with job application?

[ProcrastinationIsMyMiddleName]

I have an interview for a very exciting new job.

When the job advert came up, I immediately emailed it to one of my close friends who actually did the job of my potential future boss, but when she applied for a promotion, she didn't get it and left the company.

She initially didn't respond to my email, and then when prompted, was extremely negative. She told me that I would hate the job, it's not what I want, and launched into a rant about how badly they treated her over the promotion.

I applied anyway, and I now have an interview. I wasn't going to mention it to the negative friend, since she had been so unsupportive. However, it then occurred to me that in having a friend who has actually done this job, I have a huge advantage over anyone else and I really should try and tap into her knowledge a bit more.

So I sent her a message on Facebook to tell her that I have an interview (hooray!) and told her I hoped she might be able to give me some pointers, and insider knowledge about the company etc.

I had no reply from her, despite seeing that she has since been active on Facebook. I know sometimes Facebook messaging isn't always the most reliable so I sent her an email yesterday. No reply.

I realize I might be a little insensitive here though, since my friend is clearly still feeling bitter about not getting the job promotion (18 months ago) and might not want reminding of it, and hearing about the lady who did get the job might sting a little. I should add though that she subsequently got a really good job, claimed she never really wanted the first job anyway, and really ought to be happy with her lot.

A bit of background on our friendship - we have been friends for 9 years, having worked together previously. We moved apart physically as I took another job and moved city, but we have always stayed in close contact. I saw her recently at a mutual friend's wedding, so it's not as if we are no longer close. Her career is progressing better than mine, so it's not as if she should be jealous of me at all.

So, do I persevere since she really could help me a lot and her insight will give me a huge advantage over the other applicants? (I should add that this job is a rare opportunity, and I really want it badly.)

Or do I give up on her, and accept that I might have been insensitive to have asked in the first place?

[SelectAUserName]

No, I don't think it would be better to let it lie. Just put "Sorry, I've been an insensitive cow!" or similar in the subject line so she knows it's not yet another request for information, give a sincere apology for continuing to pester her when she's made it clear how she feels and leave it there. Don't make any further demands, not even "I hope you can forgive me?" type appeals. Just a statement of apologetic fact which she can choose to respond to or not as she sees fit without feeling that you still want or expect something from her right now.

[kungfupannda]

It would only be pestering her if you went on to nag her about the interview.

Otherwise it would be apologising.

You've actively chased her about this issue - you should be equally active in apologising.

[candycoatedwaterdrops]

I know you've realised you were BU but I can't fathom why you'd even ask in the first place knowing that she felt bitter about her experience with the company.

[ProcrastinationIsMyMiddleName]

Good point shoom I hadn't thought of AIBU like that - I always read the full thread before responding, I never jump in at the end, so assumed everyone was doing the same.

Select I may well do that, thank you. I will give it a few days and send something similar to what you have suggested.

Just spoken to DH about this, mind you, and he is adamant that she is being unreasonable and that as a friend she ought to put her bitterness behind her and offer me at the very least some words of congratulations / advice. Of course, he knows the backstory of how much I have helped her in the past so he's seeing it from a different context.

I suppose I'm minimizing her bitterness because I have heard it all before from her. Literally every single job she has ever had, she has left under a bad cloud and slagged off the company / boss for ever more. She still tells me stories about how badly her uni supervisor treated her 20 years ago. After a while, you start to get a bit and wonder how it is possible that every employer she has ever had has treated her so badly. Now I know exactly what happened to her in this last job - she has told me many times, and while I agree it's shit that she didn't get the promotion... I'm kind of also thinking she needs to put it behind her. It doesn't do her any favours to carry this bitterness around and complain about her old company to anyone who will listen. It really doesn't.

So I guess that's the context I was coming from, so when she intially told me I'd hate the job etc, I thought this was being heavily influenced by her own bitterness.

And if I get the job, and I do hate it, well that's my own hard luck. But I'd rather have tried.

[SelectAUserName]

Spoken to DH, or showed him the thread?

I'm sure my DH would back me up 100% if I told him something like "Friend X - you know, the one I've helped loads of times - hasn't even said congratulations at me getting the interview. She is refusing to help me with my preparation, despite the fact I'm sure she must have some inside info I could use and she hasn't even replied to my last couple of messages".

But that's not quite how it is, is it OP?

[ViviPru]

Taking what you've reported purely at face value, I do think she's being oversensitive and being unnecessarily difficult.

It's not the same, but I had a situation where a friend asked for advice in applying for a role beneath the position I held somewhere I used to work that I had a bit of a turbulent time with. I thought the directors were crooks and was well shot of the company, but I sent her a quick reply offering a couple of pieces of information that may or may not have helped and wished her well and that was that. I could have been all brow-moppy and negative and forthright with my opinions to her but I don't need that shit. I like to rub along easily with old acquaintances, and I know that if I'd responded as your friend has, I'd be fuelling an awkward situation with an old friend, whereas I could just diffuse it.

She sounds like hard work. But then so do you a bit OP, but only in this thread and I'm sure you'd accept that is the case and you're lovely otherwise!

[TheToysAreALIVEITellThee]

Well.....IVE just shown MY DP this thread and he says you are wrong so ner......

[ADishBestEatenCold]

"I suppose I'm minimizing her bitterness because I have heard it all before from her. Literally every single job she has ever had, she has left under a bad cloud and slagged off the company / boss for ever more. She still tells me stories about how badly her uni supervisor treated her 20 years ago. After a while, you start to get a bit hmm and wonder how it is possible that every employer she has ever had has treated her so badly. Now I know exactly what happened to her in this last job - she has told me many times, and while I agree it's shit that she didn't get the promotion... I'm kind of also thinking she needs to put it behind her. It doesn't do her any favours to carry this bitterness around and complain about her old company to anyone who will listen. It really doesn't."

You are STILL doing it. Still slagging her off in really quite an underhand sounding way. It sounds nasty.

It doesn't sound like you're her friend. I think Select has given you some great advice and, in fact, has virtually written an email for you, but even then, despite apparently agreeing that you should apologise, you want to put in off for "a few days".
Your not her friend and I don't think you really want her as your friend. Whether you make the effort to apologise or not, I think you should just let your relationship go. I don't think you and she will miss each other.

"Just spoken to DH about this, mind you, and he is adamant that she is being unreasonable ".
At least you and your DH are compatible.

[Pumpkinpositive]

You don't think much of this "friend" do you, OP?

[WallyBantersJunkBox]

Your DH agrees and backs you completely.

And that's why you are a perfect match. No doubt.

[ProcrastinationIsMyMiddleName]

Spoken to DH, or showed him the thread? - Spoken to him, again. He has known about it all along, advised me to contact her again when she ignored me the first time. He's angry because as well as me helping her out, he too has helped her out quite considerably in the past. I haven't showed him the thread he'd be horrified if he knew I asked strangers on the internet for advice!

I'm sure my DH would back me up 100% if I told him something like "Friend X - you know, the one I've helped loads of times - hasn't even said congratulations at me getting the interview. She is refusing to help me with my preparation, despite the fact I'm sure she must have some inside info I could use and she hasn't even replied to my last couple of messages". That is exactly what has happened. So you're saying that, in my situation, your DH would back you up?

But that's not quite how it is, is it OP? - yes it really is how it is. I'm not sure what you're suggesting, how else could it be?

[ProcrastinationIsMyMiddleName]

Thank you ViviPru

I had a situation where a friend asked for advice in applying for a role beneath the position I held somewhere I used to work that I had a bit of a turbulent time with. I thought the directors were crooks and was well shot of the company, but I sent her a quick reply offering a couple of pieces of information that may or may not have helped and wished her well and that was that. I could have been all brow-moppy and negative and forthright with my opinions to her but I don't need that shit. I like to rub along easily with old acquaintances, and I know that if I'd responded as your friend has, I'd be fuelling an awkward situation with an old friend, whereas I could just diffuse it.

That's exactly how I had hoped she would behave. And let me be clear, the company she worked for are not bad people at all, they purely didn't give her a promotion that she felt she deserved. So it's not even as if she's trying to save me from a shit company.

Yeah she is hard work and so am I, I suppose.

[Littlefish]

Procrastination - people on this thread do not agree with you. You are repeating the same things over and over again. This is not changing anyone's mind.

A discussion is great to have. A discussion where one person (or a very few people) continues to insist they are correct even when the vast majority of people are telling them that their actions or thoughts are wrong, just becomes very boring.

Please let us know when you have apologised to your former friend. Good luck with your interview.

[ProcrastinationIsMyMiddleName]

You are STILL doing it. Still slagging her off in really quite an underhand sounding way. It sounds nasty. Yes I suppose it does. She has her issues, (as do I) but I care about her. I suppose I'm slagging her off here because I'm pissed off with her, and also because everyone has been so quick to defend her and assume she was so hard done by and therefore justified in her bitterness towards the company. I really don't believe she is - and was just trying to convey that for some balance.

[Littlefish]

It's not a shit company, in your opinion. Howeve, she obviously feels differently.

[ProcrastinationIsMyMiddleName]

people on this thread do not agree with you. You are repeating the same things over and over again. This is not changing anyone's mind.

I'm not trying to change anyone's mind. I'm not repeating the same things over and over again. I am discussing my feelings.

I most certainly am not insisting I am correct - have you actually read what I have written? I have taken people's viewpoints on board, and have offered more information to justify some of my feelings.

Once more, someone who had decided that I am 'One of THOSE posters who just repeats their opinion over and over and completely refuses to accept they are BU despite every poster telling them otherwise...' when if you actually took the time to read what I have written you will see that it is not true.

If I'm boring you, that's ok, you're free to go.

[Chippednailvarnish]

Funny how, now that this has settled into a reasonable discussion about my friend's feelings - all the flame throwers from the beginning of the thread have disappeared

Nope, I'm still here and really glad your not a friend of mine.

[ProcrastinationIsMyMiddleName]

It's not a shit company, in your opinion. However, she obviously feels differently

Yeah good point. She probably does.

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

Mmm. I suspect you think I was one of the 'flame throwers'.

I got bored with you insisting it's your god-given right to repeat the same thing over and over while being rude to people who happen to disagree, and don't start agreeing just because you repeat it.

Remarkably like your friend, in fact.

You're not helping yourself, OP.

[ProcrastinationIsMyMiddleName]

Nope, I'm still here and really glad your not a friend of mine.

Thanks Chipped that, and being called a twat and a bad friend, has really made my day.

You obviously consider yourself a nice person, to kick someone when they are down.

[ADishBestEatenCold]

"Yes I suppose it does. She has her issues, (as do I) but I care about her. I suppose I'm slagging her off here because I'm pissed off with her"

I think I'm glad you're not my 'friend'!

[ProcrastinationIsMyMiddleName]

I don't think I ever insisted it was my god given right to do anything

I also don't think I was repeating the same thing over and over

And I am certain I have not been rude to anyone on this thread. Which is more than I can say for other's.

Name calling is not my thing.

I am sorry if people are offended (really?) but I was hoping for a discussion with like minded sensible people about an issue that has been upsetting me. Thankfully some people on here have been really constructive in giving me advice and helping me to see it from my friend's point of view.

Some people have even had the insight to realize that you cannot judge a person from one thread, there is more to their story and their personality.

And some people have accused me of doing and saying things that I haven't done.

[Balaboosta]

You aren't down! You've just got a job interview for a job you think you want! Now concentrate on preparing for that and leave your poor friend alone!

(And fgs don't go seeking her commiserations when you don't get it or her congratulations if you do.)

[Pumpkinpositive]

Some people have even had the insight to realize that you cannot judge a person from one thread, there is more to their story and their personality.

In fairness OP, this is one of only two threads associated with your user name. Not a lot to go on.

[ADishBestEatenCold]

"I am sorry if people are offended"

I'm not offended.

"I was hoping for a discussion with like minded sensible people about an issue that has been upsetting me"

'Like minded'? Do you mean that you only really wanted to discuss this with people that agreed with you? (real question).

You surely can't be that naive (or stubborn)?