AIBU to be pissed off at friend not helping me with job application?

[ProcrastinationIsMyMiddleName]

I have an interview for a very exciting new job.

When the job advert came up, I immediately emailed it to one of my close friends who actually did the job of my potential future boss, but when she applied for a promotion, she didn't get it and left the company.

She initially didn't respond to my email, and then when prompted, was extremely negative. She told me that I would hate the job, it's not what I want, and launched into a rant about how badly they treated her over the promotion.

I applied anyway, and I now have an interview. I wasn't going to mention it to the negative friend, since she had been so unsupportive. However, it then occurred to me that in having a friend who has actually done this job, I have a huge advantage over anyone else and I really should try and tap into her knowledge a bit more.

So I sent her a message on Facebook to tell her that I have an interview (hooray!) and told her I hoped she might be able to give me some pointers, and insider knowledge about the company etc.

I had no reply from her, despite seeing that she has since been active on Facebook. I know sometimes Facebook messaging isn't always the most reliable so I sent her an email yesterday. No reply.

I realize I might be a little insensitive here though, since my friend is clearly still feeling bitter about not getting the job promotion (18 months ago) and might not want reminding of it, and hearing about the lady who did get the job might sting a little. I should add though that she subsequently got a really good job, claimed she never really wanted the first job anyway, and really ought to be happy with her lot.

A bit of background on our friendship - we have been friends for 9 years, having worked together previously. We moved apart physically as I took another job and moved city, but we have always stayed in close contact. I saw her recently at a mutual friend's wedding, so it's not as if we are no longer close. Her career is progressing better than mine, so it's not as if she should be jealous of me at all.

So, do I persevere since she really could help me a lot and her insight will give me a huge advantage over the other applicants? (I should add that this job is a rare opportunity, and I really want it badly.)

Or do I give up on her, and accept that I might have been insensitive to have asked in the first place?

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

Gosh, no wonder she gets fed up.

OP: AIBU to keep on about this?

MN: Well, yeah. She told you what she thought. It gets annoying to repeat things.

OP: But I don't agree! Tell me again! Let me repeat myself!

MN: Uh ... still the same reply.

OP: BUT I WANT TO REPEAT MYSELF AGAIN BECAUSE I AM RIGHT.

Can you not see yourself doing this?

[ProcrastinationIsMyMiddleName]

Don't be disingenuous, OP. That's not all you've done

No, it really is all that I've done.

I saw the job advert and emailed it to her going "Aaargh, my dream job! Any advice"

She ignored it, so a few days later I sent her a facebook message asking if she had seen it and did she have any advice.

We had the conversation I wrote about above in which she was very negative, but she said 'go for it if you want to' kind of thing.

I sent her a new message when I heard I'd got an interview, because I thought she would be happy for me. And in that message, asked her for her advice. Then yesterday sent an email asking if she'd seen that message.

That is it.

[thegreatgatsby101]

You are being insensitive and can't take a hint.
Leave her be.
And don't rub it in her face if you get it either.

[shewhowines]

I think people are being a bit harsh. Very early on op agreed that she wouldn't contact her again. I'd be hurt and reassess the friendship too.

Good luck with the interview Op

[SelectAUserName]

She didn't get the job. Therefore she never did the day-to-day tasks the vacancy's boss now does - which could have changed beyond all recognition in the last 18 months anyway. Her knowledge is potentially out-of-date, limited and negatively biased. But you still seem to think she owes it to you to dredge up the bad memories of her time at the company and give you some sort of insider coaching?

You sound completely self-absorbed and insensitive. I read the OP half-expecting it to be a reverse AIBU. She isn't the one being a bad friend here. I suspect she has probably been doing a little "reassessing" of your friendship herself in the meantime.

The only contact you should be making is a message saying "I've just got a grip of myself and realised how insensitive I've been banging on about this job. I'm sorry to have gone on about it. Lunch next time is on me to make up for it."

[Littlefish]

So, you've sent her 4 messages, only one of which she's replied to.

Leave her alone.

She doesn't want to discuss it.

[BeverleyMoss]

In your own words:

It hurts when you finally see a friend for what she is.

I would take a guess that's exactly what she's thinking.

[ProcrastinationIsMyMiddleName]

Gosh, no wonder she gets fed up

OP: AIBU to keep on about this?

MN: Well, yeah. She told you what she thought. It gets annoying to repeat things.

OP: But I don't agree! Tell me again! Let me repeat myself!

MN: Uh ... still the same reply.

OP: BUT I WANT TO REPEAT MYSELF AGAIN BECAUSE I AM RIGHT.

Can you not see yourself doing this?

No, actually, I can't see myself doing this. I can see what I have written above, which you can also see. In case you can't see it, I'll repeat some of it below:

Me: You're right, I know

Me: Yes I probably was insensitive
Me: I won't contact her again though
Me: But I take everyone's point ,and I don't intend to contact her again

So LRD I really dont' think I've been asserting that I am right, and ignoring your advice. At all.

Everything else I have posted about has been to clarify that I really haven't been pestering her, I have only sent one message and one email.

I'm just sad that my friend isn't the friend I thought she was.

[WottaTheOdds]

You seem to have no compunction about dissing her on a public forum (deserved not to get the job etc).


You also seem to see nothing wrong in trying for a 'massive' advantage over the other candidates based on whom you know rather than what you have achieved yourself.

Hmmm....good luck

[PopiusTartius]

You said earlier "I didn't think one FB message and one email was pestering. Any more would be, I agree."

But you have sent 4 messages. Unless I have misunderstood everything you've written.

By your own definition, you're pestering. Let it go now, she doesn't want to be involved in this.

But.... good luck with the job.

[SarahBumBarer]

FWIW I totally understand why you contacted her and it was not to get insider gossip but to get real insight about the demands and challenges of the role and therefore assist you to demonstrate what you could bring to it. I would not think very highly of a candidate who did not do this if they had the opportunity same as I would think badly of a colleague who did not share reasonable client or Target knowledge that they had gained in previous employment.

However she does not want to help you with this which is fair enough. She does not have to! And now you have reassessed your friendship with her? Because she has some boundaries and is not at your beck and call? I don't think you are being very fair. Presumably when you helped her with her personal problems that did not require you to give more than you felt you were able to?

[ProcrastinationIsMyMiddleName]

Thank you shewhowines

[WottaTheOdds]

Yes OP you did say 'you're right I know' but then followed up with all these little gems

But she's a good friend (or at least I thought she was), I thought she would be pleased for me, and I have helped her out a LOT in the past on personal issues

I consider it a bit shit to be honest. I think she will probably reply eventually with some non-committal fluff, she won't ignore me forever

To be honest, she's the sort of person who, if she did help me, would throw that back in my face in a "don't forget who helped you get that job" kind of way - so it would be good to do it without her

Trouble is I could really use her help - I think there will be a lot of competition for this post, and I could have a massive advantage over anyone else knowing someone who has actually done this job


So when you said 'you're right' what you actuially meant is 'you are completely wrong*


This is one of the most entertaining threads I have read in a long time

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

'In case you can't see it, I'll repeat some of it below'

Oh my god.



Yes OP, carry on your own sweet way.

[HelloBoys]

YABU.

She doesn't want to help and hasn't done.

I actually think you're being quite insensitive knowing what you know (she left under a cloud, slagged off the company and ended on a bad note).

She probably KNOWS you think she's bitter about things generally and maybe just wants you to get this yourself and also (well to me) it's coming across as you're more out for yourself with this job than considering her feelings.

I'd be furious with you and not want to help.

[ProcrastinationIsMyMiddleName]

Sorry Popius I might have been unclear.

I sent one message to tell her about the vacancy.

I sent another to ask her if she could discuss it with me - which she replied to.

I sent one to tell her I had an interview - and I sent one more to follow up.

So, yes, I sent 4 messages. But only two about the latest issue - ie the fact that I had an interview and wanted to discuss it with her.

I'm not really counting the earlier messages, since they were just about discussing whether I should go for it or not. In actual fact I have sent her thousands of messages over our friendship, but I don't count the either.

But really, would people here not be upset if you emailed your friend to say "Oh my god, you know that dream job i applied for? I have an interview!!" and got no reply?

Really? Because no matter what I felt about the job, I would reply with a congratulations at the very least.

[HelloBoys]

PS - Pity your 'friend' doesn't read here eh? to know what you really think of her.

[HellonHeels]

Your "dream job" is in a company that, from her perspective, didn't treat her well, she left in unpleasant circumstances, perhaps she still carries a lot of hurt about what happened.

Your first message to her acknowledged none of that at all. I think it was a rather insensitive way to approach it from the off.

[deadduck]

Actually, I totally disagree with everyone. Your friend is a total bitch.
Don't get me wrong, if someone asked me about my opinion on a job that I left because of bad experiences, I'd tell them. And don't call me negative for that. But if the person still wants to apply, I'd help, for sure.

[HelloBoys]

oh c'mon OP you know the backstory.

Let's put it another way, if you'd been in her situation, acted/been treated as she has been then do you REALLY think you'd be all helpful and congratulatory about it?

and you're literally hammering her FB or whatever with messages! Couldn't you go for a coffee with her and discuss it. that's what my friends and I do, especially over stuff like this.

[ProcrastinationIsMyMiddleName]

Thank you too SarahBumBarer for your considered response. It makes a lot of sense to me.

WottatheOdds So when you said 'you're right' what you actuially meant is 'you are completely wrong

No, when I said 'You're right' - I meant 'You're right'.

I agree with you all who think I shouldn't contact her again. I have said that already. I agree that people think it might be insensitive. I have said that too.

Just in case you've missed it and decide to infer meaning from what I have written, I'll say again - I AGREE WITH YOU ALL!!!!!!

I know that a lot of posters use AIBU to ask a question then ignore the replies and insist they're not BU. But I'm really not doing that here. I agree with you all, I shouldn't contact her again.

But I am still upset with her. I won't ever tell her Im upset, and I won't ever let it be an issue. But I'm upset.

Can you honestly tell me you wouldn't feel the same?

[ProcrastinationIsMyMiddleName]

and you're literally hammering her FB or whatever with messages! Couldn't you go for a coffee with her and discuss it. that's what my friends and I do, especially over stuff like this.

I have sent ONE message to her FB and one real email. How is that 'literally hammering'??

Honestly I think people just read what they want to on here

[ProcrastinationIsMyMiddleName]

Thank you deadduck

[jacks365]

Yabu to be upset since you know the back story. In that situation I wouldn't even have mentioned it to someone it could potentially hurt and do my research elsewhere.

[SelectAUserName]

You have sent her four messages about essentially the same thing, which is a painful memory for her, three of them asking for something from her.

Has it ever occurred to you that she might feel you are being disloyal by wanting to join the company which, in her eyes, treated her badly?

Has it ever occurred to you that her heart is sinking at the thought of future conversations being a regular reminder to her of a time she'd rather forget, if you get the job?

Has it ever occurred to you that she anticipates you hearing things about her from her former colleagues that she would rather you didn't hear, and wondering what effect that might have on your friendship?

Has it ever occurred to you that this is putting her in an awkward and uncomfortable position?

It doesn't seem to have. It's all about you, you, you and your dream job, and how she should suck all that up, lead you by the hand through the interview and generally wave pom poms for you. And again, you're making HER out to be the bad friend here?