AIBU to be pissed off at friend not helping me with job application?

[ProcrastinationIsMyMiddleName]

I have an interview for a very exciting new job.

When the job advert came up, I immediately emailed it to one of my close friends who actually did the job of my potential future boss, but when she applied for a promotion, she didn't get it and left the company.

She initially didn't respond to my email, and then when prompted, was extremely negative. She told me that I would hate the job, it's not what I want, and launched into a rant about how badly they treated her over the promotion.

I applied anyway, and I now have an interview. I wasn't going to mention it to the negative friend, since she had been so unsupportive. However, it then occurred to me that in having a friend who has actually done this job, I have a huge advantage over anyone else and I really should try and tap into her knowledge a bit more.

So I sent her a message on Facebook to tell her that I have an interview (hooray!) and told her I hoped she might be able to give me some pointers, and insider knowledge about the company etc.

I had no reply from her, despite seeing that she has since been active on Facebook. I know sometimes Facebook messaging isn't always the most reliable so I sent her an email yesterday. No reply.

I realize I might be a little insensitive here though, since my friend is clearly still feeling bitter about not getting the job promotion (18 months ago) and might not want reminding of it, and hearing about the lady who did get the job might sting a little. I should add though that she subsequently got a really good job, claimed she never really wanted the first job anyway, and really ought to be happy with her lot.

A bit of background on our friendship - we have been friends for 9 years, having worked together previously. We moved apart physically as I took another job and moved city, but we have always stayed in close contact. I saw her recently at a mutual friend's wedding, so it's not as if we are no longer close. Her career is progressing better than mine, so it's not as if she should be jealous of me at all.

So, do I persevere since she really could help me a lot and her insight will give me a huge advantage over the other applicants? (I should add that this job is a rare opportunity, and I really want it badly.)

Or do I give up on her, and accept that I might have been insensitive to have asked in the first place?

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

It did make me wobble a lot in my decision on whether or not to apply, to be honest, but I felt that on balance this was an opportunity I couldn't miss and I would have to take my chances and make my own mind up about whether or not I'd be happy there.

In which case, much better that she stays out of it and lets you form your own ideas!

You sound really immature OP. Like a teenager who will only go to youth club, or football, or netball if their friend is doing it too.

[Littlefish]

I think she might think she has already helped you, and therefore, doesn't feel the need to discuss it further.

Good luck with the interview.

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

'I do believe that the person who got the job over her was the better candidate (clearly, since she got the job), and that my friend is better suited to the job she is doing now. She fits in well at the new company, and is happier. She is better suited to her new job.'

So, in addition to everything else, you think you're a better judge than she is of what the job required anyway? Seeing as how she feels bitter about how it turned out, but you feel you can tell that the other woman was a better fit for the promotion?

So what on earth are you expecting her to tell you?

[WottaTheOdds]

Select you are a very nice preceptive and intelligent person if I may say so

[SelectAUserName]

shewhowines But the friend may well feel that advising the OP not to go back to that company IS helping her! It may not be the exact form of help Procrastination was looking for, but it may be all the help the friend feels capable of offering under the circumstances.

In my book, friends are sensitive to each other's backstories and don't go crashing on insensitively like elephants through the undergrowth when they want something they think (rightly or wrongly) the other can give them even when it causes the other person pain or discomfort but hey, everyone's definitions of friendship is different.

[ADishBestEatenCold]

"I don't think I'm a bad friend for thinking what an interview panel of 5 other people clearly also thought"

You're certainly not coming across as a good friend. Do you see that? At all?

[SlightlyDampWellies]

How long ago did you work for the company OP?

[SelectAUserName]

Thank you Wotta, that's a very kind thing to say.

[peachactiviaminge]

OP you are being a self cantered twat. Just drop it. You're both in the wrong, move on pretend it never happened and hope she does the same.

[ProcrastinationIsMyMiddleName]

Thanks Select would you mind repeating the advice on what I ought to email to her, I can't find it when I scroll back.

When I talk about re-evaluating our friendship I mean that I see her in a different light now. I think that might also be because some of my other friends - who admittedly didn't have the experience she had - have been so helpful in their advice, and that has thrown her response into sharp contrast.

Of course the other possibility which you don't seem to have considered, is that perhaps someone else she knows is also applying and she's already agreed to help them? Yes that has occurred to me. I did ask her whether she knew of anyone else likely to go for the job, but she didnt respond. So yes, it is possible.

Can't you get the job on your own merits and without her insight - it really appears that you can't do that - thanks for the vote of confidence.

Hopefully I can get the job on my own merits - let me be clear here, I have absolutely not asked her to put in a good word for me, get a foot in the door or anything like that. I simply asked if she wouldn't mind running through some of the tasks that I'm likely to be doing so that I would know where to start on my preparation. I really don't think that's an unreasonable thing to ask someone who has done the job previously.

Can I also add that the shoe was on the other foot not so long ago - when we both worked for said company, I was there before her, but doing a job that was quite different. Her job came up, and to be honest my heart sank because it is my dream job, but I wasn't qualified for it at the time. She naturally asked me for lots of pointers and I helped her as much as I possibly could. She knew that she was doing my dream job and how much it hurt me that I wasn't yet qualified- through my own life choices, not her fault at all of course. But I helped her as much as I could and was happy for her to get the jo

[ProcrastinationIsMyMiddleName]

SlightlyDamp it was about 2 years ago.

[MaskedInvader]

I'd agree with the others who have suggested that she thought she was helping you by telling you that she didn't think you would want to work there.

FWIW, the one time I've been warned off a company, the person doing the warning was fully justified and I wished I'd listened to them.

[ProcrastinationIsMyMiddleName]

Having re -read my original email to her, I think I was insensitive given the possibility that she may still be upset about the post.

Thank you for helping me see that.

However, I wasn't really aware that she still felt like that at the beginning, given how long ago it was, and how great her new job is. But lesson learned there.

I just really thought that as a friend she would say "Wow, great you've got an interview" and be happy to help.

I would do that for my friend? Wouldnt you????

[ProcrastinationIsMyMiddleName]

I'd agree with the others who have suggested that she thought she was helping you by telling you that she didn't think you would want to work there. yes I think you're right.

And I insisted I was going to apply anyway - which may have annoyed her.

[ProcrastinationIsMyMiddleName]

Funny how, now that this has settled into a reasonable discussion about my friend's feelings - all the flame throwers from the beginning of the thread have disappeared

Are you disappointed that I actually can see reason? Or have you re-read my point that I made that I actually agreed with many posters pretty early on in the thread - but that doesn't sit right with your opinion of me so you've gone off in a huff?

What the hell is the point of AIBU if you can't post about an issue that you're having, and have a reasonable discussion about your feelings? Of course I thought I was right, I wouldn't have posted otherwise. Is it so wrong that I want to defend my viewpoint?

[MaidOfStars]

I do believe that the person who got the job over her was the better candidate

Have you considered the possibility that she doesn't think you're suitable for the role you are applying for and is trying to put you off/not get your hopes up.

[TheToysAreALIVEITellThee]

Just urgh

You asked a good friend for help in getting a job in a company that treated her awfully, whether its just her perception or the reality.

Have some decorum FGS and get the job on your own bloody merit.

[ProcrastinationIsMyMiddleName]

For what it's worth this is what I plan to do

I won't contact her about it again if I don't hear from her.

If she gets back to my last email, I will acknowledge that I was insensitive in asking for her help when she might still feel upset about it, and I will apologize to her for that.

If I get the job, I will of course tell her, but I won't talk to her about it beyond that.

[Balaboosta]

I think you are motivated by trying to succeed where your friend has failed.
You haven't answered the question - why should she be happy for you?
She might even be worried about you, that you will have a bad time like she did.
In which case that would make her an excellent friend - but you are too controlling to see that. Unless she is friend to you in exactly the way you want her to be, then you will question your friendship. To her I would say - LTB!

[ProcrastinationIsMyMiddleName]

Have you considered the possibility that she doesn't think you're suitable for the role you are applying for and is trying to put you off/not get your hopes up.

Yes, this has occurred to me, and may very well be true. Especially if she also knows of others who are applying and might know that they're better qualified.

[Balaboosta]

Oops that was supposed to be why not why...

[Balaboosta]

And she has helped you! She's already told you what she thinks!

[ProcrastinationIsMyMiddleName]

You haven't answered the question - why should she be happy for you? - Sorry, I must have missed that question.

Why should she be happy for me? Isn't that what friends do? I'd be happy for her if she got an interview for a job she really wanted. I'm quite baffled that anyone would feel otherwise.

[Pumpkinpositive]

YABU. Talk about rubbing someone's face in it.

[ProcrastinationIsMyMiddleName]

Have some decorum FGS and get the job on your own bloody merit

Once again, I must reiterate I have not asked her in any way to pull strings or help me get the job. I simply asked her a few key questions about the job to help me prepare myself.

Once more, someone is reading AIBU and deciding I simply must be, without actually reading what I have written.

You might as well hate me for the bit where I said I kick dogs too which I never wrote either, but go on berate me for it anyway