AIBU to be pissed off at friend not helping me with job application?

[ProcrastinationIsMyMiddleName]

I have an interview for a very exciting new job.

When the job advert came up, I immediately emailed it to one of my close friends who actually did the job of my potential future boss, but when she applied for a promotion, she didn't get it and left the company.

She initially didn't respond to my email, and then when prompted, was extremely negative. She told me that I would hate the job, it's not what I want, and launched into a rant about how badly they treated her over the promotion.

I applied anyway, and I now have an interview. I wasn't going to mention it to the negative friend, since she had been so unsupportive. However, it then occurred to me that in having a friend who has actually done this job, I have a huge advantage over anyone else and I really should try and tap into her knowledge a bit more.

So I sent her a message on Facebook to tell her that I have an interview (hooray!) and told her I hoped she might be able to give me some pointers, and insider knowledge about the company etc.

I had no reply from her, despite seeing that she has since been active on Facebook. I know sometimes Facebook messaging isn't always the most reliable so I sent her an email yesterday. No reply.

I realize I might be a little insensitive here though, since my friend is clearly still feeling bitter about not getting the job promotion (18 months ago) and might not want reminding of it, and hearing about the lady who did get the job might sting a little. I should add though that she subsequently got a really good job, claimed she never really wanted the first job anyway, and really ought to be happy with her lot.

A bit of background on our friendship - we have been friends for 9 years, having worked together previously. We moved apart physically as I took another job and moved city, but we have always stayed in close contact. I saw her recently at a mutual friend's wedding, so it's not as if we are no longer close. Her career is progressing better than mine, so it's not as if she should be jealous of me at all.

So, do I persevere since she really could help me a lot and her insight will give me a huge advantage over the other applicants? (I should add that this job is a rare opportunity, and I really want it badly.)

Or do I give up on her, and accept that I might have been insensitive to have asked in the first place?

[scarletforya]

You just want what you want from her, you don't seem to care that she doesn't want to give it. Now you're sulking and to punish her you're going to withdraw your 'friendship'. Are you going to go around now bad mouthing her like you are on here?

she wouldn't help me when I needed her boo hoo poor me
she's jealous and bitter
Etc etc

Give over with the emotional blackmail.

You're coming across as a bit of a user Op. Maybe she's had enough?

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

OP I have an interview tip for you.

Listen to what the interviewers are saying, and respond to it appropriately.

I think it is really odd expecting a friend to help you with a job application in this way. Also she may feel that having not got the internal promotion, that she doesn't really know what that company are looking for. The last thing she wants to do is give you pointers, you not get the job and end up blaming her.

[chicaguapa]

Hmmm! There really are two sides of a story.

I can see that you are disappointed that she's not happy for you. But she might be disappointed that you've not been supportive of her bad experience with the company. By applying to work there, you have dismissed how it made her feel to be treated that way by them.

You asked her if you should apply and for her thoughts on this. And then completely dismissed them. She's probably feeling a bit pissed off too. You might find that she's reassessing your friendship at the same time.

If you want to stay friends, I'd suggest you both thrash it out together and clear the air.

[ProcrastinationIsMyMiddleName]

Your "dream job" is in a company that, from her perspective, didn't treat her well, she left in unpleasant circumstances, perhaps she still carries a lot of hurt about what happened.

Actually I have already worked for the same company. And I know exactly what happened - she applied for a promotion and didn't get it. That is all. They didn't handle it very well, but they didn't treat her badly.

Your first message to her acknowledged none of that at all - how do you know what my first message said? I have talked to her extensively about her experiences at the company, and I sympathise with her. I acknowledged all of that when she started ranting about it in our recent conversation.

My take on this is that she is clearly bitter about her experience there, and maybe this has raked it up for her again. She has decided not to be happy for me, and has decided not to help me.

I'm upset that she isn't happy for me. That is all

[ChasedByBees]

Maybe she has her own stuff going on? You sound massively insensitive and not a great friend yourself to be honest.

[SelectAUserName]

Ah, so if you've already worked there then you will have plenty of other contacts you can use for your pre-interview research, and you can leave this poor friend alone!

[peggyundercrackers]

Im surprised shes a friend of your at all. you want help and info from her but are happy to come on here and slag her off by saying

"She also doesn't come across very well, despite being quite capable of the job. If I'm honest, I think it was right that she didn't get the promotion, the woman who did get it is more suitable."

let me think now why would anyone be friends or want to help someone who thinks that of them? why would you want help from someone who wasnt right for the job? your full of shit and self absorbed!

[scarletforya]

Supersoaker all over again!

[shewhowines]

select why didn't the friend say all that then, instead of ignoring her. Yes, she might have good reasons not to help her, but at the very least a good friend should communicate that.

[SelectAUserName]

Because if I, a complete stranger on the Internet, can immediately think of at least four reasons why she might not want to help, she might be royally pissed off that her so-called close friend couldn't also think of them and have the sensitivity not to keep bashing away like a moth at a lightbulb?

[ProcrastinationIsMyMiddleName]

Thank you SelectaUserName your post gives me lots of food for thought.

Yes she might worry that it would rake up bad feelings for her, and yes she might worry what I may hear from her former colleagues. And yes she might feel uncomfortable about this.

I have talked to her extensively about her experiences there, including during this latest conversation. I am sympathetic, but also realistic about the way things are - she didn't get the job, she got a different job, claims she hated the company anyway, and is happy in her secure job.

While I sympathise with what happened to her, I've told her that this sort of thing happens all the time, I have seen it happen to lots of other people (being passed up for promotion when you think you deserve the job), and she needs to chalk it down to experience and not let it bother her too much.

But you're right, this opportunity may have raked up bad feelings for her and I ought to have been more sensitive.

However, I also feel that it would have been insensitive for me to have applied for the job without talking to her about it. I value her input and I wanted her to know what was going on.

[nennypops]

I don't actually see why you say she is being unhelpful and you have to re-evaluate your friendship. You asked her about the job, she told you you'd hate it. Advising someone against taking a job with potentially bad employers is being helpful, isn't it? And it's not that surprising that she hasn't replied subsequently, given that you've made it clear that you are ignoring her advice anyway.

I thought about this in the context of a company I left on fairly bad terms a few years ago. I would not have encouraged any of my friends to go and work there because they were cr*p employers. Also, to be frank, if said friends were likely to be any good at the job I still wouldn't have encouraged them because I wouldn't want to do my ex employers any favours. Therefore in your friend's position I would have given very similar advice.

(Postscript: after I left crap company the department I was in collapsed anyway because so many other people left. So I would have been right to tell friends not to touch it with a bargepole).

[ADishBestEatenCold]

"AIBU to be pissed off at friend not helping me with job application?"

Basing my opinion on both your reiteration of the circumstances and on responses to other posters here, I would have to say yes, I do think you are being very unreasonable to be pissed off at friend not helping me with job application?

It would seem from things you have said (for example, "I'm just sad that my friend isn't the friend I thought she was" ) that, for you, this will bring an end to your friendship with her (at least at it's present level).

That may or may not be your loss (I have no idea how much or little she means to you).

Whether she knows it or not, I don't think it will be her loss, because you really don't seem to have much regard for her anyway.

Never the less, good luck with your interview, I do actually hope it leads you into your dream job.

[Pigsmummy]

YABU and insensitive.

[ProcrastinationIsMyMiddleName]

Thanks Peggy

She also doesn't come across very well, despite being quite capable of the job. If I'm honest, I think it was right that she didn't get the promotion, the woman who did get it is more suitable.

I stand by that. I can be friends with someone whilst still believing they're not right for a certain job. I love my DH, but if he applied to be a teacher, or an opera singer, I wouldn't think he was right for that either!

I do believe that the person who got the job over her was the better candidate (clearly, since she got the job), and that my friend is better suited to the job she is doing now. She fits in well at the new company, and is happier. She is better suited to her new job.

I don't think I'm a bad friend for thinking what an interview panel of 5 other people clearly also thought. I would never say that to her though, of course.

[WallyBantersJunkBox]

YABU

[scarletforya]

However, I also feel that it would have been insensitive for me to have applied for the job without talking to her about it. I value her input and I wanted her to know what was going on

Oh pull the other one OP! You hadn't given her state of mind a seconds thought before you came onto this thread, now you're trying to say you only pestered told her about it as a courtesy to her?

You're in denial.

[SelectAUserName]

OP, I think if you'd worded your initial message to her something like. "I've just seen my dream job advertised - but it's X position at Y company. What are the chances, eh? I think I'm going to apply, it's too good an opportunity to pass up. I know it's probably a sensitive topic for you; IF you felt able to give me some insider info I'd be eternally grateful, but I'll understand if not" and then stood by that, there wouldn't have been a problem and we probably wouldn't be discussing it on this thread as there would have been no need for the thread!

You weren't BU to tell her about it or ask for any input she felt comfortable giving. You've crossed the line in pestering her, being insensitive to her feelings about her experience (even if privately you think she's over-reacted or whatever - they're still her feelings and valid to her) and then talking about reevaluating the friendship when she didn't give you exactly what you wanted despite you knowing the remains why she felt she couldn't.

But hopefully you seem to be getting that now. Seriously, send her the message I suggested in my earlier post - you still have the chance to build some bridges with her if you accept you're the one in the wrong here, not her.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

Of course the other possibility which you don't seem to have considered, is that perhaps someone else she knows is also applying and she's already agreed to help them?

[SelectAUserName]

reasons not remains

[HelloBoys]

Procrastination - yes I I thought you'd sent her 4 messages? maybe I've misread that here.

No I wouldn't be the same as you because I wouldn't EXPECT my friend whom I knew had had a bad experience to just help me to get the job.

I think I can't remember many years ago I may have asked a friend/s for advice/foot in the door - sometimes they help, sometimes they don't but I don't generally do this. And yes, maybe I would be a tiny bit peeved if I didn't get the desired response but certainly not as upset as you're being. and it would soon pass.

Why are you so upset? Can't you get the job on your own merits and without her insight - it really appears that you can't do that.

[ProcrastinationIsMyMiddleName]

Thanks nennypops you make a good point there.

However, I have worked for this company before, so I know they aren't bad per se. They didn't promote her. They handled it badly. But they're not a bad company.

But yes, she may feel that by warning me against the job, she has done her best, and might feel that I would be unhappy there. I see what you mean.

It did make me wobble a lot in my decision on whether or not to apply, to be honest, but I felt that on balance this was an opportunity I couldn't miss and I would have to take my chances and make my own mind up about whether or not I'd be happy there.

[HelloBoys]

Select says:-

You have sent her four messages about essentially the same thing, which is a painful memory for her, three of them asking for something from her.

I've put in bold the number of messages, just so you can see.

[shewhowines]

I help my friends and they help me. That's what friends do, in my book.

If I'd had a bad experience I may well advise caution, but I would still help my friend if I cared about them.

[Chippednailvarnish]

I am sympathetic

Bloody hell, going by this thread I'd hate to see how you behave when you're not sympathetic.