To be upset re having to tell MIL I'm pregnant before we tell my parents?

[Orlea]

I'm about 8/9 weeks along, haven't had first midwife appt yet (tomorrow), let alone first scan (two weeks away). I've posted before about DH wanting to tell his mum I'm pregnant almost as soon as we found out and me not wanting to tell anyone at all, including my parents, til I was a good bit further along. We wanted to tell both sets of parents face to face rather than phone, and are going to tell them to keep it quiet until after the first scan.

I would rather have kept it quiet all round til the scan, i.e. another two weeks, but as my parents live a long way off and we're only going to see them this weekend and won't see them for another month or two after that, we're telling them then, i.e. Friday night. We agreed that we'd tell MIL at 'about' the same time, and more specifically agreed, without me twisting DH's arm or anything, that we'd tell my parents first for various reasons (not least because I'm the one who's all overly emotional and hormonal and needy pregnant, not him, and I want to tell my parents first as they are more important to me than MIL, who is lovely, but we aren't close). If it were at all possible to tell them at exactly the same time, we would have, but it's logistically impossible.

So I am upset as DH has just arranged (as in, in the last half hour) for MIL to visit tomorrow night, which means she will be told before we see my parents (DH's words: Mum's coming to stay tomorrow night so we can tell her then). This is #1, I'm nervous, scared, worried etc, and feel like DH has deliberately arranged MIL to visit before we see my parents, just to get in there first...

I'm struggling to articulate how I feel more clearly than just 'upset' - slightly cheated, slightly side-lined (both myself and for my parents), jealous as MIL always gets preferential treatment (not her fault for the most part), like DH is stealing the thunder of telling my parents by getting in first with MIL... It does feel like DH is trying to 'win' by getting in first. I know I'm probably overreacting but it is important to me and I am quite upset. AIBU or just hormonal and therefore U (and if so will it stop? Please?!)? Honestly, if I could stop feeling like this about something that probably isn't a huge deal and get over myself, I would, but I'm struggling! I've been quite up and down this week anyway but feeling really upset at this right now, and probably blowing it out of all proportion, but... Should perhaps point out that as MIL lives a lot nearer and is a lot younger, she will be much more involved and sees us a lot more often anyway, so if there was a time to put my parents first, this could have been it.

So AIBU to be upset about having to tell MIL first, and/or pissed off and upset that DH has engineered things to happen this way? And if IABU, please tell me how I can stop feeling like this!

Ballinacup you're right that's a terrible analogy. The difference is announcing a pregnancy should be a happy time, it's something two people have (in this case) chosen to do together, creating a life that will be part of a bigger family. Cancer just rocks up and happens to you and is totally devastating, that's the pretty massive difference.

I know that's not a great analogy as birth is amazing and cancer is devastating, but it would be his body and his decision. How is pregnancy any different?

Perhaps because it is his baby too?

YABU.

I think you are over reacting slightly - what does it matter whose parents know first?

I had wanted to tell my parents face to face but unfortunately the car broke down on the way so instead I just phoned them - it really wasn't an issue. The AA man then rescued me and DH, took us home where my PIL came round so we could tell them face to face.

Your partners parents are just as important in this scenario as yours are. Yes, you are the one that's pregnant, but that doesn't mean his parents automatically come 2nd best to yours. I really don't understand the logic. Both sets of parents are equally the baby's grandparents.

You need to chill out, smile, relax and don't let such a minor issue ruin what should be a brilliant and exciting time!!!

I imagine op's womb currently has a fetus in it partly thanks to her dp's penis and testicles.

I believe a woman should get to make choices regarding there own body whilst pregnant, who get informed about the pregnancy first does not effect the op's body so in my opinion shouldn't dictated by her preference.

Op doesn't it matter to you that we all know you are pregnant before either your parents or mil?

Seriously, don't tell anyone till after the scan.

My impression is that you're seriously over-thinking the whole business.

I just hope you get the reaction you're after from both sets of parents after building it up in your head....

Hope it goes as you wish.

Erm popandfresh I think it's exactly that chromosome difference which means that he doesn't have a womb. You say potato, and I say penis.

I believe a woman should get to make choices regarding there own body whilst pregnant, who get informed about the pregnancy first does not effect the op's body so in my opinion shouldn't dictated by her preferences

I have three boys and I'm not the least bit worried.

I don't think you are being unreasonable - you already compromised about when to tell people, you made an agreement and your DH is changing it without talking to you first. He is behaving weirdly in pushing this issue.

Separate out your feelings about your DH and your feelings about your parents. Talk to your DH and make sure he knows you are upset because you had agreed something, he knew it was important to you and he changed it without talking to you first. Tell him you feel like you are being treated like an incubator and that it is hard for you to lose control over your body and that these things matter more to you (even if only because of your hormones!).

You feel sad that your parents won't be involved as much as you'd like. Maybe you could think of ways to involve them more or special things to do with your Mum during the pregnancy, for example? E.g. picking out x, y, z baby items, a day looking through photos of when you were a baby and talking about when you were born and her pregnancy with you. You could plan in their visits post-birth and set a number of times you want to see them. I live abroad and am pregnant and I skype my Mum a lot so I feel like she is really involved. Get your parents an Ipad and show them how to use skype - sometimes my parents set it up during dinner time so I can chat with them as if I am there. It makes a huge difference to me.

IMO this isn't about your MiL - try not to let it become about her. You like her and want to see her. More contact with her doesn't "take" from your parents and the relationship you have with her sounds really nice and supportive. Focus on getting quality time with your parents and talk to your DH about not making this a competition about whose parents "win" because that actually will damage your relationship with his mum.

OP leaving aside the rights and wrongs of who has most 'rights' (??!), and thinking practically, could you say to your DH 'look I'm a bit pissed off about this. Seeing as your parents are clearly going to get to see the baby first can my parents just have this 'first' instead and be told I'm pregnant before your mum? He'd be a bit unreasonable to want his mum and dad to do EVERYTHING first. Since you don't mind who the first visitor is and who comes to hospital I would 'generously' offer that up instead as a negotiating tool! I'm with you by the way. Unreasonable or not I would want my parents to know first, particularly my mum. It's an important 'mother daughter' thing to me. I can see its a bit unfair, but I understand why you feel that way. Sounds like you're willing to 'give' on other fronts though so am sure will be fine.

So, what are you going to say to your DH?

I think YABu sorry. I don't understand why you're parents are any different to his or even why it matters.

I think I must be on a different planet because this is not the kind of thing that would ever cross my mind to be upset or stressed about ever.

You're pregnant and at some point (stick to the first agreed date) you're going to tell both sets of parents. Unless you tell them at the exact same time one set is going to know before the other, does it matter? It won't take any kind of shine off their excitement or yours.

Don't sweat the small stuff, enjoy your baby.

Congratulations by the way.

I do think you're being a bit unreasonable, possibly down to hormones, possibly not.

When you got engaged, who did you decide to tell first?

It doesn't really matter who is told first, they're both going to find out anyway. Why don't you just not tell them both until after the scan, then each of you call your parents at the same time. Save all this unnecessary agro.

Who will you tell first when the baby is born?

I'd feel the same op. Possibly a bit irrational but I don't think yabu.

wow some blithe responses here, I think op has made it clear why she feels she wants to tell her parents first!

Congratulations of your pregnancy.

Do you feel like your dh squeezed this visit in so that your mil would hear about it first? If that is the case, then he might have introduced an element of competitiveness or he may be considering your mil's feelings before yours?

However, in the nicest possible way, you are probably bu.

Your mil will be your family as well now and there shouldn't be any competition between who gets to hear the news, sees the baby first etc.

This sounds like ever so slightly being pfb. Have a and a and look forward to breaking the amazing news to all future grandparents.

Op if this is something that really bothers you then be prepared to pick your battles. You may win this one, but in the future you'll have to give in, be careful because when push comes to shove you may care about that issue more. This is a lovely time and its not a time to feel stressed out and anxious. I'm just behind you in number of weeks pregnant and am already realising that my body is not completely my own and that my baby will make room for itself and my pelvis bones will do what ever the hell they want. I hope you find a solution which suits you both.

I don't understand all the posters saying 'this doesn't matter' or 'this is a non-issue'. Clearly if it didn't matter to the OP, she wouldn't be so upset.

It may not matter to you, but it matters to her and her DH. Why would you belittle someone's feelings like that? I see this a lot on MN.

Just read the rest of the thread.

"because DH refused to tell his mum on the phone if we were telling my parents face to face as that wouldn't be fair on his mum..."

Hmmm.... I get the feeling (ever so slightly) that your dp may be a bit of a 'mummy's boy and needs to learn to put his new family first?

I think YABU.

The problem with building the announcement into a Big Thing is that you run the risk of everyone else thinking it's a Big Thing too, and then you may find that people do start taking umbrage about other people getting Big Thing priority treatment.

I have complete sympathy with you wanting to wait until 12 weeks, and it's a shame you couldn't agree on that, but ultimately there are 2 people who are going to become parents, and they both have a right to negotiate that however they can.

But you have now agreed to tell both sets of parents, and you've insisted that your parents find out first because they're more important, which has involved your local MIL being actively not told so that your parents can take priority. If you're going to tell people, I think the only thing to do is just crack on and tell them at the first convenient opportunity, otherwise you create a situation where someone is going to be aware that someone else has been treated preferentially at their expense.

It's creating a potential resentment where there didn't need to be one at all. If your MIL is told after your parents, it will be quite clear that the timings have been chosen for a particular reason, given that you see more of her. It would be quite understandable for her to think that she's been 'downgraded' and be upset about it. If you just tell everyone when you see them, you may avoid a lot of that analysing and upset.

The big thing is that you're having a baby and that they're going to be grandparents. You are running the risk of detracting from that by trying to manipulate the manner of telling them.

Well you know what.. his testicles as fabulous as they were at getting the OP pregnant.. still have fuck all to do with a woman's right to privacy. WHich is enshrined in law and she legally could not tell her husband about it. Neither could her doctor. Thank fuck that a man's "rights" end the day he pulls out. Because it is scary to me how many people just see a woman as some man's incubator for his precious fetus.

When I first read this - I thought who really gives a shit, it's a big fuss over nothing but actually having read your updates it does sound if your DH is being a little bit of a dick over this.
Your parents are coming so he's getting his Mum round first. He won't tell his Mum on the phone as you are getting to tell your parents (who you see only twice a year) face to face. His mum will be far more involved than your parents due to location and yet he is still doing this. I would be cross too. It's like he's a petulant child shouting 'It's my babeee too'.
What about if he went round to his Mum and told her when you are telling your parents if he wants to be an arse about it.
At that stage of pregnancy I would probably have battered DH if he hadn't let me have my way because I was feeling so crap physically and emotionally.