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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that even if you're a student you bring something to a party

45 replies

peeveddoesntcoverit · 25/02/2014 11:30

I hosted a little party this weekend. I provided lots of food and sweet things, but didn't go overboard on the wine (probably had about a bottle and a half per person). I assumed everyone would bring some.
However, 3 out of the 8 turned up with nothing. And they're all heavy drinkers so by the end of the night, we completely ran out of white wine and I had to say this to people. Which was obviously embarrassing. One is notoriously clueless about social occasions, but the other is my sister.
I was on the phone to my mum and mentioned I thought it was a bit rubbish of her (especially because I picked her up, did her breakfast the next day) but she said "oh well, it's probably because she's a student and can't afford it".
I'm not asking for a £30 bottle of champagne, but even a cheapy bottle of wine would have been OK. Anything!
AIBU to think she's being a tight wad? She's a mature student btw, so not like she's too young to know to bring something.

OP posts:
angelos02 · 25/02/2014 11:50

YANBU. I wouldn't dream of showing up to a party empty-handed. I wouldn't go if I couldn't stretch to a bottle of wine for a fiver.

Original poster
peeveddoesntcoverit · 25/02/2014 11:56

Phew, someone agrees with me.

OP posts:
dashoflime · 25/02/2014 11:56

If someone was genuinely too skint (as in had completely run out of cash) I would rather have their company than have them stay away out of embarrassment.

But yes, ordinarily, its polite to bring a bottle. 3 people out of 8 is an unfortunate level of attrition!

Not sure why you felt embarrassed though. I would have waited until 10.30, then announced "Oh dear, we seem to be running low on booze. And the off-licence will be closing soon. Someone had better go and get some, if we want to keep drinking"

That would have shamed one of the 3 into coughing up surely

Original poster
peeveddoesntcoverit · 25/02/2014 12:00

That's true dashoflime, I'd much prefer company to wine. I think that's why I didn't really feel I could shame them into going to the offy. And I definitely wasn't hosting a party to see what I could get back out of it.
I think I'm just annoyed as my sister is using the student excuse to get out of a lot of things recently.

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 25/02/2014 12:01

When I was a student of course you took booze to a student party and guarded it with your life all night or else there wouldn't have been any. But when its your sister and you're skint I might have assumed it would be covered in the same sort of way that you don't buy food when you're at your mums?

DaenerysTargaryensDragonBaby · 25/02/2014 12:03

You never go to a party empty handed. Regardless of your income.

If you are that skint, buy a bottle of £3 wine.

Student is a ridiculous excuse.

YANBU.

dashoflime · 25/02/2014 12:07

peeved But isn't it your Mum that's offering up the student excuse, not your sister?

FudgefaceMcZ · 25/02/2014 12:07

Did you tell people to bring something? I hate how people don't communicate and then expect everyone to follow their invisible rule book, it's very stressful and makes you not want to socialise at all. I went to work colleague's birthday thing this weekend and he'd said people could bring something, I email rsvpd and he said don't worry, but then I took some fizzy juice and crisps anyway because I panicked that maybe people just say that then would be all posting on internets about appalling etiquette if someone really didn't bring anything. I now wish I'd stayed home and watched telly.

If you said bring a bottle though then she could at least have bought cheap coke or something.

Original poster
peeveddoesntcoverit · 25/02/2014 12:11

That's true actually, but I know that will be my sister's excuse as well. My mum is really tight as well, never takes wine to parties either and never leaves a tip etc.
My sister has always been tight as well, but since becoming a student has wheeled it out at every opportunity. Every time she visits we pay for her taxis (or give her a lift) and pay for meals out or cook something. She never brings anything. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
peeveddoesntcoverit · 25/02/2014 12:13

Do you need to tell people to bring something? I'd always take a bottle, or something like biscuits or something even if just going round for a cup of tea.

OP posts:
angelos02 · 25/02/2014 12:20

It is just an unwritten social norm to take something to a party.

AngelaDaviesHair · 25/02/2014 13:25

Don't let her get away with it.
Next time, tell her you won't pay for a taxi and ask her to bring food. Tight people are usually pretty brazen, you have to out-brazen them.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 25/02/2014 14:05

I'd have thought students ought to be more used to turning up with wine to a party. You'd be pretty unpopular if you didn't!

Financeprincess · 25/02/2014 15:50

You shouldn't need to tell people to bring something to a party. As others have noted, it's an unwritten rule.

Nor is it a choice between the person's company and drink; it's not either or! Nobody would say, "you can't come unless you bring a bottle". You just bring one anyway!

Your sister is taking the mick. Stand up to her.

I agree that you have to out-brazen tightwads. They are usually shameless and rely on people being too polite to challenge them. I knew a tightwad who never stood her round, so when it was her turn the rest of us would sit with our empty glasses saying, "we're thirsty and you need to get a round in".

gorionine · 25/02/2014 15:56

Sorry, ignoramus here,Grin
You never go to a party empty handed. Regardless of your income. does it HAVE to be alcoholic drink you bring?

SometimesLonely · 25/02/2014 16:14

gorionine
It doesn't have to be alcoholic drink but if you take nothing at all then it means you are drinking other people's contributions. In other words, you are a 'taker'. We have parties and one or two guests bring their own non- or low-alcoholic drinks. No one else drinks them but there's usually plenty of other stuff. We usually take a bottle of wine (each) and something else eg a box of orange juice as well as a gift.

lurkerspeaks · 25/02/2014 16:27

Goodness. In my social circle the following is the norm.

You always take a gift when going to someone's house (old fashioned name but a "hostess" gift). This can be flowers, wine, nice biscuits or something else totally random.

If asked you should also contribute to the event eg. desert etc. Some people will bring food even if unasked (eg. one of my friends virtually always brings crisps!)

TBH I wouldn't askpeople to bring booze/ a non alcoholic drink to a party I would assume if they were drinkers they would know to bring something.

When hosting parties I always start with a baseline level of booze (sometimes quite a bit less than 1 bottle of wine / person) and soft drinks and would expect guests contributions to top the rest up. If it is a dinner party I will usually have bought wine to go with the food so will stash the guests contributions for later drinking. I know this is often a Mumsnet no-no but I make an effort to buy appropriate wine for the menu.

You should also NEVER take the alcohol you brought with you home afterwards. If you do it here I judge!

Sometimesbrunette · 25/02/2014 16:30

Absolutely you should. However I have had people do this to us on a regular basis.

systemsmalfunction · 25/02/2014 16:31

If a guest plans to drink, they should bring a bottle. Non drinkers can bring alcohol free stuff or foodie stuff

systemsmalfunction · 25/02/2014 16:33

I also estimate the amount we might drink - so if between DH and I we might drink two bottles, that's what I'll bring

RiverTam · 25/02/2014 16:37

YANBU but if we're having people over we'll get in extra ourselves, running out is a bore.

student schmudent, I thought supermarkets were meant to be awash with cheap booze these days!

saulaboutme · 25/02/2014 16:39

I think you know when someone is being a tight wad or is genuinely skint.

Next time tell her it's bring a bottle. If I'm skint I don't go. If I can stretch to a bottle it 3 then great! If someone tells me they can't make it as can't buy a bottle I say come anyway.
I take exception to people who blatantly take advantage of good nature and never bring a bottle but want to hang around and get pissed. I've posted before about dhs friend doing this. I really told him one day and funny we don't see much of him anymore...it his cheapskate, freeloading girlfriend..

LaurieFairyCake · 25/02/2014 16:40

You never go to a party without a gift for the householder - not alcohol unless very good alcohol like champs

You never throw a party unless you have enough drink to last a week. I would be mortified to run out of drink - I buy enough so that there's a months worth of leftovers.

Ragwort · 25/02/2014 16:41

If you know your sister is a real cheapskate why didn't you specifically ask her to bring a bottle.

I had the opposite experience recently, we were all invited round to someone's house 'for a drink'; DH and I went home and got a couple of bottles, when we arrived it was clear that it was just coffee and cakes Blush.

DarlingGrace · 25/02/2014 16:43

If it is true that you never go empty handed .... and the three people who 'probably couldn't afford it' didnt go because of gift giving embarrassment, it wouldnt be much of a party with 5 people would it?

Really the host should provide adequate refreshments unless it stipulates 'bring a bottle' otherwise you risk being inundated with flowers or chocolates.

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