Aibu to think that I just won't allow him to?

[Dollslikeyouandme]

Kids on Facebook/Twitter etc.

Luckily ds is 5 so I don't have to worry for a few years yet.

But when the

I think saying 'hahaha, you're wrong hth', and 'good luck with that' is pretty obnoxious.

oh yes the WHY DO YOU NEED TO PHONE THEM thing

it isn't obnoxious it is tongue in cheek sarcastic take that as obnoxious if you like but..

To be fair, lots of 30+ people are clueless about internet safety.

Do you? I think it's worse to ask a question, be unanimously told that you are wrong and then insist that your way is best is worse tbh. But each to their own, except your son who doesn't get a say apparently.

FB is fine as long as you as a parent have the logins and can check what dc is messaging friends and non friends etc. You have to show trust to teens and sometimes they will let you down and that's when you step in and discipline/help them pick up the pieces. Social media is everywhere and, like with anything, if you set the rules out clearly about how to use it safely then sit back and look like you're not interested when really you are spying on everything and then guide them subtly so they don't realise the extent of your controlling nature. If they do realise they will rebel. (I am very controlling so I do get where you are coming from)

You witnessed terrible alcohol abuse and it made you stay away from alcohol. Thats understandable. Would you rather your son have no experience of social networking and go onto it at 18 like a deer caught in headlights, with all fb (example) has to offer and frighten him off for life? (Missing out on a huge aspect of social life nowadays) or would you rather he had gentle introduction by you building his skills and exposure at age appropriate levels so he knew how to handle whatever was thrown at him?

I'm sorry but can you copy and paste to me where I've insisted that my way is best?

I've put across my points of view, potential worries and concerns.

Sorry should I have just stopped talking after the first 5 yabu's and said thank you I've now changed my mind?

If people have first hand experience if teens then by all means say it won't be like that,

Some of us have done!

To try and put it into terms that might relate better to a five year old, do you try and teach your 5yo about healthy eating by never allowing them to have chocolate/ice cream/chips or whatever? Or do you allow them to have those things as a treat so that they can see by your example that these things are ok in moderation but that healthy eating is achieved by mostly eating other things?

Do you teach them to be careful on climbing equipment by showing them how to do it or by talking them through it until they are confident, or do you teach them to be careful by never allowing them to use a climbing frame? They are dangerous things after all that have led to numerous broken limbs in children, so is it best to just ban them altogether?

Really, it is much better to teach children how to use something safely by allowing them supervised access rather than banning it, and it is completely unrealistic to think that you will be able to prevent a teenager from accessing social media until they are 18.

I agree, lots of 30+ people are clueless about Internet safely. It's scary to watch.

I'm not keen on social networking, but will allow my dds to use it, but only under my watchful eye. YANBU to be wary op.

On a separate note, why is it impossible to say no to a teenager? My parents certainly gave me blanket bans on things. And I suppose in theory it would have been possible for me to do it anyway, but I wouldn't have (well, I did a bit, but not much). My friends and their parents had a similar relationship, so I wasn't unusual. Has parenting teenagers changed so radically?

I said good luck. I also posted a very recent and still rather raw personal experience. But hey, you've made your mind up anyway so off you toddle.

Do come back in 10 years and let us know how it's going eh?

i am well able to say NO to my teenagers I don't see any evidence of anybody on this thread letting their teens away with murder and letting them do things because they cant say NO

I actually wasn't referring to you bitoutofpractice.

No, but lots of people have said you have to agree to them using social networking, because if you don't, they'll do it anyway.

I have read a bit more of the thread now and you seem to assume everyone's experience of FB is the same as yours. I've never seen bullying and we use it as my family is all around the world so we share pictures and message each other etc. dd is 6 and can use a webcam on fb to talk to my brother (her uncle) and her cousin. It's brilliant.

I did have 2 people post racist stuff so I deleted them immediately and I don't get the "like" this if you have a daughter you love type nonsense, but me and other mums have private groups where we arrange to meet up etc

Internet safety scares me as I work in a school and have done safeguarding training but refusing access isn't teaching them.

I'm talking specifically about sites like Facebook or whatever's around by then. Where there are certain risks posed with photo sharing, bullying etc.

And yes bullying goes on without sites but they of course make it far easier, different types of bullying, easier to keep it a secret.

I don't think you need to use something at 12, 13, 14 to be able to handle it at 18, 19, 20. Children are just not responsible enough for certain things, imo, that's why you can't drink, drive, do lots of things until you're 18. Children also just don't need certain things, they see their friends at school everyday, after school, not like adult trying to keep in touch.

I don't doubt it would be much, much more difficult to control what a teenager does, but surely a parent has to up to a point?

Also you can teach your child to use Internet responsibly, but ultimately they are still young and vulnerable, you cannot stop what else is out there.

In none of that is there any concession to what everyone else on the thread is telling you. It is all rhetoric and that's why you got my back up. I'm sorry if you think I'm rude, but I think your attitude to all this is likely to end in a lot of resentment.

I think it is fine to say "no" to your teenagers, but you have to be aware of the context within which you are saying "no". Because setting a limit which the teenager might feel is impossible to comply with, is setting everyone up to fail (your child and you as a parent).

So maybe the blanket ban is "no FB under my roof" or "no FB on your phone" because you can actually police and manage those. But there will be times when a teenager sees FB (or Instagram or whatever), and that is the point where you as a parent will be failing them if you haven't educated them about safe internet use and are simply relying on a blanket ban to save you from having to think about in detail.

saying they can use social network is very different from not being able to say No children who have smart phones these days so they can set up facebook or whatever without their parents knowing much better to guide them and say ok age appropriate of course you can have FB or Twitter, parenting isn't all black and white ime you need to go into the grey areas sometimes,

You can definitely say NO to a teenager. Getting them to hear it can be a bit of an issue at times...

Anecdotal but my lovely friend banned Facebook, mobiles etc until her kids were 16. I know for a fact that they had secret accounts and the odd old mobile gifted by a friend.
But they were very, very socially isolated, had virtually no social life compared to other kids of their age.
To be honest there were other issues like a daft curfew and their mum getting a job at their school to keep an eye on them.
Sadly for some parents it's about control rather than trust. It doesn't help with self confidence.

They will do it a friennds house

Yes, I see the point of that, which is why I will allow my dds to use social networking in a controlled way. I guess this has hit a nerve for me because a young relative of mine is allowed to use the Internet in a way which IMO is completely unsafe and her parents just say that it's what all her friends are doing, and they can't stop her because she'll be left out (of chats online at 1am - she's 12!). I'm worried about it and think they are being completely feeble tbh.

one of my dds friends isn't allowed facebook she has facebook she isn't allowed a boyfriend either but well you know ......

The thing about saying no to teenagers is that it has to be reasonable or it won't work because you cannot (and should not) control their actions like you do a small child.

IMO it's not ok to say to a teenager 'no you can't have Facebook' or 'no you can't choose any of your own clothes' because these things are clearly unreasonable and will result in weeks/months of argument and resentment.

Of course you must say 'no you can't go to that all night party in another city when you are 14 and take a litre of vodka'. And the 'why' there should be perfectly obvious to the teen if you've done your job properly.

In order to manage teenagers you need good will. You don't get good will by being petty and marking them out as different to their friends.

fruitsalad yes of course their is lax parenting you get it everywhere