Baby at 46

[TwittyMcTwitterson]

My lovely mum is going for fertility checks tomorrow to see how difficult it will be to conceive. At 46, she's not receiving that much positive feedback. She always wanted a big family and only had me. One of her biggest regrets.

I'm fairly certain it's not empty nest syndrome as I've lived away for 9 years now. I'm 26 and have a DD myself of 2.5 or a midlife crisis as, like I say, she has always wanted this and hasn't just gone and bought a Porsche

She's not the healthiest 46 yr old. Diets not great, smokes like the proverbial chimney, don't think she'd quit but would cut down but that's another thread has around a glass or more of wine a night. Her life is set up very much as a 46 year old. I don't imagine a baby would fit in easily. She's also self employed and recently set up her own business. She's also not in the stablest of relationships.

Most people have said about tiredness and not realising how knackering it is. However, I said that when I was 24. Her friends who had children at 38 and 40.ish have not been as supportive as you'd think.

Anyway, I'm basically asking if anyone has any constructive advice for her. She's fed up of people putting her down and dismissing it as a fanciful idea. Is it as bad as they say or should she happily go ahead?

Thanks in advance

Welsh, I'll have to ask. She was tested today. Had some tests. Will get full run down tomorrow. I suspect it's on any paperwork you have to fill in and she won't lie. She's mentioned nothing of it.

Brilliant point OddFodd

Why thank you hey. No one ever doubts men's ability to run the world when they're past 40 but women somehow become terribly frail and can't cope with young children without collapsing in a fit of exhaustion. It's absurd.

The 1:5 statistic was a cancer survival comment, unrelated to fertility.
I had my first DS at 43 and my second at 45. They are now 3.5 and 1.5 years old.
We spent approx 100K euro in total. The year DS1 was conceived I had 12 flights abroad - first having ivf treatment in Harley St., later donor egg treatment in Spain. DH was my rock throughout all this.
I don't feel old - I swam a mile today on my lunch break. After such trouble conceiving my siblings comment on how much more I 'enjoy' my children, than they did. DH and I have less extended family support. Both grannies are late 70s and unable to help, fortunately we are financially stable enough to pay for childcare - which we were NOT 20 years ago. I have 2 damaged discs in my back and am done in with playing on the floor after 2 hours (max). What I'm saying is there are ups and downs to older parents. Btw I had healthy pregnancies and vaginal deliveries.
OP if you are not willing to leave your DD with your mum overnight - you have an opinion on her parenting.
I think her age is irrelevant but I think she is unreasonable - ivf to 'make' a relationship

After the age of 43, they will use only doner eggs as the odds are too low for a successful pregnancy with 43+year-old eggs.
The Guiness book of records showed the oldest a woman had a baby was 48 before IVF was invented/discovered.

The youngest girl in the Railway Children film got pregnant at 46 naturally and thought she was in the change. The documentary showed her at 49 with her lovely 3 year-old DD. Her only child.

Absolutely OddFod*

My DH is the same age as me and no one would ever think to judge him for becoming a father at 44...

YesIcan. She will have ivf regardless of relationship status and is not doing this to make the relationship work. She is doing the ivf and believes a side effect if this will be, making the relationship work. It's not much better but it's her theory

I won't leave DD with anyone overnight as she wakes up screaming most nights but I wouldn't leave her with her when she was younger as she has no sense if danger. For example, and it is a shit one but it's the first that came to me at a family event Lots of kids were dancing to music on a dance floor and jumping off a stage. My DD looked like she wanted to join in. It was too dangerous. She could barely walk. She would be in the way of all these ten year olds jumping and running with no regard for a teeny 10 month old. My mum decided to ignore me and placed her on the floor anyway. A small child jumped and landed a hairs length away from DD. I saw it happen realised it was ok and breathed a sigh of relief. As I did that my mum flinched to try and 'save' DD. Slow reactions and stupid ideas that's why I distrusted her. Now DD will simply say no if she doesn't want to so anything and is more hardy so I have no problem

Good luck to your mum xxx

Thank you xxx

I think your mum has the wrong end of the stick. There's no point in her having IVF if she intends to use her own eggs and already knows she can conceive naturally.

IVF won't increase her chances at all. IVF is for interfile people not fertile ones who are just a bit too old. If she was using donor eggs that would be different but she isn't. I really don't think an IVF clinic will give her an own egg cycle at her age.

good luck to you both, you sound like a super daughter and I really hope your mum is happy in her choices whatever they are.

I hope my dds are as supportive as you are to your mum op.

Did your mum have help when you were little OP? I'm just wondering how you survived?

I fell pregnant at 44 and DD arrived the day after my 45th birthday. Perfectly healthy bundle of joy. People spout statistics when they don't really understand them. I've read so many articles full of rash generalisations about how older women (and I'm including myself in that category) are causing all manner of nuisance to the health service. Nonsense. Despite falling for the hype and fearing all manner of hassle due to my age, I had a dream pregnancy and even birth. And that is not meant to be a boast, I was very lucky I know, luckier than a couple of far younger friends and in fact at every stage of my pregnancy I met midwives, nurses and even doctors who said things like, 'ooh loads of people have them later these days' or 'my Mum had me when she was 45 and I was her first!' And that last comment from a lovely doctor. No congenital abnormalities there. Thats not to say there might not be problems, but thats what all the tests are for along the way.

I can't believe anyone could forget the practicalities, i.e. just how much your life changes when you have a baby, so if she wants to try then she should try. Good luck to her.

There are two different things here viz your mum's fertility - if she can conceive on her own with no outside agency then that's one; if she's seeking fertility treatment, then that's something else. In the UK, private clinics are quite strict - not least because their stats (which are crucial to attracting new clients) depend upon their turning away those people who are statistically unlikely to conceive.

Well I wouldn't but then I am happy with having only 1 Dd now anyway and my health isn't great. I know several people who have had babies later on and tbh they have been fine. I can understand your worries but agree with others that it really is up to her. Obviously she will need to sort out her smoking and alcohol if she wants to optimise her chances, but no doubt the medical team will advise her of that.

DaffyDuck ah lovely affirming post. we do seem very sexist/ageist on this topic here today I think.

Nancy, she conceived 7 and 5 years ago. She confirmed last night. Nothing since and not for lack of trying. I think that counts as long enough to consult ivf. It sounds like a good option to me.

Yes it's lovely to hear these stories if happy, healthy 'older' mums.

Quite shocked at the ageist crap on here.

At DCs private school, mums in their 20's/early 30's are as rare as hens teeth and the majority of parents are mid 40's when their kids start reception. We wouldn't blink an eye at a 50yo with a 4yo child. Glad we don't have to hang round the school gates getting judged by some of the people on here.

FWIW, I do wish I didn't ache so much when I get up off the ground when I'm camping with the kids, and I was shattered last week after spending all day every day tearing down mountains, and I do get a bit embarrassed being a fattie and leaving the horse more knackered than me afte riding with my DD. all that is harder to do when you're older, but the spirit to focus on your kids is also a shed load greater when you are older and less hung up on other stuff, so it evens out.

Having my own children negatively judge me and be unsupportive of something that clearly meant the world to me would be very upsetting, so I'd advise OP to tread carefully.

Yes everlong and that is why there are some women that do!

Erm, squiffy the whole point of this thread is to gain insight into from people who have experience in the matter so that I can support her.

Re older parents at private school... That would be the norm. I currently pay the costs of a cheap private school for DD to go to nursery. It is obvious that private school is the luxury of older parents who have already earned their money rather than younger parents like myself who would rather use tat money to buy a house in a better area so the children have grown up somewhere nice and seen naice people.

Clearly, neither way is wrong but you do what you can. I'm not against older mothers. I'm against people not taking it as seriously as they should and continuing a lifestyle choice that could be the main reason conception hasn't happened in the first place.

It would be similar to me moaning about weight gain but ramming chocolate down my throat which is exactly what I do but that's another thread

I can't imagine many women would get pregnant naturally in their late forties and into their fifties. Yes it happens but how often?

More often than you think, I reckon - certainly in late forties. I know quite a few people who have had "surprise" pregnancies at around this age, and both DH's mum and my dad's mum certainly managed to conceive at a late stage without ivf!

It's awful that you lost your mum at such a young age, but I don't think this has much to do with her age, does it? A friend of mine recently passed away at the age of just 34, leaving behind two children. 48 is still tragically young.

I can't imagine many women would get pregnant naturally in their late forties and into their fifties. Yes it happens but how often?

More often than you think, I reckon - certainly in late forties. I know quite a few people who have had "surprise" pregnancies at around this age, and both DH's mum and my dad's mum certainly managed to conceive at a late stage without ivf!

It's awful that you lost your mum at such a young age, but I don't think this has much to do with her age, does it? A friend of mine recently passed away at the age of just 34, leaving behind two children. 48 is still tragically young.