Baby at 46

[TwittyMcTwitterson]

My lovely mum is going for fertility checks tomorrow to see how difficult it will be to conceive. At 46, she's not receiving that much positive feedback. She always wanted a big family and only had me. One of her biggest regrets.

I'm fairly certain it's not empty nest syndrome as I've lived away for 9 years now. I'm 26 and have a DD myself of 2.5 or a midlife crisis as, like I say, she has always wanted this and hasn't just gone and bought a Porsche

She's not the healthiest 46 yr old. Diets not great, smokes like the proverbial chimney, don't think she'd quit but would cut down but that's another thread has around a glass or more of wine a night. Her life is set up very much as a 46 year old. I don't imagine a baby would fit in easily. She's also self employed and recently set up her own business. She's also not in the stablest of relationships.

Most people have said about tiredness and not realising how knackering it is. However, I said that when I was 24. Her friends who had children at 38 and 40.ish have not been as supportive as you'd think.

Anyway, I'm basically asking if anyone has any constructive advice for her. She's fed up of people putting her down and dismissing it as a fanciful idea. Is it as bad as they say or should she happily go ahead?

Thanks in advance

She's not overweight. She just eats crap. Similar to myself. I'm working on it tho.

I just think if she's even considering using donor eggs there is no reason why she should put herself through this, if anything, and just consider adopting or fostering children who are already in this world and need someone.
My aunt and Uncle foster and whilst it can be tricky they have had some wonderful children, and a close friend of mine adopted and now as the most gorgeous, intelligent DS.
Why is she so intent on carrying the child? Even to the point of asking for your eggs!!?

Oh I misread the overweight bit from another post - sorry!

...who's son is severely disabled so she knows what she could be in for.
(whose son) No she doesn't, unless you are living with a child who has special needs day in an day out you really have no idea.

...She has stated that's not what she wants and would get all tests she could and abort if needed.
My son has special needs, all tests came normal. Only difference is that I am younger than her with a really supportive dh so we cope. No way would I have had the energy for the early years at late 40s. Absolutely exhausting. (we adore him! but it doesn't take away how difficult it has been)

MrsD as ever sensible posts.

some of the comments in here are very silly. women have often had babies into their 40s in far more hazardous times than these.

also I wanted my own babies and had them. I had and have no interest in either fostering or adopting. wierd that people jump on these as a fall back position.

many youn people smoke/drink and stop when pregnant so I exist it would be the same for older mums.

re the caring for parents and children at the sane time that's just life. my older 2 are in their twenties and my younger 2 are teens. I am 50. my parents are fit and healthy 80 while mil and fil died in their early 60s.

life is unpredictable.

London my grandmother born was when her mother was 48. small village in Wales and very commen according to my own mother.

She has previously tried to foster. They said wait til DP has been out of her life one year as they were separating and she clearly wouldn't have been a good carer at that point. She then met another man who promised to get her pregnant and turned out to be a massive cocklodger and now she's back with original DP. I imagine she wouldn't be able to adopt. When the foster woman came round, her house was normal ish. Now she has a garage filled with reptiles, several aviaries and lots of rabbits and things. All for her new business. Nothing poisonous but big snakes and that. She's also building stuff to make the house better so house is a building site a tad messy.

On another note her DP has offered me 300 pounds so I can buy a much better car than what I can afford but I really want a three series over a mondeo... What to do

Crikey, there are some very judgey comments on this thread! I know plenty of women who have had babies in their 40s, it's no big deal. My god-daughter's mum was 45 when she was born, and she is coping just fine!

You might want to suggest that changing her lifestyle might improve her chances, but otherwise, you need to butt out!

Timetoask, they live in each other's pockets and have done for over 20 yrs. She knows exactly what to expect as do I. I agree on the tests tho. I'm not sure she has an adequate answer for that. I'm not sure what to say to her.

So she's in an unstable relationship - definitely not the time to have a child. She'd cope with all the rest - tiredness etc with a supportive partner, but without that, not a good idea.

I've tried to hide this thread since I'm one of those geriatric mum!

We can all quote stats but having gone through 7 cycles of IVF I think I'm pretty clued up on the success %'s of fertility treatment. Your mum will have to have lots of luck on her side regardless.

The chances of conceiving with your own eggs are very slim indeed but not impossible if you have the funds for numerous cycles and a great clinic who bothers to get to know you.

I had a great pregnancy and they were born via section at 37 weeks, both good weights. There were 3 other sets of twins born at the same time and all 3 sets were born premature and to much younger mums. They are still in good health, one of my dts's has ASD, but that's definitely genetic from my DH's side.

I haven't smoked since my teens and gave up alcohol when we started TTC at 35, two years after meeting my DH. I'm in good health and am more than capable of keeping up with my two. I have tons of patience and have pretty much been around the world and accomplished my career aims so am happy to commit my life to them without any burning desires to fulfil. I can't say I would have had that attitude in my early 30's.

I hate the judgmental attitude to older mums... usually from women who already have children who think they can tell other women from the luxury of that fact, when they can/can't have children.

Not everyone's life goes the way they thought it might when younger. I never planned to have children late in life, but didn't meet my DH until I was 33. When we TTC it became apparent that we were going to have issues and spent the next 10 years enduring fertility treatment.

I'm 33 and (very) single - I really, really want children of my own. I don't want to foster.

I didn't realise you were only allowed to have children if you were lucky enough to meet your life partner under 35 and don't smoke. Silly me.

Amothersplace, she seems to think the baby would make the relationship. I said I think the stress of a baby breaks relationships.

Agree chund. It probably is the least of her worries.

EveesMummy - to be honest, you sound as if you are the parent.

I have no idea whatsoever whether having a baby at 46 is a 'good' idea in terms of health but I know damn well if a man was wondering about being a dad at 46 - well I doubt so much as an eyebrow would be raised.

I recognise a biological difference is there that may stop her conceiving in the first place. But if she DOES conceive - is there a reason we should gasp in horror? Really?

Evees - from what you've said about your mum (conceiving twice already in her 40s) it sounds like she's fertile. She may well conceive it's just that she has an extremely high chance of miscarrying and it's a case of whether she cope with the emotional fall out of that.

My first daughter was born when I was 43 and my second when I was 46. I don't think I am a bad parent or that my daughters resent me at the moment. Maybe they will in time, maybe they would have if I was 36. I didn't meet anyone I wanted to have a family with until I turned 40. I am glad I did it and will deal with the consequences of being an old parent by loving my children and giving them the best start in life. I don't smoke but I drink wine!

If she's smoking - at all - I think she'll struggle to find a clinic that will treat her so this is probably all hypothetical. I know that IVF Wales perform breath tests and will not commence treatment if women have not been smoke free.

my first kids were born when we were early twenties, other two late thirties. we were far better parents all round in our later years.

it's absolute bollicks to judge parenthood on age.

some parents are never ready and some are always ready.

ffs it's not a bloody crime to have a child in your 40s anymore than in your teens.

it's called life. which means it's uncertain and fragile.

no one knows how long anyone else has got. I suspect if you ask a teenager would you prefer your parents to be in their 60s or would you rather you hadn't been born I suspect they would choose the first one.

very judgy thread.

Good grief! My gran conceived and had a baby, her sixth, two months before her 48th birthday. She had borne her first at 16!

The baby wasn't planned, but healthy and Gran lived till she was 92.

Life holds no guarantees.

Let her get on with it.

I've ignored all the negative stuff about older parents - I'm used to it on here. I can afford a nicer house and better holidays (in a Thelma & Louise sort of way ).

I don't think I find it harder than any other parent who's 20 years' younger. If people can lead countries in their 40s, I'm sure they'll be able to manage a baby. A newborn is hard work but it's on a par with doing 18 hour days at work.

As an older mum I find it hard work but probably would at any age tbh. Plus have nothing to compare it with so feeling knackered is normal.