Baby at 46

[TwittyMcTwitterson]

My lovely mum is going for fertility checks tomorrow to see how difficult it will be to conceive. At 46, she's not receiving that much positive feedback. She always wanted a big family and only had me. One of her biggest regrets.

I'm fairly certain it's not empty nest syndrome as I've lived away for 9 years now. I'm 26 and have a DD myself of 2.5 or a midlife crisis as, like I say, she has always wanted this and hasn't just gone and bought a Porsche

She's not the healthiest 46 yr old. Diets not great, smokes like the proverbial chimney, don't think she'd quit but would cut down but that's another thread has around a glass or more of wine a night. Her life is set up very much as a 46 year old. I don't imagine a baby would fit in easily. She's also self employed and recently set up her own business. She's also not in the stablest of relationships.

Most people have said about tiredness and not realising how knackering it is. However, I said that when I was 24. Her friends who had children at 38 and 40.ish have not been as supportive as you'd think.

Anyway, I'm basically asking if anyone has any constructive advice for her. She's fed up of people putting her down and dismissing it as a fanciful idea. Is it as bad as they say or should she happily go ahead?

Thanks in advance

everlong so sorry xx

Are the tests to see how close to or if she has begun early menopause? I have had those:)

Tbh if your body is still able to conceive naturally it's going to be fine. Most people have to give up their current lifestyle to raise children. Or put it in hold:)

What does she think about her lifestyle change if it happens? If she is happy with changes just support her cheerfully. And 46 is not that old!!

everlong, I'm really sorry for your loss, it must have been awful, and I can see how it might colour your view on this subject.

What I meant was that dying at 48 is simply not something that could have been anticipated. It is still very young, and sadly, some people do pass away before their time. My friend has left behind a 6yo and an 11yo; she was 28 when she had her youngest child. These things can happen to anyone, at any age.

everlong I'm really sorry your mum died when you were so young and can see why you think as you do.

However I refuse to live my life worrying about what might be, what sort of life would that be. Would you really begrudge my children being here just because I am older mum. Would you rather not be here to live your life?

People die young too... my own sisters husband died when their son was 6 months old. My best friend died at 41 from cancer leaving behind two small children.

Oh ever long, that sounds truly horrible. I'm so sorry for you.

It is a worry of mine that I'll be left to raise them but that could happen at any age. Chances are she so unhealthy she'll live to be 100 just to prove us all wrong

I worry mainly about her DP being involved and his stuck up children... I'd much rather it was anonymous

'She has stated that's not what she wants and would get all tests she could and abort if needed. '

I don't think anyone gets pregnant wanting to give birth to a child with additional needs, and many things don't show up in tests. Autism for example. What do you think she'd do with a child that was born with a significant disability?

I'm 40, with a loving and supportive husband and a mum who is a rabidly keen granny, and I am still finding it so, so much tougher this time. I was last pregnant/newborn at 34, and tbh the change in terms of energy and physical resilience is enormous. Obviously it depends very much on the individual, and some 46 year olds would knock me sideways in terms of fitness and health, but your mum doesn't sound one. Is she really likely to be in a state to handle a 14 year old at 60? I'm well aware dd will be in her teens when I hit the menopause and it gave me a moment or million's hesitation. I'm honestly not sure your mum has the head/heart balance right here... though the biological craving for a baby is so very strong, I know.

I know someone who was born when her Mum was 47. She is the youngest of 7! My own Mum had me at 41. I think it is not very likely she will conceive naturally though - a doctor I was chatting to randomly once told me that after about 43 there is a huge decline in most womens fertility so that successful pregnancies after that age are not common though do happen of course. Also she needs to stop smoking. I would offer support if this is what she really wants though but encourage her to live a healthier lifestyle.

Everlong I'm so sorry.

I would go down the donor egg route like tina malone at that age. It worked wonderfully for my friend, happened first cycle (70% chance of a baby per cycle at her clinic) and according to her consultants the birth mother is the biological mother and because of the role of epigenetics actually has as much if not more of an input in the creation of the child than the woman who provided the egg. Her daughter even looks remarkarkably like her!

There is the cost issue of course, I understand it was nearly £10, 000. But if its that amount for such a high possibility or not far from that for normal ivf that only has a very small chance then its a no brainer to me. I honestly think if people knew more behind the actual medical science behind donor eggs and that it is so much more the birth mother's baby than they might think, I think more people would choose this route.

She would keep the child if they had a significant disability. She would need help but she wouldnt desert them. She isnt like that! her heart is too big.

Ive just spoken to her re smoking and drinking. She says she no longer drinks and is on champix to stop smoking but knows she will need to stop that too in order to conceive. I haven't spoken to her over anything other than her moaning about her DP recently but feels a bit strange that she hasnt mentioned she is on champix two weeks in!

I didn't want to mention it in case it made her think the best option was to lie to them!

Argh, losing your mom at 4 is so sad, Everlong.

I cannot fathom why anyone would do this. Bad idea.

lavender, i know she had those tests a few years ago and it looked as though it wasnt coming any time soon.

I know yesterday she was tested to see how many eggs she had left. i imagine the tests are to see what the chances are for her fertility. for ivf and natural. I havent asked the specifics. Ive just assumed as she is talking a lot about IVF.

I'm worried though as she seems to think IVF is a lot less than people have stated. Our cousin had four rounds of IVF and I believe that cost 10K. She looked at some things for the hospital shes visiting today and the brochure led her to believe 700 pounds was all it would be! She is estimating more than double that tho just in case. We dont have abig family but a lot of women in the family struggle. My gran (her mum) had a lot of miscarriages. I believe 7. The cousin who had IVF had 5 and another had 2. i have the fertility of a rabbit and feel guilty as well as happy with this

Evees what I'm confused about is why your mum thinks IVF is the way forward ? I say that as somebody that had IVF.

She isn't conceiving because of her age. IVF can't turn back time.

EVeesmummy - I think your mum is living in cloud cuckoo land - not re. having the baby per se but because she thinks it will somehow glue her relationship together. That is just about the worst reason to bring a baby into the world, especially if her partner is the dick he sounds to be.

Re. the practicalities of having a baby at 46 - I think she should have made more attempt to be healthier, and especially to have given up smoking.
My 2 boys were born when I was 40 and 45, both conceived naturally with no help - I was very lucky. I was even more lucky that they are both without any obvious problems. My 2nd pregnancy was bloody hard going (still not as hard as some but hard enough for me not to want to go through it again!) but I am not finding it too hard having a toddler at 46 1/2. I am not particularly fit but I eat well and take supplements, which I believe helps. I don't smoke either and rarely drink now.

I owe it to my boys to try and maximise my lifespan now - it wasn't exactly my choice to have children so late, it's just the way it panned out with meeting DH and so on, and having 3 MCs between the 2 successful pgs. But since I've done it, the least I can do is do my best to hang around for as long as possible for them.

Sorry Everlong that you lost your mum so young, that is heartbreaking and would definitely colour your views on older motherhood. :(

Don't be sorry, Everlong. It's a valid contribution to this discussion - and as someone who also had babies relatively late I'm a bit haunted by that fear, too.

OP I think your mother needs to call the clinics and ask for a per cycle price. And the price if she needs (and can even locate) donor eggs, too. Friends were charged £6,000 per attempt recently. They succeeded on the 3rd attempt, but the issue was his (easier to treat) and they were in their very, very early 30s. £700 a cycle doesn't sound right at all.

Your mum may poss be thinking of iui at £700

i dont think dying before the kids grow up is exclusively a worry for older parents though. Statistically, yes its more likely but i'm plagued by the thought of what would happen. I'm known to be a worrier but i do sit up some nights worrying about what would happen!

700 is far too cheap. The clinic is in Nottingham as she lives near there. She will obviously be asking about costs today.

I think the answer is simple here. Split up with DP, quit smoking completely, she says she has already stopped drinking. get donor eggs (if needed) and sperm.

nancy what is iui?

IUI is artificial insemination. So monitoring the cycle and injecting sperm at the optimum point during ovulation.

These can be natural or medicated cycles.

A lot cheaper than IVF as it doesn't involve egg retrieval

possibly. seems silly for her to do though but i know nothing on the subject. an expert may disagree

IUI and FET (frozen embryo transfer, i.e. using "leftover" frozen embryos from an earlier IVF cycle) can be around 700 quid. IVF ranges from about 3-15k per cycle depending on the clinic, and how complicated the case is (e.g. whether immunology drugs, blood thinners and so on are required).

My other half's mum had a 2nd family, she had 3 more kids, one at 44, one at 45 and one at 46. It's not unheard of at all, and many women this age get caught out pregnant when they thought they were 'past' it.

Constructive advice?

Stop smoking
Stop drinking
Exercise
Take folic acid
Use ovulation sticks

Ok so... She was on about iui.

She can't use own eggs. She only has one follicle left (no idea what that means) she's considering a donor. I don't think she will as feels it won't be hers. I feel a guilt trip to donate coming.

Knob faces sperm swim perfectly...

Couldn't have gone worse.