Baby at 46

[TwittyMcTwitterson]

My lovely mum is going for fertility checks tomorrow to see how difficult it will be to conceive. At 46, she's not receiving that much positive feedback. She always wanted a big family and only had me. One of her biggest regrets.

I'm fairly certain it's not empty nest syndrome as I've lived away for 9 years now. I'm 26 and have a DD myself of 2.5 or a midlife crisis as, like I say, she has always wanted this and hasn't just gone and bought a Porsche

She's not the healthiest 46 yr old. Diets not great, smokes like the proverbial chimney, don't think she'd quit but would cut down but that's another thread has around a glass or more of wine a night. Her life is set up very much as a 46 year old. I don't imagine a baby would fit in easily. She's also self employed and recently set up her own business. She's also not in the stablest of relationships.

Most people have said about tiredness and not realising how knackering it is. However, I said that when I was 24. Her friends who had children at 38 and 40.ish have not been as supportive as you'd think.

Anyway, I'm basically asking if anyone has any constructive advice for her. She's fed up of people putting her down and dismissing it as a fanciful idea. Is it as bad as they say or should she happily go ahead?

Thanks in advance

I must be extremely fit as I don't find it any more tiring than when I worked pre children. Although an average working week for me was around 65 hours so I guess that built up my stamina.

Housework, cooking and cleaning, used to be much more difficult. SAHM were called housewives because their job was largely looking after the house, cooking and washing, not looking after the children. I am not saying women had it easier. I am saying that the expectations of mothering were far less.

Children were also expected to take on a significant share of the jobs and the childminding in the past. Yes, we played out but we were responsible for the younger ones.
Childhood now seems to extend into the mid-twenties for many, with few responsibilities. Look at the threads that go on and on about 'Should I expect my teenagers to do anything in the house?'

Now housework is less onerous, the demands of mothering have become greater.

Usually because the parents choose to accept those demands, or are afraid of being judged by other parents if they don't. That's a choice.

I think mothering was harder when the children were small. So when children need lots of physical care such as nappy changes and feeding. But by school age, most children would spend long periods playing outside, or helping out with housework and looking after other children.

I can't understand why anyone would willingly try to have a baby in their late forties . It seems completely delusional (and selfish) to me...if you're starting to deteriorate on the outside (grey hairs, wrinkles, eyesight) then doesn't common sense tell you that your eggs are probably diminishing in quality too? Just crazy. Get a puppy or volunteer with a children's organization, become a teacher or find another way to satisfy that maternal urge if you've left it too late. It's like the elephant in the room...everyone's thinking it but no one's going to say it to your face.

Why do you think that has changed for so many school aged children?
And not for others?

Not sure Goblin. There seems to be much greater awareness of safety, the idea of what mothering encompasses seems to have expanded, and there is a lot of pressure on mothers to conform around how they bring up children.

I think children are seen as much more fragile now than they used to be - physically and emotionally.

How insensitive and rude Brennan.

It's not so much her age I would be concerned with; it's everything else. Especially not being in a stable relationship.

Brennan, I have a big chunk of grey hair under the bleach, have recently started wearing glasses and have the beginnings of crows feet. I'm also 26. Luckily I get ID'd all the time else I'd be calling Harley street.

Talking of changes in motherhood, my dad's mum (early 70s) used to push his little sister into the woods at the end of her garden in her pram and leave her there while she did the house work. A few people say this was the norm

Well if she wants to have any chance of making it happen she should start to treat her body like a temple.

Perfect diet, would probably go as far as saying sugar, wheat, dairy free, mountains of organic veg and some meat and fish.

Stop smoking, vitamin supplements esp anti-oxidants.

From what you said the chances of her getting pregnant are remote.

Look - your mum is not going to have a baby. The massive probability is that she won't. And no, not because of her age in itself, but because she has no eggs, no idea of the true costs, an unhealthy lifestyle, hasn't had a period since November, five years without conceiving, two previous miscarriages etc etc. The chances of her carrying a healthy baby to term are miniscule.

So I think the real question here is for you to consider how you are going to support your mum through what is going to be a very difficult time for her - i.e. having to give up on her dream and accept that her life is what it is? I think THAT'S what you need to focus on, not whether or not she should have a baby, because it just doesn't sound at all likely, and the other option - the one where she's going to be left bereft with this 'hope' gone - is sadly far, far more likely.

Ps) I know it's not my business to say so, but I don't really think you should be borrowing money from someone you hate as much as you hate your 'stepfather'. You're indebted to him if you do that. No car is worth giving up your self respect for!

Yes snow, since this thread started it has changed from what if, to a not gonna happen. She's doing well. I'm going up this weekend to double check but all seems better than expected.

Re the car, I picked it up tonight... Yay \O/ money is fine and sorted. Not a self respect issue as such. Though frankly it's tomb straddling that at 26 I can't afford a full car and have to lend 300

Tomb straddling???? I mean embarrassing.

I agree with Snow. Spot on...

I echo what LagoonaBlue said.
I have about 4 grey hairs, no crows feet and skin is still fine and unsaggy, thanks. And my eyesight has been shit since I was 6 - so really not age-related.
So fuck off with your preconceived ideas Brennan - you're out of date and a bit lacking in a wider perspective.

OP - thought at first "tomb straddlers" was Brennan's description of women over 40 . See my eyesight has gone so she must be right.

My lovely friend had a baby at 48. She's v proud of announcing that she took a 2 yr old to her 50th. She's a wonderful mother, the father was furious and didn't speak to my friend for the entire pg. They are doing so well as parents, BUT the little girl is suffering IMO. In terms of clothes, behaviour, etc. They are forcing her to behave like a 60s child - which just doesn't relate to this age. She's suffering at school - and the parents have no idea they are causing it. Therefore - np with older parents, just remember which decade your children are being born into.

My mum had older parents, after a long gap from her brother. I know she is against women and men having children when they are much older as a result of her experiences.