Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to visit my parents at the weekend.....

37 replies

Sparrowlegs248 · 23/02/2014 21:25

Without my sister and her kids being there?

I work full time, and long hours. So no time to visit during the week. I regularly see mum for lunch during the week, and sister. I also love her children to bits and like to see them.

But, she nor my mum work and don't seem to 'get' time constraints. I rarely see my dad, he works also. So i want to visit to see him and mum, without it being all about the children.

It soundschildish and selfish written down. Mum invited me and DH to a family meal saturday early p.m. - at a child friendly chain pub with play area. I didn't go as had a headache and couldn't face the 'excitement' of it all, and the children being given free rein. Was going to visit today but sister and kids there all day.

Its impossible to have a conversation when they are there, kids are centre stage and all adults are totally focussed on them.

Its every weekend.

OP posts:
MaryWestmacott · 23/02/2014 21:27

Invite your mum and dad to yours?

edwinbear · 23/02/2014 21:30

No, it doesn't sound selfish at all. Young children, as adorable as they are (and clearly you love your niblings) can be exhausting. Depending on their ages, it can be impossible to have a relaxed, grown up conversation without worrying about where they are, are they safe, bothering anyone etc etc. But you need to just ask your mum for a bit of one to one time. If your mum and sister spend so much time together I'm sure nobody will be offended.

Only1scoop · 23/02/2014 21:32

Yanbu at all....arrange something with just them soon.

Original poster
Sparrowlegs248 · 23/02/2014 21:35

mary If i invited them here, it would be expected that they all came.

Mum gets the children from school friday, they stay over, sister goes saturday, they all stay over, they leave sunday around 6 - 7pm.

I am sure if i suggest maybe having them every other weekend, that both mum.and sister will be offended.

OP posts:
CaterpillarCara · 23/02/2014 21:36

Could you pick an evening during the week? "Tuesday night Scrabble at mum's" or something?

CaterpillarCara · 23/02/2014 21:37

Sorry - just re-read and saw the "long hours" bit.

Original poster
Sparrowlegs248 · 23/02/2014 21:38

Not really, I don't get home til 7.30pm at the latest. Parents eat at about 6 and don't seem able to change that so by the time i have cooked and eaten its a bit late to be going over to them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparrowlegs248 · 23/02/2014 21:41

Sorry 7.30 at the earloest, not latest! I wish!

I don't want them to be totallly absent as its lovely to all get together but occasionally it would be nice to have an adult conversation. In fact they needn't be absent at all, but no one seems capable of quietening the children down sometimes. Its manic.

OP posts:
PansOnFire · 23/02/2014 21:42

YADNBU, you deserve some alone time with your mum without young children around. I think families tend to forget that alone time is important along with getting together with a big group, otherwise time together doesn't serve any purpose after a while. I'm not sure that your sister understands this though, she probably visits your mum so that she doesn't have to be solely responsible for her children (I don't mean this in a negative way at all, sharing responsibility for an afternoon with grandparents makes difficult days much easier!) so she's not looking at the situation from your perspective. I think speaking to your parents about it might be the best place to start, see how they feel about it.

Original poster
Sparrowlegs248 · 23/02/2014 21:47

Thanks Pans you are right. Sister is a single parent to two lively close in age children and doesn't cope well with them. But I feel them being with my parents all weekend every weekend is too much. It makes me sad that i avoid going at weekends now, as when i do, as you say - it serves no purpose at all, no adult really speaks to me, its all focussed on the children and i come away disappointed.

OP posts:
CaterpillarCara · 23/02/2014 21:58

What time do the kids go to bed on Friday / Saturday night? Could you go after bedtime?

I do know what you mean though. The last time I went back to my home country, I got so annoyed as I'd arranged to meet one person (SIL, MIL, Mum, my sister) and suddenly the whole clan would be there! It is just not the same always being in a group.

ikeaismylocal · 23/02/2014 22:22

I think you are being a bit unreasonable, it sounds like your sister and parents are happy with the arrangement.

Couldn't you have adult time a Saturday evening once the kids are in bed or Sunday when they have gone home?

Suggesting that your parents only have your sister and family to visit every other weekend is completly inappropriate, your parents can choose to invite whoever they want to their home.

What would your sister do every other weekend when your parents don't invite her? Stay at home with two hard to control children just so you can spend time withyour parents without having to talk over the kids.

I think you sound jealous of the attention your sister's kids get, at no point have you mentioned that you think it's too much for your parents it is all about what you want.

MamaMumra · 24/02/2014 00:02

I think YABU a bit but I understand that it can be a bit frustrating. I'd suggest making the most of the lunches you have together or maybe popping in Sunday evening.

Are your nephews / nieces quite young?

I don't see what you can realistically do about your sister being there at weekends - maybe try and embrace the chaos and the change in family dynamics?

CSIJanner · 24/02/2014 00:23

Invite your parents out for a special lunch. Say you want to treat them on either the Saturday/Sunday maybe and the ther day, spend with our sister and children. I did this with my parents - treated them nice a month to a meal out however the first time, DM choose fish of the day at £120!! It was her birthday so no eyebrows raised but after that, I scanned the specials and mentioned which ones 'weren't available'...

ComposHat · 24/02/2014 00:30

Fish of the day costing 120 sheets? Whst was it Koi carp? A porpoise?

CSIJanner · 24/02/2014 00:32

I remember it was the entire thing, eyeballs included on a platter. They at least had the decency to not charge for sides. Mother was in her element as she loves fish, especially the eyeballs.... Boik!

ComposHat · 24/02/2014 01:07

Watching her evicerate the 120 sov fish must have added insult to injury. If my mother had done that, she'd be dinning in Greggs for the rest of her natural.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 24/02/2014 01:20

yanbu.

I'm fairly aware that my childless siblings arrange stuff with the parents, but without me/dh/our 3 dc because they want it to be a grown up thing. Sometimes I go with them on my own and dh has the dc. When we all go to things it does seem that the dc dominate somewhat... and although I know they love time with the dc, I know they 'adult' family time too.

Often my family all come round to ours - so they get the dc around early evening, then the dc are put to bed and we have grown up time later.

Not sure what the solution is in your case though, sorry, since it would seem to be very much down to your sister.

Original poster
Sparrowlegs248 · 24/02/2014 08:35

Thanks all. My mum wouldsay no to a lunch/dinner at the weekend because she has the children

ikea I'm not going to suggest they have the children every other weekend. I just wish they could come up with it themselves. Or even just have them one day/night to give others the option of adult time.

I'm not jealous of the attention they get, I would just like to see my parents, Dad especially and get some 'quality time' with them. As for what my sister would do, i don't know. Whatever it is that people do who don't spend all weekend at their parents?

OP posts:
PikaAchooo · 24/02/2014 08:45

Sorry but I think YABU. You've shot down every suggestion you've been given.

Your Mum clearly has made these arrangements to try a give your sister, who you say isn't coping a hand and you want to change that and have her struggle. It sounds to me like everyone apart from you is happy with the situation.

Since its you that wants things to be different it's up to you to find a solution (preferably without upsetting your Sis and her kids)

TBH if she won't meet you for lunch because your sis and kids are there she is Def not going to change to seeing them EOW. I think you need to realise you are welcome there you just don't want to go.

AlwaysDancing1234 · 24/02/2014 08:48

Not unreasonable at all. We have a DS and another on the way and we have big extended family on both sides with lots of kids whom we adore.
However... it's nice to go over PIL's on our own sometimes without BIL, SIL and their two kids being there. BIL two kids are very noisy, boisterous (badly behaved) and no one including DS really gets a look in when they are there.
Luckily MIL has recognised this (after some gentle words from me and growing realisation over time) and we now "take turns" for want of a better phrase.
I understand your DSis is single parent and needs the help, perhaps you could suggest going over on a Sat evening so see the kids for an hour then grown up time once they are in bed?

ikeaismylocal · 24/02/2014 08:55

Op do you intend to have children ever? I assume if you do you'll arrange childcare so you can have adult time with your parents?

Why are Saturday and Sunday evenings not an option?

Flicktheswitch · 24/02/2014 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Sparrowlegs248 · 24/02/2014 09:17

I would be more than happy to try some of the suggestions, but i have made suggestions such as my parents coming over, (they arrived en masse) or taking them out (we can't we've got the kids). Etc. Which is why i am in this position now, wondering what next.

OP posts:
PikaAchooo · 24/02/2014 09:24

Have you actually said I would like to cook you a meal on Sunday night, could you let me know a weekend it would suit without the kids?

They probably don't realise what you're asking. If they do then they don't want to compromise their time with the kids.

In that case ask them to meet you near work for a meal out during the week. Or arrange to finish early one night to go to them. There are plenty of options that don't involve excluding your Sister on a weekly or fortnightly basis. You're not a kid, I think wanting 50% of the time/attention comes across as being jealous.

Sorry it's just my opinion.