To tell this mother I'm cancelling our lift share arrangement as of tomorrow?

[lydiawickam]

Have NCed as think some of the school mums may know I'm a mneter.

DD is 7 and attends dance classes several evenings a week. Another girl in her class dances at the same school and is often there at the same time as DD, so her mum and I share lifts on those days- at the moment 2 days a week. This afternoon was another child in their class's birthday party at a local softplay centre, which both girls were invited to, so I took and the other mother brought back. When DD was dropped home. she was in tears. Apparently the other mother had a go at her in the car on the way back because her DD was by herself at the party and didn't have anyone to play with, and demanded to know why DD didn't play with her. DD said she was with another group of children and didn't realise her DD had been by herself, so the mother accused her of excluding her DD Normally when she drops DD home she walks her up to the door but today she just dropped her and drove off, so I'm guessing she's either feeling bad about it or didn't want to explain to me why DD was upset.

Aibu to text her and say I won't be able to give her DD lifts from now on?

I agree with NinjaBunny. Why would she not come to the door? You wouldn't just shout at a child and leave them on the pavement. Horrible.

Regardless of whether you lift share or not presumably you have years more of your DDs being in the same dance class and same school. Not a good idea to be at loggerheads if you can avoid it. You need to talk to the other mum, obviously I don't know your DD but my DD at 7 would burst into tears at the mildest reprimand (and even if other chlidren were being told off) - I really don't think you can read much into it.

P.S I am in a lift share with 2 neighbours and they generally drop my DD (who is now 8, but was 7 when we started doing it) outside - yes they watch to see her in, but don't come to the door - I don't think it's odd or unacceptable to do this!

I'd phone the Mum and ask what happened. She probably knows that she shouldn't have driven off and let your DD in tears, but was more concerned about her own DDs distress at that point.
If her response isn't satisfactory then reconsider the lift share arrangement.

She'd find when the dh opened the door though, what if op had been out? Not on, let us know what she said op!

I'd be careful how you approach this because although the mum might be unreasonable and the dd might be a prima dona, it's also possible that there was some exclusion at the party and that your dd was crying because she was upset that she realised that she had not perhaps been very nice, or because the other little girl was very upset. The mum might not have walked the OP's dd up the drive because she was herself very upset or her dd was very upset, and it's also possible that the OP's dd may only have started crying after she got out of the car.

Either scenario, and of course others are possible. Anyway see if you can have a chat with the mum and then decide what you want to do.

It would have been better if the mum had tried not to say anything either way until she was able to talk to you / she had calmed down.

Gone not find!

Does she normally just drive off after your dd gets out, or just that day?

I wouldn't want my 7yo in the care of a grown up that couldn't put their safety above anger regarding an imagined slight against their own dc.

How long will she hold this grudge?

She sounds loopy, I wouldn't want her looking after my DC again.

Talk to the mum. It would be odd that this is the first time she's shown her oddity so I'd be inclined to listen at what an adults interpretation on events were.

Other mother may not have driven off until the door opened. I'm guessing that DH, faced with a crying DD, first of all tried to comfort her/work out why she was upset, before looking up to see if the other mum was still there. Plenty of time for other mum to see the door open and drive away unnoticed.

Phone the mum and ask what happened at the party but leaving her at the door was definitely not on and I would be putting her right about that

I would certainly be phoning the other mum to ask her why your DD was so upset.

Hear her response and then go from there.

If the mum is this upset at the treatment her dd got, she may well be contacting you to stop the lift sharing!!

Seriously, good idea to sort it with the mum first..

Ah, well then if you're not sure about the just leaving her bit, I still agree you need to talk to her without accusing.

It is hard to think your child may be omitting things or even outright lying but unfortunately, there is always the possibility.

Also good to remember as a pp said, that you will have to see the other mum at dance, and that the girls will probably be best friends again tomorrow.

redskyatnight, the OP said 'The other mother has driven off by the time Dh answered the door'.

I don't walk my kids friends in either, but I will always make sure they go inside.

I think there are a few scenarios that could have gone on here:

1. Your DD didn't do anything wrong, the mum acted angrily and shouted at her/told her off, and then dropped her off in temper.

2. Your DD excluded her DD, intentionally or unintentionally, and the mum acted angrily.

3. Your DD knew she was unkind to the other girl, and she was crying out of guilt. The other mum may not have 'told her off' as such, but children do cry when they're guilty!

Obviously it could be a combination too of any or all of these, or anything else in between! The mum shouldn't have just dropped your DD and driven off though. Are you sure that's what she did?

I'd give her a ring and ask her, then take it from there regarding what you want to do next.

prettybetty I know the OP said that. I just don't believe, as I said in my post above that, faced with a crying child, DH's first thought would be to look around and see if the other mum was still there - I think he would have sorted out his DD first and then looked round - which would have given her long enough to drive off is she'd just waited to see the door open. Fairly sure what is meant here is that the other mum had driven off by the time anyone looked for her WHICH IS NOT THE SAME THING.

yes, op has clarified her dh is unsure if the mother drove off before seeing the girl was in safely.

YANBU. I cancelled a lift arrangement ( it wasn't even lift sharing, it was just me taking this kid to school every morning for reasons I still can't fathom - it crept up on me!). I was actually the mother who told the other kid off after enduring epic rudeness and unkindness to my own child, and after doing the telling off I rang the mum and explained why I had five do and that I felt unable to carry on.

She was upset but civil, cool for a month or two but when we cross paths now she is friendly, do there's been no enduring unpleasantness.

I'd be very unhappy at her dumping a child and speeding off before checking she even got indoors, I would call a halt for that alone, regardless of her anger it is unjustifiable.

Whereisegg Sun 23-Feb-14 19:42:01
yes, op has clarified her dh is unsure if the mother drove off before seeing the girl was in safely.

Has she? Where?

Am I not seeing all the posts or something? (People have mentioned missing posts recently.)

The other mother has driven off by the time Dh answered the door, yes- we live on a B road, admittedly not a busy one but it's not a closed off housing road either. DD was crying.

OP never said that her dh didn't know for sure. Some else said that on the thread.

Indeed, Ready, that's what I can see.

Unless there's a post missing on what I'm reading, people are getting carried away with each other's theories. It's not even a long thread.