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AIBU?

To tell this mother I'm cancelling our lift share arrangement as of tomorrow?

108 replies

lydiawickam · 23/02/2014 18:30

Have NCed as think some of the school mums may know I'm a mneter.

DD is 7 and attends dance classes several evenings a week. Another girl in her class dances at the same school and is often there at the same time as DD, so her mum and I share lifts on those days- at the moment 2 days a week. This afternoon was another child in their class's birthday party at a local softplay centre, which both girls were invited to, so I took and the other mother brought back. When DD was dropped home. she was in tears. Apparently the other mother had a go at her in the car on the way back because her DD was by herself at the party and didn't have anyone to play with, and demanded to know why DD didn't play with her. DD said she was with another group of children and didn't realise her DD had been by herself, so the mother accused her of excluding her DD Normally when she drops DD home she walks her up to the door but today she just dropped her and drove off, so I'm guessing she's either feeling bad about it or didn't want to explain to me why DD was upset.

Aibu to text her and say I won't be able to give her DD lifts from now on?

OP posts:

Report

SauvignonBlanche · 23/02/2014 20:01

YWBU to do that without speaking to the woman.

lydiawickam · 23/02/2014 20:03

Spoke to the other mother and asked if she knew why DD might have been upset when she dropped her home, she said she was sorry she made DD cry but her DD has very low self esteem and she was just so angry she had been left by herself and couldn't understand why none of her daughter's friends would have come and asked her to play with them. I've told her I won't be able to give her lifts this week, wasn't feeling brave enough to say that's it

OP posts:

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 23/02/2014 20:05

Regardless of what went on before the mother should have seen your DD safely into the house. What if there had been an emergency and no one was home?

eddielizzard · 23/02/2014 20:05

wow. well i feel sorry for her dd, but to take it out on yours?????

lljkk · 23/02/2014 20:06

ooh, I think that calls for a longer heart to heart before deciding what to do long term. I feel for the other parent but still uncalled for behaviour.

cithkadston · 23/02/2014 20:07

Well now she's admitted she told your DD off, I'd stop the lifts and have minimal contact with her in future. Perhaps she needs to work at improving her DD's self esteem herself rather than blaming others for it.

WeAreDetective · 23/02/2014 20:07

She should not have done that to your dd

But she must be deeply saddened for her own daughter, how awful for her

ReadyToPopAndFresh · 23/02/2014 20:10

I think having a go at your dd was low and shitty.. But the fact that she didn't confirm a 7 year old was safe inside means you really shouldn't leave her with your child. She's very immature and it's really not your daughter's jobn to babysit her dd.

Funnyfoot · 23/02/2014 20:10

Tell her that although you feel for her daughter you cannot trust her (the mother) to take your DD in her car anymore as shouting at and making your child cry due to something she was not at fault for is out of order.

Your child was at that birthday party to have fun not to babysit.

Paintyfingers · 23/02/2014 20:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scarlettsmummy2 · 23/02/2014 20:12

I don't think I would have stopped the lifts. Seems like a huge storm in a teacup.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 23/02/2014 20:12

So your daughter became the scapegoat? That's awful! And she didn't even check if you were in! She's not a friend, is she? I'd definitely cool things.

Nerfmother · 23/02/2014 20:13

I've dropped another mother for catching my 7 year old as he left school and bollocking him for leaving out her ds. Totally get the difficulties with having a child who isn't socially included all the time, but I'd chosen not to approach her over reports coming my way about her ds . You can never know what goes on between children - a tiny glance can speak volumes if they all know the meaning- so I think it's not on for her to offload on your dd.

Bogeyface · 23/02/2014 20:17

It sounds like the DD was playing and hadnt noticed that the other girl was being left out.

I have several issues. Why is the the DD's responsibility to look after the other girl? The mother should have been encouraging her child to join in, not blame the other kids for having a good time. How dare she think it ok to have a go at the OPs DD when she wasnt the only child at the party? And she left a 7 year old child alone on the street and didnt even bother to make sure she was safe. The woman is a fucking bitch and I wouldnt want anything more to do with her, and if anyone asked I would tell them the truth!

AnyFuckerHQ · 23/02/2014 20:20

I always think that grown women who get involved in the affairs of their children are very silly indeed

yes, 7yo girls leave each other out

some of them can be right little horrors

their mums getting all uptight and falling out with each other, cancelling perfectly mutually helpful lift arrangements over it ? Not sure which age group is better represented here, tbh

nova1111 · 23/02/2014 20:26

Just my view - 7 year olds are not old enough to supply any loyalty to a friend. Even if she had realised her friend was being left out, some of them just aren't capable of knowing what to do about it at this age, or to manage the situation. She is expecting the behaviour of a much older dc.

I speak as someone who's dc aged 7 was pushed out of her friendship group by one dc and left for about six weeks with nobody to play with at school.

It's really below the belt to corner a dc in this way and bully them like this. She is the adult in this situation.

It is upsetting and it does make you angry. But as an adult you have to be pretty unhinged to take it out on a dc in this way.

It sounds a bit like a knee jerk reaction. I wonder if she'll be apologetic tomorrow.

lazyhound444 · 23/02/2014 20:27

Paintyfingers what difference does it make if the OP's DD was leaving the other child out or not. That's life. Kids get left out sometimes, you don't go bawling in the face of a 7 year old to resolve it. Some of the alleged "adult" behaviour condoned or exhibited on these forums beggars belief.

gilliangoof · 23/02/2014 20:29

Ynbu - I feel bad for the woman and her DD. They probably had a much worse time than your DD. Imagine the embarrassment of the girl who firstly didn't manage to join in the party and then had to listen to her mother telling another girl off for not helping her join in. But even if you admit it was terrible for the woman and her dd she handled it very badly. I'm not sure I would be comfortable with my daughter being in the care of someone who handles things like that. Your DD didn't even do anything wrong. What if she did some day as children sometimes do?

Whereisegg · 23/02/2014 20:31

her post at 19:03

JackNoneReacher · 23/02/2014 20:32

I'd ring and use almost the exact words bogey suggested and let her explain.

However, you've made it sound like she dropped your daughter in tears and didn't even make sure she got in ok (let alone explain there had been words). In which case I wouldn't trust her with my 7 year old again.

notapizzaeater · 23/02/2014 20:36

I'd phone and speak to her and depending on what is said I'd decide.

Floggingmolly · 23/02/2014 20:36

You drove the girls to the party, didn't you, op? So they arrived together. How come the other girl was then left on her own for the whole time, with your dd claiming she didn't realise?
There could well have been some unpleasantness, 7 year old girls can be awful.

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JackNoneReacher · 23/02/2014 20:37

Oh wow, just caught up!

The Mum is upset and angry because her dd has low self esteem and got left out so shouted at your daughter!!!

Fucking ridiculous! She's barking.

Do 7 year olds really need to have the label 'low self esteem'? I wonder if she just needs practice and encouragement at making friends instead of her Mum having a go at whichever little girl is handy!

nkf · 23/02/2014 20:37

It wasn't bullying. It was a scolding, borne out of her own anxiety about her daughter. Do what you want to do, but don't let MN convince you that it was more than it is. Not nice, not how you should be as a parent, an overreaction, but not bullying.

lljkk · 23/02/2014 20:37

imho, I would wait at least 24 hours before getting in touch, and try to speak face to face not on phone. If this goes badly there could be bad feeling between the 4 of you for yrs (I live in a small town, I know what that's like!), so I would try to hash this out rather than cut someone off sharply.

If she couldn't muster up an apology I'd probably tactfully withdraw from the arrangement, but I would give her a chance before going so far.

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