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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find it upsetting that...

38 replies

PikaAchooo · 22/02/2014 17:05

ExH's girlfriend is pregnant.

I received a message from someone I don't even know by private mail on FB.

He has nothing to do with our DD (his choice).

I'm not jealous but I am a little bit sad.

Is this unusual? I told my Mum and she doesn't think there is any reason for me to be a little upset about it.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 22/02/2014 17:07

You have every right to be sad.

Having another child when you can't be arsed with the first one? Total wanker and desperately sad for your child who wasn't wanted.

Pigeonhouse · 22/02/2014 17:47

I'm not surprised you are saddened on your daughter's behalf. You must find yourself wondering about the motivation of someone who would have a second child when he never sees his first, and whether he will actually be a proper father to this child when it's born...

On the other hand, presumably your ex's partner must be having uneasy thoughts about having a baby with a man who has shown himself to be such a demonstrably useless father...

KarenBrockman · 22/02/2014 17:50

I think these runaway Dad's don't present themselves as such to the next sucker.

HappyMummyOfOne · 22/02/2014 18:01

What is the new girlfriend thinking, she cant have many morals if she is having a child with somebody who has already abandoned one.

No security of marriage and it doesnt sound like a long term relationship either and the innocent child gets no choice in being born. Adults are old enough to have to live with their mistakes if they make the wrong choice.

squoosh · 22/02/2014 18:04

He sounds like a waste of space.

Do you think in the long run he'll turn out to be a better father to this new baby than to your child? I doubt it.

Why did the stranger send you a message? Was it a 'thought you should know' type thing?

WhoNickedMyName · 22/02/2014 18:16

YANBU. It's very sad for both you and your daughter.

I'm always astounded by women who choose to have a child with someone who has no contact with their existing children.

My SIL did this. Of course his two exes were 'psychos' who stopped him from seeing his children boo hoo blah blah. Now she's his third 'psycho ex', he couldn't give a crap about his third child and is probably telling his new gullible woman the same old bullshit and she's lapping it up.

I hope you're getting every penny you can from him via the CSA.

Original poster
PikaAchooo · 22/02/2014 18:21

Yes that was pretty much the exact words... "thought you should know that..." Can't help but think really? Why is that considering you don't know me from Adam.

I honestly don't know what the woman is like. Part of me feels a bit sorry for her because he really isn't a very nice man and the other part of me thinks well she knows what he's like. She must do, we live in a village, news travels fast.

I think it's just a bit of a shock today.

OP posts:
squoosh · 22/02/2014 18:32

Weird that some total stranger would message you with that news. They have no idea how you would take it, could have been massively upsetting for you. Some people just live to gossip!

I too don't understand how any woman would want to be with such a man especially if as you say it's inevitable she knows he has a child he chooses not to see.

susiedaisy · 22/02/2014 18:37

Yanbu

pictish · 22/02/2014 18:41

Yanbu...I would find that hurtful on behalf of my child too...but what can you do?

Personally, if I were seeing a guy who it turned out had pretty much spurned his own child, and wasn't paying a penny, my amour would disappear pretty bloody quickly. I certainly wouldn't be having a baby with it!

Mind you...they'll say any old shit these men won't thay? "She won't let me see her" etc etc...

Ffs.

Ledkr · 22/02/2014 18:45

Can I be sad with you.
My xh and I have 3ds who he hardly bothers with and a dd he sees for a few hrs on a Sunday.
His young gf is pregnant with their third baby in three years and my children found out when he posted the scan on fb.
So I'm sad that he's ignoring our children whilst acting excited about one who's not even born yet.
Horrible.

squoosh · 22/02/2014 18:48

Your poor kids Ledkr, what a colossal shit he sounds.

KingR0llo · 22/02/2014 18:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TwittyMcTwitterson · 22/02/2014 18:53

YANBU. don't be sad, it's not you. It really is him! I can't imagine how you feel re him choosing not to see your DD. You're better off just the two of you! Hope you feel better soon Grin Brew

KingR0llo · 22/02/2014 19:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bigboobsbertha · 22/02/2014 19:26

Depends how long youve been apart. 20 years and it might be a tad odd

Ledkr · 22/02/2014 19:27

I spoke to him and queried it but he has no I sight whatsoever because he's a thick self centred dick wad.

Original poster
PikaAchooo · 23/02/2014 08:30

When I said know what he's like I meant a general that.

She'll only know how shut a Dad he has been if he told her. It's not something I've told people that aren't friends or family. However plenty have guessed buy I think shit parents get quite good at lying and turning it all round.

It's silly, I know it is. It's just weird. Feeling better than yesterday but still a bit Sad

Ledkr he sounds awful. What is it with these men?

OP posts:
Original poster
PikaAchooo · 23/02/2014 08:30

Sorry sp on phone while trying to make breakfast

OP posts:
Ledkr · 23/02/2014 08:34

Ds can't be bothered with him but I know they are upset, dd takes it out in me eg annoyed that I didn't seen happy enough about the good news!! I but my tongue, hard.

KidsDontThinkImCool · 23/02/2014 08:55

I'm sorry that's shitty news to hear. You're right though - he will be lying his ass off to anyone and everyone who will listen. Self-centred dick wads (as ledkr so aptly put it) are very good at presenting themselves as either lovely and charming or victims. I keep waiting to hear that ex and OW are moving in together and/or getting married. Wouldn't have him back for anything but I still hate the idea.

It's not silly to feel bad about it. Just keep reminding yourself that at least he's not your self-centred dick wad anymore! Wink

Original poster
PikaAchooo · 23/02/2014 09:21

I was a bit taken aback by my Mum tbh.

She is normally supportive but just couldn't get why it would be upsetting.

I guess she's 29years married and doesn't understand. Thought after speaking to her I was some loon and nobody would be upset over it.

OP posts:
madasa · 23/02/2014 11:05

YANBU
The walking sperm donor that is my daughter's 'father' left to live in another country when she was just 3 years old and although he has supported her financially, he has never bothered much in any other way.

I remember feeling like I'd been kicked in the guts when I heard his wife was having a baby. It really hurt...not for me but for my daughter.

I think your feelings are perfectly normal. They will pass though Thanks

susiedaisy · 23/02/2014 11:08

Agree with madasa Thanks

Ledkr · 23/02/2014 11:10

Op my mum was the same "people do move on you know that's it" totally missing the point there then especially as we were brought up to hate our dad because he cheated on her.
I they not to take much notice of her tbh, it's hurtful, wouldn't be if they were as interested in their existing children.

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