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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find it upsetting that...

38 replies

PikaAchooo · 22/02/2014 17:05

ExH's girlfriend is pregnant.

I received a message from someone I don't even know by private mail on FB.

He has nothing to do with our DD (his choice).

I'm not jealous but I am a little bit sad.

Is this unusual? I told my Mum and she doesn't think there is any reason for me to be a little upset about it.

OP posts:

Frogbyanothername · 23/02/2014 11:13

What is the g/f thinking? Even if he is spouting bullshit about you being a psycho and preventing contact, she must know that there are things he could be doing about that?

Mind you, if she wants a DC and would rather the Dad wasn't around, then your ex is the perfect sperm donor, isn't he!

Its sad for your DD, but there are lots of heartwarming stories about half-siblings discovering each other and becoming friends/family as adults so she may well benefit in the long run, despite her feckless father.

bluntasabullet · 23/02/2014 11:24

Of course YANBU

He left you and your son, and now he's having a baby with someone else.

People always think jealousy is a negative thing, but it's actually a normal human feeling. Feeling sad and jealous in this situation is normal.

Sad and Jealous that he doesn't want you and is creating the "family" that you should have had. Even if you hate him, and he's done unexcusable things. It's still normal to feel this way.

All the best.

Original poster

PikaAchooo · 23/02/2014 11:37

Glad it's not just me. I think that's it though. I'm not upset for me, I don't like the man I'm just upset for my little girl. Some of the worst things he has said have included... "Should of got an abortion while you had the chance", "I don't love her", "I don't love her and want things to go back to how they were".

Obviously they all hurt me like hell at the time but it was due to this along with alcohol abuse that I left when DD was a few weeks old. I just don't understand how after saying that about his own existing daughter why would you go on to have more?

She is about 15 years older than me with 2 grown up kids so not a first time Mum or someone desperate for kids (although I guess I can't really judge that, she might be). I'm guessing the baby wasn't planned as she has just taken on a business and they have only been together for about 2 or 3 months from what I can tell. (I might have FB stalked her a little bit this morning )

OP posts:

Original poster

PikaAchooo · 23/02/2014 11:41

The thing is it's not jealousy. He didn't leave me and DD we left him. I didn't want a family scenario with him because he had turned into a horrible drunk of a man.

I have over the last couple of years tried to facilitate and encourage contact but he has always either backed out or screwed it up by having had a drink, being so hungover that he couldn't do anything with DD or one lovely time when we turned up he had been beaten black and blue and didn't think to tell me as it might upset DD.

I don't know quite how to explain the sadness it's not a sadness for what was or what could of been because he messed it all up so bad with us a happy future wouldn't have been possible. I think it's just a sadness for my little girl.

That probably makes no sense at all.

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Original poster

PikaAchooo · 23/02/2014 14:49

Just spoken to my friend who has seen ExH's girlfriend drinking...

Could it be a lie? I guess why would someone I don't know feel the need to tell me about ExH's new girlfriends pregnancy? But at the same time why would someone I don't know lie to me about it?

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 23/02/2014 15:55

"But at the same time why would someone I don't know lie to me about it? "

Could it be her ex, hoping that you would get in touch with him and it would cause problems for them?

You are in danger of being subject to someone game playing.

The best thing you can do is wait a few months, until then disengage from any gossip or speculating.

Original poster

PikaAchooo · 23/02/2014 16:14

I never replied to the message and have only told my Mum and my friend about it.

I'm not getting involved at all. Realistically it's nothing to do with me. Plus it seems a bit weird now.

You're Def right about not getting involved in gossip. I think if anyone says anything to me personally I'll just respond with 'that's nice'

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Birdsgottafly · 23/02/2014 16:25

It is your concern, in some ways, because in the future your DD may want to know any half siblings etc.

But it sounds as though either of them has an enemy and is happy to include you in their trouble causing, otherwise it would make more sense to message you once there has been a baby born.

JasonOgg · 23/02/2014 16:42

Hugs to you OP, it is a very natural reaction and YADNBU. I felt the same when I found out my exH was marrying the OW. Then I felt the same when she got pregnant and then felt the same when she had a girl - I had always wanted a sister for my DD! I actually felt pleased when I discovered she wouldn't be having any more (too old as I am) and I know thats not a nice thing to think - but was my genuine reaction.
BUT I began to realise that while I can't control how I feel about these inevitable events, I wasn't actually feeling jealous (would rather cut my own leg off than have him back!) rather it was a feeling of being off balance somehow. With me it seems I need three solid days of mulling it over and boring my very kind friends silly and then something seems to click and I almost go "right lets get on with this!"
Because I know this now, somehow it seems not so bad! Your Mums reaction is typical but not helpful. I find I have a small selection of people I can offload to before I can share with the rest of the world having processed the information myself.
It will pass, I promise. In the meantime, be kind to yourself!

Original poster

PikaAchooo · 23/02/2014 19:13

I really can't see that happening until she and the baby are old enough to decide for themselves. It won't happen in her childhood at least. So really I don't think it does concern me just now, if ever.

My Mum has apologised and then went on to continue along the lines of I don't see why it bothers you. I can't bring myself to try and explain it. I won't bring it up with her again and hopefully she won't bring it up again now she thinks she's apologised.

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jamtoast12 · 23/02/2014 19:21

I wander if its a friend of the girlfriend who has been asked to message you. Def stay clear of all of it. You sound like you're doing great without him!

Frogbyanothername · 23/02/2014 19:28

pika I know your DC is young, but don't underestimate the strength of feelings she will have to seek out her Dad and his family when she is older.

It's not unusual for young teens (13/14) to track down their absent fathers via Social media, often keeping it a secret from Mum because they don't want to upset her.

A former colleague discovered that her DD had been regularly meeting her half-sibling without her Mum knowing - it was only when she started challenging her mum about the history with her (absent) dad that it came out.

Original poster

PikaAchooo · 23/02/2014 19:43

Frog I understand that fully. I'm not saying I will like it but I will support her in it. When I say childhood I meant in her younger years. Once she is a teenager if she chooses that then I would never stand in her way.

She has contact with every member of the family apart from him too. I really have tried the best that I can for her to know them and see them regularly.

I just hope that if she does get in touch with him he won't break her heart and from going on the past that's exactly what he will do.

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