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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if my daughter can come to the wedding?

454 replies

splasheeny · 22/02/2014 14:46

A very good friend is getting married, she was my only bridesmaid when I got married. She has moved away from me and I don't see her very often now, but we do stay in touch. I was hurt she didn't ask me to be bridesmaid, but haven't said anything.

The wedding is on the same weekend ans my dd's birthday, and in the middle of nowhere, some distance from where we live, so it will involve spending the weekend there (plus getting annual leave for travelling, something which I am not sure if will even be granted).

I am already planning my dd's birthday party for the week prior, as even if we were able to get back in time for her birthday, we wouldn't have time to plan a party the same weekend. I also don't know what we would do for childcare, and it feels mean to leave dd for her birthday. It will also cost a lot for hotel, transport, and childcare, which we could afford but would be at the expense of other things.

The wedding is not child free.

Wibu to ask if dd can come? Timing and location of the wedding really make things really difficult. I don't know if its rude to ask, would it be better to no go? I'm tempted to say could she come, she wouldn't even need a chair and can eat off my plate. AIBU?

OP posts:
Bearbehind · 23/02/2014 18:06

OP, does she know the wedding day is your daughters birthday?

What reason has she given you for not inviting her when other children are attending?

If you are unable to answer either of these questions I think you have to accept that you are just not that close anymore so you prioritising your daughters birthday over her wedding day probably isn't going to make her lose any sleep.

Original poster
splasheeny · 23/02/2014 18:08

Yes I was surprised. We still talk a lot. I understand there is a tradition of not asking married women, but I would have thought that my daughter could have been a flower girl in that case. She does know dd well, in fact she would have been her godmother had we got her christened.

OP posts:
feckawwf · 23/02/2014 18:09

I defo wouldn't leave my child on their birthday for a wedding (although my husband had an operation on ds' birthday a few days ago and we both left him for thatHmmslightly different tho...) so you have a choice-be "rude" and ask or decline! I don't think you would be unreasonable either way!

verdiletta · 23/02/2014 18:14

I've never been to a child-free wedding, they must be unusual surely? I think people probably get miffed as it is very traditional and normal to have kids whizzing around, and in light of that having a child-free wedding could be perceived as 'we hate kids'.
I have to say the only children that would annoy me at a wedding are my own, so it's great to ditch them. Other people's kids are great because they're not your problem and you can get as drunk as you like.

Original poster
splasheeny · 23/02/2014 18:14

Bear she has been to dds first 2 birthdays, so I would imagine she would realise it must be near her birthday.

She said she is only inviting family children, for budget reasons. I am disappointed though that she couldn't include dd as we were at least close. I also know her budget is big: her parents have given her a 5 figure amount to spend.

OP posts:
Refoca · 23/02/2014 18:19

I don't think it would be rude at all if you called her for a chat, rxplained about yhe clash with dd's 4th birthday and asked if e could come too. Say she doesn't need to answer right now, you appreciate how hard planning seating/waitig for replies to know numbers etc is and you don't want to put her on the spot.

What's the worst that can happen...we'll see a 'aibu to say no to my friend's request to bring her 4 year old to my wedding?' And she'll worry loads too but your friendship will outlast it regardless of what your/her actions are that follow as long as everyone is grown up and honest about it.

Bearbehind · 23/02/2014 18:19

Splash, I was unfortunate enough to be involved in a wedding last year where the usual perfectly rational bride, turned into the bridezilla from hell.

It doesn't sound like she is giving your friendship any consideration, either because she feels you have drifted apart, or more likely, because she is hellbent on a dream wedding.

Speak to her, tell her you don't think you can leave DD on her birthday and see what her reaction is. Either way, you'll find out what her priorities are.

Original poster
splasheeny · 23/02/2014 18:21

Bear there may be some truth about the bridezilla.

She has a dedicated wedding blog.

OP posts:
Bearbehind · 23/02/2014 18:23

There isn't an eye roll icon but I think you've just solved your dilemma! Grin

TamerB · 23/02/2014 18:24

I just wouldn't go-too much hassle and my children's birthdays always come first with me.

truelymadlysleepy · 23/02/2014 18:25

splashy you have a social responsibility to send us a link to the blog Wink

likeneverbefore · 23/02/2014 18:34

It's this bit:

"I would have thought that my daughter could have been a flower girl"

that makes you seem unreasonable to me.

It isn't your wedding - maybe your friend doesn't even want any flower girls? Or if she does, maybe she's chosen children who are special to her for whatever reason.

It's coming across a bit tit for tat "you were my bridesmaid, you owe me" and it doesn't really work like that, in my mind.

You had your wedding your way - you wanted her as bridesmaid, she obliged.

Now it's time for her to do things her way.

Bearbehind · 23/02/2014 18:41

There's a big difference between thinking your daughter might be a bridesmaid/ flower girl and her not even being invited.

I think the OP is just being honest in what she thought might happen, rightly or wrongly, we've all done it.

As I said before, I've seen first hand the completely irrational decisions a bridezilla can make, and think that the crux of this problem is the tunnel vision this bride seems to have.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 23/02/2014 18:44

I know all my friend's birthdays as I write them on my birthday calendar when they are born. DH and I got married on my ex bosses birthday, not that I had remembered it was her birthday but I wouldn't have chosen a child in the family's birthday I don't think.

All family weddings except one have invited our children. I was disappointed not to be able to go as I love weddings but it was their choice and we respected that.

dancingwithmyselfandthecat · 23/02/2014 18:45

I just don't see why someone's wedding is a good way to celebrate your DDs birthday.

Its a long day, surrounded by strangers and requiring best behaviour. Hell I would be miffed about spending my birthday at someone's wedding and I'm thirty!

If there is no way you can pretend her birthday is the day before and you don't want to be away from your DD don't go. Chances of it being a fun 4th for her are minimal.

Truly, is your real issue just that you are miffed about her not being invited in the first place? Because the flowergirl reference suggests it. I am sure its not a personal slight on your DD. Its either budget (five figures is only 10k - and that can get eaten up by a fancy wedding) or wanting a more adult tone to the party. Family children are different. Its just the way it goes.

likeneverbefore · 23/02/2014 18:45

I honestly don't see that it's a big deal - you just decline politely and focus on your DD's birthday (one of my DD's turns 4 this summer and I wouldn't miss it for the world, so I don't think YABU about that!)

I do think it's strange to think through what roles yourself and your family may play in someone else's wedding.

A couple in my family got engaged recently - I haven't the foggiest if we'll be invited or not, I certainly haven't started assigning roles to people.

Just decline politely, OP.

likeneverbefore · 23/02/2014 18:50

Sorry to suggest this, OP, but is there any chance that this friend is 'phasing you out' and is hoping the date clash plus childfree aspect will mean you decline?

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 23/02/2014 18:52

Maybe it is different because this is your friend but what would you do if it was a family member getting married?

I wouldn't decline a wedding invite because the marriage was taking place on my child's birthday.

mootime · 23/02/2014 19:15

I find it amazing that people are so outraged that you might ask!
Surely the bride is a friend and friends can talk about things. Call her, explain the situation. You'd love to go, but it's dd's birthday (which she probably already knows), if there is any chance you can bring her that would be great, but if not then no worries.

People get funny about weddings and children. When you don't have children you have no idea how important/ difficult things can be. Also when not in the midst of your own wedding fever you can forget how all consuming making the "perfect day" can be. Good luck OP!

squoosh · 23/02/2014 19:20

Me too, baffled at the idea that people baulk at the idea of someone having a conversation with a close friend.

Quinteszilla · 23/02/2014 19:25

Having only family children at a wedding is reasonable. Free for all could potentially mean twice the price. And the bride may not want to between 1/3-1/2 of the guests to be children.

If your child was invited, all other friends children would have to be invited too.

If you dont want to leave your daughter, just decline the invite. Bride has clearly thought it through and your dd is not invited.

It is up to you whether you let this ruin the friendship or not. Weddings are not tit for tat.

OddFodd · 23/02/2014 19:29

From my POV, I don't see the point of having the conversation. I'm not married, never have been, never will be but I'd imagine the guestlist is pretty carefully planned. And as OP now (finally) admits, children are family only. She's not family. There's got to be a cut off and surely family kids only is the kindest and least controversial way to go.

OP you've not been entirely truthful on this thread. It's not a 'children invited' wedding; it's a 'family children invited' wedding. Not the same

SingMoreWhenYoureWinning · 23/02/2014 19:39

We are getting married soon.

We have invited around 70 adults and 12 children (including our own).

There are many of the invitees who have been invited only as an individual or as a couple. There are some friends who I know have children, but have no relationship with the children myself, who have had the kids left out.

If people roll their eyes and moan then I couldn't really give a stuff. If they don't want to leave their precious darlings for a day then they can decline the invite.

If we invited all the kids of all the couples who are coming, we'd have 30+ kids there. I just don't want that sort of dynamic on my wedding day, it would be like a bloody creche.

Bearbehind · 23/02/2014 19:46

If they don't want to leave their precious darlings for a day then they can decline the invite.

Nice attitude to have towards your nearest and dearest Hmm

JerseySpud · 23/02/2014 19:59

I can't understand why you would just assume your dd would be flower girl. My best friend gets married in a couple of months.

In no way did i assume either of my dd's would be bridesmaids or flower girls. They aren't invited. I sorted childcare.