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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if my daughter can come to the wedding?

454 replies

splasheeny · 22/02/2014 14:46

A very good friend is getting married, she was my only bridesmaid when I got married. She has moved away from me and I don't see her very often now, but we do stay in touch. I was hurt she didn't ask me to be bridesmaid, but haven't said anything.

The wedding is on the same weekend ans my dd's birthday, and in the middle of nowhere, some distance from where we live, so it will involve spending the weekend there (plus getting annual leave for travelling, something which I am not sure if will even be granted).

I am already planning my dd's birthday party for the week prior, as even if we were able to get back in time for her birthday, we wouldn't have time to plan a party the same weekend. I also don't know what we would do for childcare, and it feels mean to leave dd for her birthday. It will also cost a lot for hotel, transport, and childcare, which we could afford but would be at the expense of other things.

The wedding is not child free.

Wibu to ask if dd can come? Timing and location of the wedding really make things really difficult. I don't know if its rude to ask, would it be better to no go? I'm tempted to say could she come, she wouldn't even need a chair and can eat off my plate. AIBU?

OP posts:
soverylucky · 23/02/2014 15:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Somersetlady · 23/02/2014 15:53

peeking duck you sound like an immensely likeable, well rounded and level headed person!

Bearbehind · 23/02/2014 15:53

That was really the point I was trying to make 2rebecca, even if the bride doesn't remember the date of OP's DD's birthday, it seems alien to me that it hasn't come up in conversation if they are supposed to be such good friends.

MistressDeeCee · 23/02/2014 15:55

YANBU. Just decline invitation. I dont 'get' why people want child-free weddings its unsociable and smacks of being too precious. 'You can come but dont bring your children'. Actually, why not? Do they spoil the photos? The message it sends out is horrible. Perhaps children are a nuisance, should be seen and not heard and parents suddenly lose control of them simply because its a wedding so they run amok. Could make them a parent-free zone I guess, that would solve all issues. Anyway you could ask I suppose but if its a 'No' well then, at least you've asked and thats that. Sounds like too much hassle tho tbh

Writerwannabe83 · 23/02/2014 15:58

I dont 'get' why people want child-free weddings its unsociable and smacks of being too precious

Or it's just not possible because of space and cost...

FamiliesShareGerms · 23/02/2014 16:04

I've never known "child free" apply to a four week old bf baby, that's astounding - and happy as I am to respect B&G wishes on most things, this would have been a red line for me . How on earth can you attend, never mind enjoy, a wedding with leaky boobs and your tiny baby being brought to you for feeds??!

Anyway, don't want to de-rail the thread!

Writerwannabe83 · 23/02/2014 16:06

I completely agree families - although we didn't invite children, if any of our friends had babies (say under a year old) then their baby would automatically be invited. We would never have asked our friends parents to leave behind such a young and dependent infant.

squoosh · 23/02/2014 16:06

I completely get why people might want a child free wedding.

Writerwannabe83 · 23/02/2014 16:07

I meant we would never have asked our parent friends to leave behind such a young and dependent infant.

HotDogHotDogHotDiggityDog · 23/02/2014 16:10

I'm planning a mostly child free wedding. Only DD, nieces and nephews invited. So 8 children in total.

My reason? I don't want loads of children running around.
If I invited all the children of my guests, there will quite possibly be more children than adults. I would have to look for a venue other than the one I want (too small) put on some kind of children's entertainment, different menu, more £ per head etc.
Also, I want to have a good drink and a dance with my friends and family. I don't want to feel I can't talk about certain things because little ears are listening. I don't want other guests, who've chosen not to bring kids, feel like they can't talk openly or have a good drink.
I want to dance without tripping over some little boy skidding on their knees or doing the aeroplane.

If that means some people won't go because they hate child free weddings. So be it.

I'm paying for it!

Somersetlady · 23/02/2014 16:11

mistress lets make all nightclubs and pubs child inclusive too and maybe we should bring them to work whilst we are at it? Afterall they don't need attention' looking after have special dietary requests or act like children rather than adults

Peekingduck · 23/02/2014 16:17

"peeking duck you sound like an immensely likeable, well rounded and level headed person!"

Oh! (Preens feathers). Blush

soverylucky · 23/02/2014 16:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Peekingduck · 23/02/2014 16:23

What is it about weddings that makes people behave so strangely? You know what, for a lot of people a wedding is simply a recognition of their union and an opportunity to celebrate it with friends. Surely they can choose how they want to celebrate? I mean, if you were invited to a 50th birthday celebration where there was a nice meal followed by dancing, would people get het up if their children weren't invited to that?

MistressDeeCee I was actually shocked by your post. "Horrible" - really? Someone invites you to share an occasion with them and pays for you to be there, and you'd say they were horrible because they didn't want children to come along? That's madness.

Actually, I feel a bit sorry for anyone who can't imagine going along to a nice day out like a wedding and being able to enjoy themselves without the Ankle Biters. Grin

Moreisnnogedag · 23/02/2014 16:25

I just don't get this. I can't imagine being offended for someone asking a question and thinking back I don't remember whether we put people's children down on the invites because I thought it was a given that they'd be coming. If DC weren't invited it was down to oversight rather than anything else.

Surely in real life people aren't this het up about a celebration? Just ask.

Somersetlady · 23/02/2014 16:29

soverlucky a good wedding involves usually alcohol, dancing and staying up into the smalls hours with adult behaviour and conversation in much the same way as a nightclub does!

You don't expect your children to be invited to an adult night out in bars or clubs so why the horror of them not being invited to a wedding?

Somersetlady · 23/02/2014 16:32

moreis it's the point of putting the bride and groom on the spot as in above threads at least ask in writing so they have time for a considered response and are not pressurised into agreeing to something they would have invited if they had wanted there.

I dont know any marrying couples that do not give serious thought and consideration to the invite list children and adults alike or that accidentally miss off people they want to share their special day!

soverylucky · 23/02/2014 16:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
splasheeny · 23/02/2014 16:49

This thread just shows how controversial this situation is.

Turning down the invite would be the easiest thing to do, but would have the potential to offend/ruin our friendship.

I do agree that she must not value our friendship as much now to not invite me to be bridesmaid/not invite daughter to be flower girl and not even invite her.

I want to talk to her, as I would do with a close friend and explain that this is a difficult situation.

OP posts:
apermanentheadache · 23/02/2014 16:56

Follow your heart: talk to her. I am sure you can find a solution or mutual understanding, at least.

MistressDeeCee · 23/02/2014 17:22

If Im inviting a family then I invite the family, end of story. Mind you the most outlandish wedding stories I tend to see are on Mumsnet AIBU in real-life Ive never been invited to a child-free wedding or come across some of the bizarre situations that occur for a wedding day. Still, if parents can't come as they dont' have childcare Im pretty sure the bride will understand, OP; you're not a 'single' and these things happen you're probably not the only one with this dilemma.

JanineStHubbins · 23/02/2014 17:24

If Im inviting a family then I invite the family, end of story.

What if you only want to invite the couple?

wishful75 · 23/02/2014 17:36

Just ask, perfectly reasonable to...you were close. Don't get the rude responses about asking, fgs does nobody talk anymore?

too precious

chunkythighs · 23/02/2014 17:46

Aye, op the people holding and paying for the party are totally unreasonable.

Not only would I not bother to ask if you can bring your daughter- just dress her up as a flower girl, you can go a substitute bridesmaid and sit up at the top table.

I really cannot understand why she won't focus on you and your daughter on her wedding day. I'm also at a total loss as to why you are no longer close!!!!!

YouAreTalkingRubbish · 23/02/2014 17:53

OP, I don't think you should assume that she does not value your friendship anymore. Are you really suprised that she didn't ask you to be bridesmaid? You mention that you don't see each other much now that she has moved and she can't know your DD very well.