to ask if my daughter can come to the wedding?

[splasheeny]

A very good friend is getting married, she was my only bridesmaid when I got married. She has moved away from me and I don't see her very often now, but we do stay in touch. I was hurt she didn't ask me to be bridesmaid, but haven't said anything.

The wedding is on the same weekend ans my dd's birthday, and in the middle of nowhere, some distance from where we live, so it will involve spending the weekend there (plus getting annual leave for travelling, something which I am not sure if will even be granted).

I am already planning my dd's birthday party for the week prior, as even if we were able to get back in time for her birthday, we wouldn't have time to plan a party the same weekend. I also don't know what we would do for childcare, and it feels mean to leave dd for her birthday. It will also cost a lot for hotel, transport, and childcare, which we could afford but would be at the expense of other things.

The wedding is not child free.

Wibu to ask if dd can come? Timing and location of the wedding really make things really difficult. I don't know if its rude to ask, would it be better to no go? I'm tempted to say could she come, she wouldn't even need a chair and can eat off my plate. AIBU?

It's a budget way into the 5 figures, I was trying not to out myself by giving so many details.

I have never said anything about her not involving me or my daughter in the wedding, but don't think it is unreasonable to think given she was my bridesmaid not very long ago it would be likely to happen.

As I said earlier, none of our friends have children, so inviting them would not inverse numbers much, and she does know dd well. She even went with my to my antenatal ultrasounds.

Be careful so you dont end up a guestzilla.....

No seriously. It does not matter what her budget is, how many children are from family (could be just 5, and perhaps reluctantly), or whether she was at your ultrasound, or your bridesmaid. She was there at your wish on all those occasions. Why cant you now do as she wishes? An adult occasion for her wedding!

She sounds like a great friend and a great support to you. Dont be so pfb and child-centric that you expect that she is supportive to you and your child also on her wedding day!

Maybe she wants you to dance and have fun, mingle with other adults, rather than sit with your 3 year old on your lap, and fret over whether she eats, or needs a nap!

OMG quinteszilla- maybe that's why I truly don't understand bridezilla type behaviour. Are you really saying that everything that has gone before in a friendship goes out of the window because some one wants a certain type of wedding?

No, I am saying it does not matter what wedding Bride A had, Bride B gets to plan the wedding that she wants irrespective of what Bride A did.

I am also saying that it is Bride Bs choice to have a wedding with a limited number of children if that is what she wants, and that the friend now getting married seems to have been very supportive of the OP and considerate of her needs, but maybe on HER wedding day, she gets to consider her own wishes?

Sorry but I think if you were close enough to be a bridesmaid and attend someone's antenatal ultrasounds then you might want to give a shit about the implications of them attending your non-child free wedding without their child.

I think you should just be honest with her (you say she's a good friend after all), and say that you'd love to attend her wedding but it's your DD's birthday that weekend and don't want to be away from her.

She may well say, oh well bring her then. Or, she won't.

Her budget is irrelevant. She doesn't have to invite your DD, or any other children. And don't whatever you do offer to pay for her, that's just cheeky.

Yet another wedding thread where I just don't understand what the issue is. She invited you plus 1 to her wedding. That's who she invited. By all means call her to ask her if you could bring your daughter and put her in the position where she has to reiterate to you that just you and her plus one are invited (that, or in the position where she feels she has to invite your daughter because you rang to ask, which means other guests in the same position will be miffed).

It's quite simple: if you don't want to leave your daughter with anyone close to you for the time it takes to attend the wedding, just say you can't go.

By the way, does having someone as your bridesmaid automatically mean they ask you to be theirs (no matter what the intervening circs) or is that some new unwritten MN rule?

Bearbehind - it's the truth though.

If invited friends simply can't do without their kids for the day, or can't find childcare then they'll have to decline.

Why is that a shit attitude to have?

What Singmore said. I am getting married shortly - we are having family children and those of the bridal party. A few children - fine. A load - nope. I'd prefer it to be a mostly adult occasion and for the people there to be focused on mingling and dancing rather than policing their children.

I do find it interesting that 2 people who are getting married soon have the 'it's my day I'll do what I want attitude'

If your friends have children, why are they less welcome than your family's children?

I can understand completely child free weddings but not selectively child free ones.

And people wonder what makes a bridezilla.....

Why do I want to have 20+ kids i've never met at my wedding?

I have friends at work who i'm quite close to and are hence invited - never met their kids.

It has nothing to do with being a bridezilla. Just don't really fancy shelling out an extra £600 (the cost for another 20 kids) just to turn my wedding into something alike to a creche.

Do you have a problem with brides Bear?

I really don't see why someone is being a bridezilla for not wanting loads of children to a party (because that's what it is) that they are paying £££'s for.

Some people (parents) also need to realise that everyone else's life and decisions/plans should change just because they have a child.

It goes both ways.

That post hardly makes sense

You know what I mean though.

If you can honestly say it's their presence rather than their presents you are after then fair enough but a work colleague is a very different situation to someone for whom you were bridesmaid.

I was going to say YABU, it's their wedding and their day and you shouldn't presume to say can your dd go. Just suck it up and go!
HOWEVER, it's on her birthday. No way would I be comfortable with not being there for my kids on their birthday.
I'd say I couldn't get the childcare and not go. (Doubt child free people would know how it feels to leave their small kids on their birthday.)

It's a bit rude to say that childless people don't understand childcare issues - none of us live such isolated lives that people don't understand issues like this.

Sometimes people just want to spend time with other adults. Having children at any event changes it and, yes, some of them are badly behaved, demanding and some adults (either parents or childless) feel inhibited.

Apart from my own, or my nephews, I'm not keen on the company of children and would actually prefer to go to a child-free wedding than one where other peoples little darlings are running around.

When you have children you know that your life is going to change and that there are some things you are not going to be able to do. If you don't want to leave your children to go somewhere where they aren't invited, don't go.

Personally, I rather be anywhere than at a child's birthday party....especially one of my own!

I don't have a problem with rational brides but those who think the day is all about them without a thought for very close friends piss me off.

Work colleagues, 3rd cousins twice removed fair enough but not close friends.

I have only mentioned the budget as others have said she may not be invited sue to the budget.

The point is she does know dd well.

I will talk to her tomorrow.

Sometimes people just want to spend time with other adults. Having children at any event changes it and, yes, some of them are badly behaved, demanding and some adults (either parents or childless) feel inhibited.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE child free weddings prefer them to ones with kids actually as it means I can relax and not watch mine charge around like loons
It would pee me off that a so called close friend arranged her wedding for my small child's birthday though.

Bear, I kind of get what you're saying. Some people do go a bit nuts about their weddings but bloody hell, it is all about the couple getting married. they are the ones paying for it. Otherwise it's just an expensive party for no reason whatsoever.

That would be ridiculous unless you were rich and loved throwing parties

The purpose of the day is for 2 people to make a commitment to each other, that needs them and a couple witnesses. If the couple chose to extend that, they should consider the feelings of their guests, particularly close friends.

Re the work colleague's children not being invited as the bride doesn't know them - have these colleagues partners been invited as, presumably the bride doesn't know them very well (if at all) either?

Bear you sound v nice, considerate, and sensible.

The conspicuous consumption around some weddings makes me feel quite sick. It should be about love and making a public commitment, and having a top knees-up. Just because it's your big day doesn't make it ok to disregard others' feelings. The number of weddings I've been to which involve driving for 8 hours, spending a fortune on hotels, gifts, making hugely complicated childcare arrangements, having to apply for authorisef leave from DD'S school, work etc., because yhe wedding's on a Tuesday or whatever....

What's wrong with the church/reg office down the road and a great party near to where the couple live? Why does everything have to be so bloody lavish these days?!

apermanentheadache - because there's such a hype around the whole process of getting married - wedding fairs, those awful Brides mags, coverage of opulent celebrity weddings and then the endless messages that this is the best day of your life etc etc. People seem to just think "wedding" now and spend years planning it without thinking of the future. Sometimes I think some people actually forget that after this amazing, lavish wedding they are a) probably going to have to pay for it and b) live with this person for many years. Of course, some of those then go on to have the lavish honeymoon in order to prolong the fantasy for a bit longer.....

We got married in Vegas, in the middle of summer, while we were at a conference. Two colleagues were witnesses. Neither of us had anything resembling wedding clothes, no flowers, no favours, no arguments about who to invite etc. Just us, our colleagues (who were 2 friends of my DH), a tacky, smelly chapel and a slightly dodgy priest (think he was a priest - we weren't too sure....), then back to the hotel for burgers. Bliss

Seriously Dinah ??????
Two people decide to get married.
They have to tie up finding a day that suits both of them all of their parents, their best man and bridesmaids (at a minimum, I'd say add siblings into the mix for many, too), with a day that they can also get the venue they want for the Reception, a venue for the ceremony (if different), officiants, time off work, etc., maybe a time when they can afford the honeymoon they want, and you would seriously then expect them to start looking through the whole of their guest list, to see if the one day they can find then clashes with the birthdays of the relatives of any guests ????

I really can't believe you lot. Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill!!

Phone the friend.
Tell her it is DD's birthday.
Say can we both come or shall we just send a card
Done