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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if my daughter can come to the wedding?

454 replies

splasheeny · 22/02/2014 14:46

A very good friend is getting married, she was my only bridesmaid when I got married. She has moved away from me and I don't see her very often now, but we do stay in touch. I was hurt she didn't ask me to be bridesmaid, but haven't said anything.

The wedding is on the same weekend ans my dd's birthday, and in the middle of nowhere, some distance from where we live, so it will involve spending the weekend there (plus getting annual leave for travelling, something which I am not sure if will even be granted).

I am already planning my dd's birthday party for the week prior, as even if we were able to get back in time for her birthday, we wouldn't have time to plan a party the same weekend. I also don't know what we would do for childcare, and it feels mean to leave dd for her birthday. It will also cost a lot for hotel, transport, and childcare, which we could afford but would be at the expense of other things.

The wedding is not child free.

Wibu to ask if dd can come? Timing and location of the wedding really make things really difficult. I don't know if its rude to ask, would it be better to no go? I'm tempted to say could she come, she wouldn't even need a chair and can eat off my plate. AIBU?

OP posts:
Somersetlady · 23/02/2014 14:34

apermanentheadache I loathe the preciousness around people who think everything should revolve around their PFBs the "it's all about my kids", mummy type sentiment. It stinks.

Somersetlady · 23/02/2014 14:38

aper I also agree with your second statement if she doesn't want to attend without her dc then just decline! Don't put the bride on the spot to change her wedding plans and invitees to suit the OPs wishes!

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 23/02/2014 14:50

DH and I declined an evening only invite as Baby DS wasn't invited and I told the Bride we had no one to have him. She said bring him then. I was a bit Confused as to why he wasn't on the invite if he was allowed to go.

If everyone just knew that if your name isn't on the invite then you aren't invited then it would make life easier.

apermanentheadache · 23/02/2014 14:56

I don't think it's all about my kids and the world should revolve around them. I have a very close group of friends who know they can rely on me, and me on them. I don't take them for granted. I'd just never be prepared to leave either of my children overnight on their birthday.

Bearbehind · 23/02/2014 15:04

I know it been said before but I completely agree that if your bridesmaid can't even remember the date of your daughters birthday (it's only 4 years fgs), hasn't asked you to be bridesmaid and doesn't want your child to attend a wedding where other children will be present, then she clearly doesn't see the friendship the way you do.

FamiliesShareGerms · 23/02/2014 15:06

I'm willing to say that I would leave my children on their birthday, especially for a good friend's wedding. Hopefully they would only get married once, but my children will have loads of birthdays. Just move the party etc forward or back a few days if you really want to go to the wedding.

FamiliesShareGerms · 23/02/2014 15:08

Has anyone said that the bride has forgotten the OP's daughter's birthday? I wasn't aware that in setting the date couples are also supposed to check that their wedding doesn't clash with anyone's birthday.

Bearbehind · 23/02/2014 15:19

Surely when planning your wedding if the date was that of someone you were bridesmaid to's daughter it would ring a bell and you'd mention it at some point prior to the wedding.

I think the OP is as much to blame if that's the right phrase, if one on my bridesmaids told me her wedding date and it was my daughters birthday I'd have said 'ooh, that's dd's birthday too' or something. It doesn't sound like they talk very much.

Writerwannabe83 · 23/02/2014 15:23

A difficult situation...

When I got married we only had one child there and that was only because she was 11 and family. We didn't include any of our friend's children on the invites due to space and cost issues. None of our friends minded and they all still came - Weddings I imagine are quite dull for children and I imagine some parents would rather relax and enjoy themselves as opposed to worrying what the child was up to. My own nice and nephew didn't come to my Wedding (although I wanted them there) as my sister said she'd prefer to come without them!!

Definitely don't ask your friend if your DD can come - if they'd had wanted to include her then they would have done. The B&G will have their reasons as to why she wasn't included and to make them feel bad for that or put them under pressure to change their mind is poor form.

However - why would you want to make your daughter spend her birthday at a Wedding?? Surely there are a 101 other things she'd rather do???? Either don't go to the Wedding and have a lovely time with your daughter, or go to the Wedding without her and then celebrate her birthday on another day.

If your concern is about making sure your daughter's birthday is a special day then dragging her to someone's Wedding probably isn't the right way to go.....

Somersetlady · 23/02/2014 15:23

aper but what you actually said was:

I loathe the preciousness around weddings, the "it's all about meeeeeee", bridezilla-type sentiment. It stinks.

Weddings are generally about the bride and groom. If the OP wants to spend the birthday day/ evening with her daughter then she should just get on and do this. It's the entitlement of thinking it's acceptable to request an extra invite for anybody that is bad from in mho.

soverylucky · 23/02/2014 15:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Writerwannabe83 · 23/02/2014 15:30

Why do you hate child free weddings sovery ??

apermanentheadache · 23/02/2014 15:35

Sovery, I think you have it spot on.

soverylucky · 23/02/2014 15:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

soontobeslendergirl · 23/02/2014 15:37

I hate child free weddings that are deliberately child free rather than just because people don't happen to have children because for me it is all about celebrating and being together and to deliberately exclude people just because they happen to be children isn't nice. So on my wedding, I get to make the choice, other people are entitled to do the same.

Imo, to turn up at an occasion with an extra uninvited guest is unbelievably rude. It is also extremely unfair on those who bothered to make arrangements for their own child to come to the wedding if you just turn up with your own child.

Bunbaker · 23/02/2014 15:40

I can't answer for sovery but I view weddings as family affairs, and in my experience they have always been family affairs, which means including children. Most weddings I have been to have had mostly family with just a handful of friends.

When OH and I got married I only invited four friends, the rest were family. SIL was the only one with children and it never occurred to me not to invite the children as well. In any case any childcare she might have had was at the wedding anyway.

Writerwannabe83 · 23/02/2014 15:40

Apart from the 11 year old there are no other children in my family Smile Well, apart from my niece and nephew (aged 4 and 7) but like I said, my sister didn't want them to come. We had a 10 year old come to the Evening Reception who befriended the 11 year old Smile

I don't see why Weddings are dull without children?
What is it exactly that attending children do that make the day fun for the adult guests?? Or do you mean you don't find the Wedding fun if you are specifically separated from your own children?

hootloop · 23/02/2014 15:41

I have another thought, although I will be flamed for it. Maybe bride just doesn't like OPs daughter (or her behaviour)and does just want OP there. I know we have purposely drifted apart from previously very close friends because the parent very differently to us and it is difficult to watch.

Writerwannabe83 · 23/02/2014 15:42

If we did have lots of children in the family (and so were obviously related to me) then they have been invited but only because they are direct family - I still wouldn't have invited the children of my friends.

soverylucky · 23/02/2014 15:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Peekingduck · 23/02/2014 15:47

I love child free weddings. It's nice to have time away from the children as a couple. I feel cheated if I go to a child free wedding and there are children there. Grin
What makes a child free wedding enjoyable is the opportunity to have a nice meal together with other (hopefully!) friendly adults, have a conversation and laugh over the table. When it comes to the dancing the dance floor isn't taken over by small people running about bashing into legs and getting accidentally stamped on.

What rule says that a wedding has to be a family affair and celebration? My DH and I have small families, and anyway, we see more of our friends than we do the family, so it was great to share our day and celebrate with friends and family together. And no children. Grin
A wedding is to recognise and celebrate a life-long partnership, but these days the emphasis is not so much on having and raising a family.
Has anyone considered that sometimes, just sometimes, the couple might want a child free wedding because they know that they themselves can't have children of their own?

2rebecca · 23/02/2014 15:49

re Bearbehind's point, do lots of women really remember when the birthdays of their friends' children are? I've only been bridesmaid once and am still in contact with this friend although we now live several hours apart. We have no idea when each others' kids' birthdays are though, but I'd have no problem at all mentioning it if I was invited to a party on a birthday. It sounds a poor friendship if you can't even approach the friend about this issue.

Somersetlady · 23/02/2014 15:49

But this completely misses the point of the bride and groom wanting to share their special day with those they wish to invite.

Many brides might not have personal relationships with the children of guests but do with the guests themselves. As someone who got married pre children apart from my two goddaughters 3 and 11 we were not close enough to anyone elses children to want them there.

This has nothing to do with anything so dramatic as splitting up families presumably you poor people making these sweeping statements don't ever leave your children to go to work or god forbid socialise?

Children do change the atmosphere and dynamic of an event especially when there are many of them. They don't all sit there perfectly quietly through a church service reception and speeches. When you had or have your weddings you were entitled to invite who you wished and if that include a creche load of kids then good on you but there is no reason any bride and groom should be asked to have a child or children at a wedding when they have decided they don't want to invite children.

soverylucky · 23/02/2014 15:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

soontobeslendergirl · 23/02/2014 15:52

When my niece got married, they had a child free wedding. My son was only a year old at the time and I was also heavily pregnant. We managed to get a friend to care for him for the day time and we went to the ceremony and meal and home for the evening to put him to bed etc. and missed the evening reception. Another guest had a 4 week old whom she was breastfeeding and had family bring him along to be fed and take him away again. Then a couple turned up with a a baby and toddler assuming they were invited. Neither me or the other guest were very happy.

A few years down the line, my niece had her own son and her Aunt got remarried and didn't invite children and she was very annoyed as it meant they couldn't attend. I don't think she saw the irony.

I know that people have budgets and ideas for their own weddings and that is their choice, and the invited guests have to take their own decision on whether they want to accept the event they have been invited to. You can't get to dictate what the invite contains I'm afraid.