Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if my daughter can come to the wedding?

454 replies

splasheeny · 22/02/2014 14:46

A very good friend is getting married, she was my only bridesmaid when I got married. She has moved away from me and I don't see her very often now, but we do stay in touch. I was hurt she didn't ask me to be bridesmaid, but haven't said anything.

The wedding is on the same weekend ans my dd's birthday, and in the middle of nowhere, some distance from where we live, so it will involve spending the weekend there (plus getting annual leave for travelling, something which I am not sure if will even be granted).

I am already planning my dd's birthday party for the week prior, as even if we were able to get back in time for her birthday, we wouldn't have time to plan a party the same weekend. I also don't know what we would do for childcare, and it feels mean to leave dd for her birthday. It will also cost a lot for hotel, transport, and childcare, which we could afford but would be at the expense of other things.

The wedding is not child free.

Wibu to ask if dd can come? Timing and location of the wedding really make things really difficult. I don't know if its rude to ask, would it be better to no go? I'm tempted to say could she come, she wouldn't even need a chair and can eat off my plate. AIBU?

OP posts:
likeneverbefore · 24/02/2014 21:44

You said in your OP you may not even be able to get annual leave to go to this wedding - when will you find that out?

Yika · 24/02/2014 21:46

Honestly, I'd be hurt in your position. She doesn't want children there as a general rule, but you are old friends and have explained your particular circumstances. Still she said no. I think you are being very generous and understanding to rise above it and put it down to a temporary bridezilla effect.I would also be torn, wanting to maintain the friendship yet be there for your DD. I hate declining something as special as a wedding but I think I probably would in this case.

hoobypickypicky · 24/02/2014 21:49

No, splasheeny, I'm not stalking you. If I were I hope I'd do a better job of it than this. Grin I was raising the fact that I was confused about an inconsistency in your thread, which as it's on a public discussion forum is open to discussion from, well, members of the public. Like, um, me. :)

Original poster
splasheeny · 24/02/2014 21:54

Likenever I don't know as I will be working a different job then (fixed tern contract). I would hope to be able to get annual leave, but it would depend on the business needs so is by no means guaranteed.

OP posts:
Original poster
splasheeny · 24/02/2014 21:57

I need to book dd's birthday soon (we were going to hire a very popular venue). Now I wonder if I should book her birthday party for the week before, or just say sod it and book it on her birthday.

OP posts:
Supercosy · 24/02/2014 21:57

Well I think you were right to ask. You now know exactly where you stand albeit not in a great situation. Her decision does seem harsh I agree given the circumstances but you've been honest and up front with her she's been honest and up front with you. In your shoes, bearing in mind all of the problems there are in getting to the wedding in addition to it being your Dd's birthday, I would decline but I understand your wanting to be there for your friend.

likeneverbefore · 24/02/2014 21:58

Hmm, that's tricky then.

You know, I wouldn't necessarily see it as a slight that she doesn't want your DD there (though I totally understand your predicament with regards to her birthday).

Perhaps she just feels that she wants you to be 'present' if you are going to be there. I have never taken my young DC to weddings and never will. I want to go and enjoy the day, not spend the whole thing making sure my DC are on best behaviour and sorting them out - perhaps that's what she's worried about with you?

likeneverbefore · 24/02/2014 21:59

The family children exception - you don't necessarily know the reasons behind that, either. Couldn't it be that family are funding some of the wedding and therefore have more of a say on who is invited?

savingupforanother · 24/02/2014 22:01

I'd book it on the day, OP. Your friend has put her needs first and so must you. You can send a nice card but let her know that you can't attend and you are sure she will understand.

PansOnFire · 24/02/2014 22:04

There is nothing to think about - your DD's birthday has to come first and if she was any type of friend then she'd make sure your DD was invited and that you could attend. She sound a like she's being precious and a bit selfish, particularly as there are other children attending. In your position I'd be considering how I'd feel to miss my child's birthday, I think I'd feel guilty forever if it was to attend a wedding of someone who didn't value my DD enough to make a small exception in difficult circumstances.

I wonder what decision the bride would have come to if the roles were reversed? She might not understand now but she'll get it if she ever has children. Don't go, cut your losses and accept that friendship works from compromise and your friend is not compromising.

Inertia · 24/02/2014 22:04

Fair enough to ask. I wouldn't have accepted the invitation on the spot though, because it sounds like there are various reasons why you might not be able to go- and personally I wouldn't want to miss my own child's birthday.

soontobeslendergirl · 24/02/2014 22:04

I'd book the party for your daughters actual birthday - sod the wedding! Send your friend an invite to the party :o

RandomMess · 24/02/2014 22:06

I'm actually really Sad that the bride has made that decision.

Original poster
splasheeny · 24/02/2014 22:06

Like never, I would agree with you if the wedding was local, or somewhere easily accessible. This wedding would involve spending at least one night away (possibly 2), and I don't want to be away from my daughter for that time. Leaving her with a babysitter for the evening would be totally different. I would also feel terrible about missing her birthday. I work long enough hours as it is.

OP posts:
likeneverbefore · 24/02/2014 22:08

I'm not sure you understood my post, splasheeny - I agree that you're in a difficult predicament and I wouldn't be leaving my DD in those circumstances either.

HopefulHamster · 24/02/2014 22:10

Was she nice to you about it?

Tbh I wouldn't go, it's your daughter's birthday. Enjoy it.

saintlyjimjams · 24/02/2014 22:12

FWIW child-free weddings don't bother me - each to their own; but I wouldn't leave my child on their 4th birthday.

Original poster
splasheeny · 24/02/2014 22:13

Since dd was born I have only gone to one wedding, dd was invited but we decided not to take her so we could drink in peace! The wedding was in a location we could travel to without staying overnight. The bride and groom asked us about our dd, and all the children there were made to feel very welcome. Their laughter and smiles were a key part of the day, as cheesy as that sounds. That couple were not anywhere near as good friends as my friend who is getting married now. It makes me sad that as such a good friend she is not prepared to include dd.

OP posts:
likeneverbefore · 24/02/2014 22:14

Sorry if you've already answered this, but is there someone you could take with you who could look after your DD while you're at the wedding, but DD is away with you for the weekend?

The wedding isn't on her actual birthday, you've said..so you'd have her birthday the day after the wedding while you were away.

I, personally, couldn't be arsed with all of that. I'd just happily not go to the wedding and spend the weekend doing DD birthday things, but you seem very certain that you want to be there.

littleblackno · 24/02/2014 22:16

I would ask given the age of your dd. If I was the bride I would rather you ask than just not come. There may be a way around it and if you say that you understand if dd can't come then I don't think it's rude.

likeneverbefore · 24/02/2014 22:17

"It makes me sad that as such a good friend she is not prepared to include dd"

This isn't really a thread about practicalities, is it? It's the fact that she feels her wedding day will be perfectly complete without your DD there.

Well, I can understand that, sorry. You have your ideas about what makes a good wedding and she has hers. It's her wedding, up to her how she plays it out.

I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm dismissing your upset - I just don't understand it. My friendships with my best friends are between me and them - not me, them and my DC.

This whole thread has been confused with the whole birthday thing when ultimately you're put out that she just doesn't want your DD there.

Original poster
splasheeny · 24/02/2014 22:18

Like never, not at the moment. We are having some issues with our childcare now (a whole other thread). I did explain this to her too (that childcare is an issue).

OP posts:
Original poster
splasheeny · 24/02/2014 22:20

Crossed post like never, but I'm sad that given these circumstances she doesnt want to include dd. I have explained everything to her, and I think that given that, as good friend, it would have been nice of her to consider having dd.

OP posts:
likeneverbefore · 24/02/2014 22:21

Just plan a brilliant birthday with your DD, it's only a wedding, you can still be friends.

HellomynameisIcklePickle · 24/02/2014 22:22

splash It really sounds like this is souring how you feel about your friend. I think by the time the wedding comes the fact your DD is not with you will make you bitter indeed.

In your shoes with how you are feeling I would be tempted to send your friend a message tomorrow (or a card) that says you have thought over your planning and logistically it will be too difficult to attend her wedding, but you will be there with her in spirit and can't wait to celebrate with them when they are back from their honeymoon.

And then in a few months time you can decide how you feel about the friendship and how it progresses, but I can read in your tone that attending will do your friendship no favours at all.

Swipe left for the next trending thread