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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if my daughter can come to the wedding?

454 replies

splasheeny · 22/02/2014 14:46

A very good friend is getting married, she was my only bridesmaid when I got married. She has moved away from me and I don't see her very often now, but we do stay in touch. I was hurt she didn't ask me to be bridesmaid, but haven't said anything.

The wedding is on the same weekend ans my dd's birthday, and in the middle of nowhere, some distance from where we live, so it will involve spending the weekend there (plus getting annual leave for travelling, something which I am not sure if will even be granted).

I am already planning my dd's birthday party for the week prior, as even if we were able to get back in time for her birthday, we wouldn't have time to plan a party the same weekend. I also don't know what we would do for childcare, and it feels mean to leave dd for her birthday. It will also cost a lot for hotel, transport, and childcare, which we could afford but would be at the expense of other things.

The wedding is not child free.

Wibu to ask if dd can come? Timing and location of the wedding really make things really difficult. I don't know if its rude to ask, would it be better to no go? I'm tempted to say could she come, she wouldn't even need a chair and can eat off my plate. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
splasheeny · 24/02/2014 18:53

I'm flattered that people are interested. I have tried calling friend but have not spoken to her yet. Sorry to not have a more interesting update.

OP posts:
hoobypickypicky · 24/02/2014 18:53

"I have to comment on this eating adult food

What else would a 4 year old eat? chicken nuggets at every meal?"

Don't be silly, of course not. I mean as opposed to 4 year old birthday party food, cake and treats.

Original poster
splasheeny · 24/02/2014 18:53

I promise to update with our conversation :)l

OP posts:
Original poster
splasheeny · 24/02/2014 20:13

So, I have spoken to her, and she has confirmed that she doesn't want dd at our wedding. I have accepted, and told her that if it was anyone else I would just turn down the invite, but I do want to be there and that is the reason I am asking. So, at least I have spoken to her

OP posts:
mymiraclebubba · 24/02/2014 20:17

If she is that good a friend I would just give her a call and ask her if the invitation covers dd as well - I don't think I specifically put kids on invite when I got married just assumed that those with kids would be bringing them

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 24/02/2014 20:34

So what happens about the birthday and who will look after your DD?

BobPatSamandIgglePiggle · 24/02/2014 20:44

Did she give you a reason op? :-(

Quinteszilla · 24/02/2014 20:48

You can still decline and RSVP no, now that has told you straight out that she does not want your child there.

Is there really a way forward in this friendship?

PrincessScrumpy · 24/02/2014 20:54

I don't think I could leave dd and miss her 4th birthday. If I was the bride I would want you to ask me but I'm not a bridezilla and am a normal, emotionally stable person who would be devastated to discover you'd missed your dd's birthday for my wedding. You could offer to pay for dd's food but I would expect the bride to say not to worry!

PrincessScrumpy · 24/02/2014 20:56

Sorry just seen your op - to me a friend who doesn't get the importance of your child's birthday at the age of 4 is no friend of mine. I would decline. My dd is 6 and she remembers her 4th birthday... I was there sharing in her excitement.

Jux · 24/02/2014 20:58

Sounds like she's moved on with her life, really. I can't imagine saying that to smeone I actually cared about and wanted at my wedding. Sorry.

Jux · 24/02/2014 20:59

Or maybe it's the groom being a bit jealous of you?

hoobypickypicky · 24/02/2014 21:07

"Or maybe it's the groom being a bit jealous of you?"

Or perhaps the bride is just a little annoyed that she's been put in the position of having to repeat her already stated wish to have no other children at her own wedding than family. Perhaps she thinks the OP is rude to have asked despite knowing that her DD was invited. Perhaps she resents being made to feel uncomfortable by being put on the spot.

Because those explanations look feasible to me. There's nothing the OP has said to suggest that the groom might be jealous of her.

hoobypickypicky · 24/02/2014 21:08
  • despite knowing that her DD was not invited.
YouAreTalkingRubbish · 24/02/2014 21:15

It was ok to ask and it was ok for the bride to say no. She may have very good reasons for not wanting your DD there or she may not, it doesn't really matter and it is totally up to her. I don't think you should feel annoyed with her.
If you decide not to go then I hope you do it without causing any ill feeling with the bride.

SeaSickSal · 24/02/2014 21:18

Did she say why? Is it because other people with kids may be offended?

Did you offer to pay?

Original poster
splasheeny · 24/02/2014 21:25

Toffee I don't know. I really don't know what to do, but I don't need to RSVP just yet so have some time to think about it.

Bob She said she didn't want children because they might misbehave (though family children the same age will be there). She said its about numbers as well, though none of our friends have children, so I am a bit miffed that one child couldn't be included.

Anyway its not my choice.

I told her that it's fine, and invited her over to see dd and I.

I think the obsession with the wedding may be getting to her a bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
splasheeny · 24/02/2014 21:27

Sea I didn't offer to pay as some people here have said that they think that would be crass. Though on aibu it seems like you can never do right.. Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
splasheeny · 24/02/2014 21:29

Besides, budget was not a reason she gave for not inviting dd, and I know from past conversations that the budget is rather large.

OP posts:
ArtexMonkey · 24/02/2014 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hoobypickypicky · 24/02/2014 21:35

Tonight OP said - "Besides, budget was not a reason she gave for not inviting dd,"

Last night OP said - "She said she is only inviting family children, for budget reasons."

Confused
SeaSickSal · 24/02/2014 21:38

I would have offered to pay. I think people are wrong saying it would have been crass. I think it was more crass to ask for a favour and expect her to pay for it as well.

If you'd shown you were prepared to put yourself out financially to do it then it would have shown that you were serious, not just chancing your arm out of cheek.

Original poster
splasheeny · 24/02/2014 21:39

Hooby are you stalking me?

She didn't mention budget today when I spoke to her.

OP posts:
Pobblewhohasnotoes · 24/02/2014 21:41

Offering to pay is just rude. I can't believe anyone would think that would be a good idea.

She doesn't want your dd there. She doesn't want a wedding full of children and she's entitled to that. Maybe the venue is at full capacity? It doesn't matter what the reason is. Can you imagine if everyone offered to pay for their kids/neighbours/friends/relatives. It would be a nightmare.

Original poster
splasheeny · 24/02/2014 21:42

Maybe so sea but the variety of opinions on this matter shows their is no 'correct' way of doing things.

I think it is now too late to offer to pay as she has made it clear she doesn't want dd there and bringing it up again may seem pushy.

OP posts:
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