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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if my daughter can come to the wedding?

454 replies

splasheeny · 22/02/2014 14:46

A very good friend is getting married, she was my only bridesmaid when I got married. She has moved away from me and I don't see her very often now, but we do stay in touch. I was hurt she didn't ask me to be bridesmaid, but haven't said anything.

The wedding is on the same weekend ans my dd's birthday, and in the middle of nowhere, some distance from where we live, so it will involve spending the weekend there (plus getting annual leave for travelling, something which I am not sure if will even be granted).

I am already planning my dd's birthday party for the week prior, as even if we were able to get back in time for her birthday, we wouldn't have time to plan a party the same weekend. I also don't know what we would do for childcare, and it feels mean to leave dd for her birthday. It will also cost a lot for hotel, transport, and childcare, which we could afford but would be at the expense of other things.

The wedding is not child free.

Wibu to ask if dd can come? Timing and location of the wedding really make things really difficult. I don't know if its rude to ask, would it be better to no go? I'm tempted to say could she come, she wouldn't even need a chair and can eat off my plate. AIBU?

OP posts:
TamerB · 24/02/2014 07:23

Too easy for people, missnevermind!

hoobypickypicky · 24/02/2014 08:17

"Bear she has been to dds first 2 birthdays, so I would imagine she would realise it must be near her birthday.
She said she is only inviting family children, for budget reasons. I am disappointed though that she couldn't include dd as we were at least close. I also know her budget is big: her parents have given her a 5 figure amount to spend."

The bride and groom's budget may be big but it's their budget, not yours to decide or question how it's spent.

You keep saying that the bride knows your DD. Maybe she knows her enough to believe (rightly or wrongly) that your DD would be less than quiet and well behaved at her wedding.

This doesn't entirely sound about not wanting to be apart from your dd on her birthday. There are alternatives - decline, go alone and leave your dd with her father, go just for the ceremony - but none of those seem to suit you. Instead you want your child to spend her 4th birthday sitting on your lap eating adult food from your plate and being told to be quiet and sit still in a place of worship and during the speeches while two adults are (rightly) the focus of attention instead of the birthday girl (you would ensure she sat still and in absolute silence during the ceremony and speeches, wouldn't you?). What fun is that for a small child?

If you were bothered about your daughter's birthday rather than miffed that your pfb isn't included in the invitation I don't think you'd be mentioning that you'd have thought she'd have been a flower girl and I definitely don't think you'd be considering being rude enough to put the bride on the spot by asking her to include your child to her pre-planned, adult-oriented celebration of marriage when it's already been made clear that she's not invited and why.

Respect your friend's adult choices at her event and respect her already expressed wishes, either decline the whole thing with nothing more than the explanation that you have a prior engagement, if necessary, or call and say that for reasons of logistics DH will be unable to attend and you will be able to attend the ceremony only.

Original poster
splasheeny · 24/02/2014 08:28

Lol hooby. You are way off the mark.

Dd is a very sweet girl, who is able to behave as well as cab be expected of a child of her age. This is not an adult only wedding..

I only mention the budget because other people have brought it up.

But this is aibu, and people like to get het up!

OP posts:
saintlyjimjams · 24/02/2014 08:33

I would decline politely explaining that you don't want to be away from your dd on her birthday (perfectly reasonable as she's 4). Then leave it to her to offer.

saintlyjimjams · 24/02/2014 08:36

And in your shoes, given how close you were, yes I would be pissed off if she either doesn't say 'bring her' or explain why she can't have her, but so be it. You don't have to show that iyswim

hoobypickypicky · 24/02/2014 08:57

"Lol hooby. You are way off the mark.
Dd is a very sweet girl, who is able to behave as well as cab be expected of a child of her age. I only mention the budget because other people have brought it up. But this is aibu, and people like to get het up!"

You've taken offence unnecessarily. I'm sure your DD is able to behave as well as can be expected for a child of her age. Maybe she can behave better, but there's no guarantee that she will on the day in question is there, because she's the age she is!

I said that the bride may rightly or wrongly think that your daughter might not behave as perfectly as your host herself expects her adult guests to. She's childless as are most of her friends. She's not that used to small DC and fears the worst, perhaps?

Others asked about budget, yes, but you've told us that it's family children only for finance reasons, then added it's a large budget. Large it may be, large enough to cover non family children it isn't, in the opinion of the people paying.

You've said it yourself - "I am disappointed though that she couldn't include dd as we were at least close." That still sounds far more as if it's about you being miffed that DD is not invited than it does that you don't want to miss your DD's birthday.

It's fine that you don't want to miss her birthday but the solution is to decline the wedding invitation on the grounds of a previous engagement not to try to change the terms of the invitation.

Roshbegosh · 24/02/2014 09:02

It isn't all about how children behave at a wedding, it is really boring to be seated next to some 3 year old so her being there will spoil it for another guest even if she is well behaved.

WooWooOwl · 24/02/2014 09:09

YABVU to have thought that your dd should be a flower girl!

PuppyMonkey · 24/02/2014 09:40

Rosh, there are plenty of equally dull adults you might end up being seated next to at a wedding. Believe me. Grin

LucyLasticBand · 24/02/2014 09:41

i dont think you should miss the wedding.

i cant understand why you dont celebrate the birthday early. she will have lots of birthdays. she wont mind, she might not even know!

saintlyjimjams · 24/02/2014 10:22

At 4? Of course she'll know. My kids would have been gutted to not have their parents around for their 4th birthday.

DinahLady · 24/02/2014 10:25

i cant understand why you dont celebrate the birthday early. she will have lots of birthdays. she wont mind, she might not even know!

At the age of FOUR?! You definitely know when it's your birthday then, it's not like you're a tiny baby! Hmm

LucyLasticBand · 24/02/2014 10:26

she isnt yet 4, itis her 4th birthday.
Hmm

TinyTear · 24/02/2014 10:29

I have to comment on this eating adult food

What else would a 4 year old eat? chicken nuggets at every meal?

DinahLady · 24/02/2014 10:30

then expect them to start looking through the whole of their guest list, to see if the one day they can find then clashes with the birthdays of the relatives of any guests ????

No of course I wouldn't expect them to do that! I would want them not to be too surprised if I turned round and said I couldn't make it after all as it clashed with my small child's birthday though!
I had a child free wedding and it was GREAT, so I'm not all about the kids must be invited to weddings stuff.
If someone had said they couldn't come because their child hadn't been invited and it was their birthday, then I'd have understood.
You have a child free wedding, you have to accept that some people won't want to come.

LucyLasticBand · 24/02/2014 10:32

have you asked her yet op?

DinahLady · 24/02/2014 10:32

she isnt yet 4, itis her 4th birthday.

Yes, she will be four ON her birthday. When the wedding is. So will more than likely have a very good idea that it's her birthday, no idea why people think if it's your 4th birthday you're clueless and don't know what day it is!
Mine certainly knew when their birthdays were at that age! Hmm

LucyLasticBand · 24/02/2014 10:34
Hmm
DinahLady · 24/02/2014 10:34

Confused Grin

LucyLasticBand · 24/02/2014 10:35

would like a smiley with blowign raspberry
Grin

Beeyump · 24/02/2014 10:55

Why should she have your dd as a flower girl? Jeez.

BackforGood · 24/02/2014 14:09

re the Birthday thing - all of my dc have always loved having celebrations on different days from their actual birthday - it means (in their minds) you get 2 (or even 3 on some occasions) birthdays - win, win Grin

But I have to agre with Hooby's posts.

Somersetlady · 24/02/2014 15:08

Ok OP put us out of our misery please!

You posted 48 hours ago about hope to approach a supposedly close friend about this conundrum - have you contacted her yet and what was her response?

Update please.........

DeWe · 24/02/2014 15:23

Do people really expect a bride and groom, who have various friends and relatives to consider, not to put their wedding on a date because it clashes with one friend's child's birthday?
Really?
I mean even at our wedding, where we had very few children(simply because most of our friends didn't have them yet) we would have had 17 children. And actually I know when abouts my friends' children's birthdays are-but not the exact date, nor they mine as far as I'm aware.
Do people really consider such things when planning the wedding?
Surely you look at when your venues/caterers/mil (!) etc are free. Not children of the guests birthdays.

HenriettaPie · 24/02/2014 15:32

What are you going to do op?

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