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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be utterly confused, irritated and upset that my dh will NOT discuss baby names?

104 replies

mameulah · 20/02/2014 20:45

This is our second baby and it took nine months and three days to name our first baby.

Please tell me that my husband is not the only person like this. I absolutely do not understand it.

OP posts:
RonaldMcDonald · 21/02/2014 01:20

Call it what you like...personally I quite like Liono

RussianBlu · 21/02/2014 01:23

Plato Potato.

Liono? Whats a good middle name for Liono though? Liono Bedofroses?

RussianBlu · 21/02/2014 01:24

Liono LuxuryDuvet?

RussianBlu · 21/02/2014 01:25

Liono PlatoPotato!!!!

peepingoutofhtetumbledrier · 21/02/2014 01:27

You say you just want to discuss names but you also seem to imply that what you really want is to have a name chosen so you can start calling the baby that as soon as possible.

Maybe your dh would be happy discussing names for fun but is afraid of being pressured into making a decision in a hurry that he knows you don't really have to make for months?

Could you see if he'd like to talk about names if you reassure him you won't be pushing for a final decision until much nearer the time?

FlockOfTwats · 21/02/2014 02:14

Hmm, I struggled to decide on a name for my middle son. We both liked the same name, but i wouldn't make a decision until he was born because i wasn't sure if it would 'suit' him.

He was a few days old before i agreed it was 'the' name.

My first and third childrens names were decided in pregnancy - My daughters was decided when we found out she was a girl, I had decided on a boys name i refused to compromise on, so her Dad chose her name. He said he liked two names. We picked the one we both liked.

My third childs name was decided about 3 days after i found out i was pregnant for both possibilities.

Maybe he just doesn't feel like a fetus should be named? He might just think it odd to name something before its born.

Although he could just explain that nicely without being a prick.

Davidhasselhoffstoecheese · 21/02/2014 06:52

I know a few blokes who have not wanted to discuss baby names in a pregnancy. Mine made zero suggestions too. For him I wrote out a list of names and give them to him every few weeks. he would put a scoring number by them - so 20 would be the perfect name and 0 a rubbish name. I managed to narrow it down that way.

WaitingForMe · 21/02/2014 07:12

YANBU in the slightest. While there are reasons not to discuss names (although frankly being superstitious or struggling to visualise are pretty poor excuses), there is no excuse for refusing to discuss a naming policy ( ie. discuss at 30 weeks or both short list and discuss after birth).

FGS OP is pregnant and saying something is important to her. At the very least her "D"H should work towards a solution with her.

MaryWestmacott · 21/02/2014 07:20

I think it's unhelpful for the OP to hear "oh, we didn't name DC until they were a week old and it was all fine" - because she doesn't want to wait until the baby is born, so why should she have to? The baby needs a name, she wants to talk about it, how rude of her DH to think she must wait until he decrees its a suitable time?

OP - talk to him about how he wants to do this, if he really wants to wait until the baby has arrived, he should tell you that, along with why. If you really want to discuss before hand, he should be prepared to make some time to discuss, otherwise, as the mother gets the final say, tell him you will decide without him. Give him the option of being involved, don't let him refusing to engage and get stroppy mean that you delay making the decision, just tell him you'll decide without him and just announce your DS2's name when the baby arrives.

Morgause · 21/02/2014 07:21

My DH and I didn't decide on names until the DCs were born. We had the odd discussion while I was pregnant and ruled out the sort of names we didn't want. But we didn't sit have "baby name discussions" they just happened spontaneously and occasionally.

Maybe he's feeling too pressured and really can't decide until he's seen the baby's face. That isn't unusual.

Nagging him is only going to make him more stubborn.

Greenmug · 21/02/2014 07:30

I don't find it odd that he doesnt want to pick a name really. I do find it odd that he is actually hostile about it and is unconcerned at how much it affected you last time. That doesn't sound very nice.

LouSend · 21/02/2014 07:44

Does the registrar visit your hospital? When dd2 was born the registrar was making her twice-weekly visit to the hospital. Dd2 was registered at one day old. I left the hospital with all the documents required for her.

It may not be a case of needing to make an appointment several weeks after birth to register your baby. You may be able to do it there and then. In which case any name you, and by that I mean you specifically not you as a couple, choose could be official by the time you get home.

Why not write a list and put it somewhere prominent and add to it each time you find a name you think you can live with. It may be that your Dh finds it hard to assign a name to a person he has not yet met. It's difficult to imagine calling someone 'Lucus' for example if you can't imagine the actual person.
It's early days as yet. There is no hurry right now - but getting him used to the names you like may help. Warn him nearer the time that you know from the last experience that you will be close to the edge if this baby is nameless for a length of time and that you need to at least have a shortlist of names when the baby's born.

Anomaly · 21/02/2014 07:56

My sister's DH was like this. I found it incomprehensible because I know how much she wanted to talk about names. Why her DH's determination not to was more important than her wish I'll never understand. Made me look at their relationship and wonder where else he got the final say. It took them weeks whereas all mine have their names on their hospital wrist bands.

pictish · 21/02/2014 07:57

I think it's unhelpful for the OP to hear "oh, we didn't name DC until they were a week old and it was all fine" - because she doesn't want to wait until the baby is born, so why should she have to? The baby needs a name, she wants to talk about it, how rude of her DH to think she must wait until he decrees its a suitable time?

I don't agree that it's unhelpful....it illustrates to OP that not deciding on a name four months in is no great shakes.
OP can think up all the names she wants, but if her dp isn't at the stage of wanting to make a decision, there's no point forcing the issue. Maybe he's being 'hostile' because she's being persistent about it and he's fed up with hearing it.
Why should she have to wait? Because this child has two parents, and one of them isn't ready to choose yet...and at such an early stage it's not neccessary to. That's not 'rude'.

If my dh had insisted that we MUST discuss names at four months in, I would have got annoyed with him too.

nennypops · 21/02/2014 08:09

I think part of the problem is that you're so invested in this. The reality is that you will find a name, you will both love the baby to bits, so I can see why he possibly thinks it doesn't really matter, is bored by the prospect of hours of discussion, and wants to leave it till he sees the baby. With ours we had desultory chats during pregnancy in between calling them Boris and Lettuce, but only made decisions after they were born. Can you not try to shelve this and not obsess about it, maybe using your own private name if you want to give the baby an identity? You have plenty more to think about.

FruitbatAuntie · 21/02/2014 08:14

I sympathise as I had this with both of my DSs.

DS1, a first name was finally agreed, sort of, when he was 5 days old. We were pretty much agreed but ExP was still umming and ahing about it which really upset me. It was only when family and nurses started calling DS1 the name that he gave up badgering me to consider his ludicrous suggestions, and he was a bit pissed off it had become a fait accompli. In return he chose 2 of the most ridiculous middle names ever seen on a birth certificate, and basically bullied me for 41 days until I gave in and registered DS1. It really upset me and was the first inkling of what a controlling arse he was/is.

With DS2 he was just as bad. When DS2 was 6 days old I basically had to tell him that DS's name was xxx and tough. I had given birth and I was making the decision. He still continued to argue about a middle name for so long, DS2 was registered 43 days after birth due to available appointments! In the end, I said that if he wanted to carry on bullying me, I would go and register without him, and I was sure he wanted to be on the birth cert but it was up to him! It soured things a lot. We split up 8 months later as I couldn't deal with him being so controlling about even the tiniest thing.

LeBearPolar · 21/02/2014 08:16

All the names we had thought of for DS were wrong when we met him and he ended up with one we had never even considered.

I think you are over-reacting to this quite a lot but equally, your DH should respect that it is upsetting you and should try to compromise perhaps.

I agree with nennypops - there are plenty of things to think about but you do seem to be disproportionately focused on this one.

pinkr · 21/02/2014 08:28

mine had a limit too...I could perhaps make seven suggestions at a time before he would say he was bored etc. He only ever suggested grace... no offense but a name I don't like at all... Although I was willing to go with it as he'd made the effort.
I always had a particular and unusual name in mind...I kept giving really far out suggestions and eventually mentioned my special name. surprisingly he said yes... Grace was out once I showed him the most popular namesSmile

the annoying thing was, at six months, in his mind that was the end of the discussion. I kept wobbling... Although deep down I knew that was her name... He refused to re discuss it and I'm glad nowGrin

whattoWHO · 21/02/2014 08:47

Maybe he doesn't want to get too 'attached' to this baby so early in the pregnancy?
I see you have suffered a previous mmc before you had your DS1, perhaps he had mentally bonded with your first pregnancypregnancy, imagining that child's identity. He might well be recalling that terrible pain when you lost that baby?

FrenchJunebug · 21/02/2014 09:16

why is choosing a name so early on is so important to you?

youarewinning · 21/02/2014 09:19

That had crossed my mind too what OP states he's a great DH and father. Perhaps OP he imagined names in his head as soon as he found out your were pg first time and hasn't yet come to the terms he never met 'baby name' Maybe this shutting down and you out is a self protecting move.
His total reluctance to even consider names or talk about the type of names you like appears a very strong reaction - many people won't chose a name but at least will discuss it - even if it's the outrageous names you'd never call your DC!

Annakin31 · 21/02/2014 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MoominsYonisAreScary · 21/02/2014 10:27

We could not decide on a name for ds5, a week after he was born dp was so stressed about the whole no name thing that he would probably have agreed to me calling him whatever I liked! We did discuss names though

I think you should sit him down and tell him you are not prepared to wait like last time as you found it upsetting and of he is going to refuse to discuss it you will be choosing a name on your own.

And if you have anymore dc choose the name before you are pg Grin

morethanpotatoprints · 21/02/2014 10:36

My dh wasn't brilliant tbh, we did choose together but not until I compiled a short list and then it was easier I think.

OP, do a list of what you like, tell him to do a list of what he likes.
If he doesn't choose one off your list and ask if he likes it.
If so, you have a name. If not choose another.
All 3 of our dc were names I'd chosen really, he just had no objections.

I don't think there's anything wrong with him not being interested tbh, it beats arguing over names.

SauvignonBlanche · 21/02/2014 10:43

Everyone's different, I didn't want to know my DCs gender until they were born and we didn't choose names until we had met the but that suited both DH and I.

The OP and her DH feel completely differently about this. You need to discuss this fact, acknowledge it and try to agree a compromise.