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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be utterly confused, irritated and upset that my dh will NOT discuss baby names?

104 replies

mameulah · 20/02/2014 20:45

This is our second baby and it took nine months and three days to name our first baby.

Please tell me that my husband is not the only person like this. I absolutely do not understand it.

OP posts:
Mitzyme · 20/02/2014 21:01

Perhaps he is waiting for you to suggest naming Ds after him but doesn't want to suggest this himself ?

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 20/02/2014 21:02

Maybe just superstitious then. I didn't mean offence. How many weeks left?

If name it each Sunday for a week. See which sticks. He won't realise til he says don't like that one each week. Just keep a list. And use every name so cover all the great fun cheap posh double barrel modern trashy old types

Could be fun to watch his reaction to Dwayne Frederick St. John ...?

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 20/02/2014 21:02

Oh god I think mitzy called it!!!! Lol

Quinteszilla · 20/02/2014 21:03

3 days? That was quite soon. You have 6 weeks to register the birth and officially name the child.

I am of the opinion that you can short list names, but not decide until you have met the new little person. Smile

mameulah · 20/02/2014 21:03

He doesn't have a suggestion. He says 'no' or shrugs or screws up his face to all of mine.

I can't tell you how it messed with my head, not having a name for pfb. Rightly or wrongly that is what happened and I have made it so clear what a hard and distressing time that was.

Most of all I don't understand how other couples have these fun conversations and I just end up told I am being unreasonable.

Please bear in mind I danced around this all merrily and happily and unbotheredly for nine months with pfb. And landed flat on my face. I have run out of being patient about it.

It is very, very frustrating.

OP posts:
anothernumberone · 20/02/2014 21:03

OP I am lost, taking a couple of days after birth to name a child is common we had it on number 2. Calm down, come up with a list for yourself then you are half way there.

msmoss · 20/02/2014 21:04

Maybe he just doesn't want to name the baby until he meets them as he's worried he'll get it wrong? It's different for you as you're carrying the baby but at the moment he doesn't really have the chance to get to know them in the same way that you do. I didn't want to name either of ours until we'd had a chance to properly meet them.

BadgerFace · 20/02/2014 21:05

I think it's a bit odd. Thinking/talking about names is part of the fun!

Have you asked him why he won't discuss it/it annoys him for you to talk about it? I would also tell him that his brick wall attitude is upsetting you (for a second time).

My DH and I disagreed on most names the other brought up, until we came to one we both liked at 6 months pregnant, but it was still a loving discussion every time we talked about it despite our differing ideas.

I feel sad for you. Sad Do you want to talk about some of your favourites on here?

MaryWestmacott · 20/02/2014 21:05

Well, what I'd do at only 4 months pregnant is make a list of names I liked (ideally no more than 4 names), send it to him via e-mail, and ask him to pick off the list, or if he'd like to add any to the list, to let you know.

Then not mention it again until about 34 weeks, then say again, has he picked off the list yet, if not, you prefer X off the list, although you'd be happy with any of the names. Don't nag, don't discuss it unless he prompts you.

When DS2 arrives, if your DH hasn't discussed it properly with you up to this point, say "hello X." and name the baby youself with your favourite name. If then your DH says he doesn't like it, point out he's had 6 months to discuss it, too late now. If he comes up with something else you prefer to X then fine, use that name. But accept your DH is not going to do what you want, he's not going to get excited going over names and lists, so rather than have 6 months of stress and upset over it, just accept that's who he is and find a way to manage the baby naming process.

MyNameIsKenAdams · 20/02/2014 21:08

God I am newly pg and want to discuss names and DH has refused to have a proper conversation until after we found out if it was a boy or girl. Its just too far away imo.

With our dd, I would reel off names and he would shrug or say no. It ended up with me calling out names I liked from a baby book whilst in the bath in the early stages of labour.

I felt a rush to name dd as soon as she arrived and found the whole thing quite stressful. I would like to have ot sorted asap this time rpund.

I get you, OP.

Ask him outright when he would like to decide on a name.

curiousuze · 20/02/2014 21:08

You are being a little bonkers about this. Also I have never, till reading this thread, heard about the rite of passage of 'cosy chats' about name choosing. We read about a page of a baby name book one night while DH was watching match of the day - our ds's name begins with 'A'.

mameulah · 20/02/2014 21:09

You are so sweet Badger. Thanks, I already have a couple of favourites but I am scared to fall in love with them because I don't want to have to cope with being disappointed that they get the old 'no no'.

I just don't understand why we can't have any kind of a conversation about it. It is weird. Very weird to be so shut down about it. Not having decided until our pfb was three days wouldn't be so odd. But the whole build up to it and the meanness (unintentional meanness - he honestly wasn't trying to upset me) made it the straw that broke the camels back. And our pfb was born after I had suffered a mmc which meant my hormones were everywhere.

He is just so incredibly hostile about this.

OP posts:
MaryWestmacott · 20/02/2014 21:12

oh sorry, read better about his bad behaviour.

Then sit him down, say you don't want to discuss actual names right now, but discuss how you are going to go about naming the baby. Say that this time round you will not accept him refusing to discuss it then deciding he doesn't like the name you've picked once the baby is here. He can think about names he likes, talk to you about it in advance, but if you get to the stage of having the baby and he's not actually discussed names, other than to say "no" to your choices, then you will pick a name. He can discuss it with you if he wants a say or not.

mameulah · 20/02/2014 21:13

Mary Westmacott

I reckon you are right. It is all the uncertainty, not of not having a name, but of knowing when he is going up to discuss it that is driving me mad. I had to basically shout at him (in that whisper shout kind of voice) at the hospital and then, the next day he brought teh baby book I had bought in. Then I read EVERY NAME in the whole book before we agreed on one.

It is the hostility towards it. If I had the patience I would have liked to have said nothing about a name and made him wait so that he felt what it was like.

My dh is great. Bu this. Soo weird.

OP posts:
eurochick · 20/02/2014 21:13

I wouldn't want to discuss it that early either. Not exactly superstition (although I have had an mc which makes me distance myself a bit from this bean early on), but it just seems odd to discuss it that far away from the birth. And as someone else said, many babies are not named for the first days or even weeks of their lives.

Hobnobissupersweet · 20/02/2014 21:15

I really didn't find it part of the fun at all. I have four, much wanted dcs and every time DH would bring up names whilst I was pregnant I hated it, we did eventually get a fairly short short list by about 37 weeks, but please do not assume everyone else is having loads of fun discussing bay names. I found it rather stressful tbh, being in charge of something as important as someone's name, something that would be part of defining them through their whole life.

mameulah · 20/02/2014 21:17

If this was our pfb then I would agree.

But I was a mess after our pfb was born and I am SURE it is partly to blame to the fact I couldn't name him. It really messed with me. Especially because I had skipped and danced around not noticing his oddness towards it for the best part of the whole of my pregnancy. I was so sure that when I held our baby in my arms we would finally discuss it. And no. That wasn't the right frkn time either.

That is the part that is driving me mad. Not the actually knowing and deciding the name. But that I don't know what hoops I am going to have to leap through to get the discussion underway and a decision. If I felt he was 'normal' about this I would be in no hurry at all. But after what I went through last time...

OP posts:
chickenkebabs · 20/02/2014 21:17

Definitely show him this thread.

My husband was clueless about how hurtful his stubbornness about names was when I was pg. He kept coming up with outrageously unusual (pretentious) ones which made me madly protective of my unborn babies! It was all about his need to show off his history/cultural knowledge, rather than naming a little person…

He was much, much more reasonable the moments after they were born and thankfully they all have lovely names.

Could have done without the panicky flustered feelings for 3x9months that I'd have to call for "Aurelius" in the playground, though.

Judyandherdreamofhorses · 20/02/2014 21:17

My DH was utterly uninterested in name choosing. They were born, we chose names within a day or so.

I spent 30-odd years choosing names. I had notebooks of them! DH probably never thought of it in his life until he needed to! DD's name was his first choice and we've ended up with names we both love.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 20/02/2014 21:17

DH was completely uninterested in discussing names until DD was born. Drove me crazy but I rather that than he faked it. I just made up for it by having lots of lovely name speculation conversations with my Mum and Sis.

It really is no biggie to take your time, you have weeks after the birth.

clairemum22 · 20/02/2014 21:17

I agree, the name discussion is the fun part. I'd follow marywestmacott's approach

MaryWestmacott · 20/02/2014 21:22

Then you need to talk to him about it, if you will find it hard to talk to him, write an e-mail, stating how hurtful, upsetting and unsettling you found his behaviour around naming DS1, and you would like to know how he intends you to name DS2, as you will not tolerate him waiting until after DS2 is born, if you haven't sat down and discussed it before you go into labour, then he has accepted you will pick a name you like and he doesn't get any imput.

If he wants you both to draw up lists then compare/discuss (not just you suggesting names and him rejecting them) or book a meal out where you both arrive with names and talk about them, or other scheduled times so you don't 'nag' inbetween, but at some point before the baby arrives you need to have discussed it and more importantly, you need to know how he intends to manage this naming process, as you don't want the uncertainty.

yellowsnownoteatwillyou · 20/02/2014 21:29

i would go with marywest's idea, DH was really rubbish at this aswell, it drove me round the bend, he completely vetoed the name i wanted until 1 week before he was born, then suddenly changed his mind on it and said it was ok.

he never came up with suggestions at all, just replied meh, no, meh to all my choices.

I had a elcs and they were putting ds's tags on and we were asked if we had a name and i said the name i had wanted after asking DH if he had an opnion, i hadnt even seen him but i knew that was his name.

Isabelonatricycle · 20/02/2014 21:30

I think you really need to talk to him about this. Of the recent babies born in my circle of friends, one couple didn't chose a name because it was tempting fate, another changed the name they had chosen after the baby was born because "He just wasn't an Oliver!" and the third chose the name at the first scan and stuck with it. You need to discuss this with him - but he may have what he sees as entirely good reasons for not wanting to chose a name yet. The good thing is you have plenty of time to get this sorted/talk it over.

VeryStressedMum · 20/02/2014 21:33

My dh was the same, by number 3 I think I gave up on names myself

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