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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be offended by being asked to explain why I didn't change my name when I got married

115 replies

takingnoprisoners · 20/02/2014 18:44

In order to do some voluntary work!!
I filled in all the forms and took in my passport and driving license to show them and told them then that I chose to keep my name when I got married. It was a part of my identity that I didn't want to change and as it turned out was the right decision as the marriage didn't last. We are not officially divorced so I am technically married. I am quite cross about being asked to explain this again, I really don't see what business it is of theirs.
I didn't realise I was being particularly radical by doing this, I guess I am more of a feminist than I knew!

OP posts:

BrianTheMole · 20/02/2014 21:59

I've never had (or noticed) a problem with the crb/dbs checks. And I use Ms and my own name.

parakeet · 20/02/2014 21:59

What DoJo said. I don't think they were asking for an explanation of your decision not to change your name. I think they were asking you to confirm their understanding was correct.

They worded it badly though.

I am also a non-name-changer. I once had a female friend say to me: "Well what's the point of getting married then!"

exexpat · 20/02/2014 22:05

Caitlin - 'Miss' has a historic meaning of a young unmarried woman or girl, so doesn't seem appropriate for adult and/or married women. Fine for you if you're happy to use it, but I didn't want to.

And Mrs denotes marital status (which I don't think is anyone's business most of the time) and traditionally carries the implication that you share a surname with your husband. So that is why people came up with Ms, as a neutral alternative for adult women.

I wish we could be more like France, where modern usage is now that Madame is generally used for all adult women, whether or not they are married.

defineme · 20/02/2014 22:06

It's because you're a Mrs.
I've been Ms since I thought about it at 18, kept my name when I married and have never been asked. I have done lots of different voluntary jobs and so on.
I think you're really unusual in that you changed to Mrs but kept your name. Everyone I know has either not changed anything or changed title and surname (I do know married women who have remained as Miss rather than being a Ms).
It'd be interesting to know if you're unique or it's just me not knowing anyone who's done the same.

FunkyBoldRibena · 20/02/2014 22:06

If you have completed a DBS form, then that info goes to the DBS people, it isn't to be pored over by admin staff.

I would say 'Just to confirm, what is the actual reason you are asking this question? What is the relevance to the volunteering role? Which bit of 'I chose to keep my own full name when I got married' are you finding hard to understand?'

AngelaDaviesHair · 20/02/2014 22:09

This is why I'm still Miss Maidenname, despite being married. The whole keeping your birth surname seems to be a headfuck to people whichever title you choose, but this way seems to raise fewer dim questions.

BackOnlyBriefly · 20/02/2014 22:14

Surely the point is that they wanted to check all names you ever used to see if any of them had arrests or convictions.

Though if they have to rely on people giving that information freely that's never going to work is it. Bad people may...tell... lies!

ComposHat · 20/02/2014 22:14

I can see how referring to yourself as Mrs (mistress of x man) caused the confusion. Mrs yourname mplies you were married to a Mr Your name.

VulvaBeaker · 20/02/2014 22:18

Calling yourself "Ms maidenname" when you're married isn't anything but pretending you're not married, surely.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 20/02/2014 22:19

But come on ... it shouldn't cause a problem, surely? Especially if there is no option to be Ms.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 20/02/2014 22:20

Oh my lord, I cross posted.

vulva, bless you. You're not serious?

AngelaDaviesHair · 20/02/2014 22:20

Not really, it's treating your marital status as the irrelevance that it is, to random strangers in most situations. As men do.

Shallishanti · 20/02/2014 22:21

No! it's just not announcing your marital status to any random person you are introduced to!
(like, er, men)

AngelaDaviesHair · 20/02/2014 22:21

Great minds!

LRDtheFeministDragon · 20/02/2014 22:23

Plus avoiding a load of paperwork.

Every time I feel narked off at the amount of paperwork I've had to do reassuring idiots I am who I say I am despite being Ms Whatsit, I remember what my married friends have had to do and count my blessings.

BrianTheMole · 20/02/2014 22:56

Its not about pretending I'm not married, its about keeping my own identity. If I wanted to pretend I was not married, then, I just wouldn't be married or wear a ring in the first place.

Caitlin17 · 20/02/2014 23:03

Exexpat I agree an English version of Madame or Frau is needed . I do use Ms but if the computer says " no " I use Miss.

vulva are you serious?

elfycat · 20/02/2014 23:06

My bank account is still for Miss Elfycat despite the 10 years of marriage. I write Ms for everything and have never had a problem - not even with enhanced CRBs etc.

MIL thought that it was automatic that the name change on the wedding day. I soon informed her that it wasn't. I didn't change my name for several reasons, the main one being that I love my name. That it pisses MIL off is about reason 4

ethelb · 20/02/2014 23:09

Because i didnt want to take his father's name as his father is a wanker.

That should shut people up.

MrsCosmopilite · 20/02/2014 23:10

Sorry if it has already been said but the short explanation is simply "I did not change my name when I married". You have provided documentation to prove your identity, so there is nothing further outstanding.

MrsCosmopilite · 20/02/2014 23:14

Incidentally I'd rather be Ms. but somehow ended up putting Mrs on most things in the early days. I am married, and happily so but I don't understand the notion that women must change their name on marriage.

I once had an argument (politely) on the telephone with a customer. I answered the phone with "Hello X Department, my first name Cosmopilite speaking, how can I help you?". The caller asked me if I was Miss or Mrs Cosmopilite. I repeated "how can I help you?" and he repeated his question. I said I was Ms. He then said he wouldn't know whether I was married or not. "Oh, just like Mr, then". In the end he asked to speak to someone else. Nob.

Original poster

takingnoprisoners · 21/02/2014 09:13

When I got married I was happy to use Mrs, I wanted to stop being a Miss and be like has been said seen as an adult, It was a way of changing my identity to show that i was indeed married but i wasnt prepared to change my name. I like the French system better as it is to do with age rather than marital status. Can you imagine men being known as Master until they got married?!
Now this has come up and I am thinking about it again I will start using Ms. As for my response I am tempted to go with what Funkyboldribena said

Might word the last part a bit differently! Or I could go with the Mumsnet classic 'did you meant to be so rude?' :-)

OP posts:

ShakesBootyFlabWobbles · 21/02/2014 09:35

It depends really on the situation. In my job, I have to complete thorough client acceptance and money laundering checks that are fairly rigorous, I can commit a criminal offence if they are not completed satisfactorily. There have been reasons to raise questions about people's names but there is no agenda behind it, just procedure. I would find it odd if someone refused to confirm the position and it may jeopardise whether the firm could act for them. These laws are there for a reason, to protect the public from organised financial crime.
If you are asked about the name change purely to ensure you are not known by two names as others posters have mentioned, this would a fair question and YABU not to answer.
If it was just a small talk quip, then surely 'personal choice' would suffice. I am not seeing why there is such offence, so end up falling on the side of YABU anyway.

whatever5 · 21/02/2014 09:39

I don't think they are asking for an explanation though! They are just asking you to confirm that you didn't change your name when you got married. I don't think that is unreasonable considering they so many women do change their name when they get married.

wongadotmom · 21/02/2014 09:41

I have been married for nearly 8 years and have not changed my name as it is not compulsory.
Someone at work asked me what was the point of getting married if you are not going to change your name!

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