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Original poster

To be offended by being asked to explain why I didn't change my name when I got married

115 replies

takingnoprisoners · 20/02/2014 18:44

In order to do some voluntary work!!
I filled in all the forms and took in my passport and driving license to show them and told them then that I chose to keep my name when I got married. It was a part of my identity that I didn't want to change and as it turned out was the right decision as the marriage didn't last. We are not officially divorced so I am technically married. I am quite cross about being asked to explain this again, I really don't see what business it is of theirs.
I didn't realise I was being particularly radical by doing this, I guess I am more of a feminist than I knew!

OP posts:
whomadeyougod · 20/02/2014 19:39

agree with fester no big deal.

Justanotherposter · 20/02/2014 19:40

So what happens if you were never married?

Is your surname your maiden name or your surname?

Justanotherposter · 20/02/2014 19:41

I bet a bloke came up with the system for the paperwork!!

Justanotherposter · 20/02/2014 19:43

Maybe just email them back and ask them to think what the maiden name might be if you got married but didn't change your name?

It might just get them to think about things.

Pigeonhouse · 20/02/2014 19:44

I would find this absolutely outrageous. It suggests a bureaucracy stuck in the dark ages.

Casmama · 20/02/2014 19:47

Thanks for explaining OP.it is ridiculously outdated, all it would require is a tick box to indicate name is unchanged.

Original poster
takingnoprisoners · 20/02/2014 19:50

I think it matters because an assumption is made here that because you marry you must change your name. The whole system whereby a woman is immediately identified by her title as to wether she is married or not is wrong. Men don't have this issue they are always Mr and are not expected to change their name.

OP posts:
hwjm1945 · 20/02/2014 19:51

i am unmarried and we chose to give the DSs my surname - cue shock, horror, questions about whether DP is the father of the kids, whether I am less committed to him cos of it, if he is less committed to us, some schools etc not being able to "understand" it - jesus wept, we only did it cos we preferred my name - no political or feminist reasoning - i jsut tell people who ask that we made this decision because we wanted to, end of. In answer to the next question which surprisingly often comes - why did you decide not to get married? I often ask them why they decided to.

whatever5 · 20/02/2014 19:54

I think that the confusion is in the fact that your title is Mrs. This implies that you have changed your surname to your husbands.

Although you can use whatever title you like (I think), technically if you keep your maiden name then the correct title would be "ms".

BanishedToPadua · 20/02/2014 19:55

Did the job require a CRB check? I had to explain why I had changed from Miss to Ms without changing the rest of my name. This seems to matter to the CRB people.

Apart from that, I see no reason at all why you should have to explain or justify your decision. YANBU.

tess73 · 20/02/2014 19:58

Yes if you had used Ms the computer probably could've coped! Mrs implies you are mrs husband's name therefore have a maiden name .

itshardthinkingofanickname · 20/02/2014 19:59

I wonder if the computer would recognise if the man changed his surname to the womans?

Computer says Nooooooo!!!

Bagofnutsnbolts · 20/02/2014 20:13

I'd be tempted to say my maiden name and married name are the same...and leave at that! They'll either think "what a happy co-incidence" or your related!

Bagofnutsnbolts · 20/02/2014 20:14

Btw my folks did have same name...an no not related just very common!! But it's caused mum some real problems in the past!

steff13 · 20/02/2014 20:19

I had to google CRB, it looks like it's a criminal background check? If so, they probably just want to make sure you haven't used any other names, and an explanation for your file. If they approve you for the position, and then find out down the road that you've got criminal convictions under a different name, they've got something from you that confirms they inquired about other possible names, and you said you didn't have any. Sort of a CYA move on their parts, probably. Feminism aside, women still frequently take their husband's last names when they marry, so it's not such an outlandish question.

When it comes to completing paperwork for things like this, there is no such thing as logic. I'm trying to refinance my mortgage right now, and the ridiculous and downright stupid information they've asked for, and made me put in writing, is maddening.

DoJo · 20/02/2014 20:29

Surely the 'short explanation' would be 'I didn't change my surname on marriage' just to confirm that it wasn't an error on the form. I'm not sure they are demanding an explanation for why you didn't change your name, just confirmation that this is the case.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 20/02/2014 20:32

It is rude.

If they checked everyone's name with a neutral question, it'd be fine. The UKBA are (oddly) good on this: they just say 'have you ever been know by any other names'. That is not gender-specific and better, because it is clear it's not gendered.

Osmiornica · 20/02/2014 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HearMyRoar · 20/02/2014 20:42

Completely unrelated but this reminded me of a time I was having a slightly heated discussion about some vaguely feminist principal at work and someone said in a most disapproving way 'well, I bet you're the sort if woman who doesn't change their name when they get married'. I replied that yes I was exactly that sort of woman. I then flounced out of the office leaving their catsbum mouth to spit hairs.

It still makes me gigle a bit.

Shallishanti · 20/02/2014 20:43

As others have said, it may be due to CRB check (although I'm surprised they weren't making that clear to you) I had this.

  1. My name, (eg) Ms Jane Smith
  2. My marital status = married
  3. Any previous names = none
this seemed to cause a kind of implosion at CRB, who insisted that a. I must be divorced (because of title Ms) b. therefore, I must have either a previous 'maiden name' (and Smith is my ex-husband's name) OR, a previous 'married name' (my husband's surname) and I have now reverted to my 'maiden name' (= Smith in this scenario)

None of this is implied by the facts I gave them, but they chose to create these stories because they couldn't believe what I told them- my name is and always has been Jane Smith, my title is Ms as it has been all my adult life and I am also married.

After this experience I have sent a covering note with any subsequent CRB check explaining all this. But tis all very annoying and unecessary.

willowstar · 20/02/2014 20:43

When we explained to my mil that I wasn't changing my name after marriage she was shocked and asked if it was allowed...she is a very very traditional 70 year old.

eurochick · 20/02/2014 20:48

I think the way it was asked suggests it is (as others have posted) because the CRB check can't cope with anything as modern as women keeping their name on marriage. I've heard about this before. Why a system that has only been in place for a relatively short time appears to be stuck in the 1950s is beyond me.

bearsprout · 20/02/2014 20:49

I have to admit I'm surprised to find out many people do this, personally it would have set alarm bells ringing for me if DP had done this, but to each their own. It's understandable for people to query things they aren't aware of though, I expect just telling them it's a thing and leaving it at that would do.

exexpat · 20/02/2014 20:49

"if you had used Ms the computer probably could've coped!"

Not going by previous threads on MN - apparently if you use Ms, the CRB computer assumes you are divorced Hmm and still insists on your previous name, because if you are divorced, obviously you were previously married and must have changed your name. The only acceptable title for a woman who has not changed her name appears to be Miss. Not sure about Dr etc - the computer then probably assumes you are male...

Caitlin17 · 20/02/2014 21:47

What's wrong with Miss? I'm always Miss Caitlin17.
MMrs is horrible. I don't see the point of being Mrs Caitlin17,I might as well just have gone for Mrs His Name.

Apart from when one is getting married I can't think of any circumstances where your marital status is relevant.