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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off dh is going on a holiday of a lifetime without me and dc?

126 replies

RedPencilPot · 18/02/2014 20:01

Right I prob ABU but I'm really fed up about this!

It's a very special interest holiday, one that I would never want to go on but I'm fed up that dh is getting a holiday this year and ds and I will go nowhere!

I'm back at work full time after having ds and come the summer(I'm a teacher) I will be exhausted, but due to finances we aren't able to afford a holiday for the family.

My poor dh has saved for this for ages and now the time has come I want to be happy for him and pleased he is going but tbh I just feel a bit envious.

He will be away for 10 days. I guess it's not even so much that he is going but the fact it is for so long and I'll not even get a wet weekend in a caravan! Grin

Needless to say he thinks I'm being v u and I can't talk too much about it as I really don't want to spoil it for him.

OP posts:
Electryone · 18/02/2014 21:14

Thanks salmon, I must have missed that.

BoneyBackJefferson · 18/02/2014 21:16

merci

unless the op tells us that they have separate finances we won't know what their situation is.

All that we know is that he has saved for a "long time" and that some of it is from "birthday" and "Christmas" money. nothing suggests that this has come out of the family pot.

Ragwort · 18/02/2014 21:17

Long term you'll be glad to be in a marriage where each person is encouraged to live some of their dreams.

Totally agree with that statement, my parents have been married nearly 60 years and still have their own holidays/hobbies and interests.

I don't get why everything has to be exactly 50/50 - obviously if people are seriously over spending their share that's different but my DH and I each have our own, very absorbing hobbies - his costs a lot in terms of equipment etc and mine costs nothing. Should I therefore insist on an equal financial contribution to make it 'fair' - even though I have no 'need' for the money? Confused.

MerylStrop · 18/02/2014 21:22

Hang on a sec…you'll be working full time as a teacher WHILST HE IS AWAY FOR 10 DAYS. Nope, sorry, that's not on, especially if he didn't make it clear how long it was for. I know it is technically doable, and people do it, but mostly not through choice.

Also totally not buying the "my money was spent on maternity leave" thing at all - that was looking after your very young baby. Not a holiday.

The budget for his holiday needs to include paying for enough support for your whilst he is away - train fare for a friend to come to stay at weekends and have some nice takeaway, a cleaner for that week, a babysitter for one night so you can get out, the knowledge that you will get a break in the summer…..whatever you think you need to make it more cope-able with.

The ten days of course is a double whammy, the 10 days he is away leaving you holding the baby are 10 days of annual leave he cannot take to share caring for the baby in the OP's hard earned holiday time.

VeryStressedMum · 18/02/2014 21:22

Happymummyofone, would you be happy if your son saved up money that you had gifted him for birthdays/christmas while his wife was spending her money funding maternity leave to look after your grandchild and spent it on a holiday for himself only? I wouldn't expect my son to be in a relationship where he had to hand over all money to his wife but I'd be ashamed if he did that.

thecatfromjapan · 18/02/2014 21:25

I like Meryl's suggestion of trying to get some support during the ten days.

MisForMumNotMaid · 18/02/2014 21:27

YABVU if you're not putting your foot down and ensuring that child costs are funded equally. Or am I reading this wrong?

As men can't carry the baby you had to take the leave but that cash shortage should have been shared. It sounds as though you struggled on on maternity pay, he used the fact you weren't going out much, through having no money, to pocket lots of cash to spend on himself.

YANBU to feel a bit jealous, you are if you stop him on a one of opportunity.

Neither of you are so long as things even out and you get 'you time' and treats not pound for pound but as partners with mutual respect.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 18/02/2014 21:36

On the 'her money funded mat leave' thing - couldn't op have gone back to work earlier if she wished - therefore no/little mat leave to fund and possibility to save fir a holiday independently?

(I wouldn't want to holiday without my dh either though, and I would be hurt if he would want to - but each relationship is different)

VeryStressedMum · 18/02/2014 21:45

I'm not sure the best way would have been for op to go back to work earlier so she can save some money because her dh is saving up for a special holiday just for himself...

TheGreatHunt · 18/02/2014 21:48

On the 'her money funded mat leave' thing - couldn't op have gone back to work earlier if she wished - therefore no/little mat leave to fund and possibility to save fir a holiday independently?

But why is she funding maternity leave to look after a child that they have together? That is a joint expense if you choose to seperate finances.

scottishmummy · 18/02/2014 21:49

He's saved his own money,your not out of pocket,yes yabu
He's not glued to your hip,he can have independent interest
So why don't you do something nice,you've got long holidays after all

Daisyjane12 · 18/02/2014 21:59

Yabvvvvu

SirChenjin · 18/02/2014 22:00

She can't afford a holiday - according to her OP, plus she is out of pocket because 'her' money had to pay for her mat leave whilst he's been saving for his own holiday.

No need to be conjoined, but equally, if one partner is having to use their money for a joint cost like a mat leave then it's bloody poor form for the other partner to ignore that cost and choose instead to spend on a luxury like a holiday for themselves whilst the other people in the family can't afford to go away anywhere.

AnyFuckerHQ · 18/02/2014 22:06

OP is out of pocket if she funded the mat leave for the joint offspring

JackNoneReacher · 18/02/2014 22:11

You saved for maternity leave.

He saved for the holiday of a lifetime.

You have sole responsibility for the baby for 10 days while he's away, also work full time and can't afford a holiday this year.

YANBU.

Fairenuff · 18/02/2014 22:14

Yep, OP, that's not fair is it.

He should pay half of the cost of the maternity leave. Why didn't he?

Essiebee · 18/02/2014 22:15

I do not think you are being unreasonable; it is a selfish and immature thing to do, to use money for a singles holiday when you have a wife and child, no matter how long you have been planning it. It does not bode well for the future. The couple I know who do this are still together, after many years of his expensive solo holidays, but only because they both love him so much.

firesidechat · 18/02/2014 22:28

Why is it OP's money too?

Because they are married maybe.

Whenever I come on MN and read the threads about some people's financial arrangements, I come away thanking God that I am married to my husband and not some of the selfish idiots I hear about on here.

I am in no way against married people having separate activities. My husband went on walking weekends with his friends and I went on long weekends to Centre Parcs with mine. The main point being that we both had that opportunity and also had family holidays together. Very different to the OP's situation I think.

HappyMummyOfOne · 19/02/2014 08:56

The OP says they used "our money" to fund the maternity leave so not sure why the DH is getting berated for not assisting Hmm

It sounds like he has saved from his salary and from cash presents for a trip that means a lot to him.

MN is very funny sometimes, if this was a mum wanting to do someothing really special that she had been planning for a long time she would be told not to be a mummy matyr and get her bags packed. Yes when its the man he is abandoning his wife Hmm

Ragwort · 19/02/2014 09:02

Happy you make a very good point in your last paragraph, if this was the other way round everyone be telling the wife she had a 'controlling husband'.

wordfactory · 19/02/2014 09:13

OP, I'd be a bit peed off if DH buggered off for ten days for anything other than work.

However, if he's booked it now, and it's never going to come up again in his lifetime, I'd let him enjoy it guilt free.

VeryStressedMum · 19/02/2014 10:45

Well each to their own and all that...but I'm very glad my dh wouldn't save up all of 'his' money to take himself off on holiday while saying to me sorry love we used up all of 'your' holiday money to keep us afloat while you were on maternity leave looking after our baby...

We've both missed out on things we'd like to do because that's just the way it is when you've got a family.
And me and dh have been away lots of times on our own, he's also spent a week in the Caribbean without me or the dcs...but he didn't do it like that.

ITCouldBeWorse · 19/02/2014 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff · 19/02/2014 10:57

I think that is why you feel that this is unfair to you OP. Even though you agreed to it, looking at it now, it does seems that you spent the money that you could have used on a holiday, on maternity leave. He didn't.

Wantsunshine · 19/02/2014 10:57

As soon as he is back he had better continue to save for a holiday for you seeing as you funded the maternity leave which he should have been contributing for.