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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off dh is going on a holiday of a lifetime without me and dc?

126 replies

RedPencilPot · 18/02/2014 20:01

Right I prob ABU but I'm really fed up about this!

It's a very special interest holiday, one that I would never want to go on but I'm fed up that dh is getting a holiday this year and ds and I will go nowhere!

I'm back at work full time after having ds and come the summer(I'm a teacher) I will be exhausted, but due to finances we aren't able to afford a holiday for the family.

My poor dh has saved for this for ages and now the time has come I want to be happy for him and pleased he is going but tbh I just feel a bit envious.

He will be away for 10 days. I guess it's not even so much that he is going but the fact it is for so long and I'll not even get a wet weekend in a caravan! Grin

Needless to say he thinks I'm being v u and I can't talk too much about it as I really don't want to spoil it for him.

OP posts:
Salmotrutta · 18/02/2014 20:59

Birthday money belongs to the person it was given to IMO.

To spend as they wish.

Nobody would demand their children share out their birthday money so why should adults?

It can't be much fun never having a treat bought with your own birthday money, for yourself.

mercibucket · 18/02/2014 21:00

i agree 100 percent, thecatfromjapan

Original poster
RedPencilPot · 18/02/2014 21:00

Yes, he saved holiday money when I was on maternity leave for the holiday. I used my 'holiday' money to fund my maternity leave, or part thereof.

OP posts:
mercibucket · 18/02/2014 21:01

i think she spent her money on her mat leave

maybe i misunderstood that part

HappyMummyOfOne · 18/02/2014 21:01

"That any money he has/saves or is gifted must be distributed between you and DC."

I'd be most annoyed if i gifted my child money for birthdays/christmas and he was told to hand it over to his wife.

Its ten days not ten weeks, surely you can cope for that long for a trip of a lifetime that you dont appear to have objected to at any point.

Original poster
RedPencilPot · 18/02/2014 21:01

It's not that I can't look after ds but it's exhausting working full time and doing all the childcare.

I know other people do it but I'm in awe of them!

OP posts:
mercibucket · 18/02/2014 21:02

maybe ask him for half the childcare he saved while you did mat leave and use that to fund your holiday op

mercibucket · 18/02/2014 21:03

i entirely sympathise op. teaching is bloody draining at times. you will be fine but i still think your dh sounds all self self self

woodrunner · 18/02/2014 21:04

YABU. He's told you about this. He's asked others to chip in. He trusts you to be able to care for the DC. It's only 10 days. It's understandable that you envy him, but not that you begrudge him. Because when the time is right for you, he's set a precedent for you also being able to pursue a dream. Far better that than both being equal but thwarted through out a marriage.

Be glad you have a DH with passions and interests in life. And start planning something you'd love to do. It doesn't have to be a tit for tat 10 day holiday. Maybe there's a residential course or one night a week that you want to be able to do. Long term you'll be glad to be in a marriage where each person is encouraged to live some of their dreams.

TheGreatHunt · 18/02/2014 21:04

While you were on maternity leave you were looking after his child as well. It wasn't a jolly for you both.

This is why separate finances are perverse. What happens if there is an emergency spend on the DCs but because of split finances there isn't enough joint money? You have to use one person's"allowance". Do they feel resentful, do they expect to be paid back? Ridiculous.

Loopytiles · 18/02/2014 21:05

So your share of the money went on maternity leave, to care for your DC/recover from birth, and he keeps his to spend on a holiday?

That's not at all fair.

BoneyBackJefferson · 18/02/2014 21:05

merci

why is "his" money "their" money but "her" money "her" money?

thecatfromjapan · 18/02/2014 21:07

that should be"doormat". I'm a bit worried about you having pod"your" maternity leave with your holiday money.
And I want to re-stress that being on your own for that long with a little is bloody hard.
It's not your imagination.
I hope he really appreciates this. And supports you in your dreams. And I hope that you both get to have big dreams, not one partner getting to be the one with dreams, while the other gives up because there isn't any space.
Dh used to tell me I didn't like going away on holiday ...
(He was an arse. Hope your h isn't)

mercibucket · 18/02/2014 21:08

because it isnt

his money - he saved for a holiday for him

her money - she saved to look after his baby

that is how they currently appear to organise their finances

i simply suggest if they are doing separate finances he should cough up for childcare and pay her his contribution towards the mat leave

i am amazed more posters dont see it as unfair that she had to fund her mat leave while he got to save for a holiday for him. guess everyone runs their finances differently

clairemum22 · 18/02/2014 21:08

How is it that your holiday money was spend on having maternity leave? You were looking after your child effectively saving a family expense, if in childcare. Doesnt seem fair.

Electryone · 18/02/2014 21:08

I dont get this saving, ok hes asked for money as presents but the majority will have came out of his wages I bet - family money. Im the main wage earner versus my DH and I don't think of it us separate money. I know we all work finances different but it is just in my realm of experience that my DH would do this. Where is this destination anyway that you thought he would be away for a few days and hes saying 10 days is needed?!!!

VeryStressedMum · 18/02/2014 21:09

I think you know you're not being unreasonable in not wanting him to go, I think you don't feel he should be going and he should give you and your son more consideration, if you were totally ok with it you wouldn't post here on mn.

clairemum22 · 18/02/2014 21:09

Basically mercibucket I agree with you but you put it more eloquently!

AnyFuckerHQ · 18/02/2014 21:10

is it one of these tours here ?

they are very expensive for one person to use family money for

the key thing is that your mat leave was purely funded by you, while he managed to save for the "trip of a lifetime"

not fair

SirChenjin · 18/02/2014 21:10

Just coming onto this thread - am I right in thinking 'your' money funded your mat leave, but 'his' funded his holiday? If so, that sounds like you've got the rough end of the deal.

Fwiw, DH and I have separate finances (and it's not peverse...) - and it works well for us, has done for 20 years. We each pay for certain family things, and then any money left over goes on little things we each want or into a pot for the bigger things like holidays. I can't imagine either of us withholding money for a big thing like a personal holiday if it meant that each other plus the DCs went without a holiday. Bloody hell.

MrsDavidBowie · 18/02/2014 21:11

Wood runner puts it well.

Dh and I have separate breaks 2 or 3 times a year.
He has taken D's to Australia twice recently...Two three week holidays I didn't go on. I have no desire to go there.
He is currently skiing with D's..again I don't want to go. So dd and I are at home.

Salmotrutta · 18/02/2014 21:11

It's to do with WW I commemorations Electryone - it is mentioned in the thread - so possibly France/Belgium etc.

Electryone · 18/02/2014 21:13

Mercibucket, I agree with you.

VeryStressedMum · 18/02/2014 21:13

Mercibucket that's it exactly. She would gave had the money to send herself on a holiday of a life time but she spent it funding MATERNITY LEAVE.

jacks365 · 18/02/2014 21:14

I understood it as the joint savings covered mat leave but tgey both get personal spends too and he's been saving his to pay for this. I think we need clarification on how finances are organised