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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off dh is going on a holiday of a lifetime without me and dc?

126 replies

RedPencilPot · 18/02/2014 20:01

Right I prob ABU but I'm really fed up about this!

It's a very special interest holiday, one that I would never want to go on but I'm fed up that dh is getting a holiday this year and ds and I will go nowhere!

I'm back at work full time after having ds and come the summer(I'm a teacher) I will be exhausted, but due to finances we aren't able to afford a holiday for the family.

My poor dh has saved for this for ages and now the time has come I want to be happy for him and pleased he is going but tbh I just feel a bit envious.

He will be away for 10 days. I guess it's not even so much that he is going but the fact it is for so long and I'll not even get a wet weekend in a caravan! Grin

Needless to say he thinks I'm being v u and I can't talk too much about it as I really don't want to spoil it for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedPencilPot · 18/02/2014 20:38

I know, in the back of my mind I did think that it was a bit U for him to just assume that I'll do it and cope.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedPencilPot · 18/02/2014 20:40

I did say that 10 days was far too long but apparently it can't be done in less time.

OP posts:
mercibucket · 18/02/2014 20:43

i think he is acting like a self entitled dick. sorry. i would be v angry about this.

Megrim · 18/02/2014 20:43

My DH has just returned from a 10 day sailing holiday in the Caribbean. I stayed home with the kids. Was I jealous? Hell yes. Did I begrudge him? No.

But At least this time he didn't ring me up to say he was looking at Copacabana beach from the rooftop bar with a beer in his hand (although to be fair, that was for work).

Funnyfoot · 18/02/2014 20:46

If that's the case then shouldn't you have had this conversation with him before he booked the holiday?
The fact that he has saved up for a while (birthday/Christmas money instead of gifts) you must of realised it would be longer than just a weekend.
Resenting him for going when you originally told him he could will not be good for your relationship.

On his return tell him that future holidays will be spent as a family.
That any money he has/saves or is gifted must be distributed between you and DC.
Tell him that should he wish to spend time outside of the family he must ensure appropriate childcare and support for you is arranged.

All of the above will also apply to you.
I doubt you can do anything to change this situation but you need to tell him how it makes you feel so he does not repeat it.

charlieandlola · 18/02/2014 20:46

If it really is a one off, interest led holiday, then I would let him go.
My dh went off for a 2 week jolly around the battle fields of Europe when my kids were v small, and I give thanks almost weekly that he has got it out of his system, to spare us having to devote our family holidays to his hobby.

He is currently saving for the American Civil War sites, and I will cheerily wave him off.
We now have a week in May and a week in July camping in France to facilitate these trips and my two child free long weekend breaks in Europe.
It is all about give and take.

If negotiations were not clearly made, then YANBU.
If they were and now the time has come for him to go and it is real and you are getting cold feet, then I empathise, but actually YABU.

Original poster
RedPencilPot · 18/02/2014 20:47

I have no problem with him going but it's the length of time I am concerned about.

OP posts:
TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 18/02/2014 20:48

Ok, if it is his thing and it is once in a lifetime and it can't be done in less than ten days then I think I would agree assuming that there are funds available to pay for extra childcare and that he makes those arrangements for you and does everything to minimise the impact if his absence - fills the freezer, does a big shop and big clean before he goes, you go off to a friend's for a weekend when he is back or he takes DC out as much as possible if you are still BF

He needs to appreciate that it's a big thing he's getting out of the resource pot (not just money but time) and to make it as easy as he can for you in return, not be thinking you are unreasonable (if he does think that?)

MisForMumNotMaid · 18/02/2014 20:49

So how is the trip split? Is it one weekend and two bits of week when your DS is at childcare?

Is the weekend probably going to be the worst bit? Do you have family near by who could do the Saturday or Sunday or come to stay (if that doesn't create more work).

SqueeksAway · 18/02/2014 20:49

It's a once in a lifetime opportunity....

Do you have family or a friend you could visit for a week and then drop a very unsubtle hint you'd like him to plan fund and book a really lovely weekend with just you or you and ds to make up for it

Possibly though as I'm a single mum as well as teacher I'm pretty easy going and happy about being alone with baby/child/teen at holiday times it's a very tiring time of year to be a teacher though so maybe that's influencing your emotions about it

Salmotrutta · 18/02/2014 20:51

I don't understand why posters are saying the OP's DH is spending "family" money when he has saved up for this using his birthday money, his spending money etc. Hmm

And, she has pointed out that it's a bit of a "one-off" type thing for WW commemorations.

mercibucket · 18/02/2014 20:51

why does it have to be 10 days? what is he doing?

anyhow, start saving for your 10 day trip next summer Grin

(oh how i wish this would really happen. i know i wouldnt actually do it. instead i might take up a time intensive hobby that took up a day every weekend )

Salmotrutta · 18/02/2014 20:53

I don't "let" my husband do things either.

Salmotrutta · 18/02/2014 20:54

Meant to add:-

You don't "let" adults do things.

Oblomov · 18/02/2014 20:54

I disagree with most.
I wound never deny dh the opportunity.
But then I still can't quite understand your jealousy. There are still 5 months until your august holiday. Enough time to save for a short camping long weekend , which cost is a lot less than many other holidays.

MollyHooper · 18/02/2014 20:55

YANBU to feel daunted by ten days.

Is there anything that could make it easier?

Make DH Do some batch cooking so evening meals are easier? Make plans to visit family/have family or friends visit?

mercibucket · 18/02/2014 20:56

for me it is less about money than time and expecting his wife to just cover for him

but wrt money, in my household all money is shared, including birthday and xmas money. if you cant afford a family holiday you cant afford for birthday money to be spent on just one person either. i know not everyone runs their finances that way though

SelectAUserName · 18/02/2014 20:56

I don't think either of you ABU really. I get that it's a one-time-only chance for him because of timing, and I get that you are understandably mizz about not getting a holiday at all. Although 10 days does seem a little excessive if it's just in Northern Europe - is there really no compromise to be made there? (BTW do you mean WWI commemorations rather than WWII, given that it's 100 years since the outbreak of the former?)

I personally couldn't do it. My friend moved to Australia for a few years and I had an open invitation to visit, but for various health reasons my DH would have been unable to make the trip. If I had gone, it would have used up all our potential holiday money for that year on flights plus a big chunk of my annual leave allowance, leaving no money and little time to have a holiday with DH. So I didn't go, much as I would have loved to. I didn't resent DH for it though - it was 100% my decision and I know if I had chosen to go, he would have supported me 100%.

jacks365 · 18/02/2014 20:56

What are your actual concerns over the length of time? Ignore the fact that you and your dc aren't getting a holiday because from the sounds of it you wouldn't be going away even if your dh wasn't going because if he hadn't put so much effort into getting the money together it wouldn't exist. What are the practical issues that need solving?

HermioneWeasley · 18/02/2014 20:57

The 10 days bit feels unreasonable to me

And the fact that he wants to spend "his" money on himself instead of the family.

I am all in favour of people having weekends away with their friends/doing their hobbies etc, but this does come across as selfish.

VeryStressedMum · 18/02/2014 20:57

What? How long has he been saving for? 10 years? You had baby in the summer and were pregnant for 9 odd month's before that, why was he saving to go away on a holiday that you wouldn't be able to go on because you've had a child...his child.
You used all money that you had when you were on maternity leave but he saved up to send himself on holiday?
Of course he thinks you're being unreasonable because he wants to go simple as that.
It's not even a question of did you say yes (which you didn't for this), but for me that he is doing it anyway.

thecatfromjapan · 18/02/2014 20:58

With regard to coping - it's hard but you will. Dh ( he of the parent holidays) took a job with a lot of travel just after our first was born. I have respect for those who parent alone because I found the weeks alone with a tiny baby hard. Bit I am still here. But - and I know I keep repeating this- there has to be mutuality and respect or it is just you being a dooat. I found this put far too late, myself. I think dh ended up taking me for granted and assuming he had a right to the lion's share of all the family resources. I would advise any mother/parent/ partner to keep a really careful eye on the sotuatiom.

Ragwort · 18/02/2014 20:58

I think you are being a little U - this is something your DH loves to do, if it is for WW! commemorations then obviously 2014 is a very significant year. The issue is that you say you wouldn't want to holiday without your DH or DS. That is your issue.

We have got into a ridiculous pattern of very expensive holidays that my DH and DS like, it is for a sport that I have no interest in. I do tag along but it is such a waste of money for me to go - I keep saying 'why not go without me?' but I guess they feel that I shouldn't be 'missing out' (on something I am not that keen on in the first place Confused). To me, it's not about the money, more the waste of time, I would be perfectly happy on my own at home with peace and quiet.

Sorry to waffle on, let your DH enjoy this trip and then think about future family holidays for all of you. Smile

Original poster
RedPencilPot · 18/02/2014 20:59

Oh I'm confused now! I don't know if I'm being U or not! Blush

OP posts:
WhoNickedMyName · 18/02/2014 20:59

I don't understand why posters are saying the OP's DH is spending "family" money when he has saved up for this using his birthday money, his spending money etc.

Me either. OP hasn't complained that he has more 'spending money' than her. He's chosen to save his money towards this holiday, she's chosen to spend her money on coffee and cake, nights out and designer shoes maybe... who knows?

I'd expect him to bring you a fabulous gift home though Grin.