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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that telling a child is Shut Up on a regular basis is bad parenting?

70 replies

Wishyouwould · 18/02/2014 08:28

My STBXH often told me to shut up. He didn't and still doesn't think there is anything wrong with it.

When my 10yr old son told me to Shut Up (I chastised him for saying it but he didn't see a problem - 'Why not say it to you, Dad does?) I was beyond upset.

I know that my EX tells our children to Shut Up. Last night my DD phoned wanting to come home because her Dad had shouted at her and told her to Shut Up again. Am I over reacting to be so upset that this is how he speaks to our DC?

OP posts:

isitsnowingyet · 18/02/2014 08:32

You're not over reacting.

bochead · 18/02/2014 08:42

No this isn't an acceptable way to speak to a child. They only learn to be polite, kind adults if we role model behaviour for them throughout their formative years.

ClaraFox · 18/02/2014 09:29

I think it's unacceptable. Having said that though, I've been known to go through a cycle of ' quiet please' and ' will you be quiet?' To an abrupt ' that's enough now. Shut up! ' so it depends on the context.

Oh and I'm not in the least bit shouty or abusive.

ZenNudist · 18/02/2014 09:31

Yanbu.but when pushed by my very loud ds I hAve been known to snap and say shut up and similar bad terms. Always feel guilty afterwards.i know its setting a bad example.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 18/02/2014 09:34

There are two things utterances that have always raised my hackles.

Someone being told to shut up and someone being told they're stupid.

It's belitting to be spoken to in such a way.

shoppingbagsundereyes · 18/02/2014 09:45

There was a thread about this a few weeks ago. Prepare to be harangued by parents who believe they are entitled to speak to their children however they wish, that shut up is not harmful and that you are patronising them to indicate otherwise. That's what happened to me when I agreed with the same viewpoint as yours on that thread.

Joysmum · 18/02/2014 09:45

Shut is needed but should be used to back up more reasoned explainations.

I've liked to point out to my DD in restaurants and public places when children and adults are loud and badly behaved. I've made my point by asking her what she thinks of these people. She knows how people who are loud, dont allow others equal time to talk and don't listen, or are badly behaved are thought of by others.

So if she is any of those things, she is reminded gently backed up with what it is she's doing wrong, but if I need to ask a second time it's a sharp instruction and I will talk to her about the situation at a later time.

'Shut up' should never be the first response but I'm not anti 'shut up'.

Jinty64 · 18/02/2014 09:46

It's a horrible thing to say to anyone.

SaucyJack · 18/02/2014 09:51

I kind of agree...... but I still end up saying it most mornings. I only have so much patience for nine-year-olds and their stupid tantrums over getting dressed.

Would "Be quiet" or "Enough" be acceptable?

Joysmum · 18/02/2014 09:53

Jinty why?

If a child knows the reasons why and still continues, how long does a parent wait before actually parenting and issuing an instruction?

LadyintheRadiator · 18/02/2014 09:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

permaquandry · 18/02/2014 09:57

Echo what youstayclassy said. Not nice, it's just nasty, IMHO. They almost sound like swear words and can damage you even more.

Talk to him and ask him to stop, just because he doesn't think there's anything wrong with it, clearly your dd does and he should want to avoid upsetting her.

It's not about his opinion of a word, it's how it affects others.

Hope you get this sorted and your dd is ok.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 18/02/2014 09:58

It's a terrible way to speak to anyone, flame away if people disagree with the sentiment but that's what I believe < shrugs shoulders>

When my 3 boys were younger, noisy and being irritating [14, 16 and 18 now, so there are still times] I'd say iirc

I've had enough of this, please be quiet.
Stop being so loud, it's irritating.
Stop arguing , you're being rude.

Or words akin but never shut up.

wonderingsoul · 18/02/2014 09:59

i dont like it.. but i have said it.. when be quite , stop shouting and being loud. enough.. has not worked.. normally when im at the end of my teather.

i dont like it becasue it comes across as quite agresssive i think.

whilst i dont liek it and not proud of using it at times, i think if thats the worse and it is i say to my children than im not emotionally damaging them for life.

Burma · 18/02/2014 10:00

Oh I say shout it when they push me to the brink ! I do feel cross with myself afterwards but honest to god children really do know how to push you sometimes.

MrsOakenshield · 18/02/2014 10:00

yes, agree, I hate and won't use 'shut up' or 'stupid'. I only ever use it in jest to adults, but I won't use it with a child. It's horribly aggressive and dismissive.

A firm 'be quiet' or 'that's enough' should be effective and are civil.

RedFocus · 18/02/2014 10:01

Oh not this one again, there will be another thread about parking in a minute

wonderingsoul · 18/02/2014 10:02

stupid is just vile.. its an actuall insult and can go very deep.

Topaz25 · 18/02/2014 10:03

YANBU, it's rude and doesn't teach children good manners. I can certainly understand why people would snap and say it under stress but it shouldn't be repeated regularly.

GretaWolfcastle · 18/02/2014 10:03

had this before
i said it was

was roundly shouted at for being a smug twat

i have never ever said it to any of my kids

HoneyDragon · 18/02/2014 10:03

I think shut up to mean shut down and dismiss is wrong.

However I have been known to wail

"Please, please just for 5 minutes will you all shut up, please?"

And it works because they know they broken me

I think its like calling your child stupid. No you shouldn't at all, but a hug and a hair ruffle and and a don't be stupid in silly play, is entirely different to gelling your child they are stupid.

GretaWolfcastle · 18/02/2014 10:03

if that makes me a better parent - hey i take it!

GretaWolfcastle · 18/02/2014 10:04

you talk to your kids as you want them to talk to you and others....

YouStayClassySanDiego · 18/02/2014 10:07

Greta I missed that thread.

HoneyDragon · 18/02/2014 10:08

No you all to your kids as they they should talk to others. Not want to others.

I don't know about you but I often run into people that I want To say "shut up" to and indeed point out that they are "stupid".

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