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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that telling a child is Shut Up on a regular basis is bad parenting?

70 replies

Wishyouwould · 18/02/2014 08:28

My STBXH often told me to shut up. He didn't and still doesn't think there is anything wrong with it.

When my 10yr old son told me to Shut Up (I chastised him for saying it but he didn't see a problem - 'Why not say it to you, Dad does?) I was beyond upset.

I know that my EX tells our children to Shut Up. Last night my DD phoned wanting to come home because her Dad had shouted at her and told her to Shut Up again. Am I over reacting to be so upset that this is how he speaks to our DC?

OP posts:
HoneyDragon · 18/02/2014 10:08

*all should be talk, sorry

blahblahblah2014 · 18/02/2014 10:10

Is everyone afraid to tell their kids off and discipline them these days? Shut up is a basic instruction - Can you kids not follow this? Really dont see what is wrong with this. No wonder kids get away with murder these days when their parents wont discipline them in any way ( and softly softly talks do not do the trick when they are being little shits or are being naughty)

YouStayClassySanDiego · 18/02/2014 10:21

blahblah

I've never been afraid at reprimanding or disciplining my children, I've chosen to speak to them in a way that I'm comfortable with.

I wouldn't be happy to be told to shut up by anyone and I wouldn't speak to anyone else, never mind tell my own kids.

It's all about expectations.

GretaWolfcastle · 18/02/2014 10:25

agree diego - wouldnt like it to be said to me, so dont say to others. Or even H

people get SO CROSS about this choice! Grin

SaucyJack · 18/02/2014 10:26

I wouldn't be happy to be told to shut up by anyone

Neither would I. But would you be behaving in a way that needing telling in the first place at your age?

If I took to following DP round the supermarket whinging for sweets and kicking the trolley because I was BOOOOOOORRRRRRREEEEEEEEED then I wouldn't necessarily expect to be spoken to politely either.

GretaWolfcastle · 18/02/2014 10:29

you are an adult

anyway - this thread never ends well - am happy in my choices, perhaps -smugger-- Wink happier than the shaddaaap shouters

do they also offer slaps to kids in supermarkets? Grin

shoppingbagsundereyes · 18/02/2014 10:29

On the last thread I said that as a teacher I wouldn't speak to my own children in a way that I wouldn't use at school with other people's children. The 'shut up' defenders were adamant they would be happy for a teacher to tell their child to 'shut up'. I doubt that very much.

Burma · 18/02/2014 10:49

It's the smugness on here that makes me want to scream Shut The Fuck Up to certain posters....

Of course a teacher shouldn't tell a child to shut up, I've got twin boys and another younger boy and quite honestly I could chuck a grenade in amongst them some days and it wouldn't make a blind bit of difference. I don't defend myself for saying it occasionally but I do snort at the idea of me quietly reasoning with 3 maniacal, testosterone fuelled boys in full swing and expecting them to listen Grin!

SackAndCrack · 18/02/2014 11:07

Ergh its horrible and Im guilty of it. Not every minute of every day but I do, probably once a day and I always feel very guilty.

This is no defense at all but DC1 is going through SN dx at the moment and as well as getting help for him, I need help for me to about how to handle him better. We rub along nicely most of the time but I know I need to deal with him diferently to an NT child sometimes and I dont get that right. This is frustrating for both of us sometimes.

MrsOakenshield · 18/02/2014 11:16

I don't think people are being smug. For me, this just happens to be one of those things that, no matter what, I won't do (along with smacking) - for me personally they are such horrible, dismissive, disrespectful things to say to anyone, and as the OP has discovered, I certainly don't want to hear DD saying them to me or DH. But I would win no 'mum of the year' awards, and I'm fully aware of that - I certainly have a temper and am rather more shouty than I want to be, but I have managed to hold back on saying those things.

That's all.

MichonnesSamuraiSword · 18/02/2014 11:21

Yes I think it's unnacceptable, and no I don't think you're wrong OP.

My friend does this to her DCs constantly. When she's on the phone for the 100th time that day, and her DC wants her attention and she screams "What is this in my hand? Yes it's the phone. SO SHUT UP and go and watch TV" it sets my teeth on edge.

But I don't have DCs, so when I complain about it I'm told I don't know what it's like. But I just feel instinctively that it's wrong.

MrsKCastle · 18/02/2014 11:28

I would never say it to my DDs. I find it incredibly rude. It doesn't mean I don't discipline them or let them get away with things. I might say 'That's enough!' Or 'No talking now, I'm on the phone' but never 'Shut Up'.

BarbarianMum · 18/02/2014 11:34

If

'Please stop arguing'

'Please stop arguing'

'STOP arguing you two'

'Are you listening to me? STOP'

have failed, I will resort to

'Will you SHUT UP!'

About once a day, on average.

SpookedMackerel · 18/02/2014 11:37

I hate shut up.

I have said it before to my children, when i have totally lost my rag with them but I have always felt terrible immediately and apologised afterwards. It was awful of me and I wish I could say I have never done it.

I have never said it to dh, nor him to me, and I would be extremely upset if he did, I think it is akin to swearing at someone, really rude and aggessive.

Artandco · 18/02/2014 11:43

Never said to child or adult. I discipline my children as needed but see no reason to ever say ' shut up'. Surely ' can you just give me a moment', ' please quiet down a minute' etc etc is just as effective with an explanation of why if needed ie ' I'm on phone', ' need 5 mins quiet time'

thinking101 · 18/02/2014 11:43

Listen, stop, stop speaking and shut up are allt hinges I have said to my DS. I've posted elsewhere about him not listening or acknowledging then doing whatever anyway.

I think contex is everything.

I listen to my DS I ask hi, questions about his day, what he makes with Lego. We are working hard on how to have better conversations.

So while I dont think it is bad parenting to use the phrase, it depends on context if it is balanced out with other efforts.

I think when I read the thread title like these and other I would be mob lynched if MN heard me getting DS ready in am for school. I'm struggling at the moment with him and I sometime think I don't want to be a parent anymore. I'm consoling myself that he is healthy, we'll fed and clothed and doing well at school. Otherwise I'd go bonkers.

Burma · 18/02/2014 11:51

Artandco did you see my post re 3 boys aged 9 and 11? Noise levels are phenomenal - they wouldn't even notice me if I was hovering around asking nicely if they wouldn't mind piping down a bit.

thinking101 I totally get what you are saying. Mine absolutely do not listen when they are all together, I feel utterly invisible some days.

MammaTJ · 18/02/2014 11:54

I have said it in desperation! I defy anyone to have 8 year old DD off more than an hour, where they are unable to give her their undivided attention, and not want to say it! I control the urge for a lot longer than that, saying 'please let mummy make this 5 minute phone call, then I will listen' or things like that, but to no avail! She has to get those words out of her head and in to my ears, no matter what! So, yes, I do resort to shut up on occasion!

Artandco · 18/02/2014 11:54

Burma - they should notice someone standing next to them saying it, shouting anything seems unnecessary unless they are about to be run over. Surely no one should be playing/ screaming so loudly they can't hear another person near them ask them something. It's disrespectful.

Burma · 18/02/2014 11:56

Artandco you are having a laugh! 3 boys?? They make enough noise esp if they have friends around to lift the roof off! I assume you don't have multiples of boys then Grin!

WandaDoff · 18/02/2014 12:01

I have been known to tell my children to shut up.

Its usually after a long period of shushing & polite requests to be quiet though. Certainly not my first response, it'll take a bit of provocation.

thinking101 · 18/02/2014 12:03

burma thank you. I'm at a particularly low point today.

There was an occasion recently I was giving him an instruction related to safety, he was inches away. I ended up yanking him into place as he just didn't listen then act.

I am currently not speaking to him and leaving DH to it.

Artandco · 18/02/2014 12:03

I do actually, only boys. Even at the weekend when there was 6 of them playing when friends over they managed perfectly well to hear cake was ready and answered any questions thrown their way. I'm probably the big old meany then, but even in woods in the middle of no where I wouldn't expect anyone to run around screaming heads off beyond being heard. If dhs playing his guitar I wouldn't just shout at him, I would go up to him, And say something nicely.

Different strokes for different folks and all that I suppose

eightandthreequarters · 18/02/2014 12:03

I've said it when I really, really need them to be quiet (important phone call) and they WILL NOT despite repeated polite requests. Doesn't happen often - two or three times/year? - and never happened before they hit the tweens, but does ever happen.

stooshe · 18/02/2014 12:05

I've said it and not in desperation. No qualms or crying in the dark about it from me. Furthermore, if somebody is stupid and assertive with it, I will call that behaviour out in the clearest way possible....AFTER I have explained time and again and listened to moaning about a certain consistent behaviour reaping certain consistent unwanted results. I'll say without guilt "you're stupid" or the better one "you're a fool".
Some people need to be told for their own sakes, especially if they are dependant on you for instruction.
I haven't sent anybody to the Maudsley because of it.