PIL Issue. Need some perspective.

[NameChangedForPILissue]

NC'd for obvious reasons.

PIL are very well off. Rich enough that MIL doesn't and has never worked. FIL earns a huge amount, and is unbelievably tight with it too (refuses to update 25 year old kitchen, 30 year old bathroom, won't buy MIL a new car even though hers is verging on dangerous, won't spend more than £10 per GC at christmas etc).

They are set to become millionaires with some inheritance that is probably due to come in the next year or two. For now they live on their £200k+ a year income with very little expenditure.

For the past 8 years, they have given us money every month to help with our living expenses. It began when DH was at university, before we met, and was the standard parents helping out a child at uni situation. DH always worked PT to top this up.

After leaving uni, DH wasn't able to get a job in his field and so has subsequently had to retrain, and is halfway through that process. This means he is earning low for now as he is studying whilst working so is essentially unskilled. In around 2 years, we hope he will be on a good salary. I am also on a relatively low wage.

We've been married since 2010, and since then they've given us £500 a month to help us out. Obviously, this is very generous and e appreciate this. SIL has had the same.

SIL no longer needs this, as her and her husband have now got high flying careers (lawyer and pilot) and no children, and do FIL has decided to stop all our payments.

We've just moved into a new home, and have a baby due in a few weeks. The timing could not be worse.

DH is so furious he wants to tell him we are cutting him out and never seeing him again. I don't know what to do - is he being selfish and awful? Or is it his money and we should be grateful for what we've had up until now?

[Sarahschuster]

What serenity and purplebaubles said.

[KateSMumsnet]

AHEM! Another reminder of talk guidelines, in case you missed the first.

We've deleted some post that we felt broke the GL, but if this thread continues on a downward trajectory, we may have to zap it for being a bunfight, which no-one really wants.

[Roussette]

A drop in income is a shock, that much is understandable. I just hope that NameChanged is tweaking detail on her posts for privacy purposes because it just seems strange. And I just do not understand the £11K salary. It is not possible, I know people in this field and no way are their salaries so low as £11K and they are in their early 20's.

NameChanged - you are going to HAVE to afford it. Now whether that means your DH changing direction and getting a better paid job or downgrading where you live, you just have to.

[LaurieFairyCake]

I think it's never a good idea to grovel to a financially abusive person.

Just confirms to them that money is all powerful and they're the big swinging dick.

It would sour your relationship if he took a delight in saying no.

[MonstrousPippin]

OP, I feel for you because there are obviously feelings of hurt and rejection that are clouding things. Many people have been suggesting various things that might help and might present savings and you are explaining one by one, why each suggestion wouldn't work. You could almost be talking to your FIL, explaining why you still need the £500.

I therefore think, first and foremost, you have to deal with the hurt of your FIL taking the money away. You know that you've been very fortunate - you've said that. To you, it makes no sense that FIL has taken the money away at this time - how could he do that to you when DH is still studying, you've just moved and the baby is nearly here? It feels like he's done it specifically to make life difficult just when you need it most. Deep down though, you probably know that's not true. There would never have been a good time for him to stop the payments. He's been wanting to do it for a while and he probably thought that it would be even worse if he took it away after the baby was born.

You're both going to have to take a deep breath, accept what has happened, be thankful for what you've had previously and put the resentment to one side whilst you sort out the practicalities of how you are going to afford to live. In my opinion, don't cut out the PIL without thinking very hard, so give it some time.

So with respect to practicalities; have you spoken to your landlord at all? I know you've signed the lease and 'can't get out of it' BUT you can't afford it - it's a fact. You must speak to them about how your circumstances have changed and you can no longer afford the rent. Ask would they consider reducing the term of the lease to say 6 months (give you time to have the baby and then get on to looking for somewhere new). You don't ask, you don't get.

I don't know all the details of your circumstances and there's no need to list why my suggestions don't work for you, but the sort of thing you need to be thinking is:

• is there anything you don't need you can sell?
  
• can you get bar work closer to home or better paid?
  
• are there any bills you can cancel? (phone contracts, club memberships, etc)
  

Get financial advice from CAB or someone similar. You've got to get these plans underway now.

Look for little changes first and then if that doesn't save enough e.g. if you need your car for work but you can't afford your car, you're looking at bigger changes such as change of job etc.

What institution is your DH studying with? I know of someone who got an emergency loan from their university when they were faced with a sudden change of circumstances.

[exhaustedmummymoo]

OP I have just checked, unless you work for your self you have to take as bare minimum 6 weeks mat leave, you can't take just 3 weeks or your employers will be breaking the law

[NameChangedForPILissue]

SIL is a lawyer, and has given us some advice.

We aren't entitled to any benefits, including CTC and WTC. There are reasons for this, which i won't go into to protect my anonymity.

My parents are deceased.

[Welshwabbit]

Sorry, OP, have just seen a post from you (later than I started writing mine) saying your parents are dead. Wouldn't have mentioned them if I'd seen that, obviously.

[CinnabarRed]

I also think you've taken a real pasting here. DH and I would struggle if our income dropped by 20/25% odd, which seems roughly the comparative here.

I assume you're tactically fudging details for anonymity, not trollishness.

[NameChangedForPILissue]

We have nothing to sell, and nothing to cancel. We don't even have a TV or licence.

DH doesn't study with an institution, he does it through his work.

exhausted that's wrong, you only have to take 2 weeks maternity leave.

[NameChangedForPILissue]

cinna yes, and I made that clear, But thank you for noticing! I've been 'outed' once before and I am worried about it again, so I won't give certain details. Just won't.

welsh totally fine, no problem.

[Serenitysutton]

If he's training as a chartered accountant/ possibly banker (is that even something which requires a qualification?) he won't be at a university, just a professional college. They don't support students in the same way.
I don't see what CAb could do. If she can't pay her rent she can't pay it. Her LL would rather know that now than have them stay to be evicted.

[Welshwabbit]

Name, you are right that only 2 weeks' mat leave is compulsory.

[CinnabarRed]

And I'm shocked that FIL didn't give you any notice at all of the change. To my mind, that's the real horror- not that he stopped financially supporting you, but that he didn't give you a few weeks or months to adjust your finances.

[winklewoman]

FWIW I absolutely think your DH is predominantly the one in the wrong here.

I can't imagine what made you want to spend your life with and have dependent chilren with someone who can't look after himself though!

If the OP and her DH were on benefits and someone had posted the above, no doubt they would have been soundly flamed for benefit bashing.

The OP has made some questionable decisions and has expressed her situation in rather unfortunate terms but the bile being dished out on here is unnecessary and unedifying.

[Welshwabbit]

One more thing - you mentioned your SIL is a lawyer; I'm a lawyer, but I only really know about my specialism. Is your SIL a landlord and tenant/property lawyer? If not, she may well have only a limited idea about those areas of law and you will get more detail from someone (e.g. in a law centre) who knows that area better. I am always getting asked to give advice on things I know nothing about!

Good luck with all this. I hope things get better for you.

[NameChangedForPILissue]

540 messages and finally!

The issue is that he has stopped, without any notice. Gone back on a promise that has led to us making certain choices that we would otherwise not have made.

That's the issue.

Everyone has just got so worked up about how ungrateful I am (I'm not) and didn't see the actual issue.

[Victrix]

Hi OP,

Just wanted to ask what route your DH is taking towards chartership? If he's going down the cert-diploma route he should already have at least a diploma which should net him a job on more than 11k- appreciate this might be difficult if he's doing the MBA.

Even so, he should look at other jobs- should definitely be on more than 11k in banking if he's doing professional qualifications.

[NameChangedForPILissue]

welsh no, she isn't, and probably we could get better advice. I don't know if she asked someone, but she came back to us yesterday with some info about what we aren't entitled to.

[NameChangedForPILissue]

I think, though will have to check with him later, that his salary is reduced to pay for the training/courses/materials/exams?

[SnookyPooky]

Christ on a bike, this thread is like War & Peace.
Agree with other posters, a lot if inconsistencies.It's bizarre.

[Serenitysutton]

But you asked IYWBU, not how long it will take others to agree with your pov

[HarrietVaneAgain]

I have no advice on this situation but I think you have been treated very harshly on here. I hope thing improve for you soon. I know people in a similar situation, a family financially reliant in the parents and it leads to all sorts of angst if you can find another way do.

[WeAreDetective]

Did see the issue.

I suggested you talk to PILs about a loan.

But you said that was impossible.

I suggested you move house.

That was impossible.

I have suggested that your DH gives up his studies and gets a higher paying job until such time has he can afford to return to his studies.

To be honest, I couldn't see anything else to suggest

I also think others have been trying to give you suggestions too.

[Serenitysutton]

His salary is not reduced to pay for exams. That's not how it works.