To not understand attitudes to weddings

[Sarahschuster]

Family member currently planning wedding. She and her partner are fretting about:

Which friend takes on what role and whether this will cause resentment.
Who should pay for the tasteless matching outfits they are insisting people wear.
Seating pans for meal.
How to afford the 20 grand the whole thing is going to cost.
Arguments over who can/can't afford overnight accommodation out of their friends.
What they can get away with demanding in the wayof expensive gifts.
Already predicting which friends will not get them generous enough gifts.

From the evidence of numerous MN threads, this is pretty common. AIBU to wonder what on earth is wrong with people? If you want to make a public commitment together, great. What on earth do endless bridesmaids, groomsmen, hideous outfits, arguments, vast expense etc. have to do with genuine love and commitment? Why would you assume it's ok to put your friends to considerable expense to affirm your love and comittment? Why would you not have a simple ceremony, dinner down the pub and use the money for something real rather than one desperately attention seeking day that will cause you more stress than it does pleasure?

[GertyD]

After reading post after post of offended guests opinions, we have tried so hard to suit everyone. I do believe if you throw a party though (the reception) then you are a host and should cater for and respect your guests. MN has taught me to scrap the wedding breakfast, have everything exceptionally local, not to bother with traditional weather party outfits and once all the effort and arrangements are done, to just get on with it and stop worrying

[Ragwort]

Jengnr - no way am I planning to get married a third time but I would always expect as host to provide the drinks at an event I was inviting guests to. I wouldn't expect my guests to travel a long way to my wedding, possibly have to pay for overnight accommodation and then pay for their own drinks for the 'pleasure' of seeing me get married. .

[RedFocus]

I have no idea why people spend so much on a wedding. It's about love and commitment not getting yourself into debt before you are even married and the run up and day should be spent looking forward to a wonderful celebration of love. Seriously I've been married twice and my first wedding was all I've the top and expensive and look how that turned out, it was like we thought the more money we throw at it the better our marriage will be. My second wedding was small, quiet and only us! Best bloody day of my life! We couldn't be any happier if we tried because the day (as it should be) was about us and our love for one another.

[Jengnr]

ragwort Why? You're providing a meal (and I did say wine with that). The rest is the same as any other organised party you go to - you buy your own drinks at the bar be it a wedding, christening, 40th, anniversary party, works do, whatever.

It's not 'for the privilege of watching you get married' it's sharing your celebrations. How many big celebrations have a free bar? I don't think I've ever been to a wedding where all the drinks are free and can't believe that people are so grabby as to expect it tbh.

It's my wedding anniversary today. Our wedding was big ish. We didn't go into debt for it, we had help paying for it. The guests bought their own drinks (and they can't have minded much as the bar was packed), we had a wedding list, I had a fuck off expensive dress and we didn't invite children (except my niece who was a bridesmaid).

It was bloody brilliant. Thankfully the guests we invited were lovely, proper friends and had an amazing time celebrating with us rather than bitching about hotel rooms, pay bars and evening dos.

[HappyMummyOfOne]

"I cannot bear it when the wedding becomes more important than the marriage.

And if you can't afford it (without a loan, gifts, selling stuff etc) then don't do it!"

Well said. Most weddings nowadays seem little about the vows and the actual marriage and more "look at me and this big event i can arrange with matching seat covers". No doubt followed by a request that guests pay their entry fee (aka stupid grabby poem asking for cash).

It cant be that stressful to arrange, its one day! How on earth do you think people who plan events for work day it day out cope

[talulahbelle]

Our wedding all in was £4k, for about 40people and I thought that was a lot. Registry office service at 11am, then off to a local hotel for a midday meal, a fair amount of free booze, and an afternoon on the hotel lawn in the sun playing jenga and chatting with friends. We then booked a bus for the evening to a local bar, where we laid on a buffet and more alcohol for anyone who wanted to join us - about half the guests did in the end, and a fair amount of acquaintances turned up in the evening too.

It was fairly stressful to organise even though I wasn't fussed about invites (emailed out) bridesmaids (we had one friend who was reused a dress she had already as a witness) flowers (a bunch for me but that was it) or table decorations. My mum organised the table decor and I can't even remember what it looked like. We didn't bother with a gift list, as we'd lived together before there didn't seem much point, and avoided the cheesy cash poem too.

Honestly one of the best and most fun days of my life, and I can't say we lost out by skipping a great deal of the wedding tradition. The only thing DH insisted on was a posh car to get us from the registry office to the hotel. One of my favourite memories is me and him drinking whiskey from his hip flask on the way across.

[Mia4]

Dome guests need to.be handholded and considered, especially if there are family and friend rifts. It's very stressful. Some of dp's relatives are divorced and separated very unamicably and we've been told point blank that they won't tolerate each other and telling them not to come will cause further rift.

I also was told by two friends that they were disappointed that I hadn't asked their opinion or help, as was both our sets of parents. Dp and I didn't even think to put on them and wanted to do ourselves. They didnt offer at the time either.

You will always offend someone even if you.bend over backwards because b&g way is not everyone's way. It can be stressful especially when it's the people you last expect putting their oars in. Then of course b&g do their way and it's stressful because.other.people moan and are annoyed about something.

One of my cousins really missed me off. Our venue is v small and has limited amount but it's perfect for our disabled and limited mobility guests, it's perfect for us. We got the numbers down including all family and friends dp's but 6 weeks before the wedding cousin gets a guy, waits til after RSVP and then sends a 're are both coming' small-town no asking just stating. She then creates when we say no and says a good friend should be booted for her dp or maybe one of the grandparents would prefer jot to come since their mobility is bad. Venue won't budge on fire safety Rey numbers or add another meal and we say no anyway because she's an entitled mare. Cue more family dramaand fcreating.

[Mia4]

Pissed me off

[Ragwort]

Jengnr - neither way is right or wrong but for me I would want to treat my friends to drinks if I am organising the celebration.

To be honest most of the weddings/parties etc I have been to have provided drinks - often they are catered for at home or in a village hall. I don't consider it's grabby of my guests to expect me to provide the food and drinks, it's just how I would organise something.

[Jengnr]

Fair enough ragwort

You just see so much of that on here and whoever it was begrudging the bride her dress because it meant they had to buy their own drinks really grated my cheese. So sorry,


This next bit isn't aimed at you btw :)

It's possible to have a big wedding and be entirely committed to the marriage and the years ahead - some people on here seem to think you can only have one or the other.