To not understand attitudes to weddings

[Sarahschuster]

Family member currently planning wedding. She and her partner are fretting about:

Which friend takes on what role and whether this will cause resentment.
Who should pay for the tasteless matching outfits they are insisting people wear.
Seating pans for meal.
How to afford the 20 grand the whole thing is going to cost.
Arguments over who can/can't afford overnight accommodation out of their friends.
What they can get away with demanding in the wayof expensive gifts.
Already predicting which friends will not get them generous enough gifts.

From the evidence of numerous MN threads, this is pretty common. AIBU to wonder what on earth is wrong with people? If you want to make a public commitment together, great. What on earth do endless bridesmaids, groomsmen, hideous outfits, arguments, vast expense etc. have to do with genuine love and commitment? Why would you assume it's ok to put your friends to considerable expense to affirm your love and comittment? Why would you not have a simple ceremony, dinner down the pub and use the money for something real rather than one desperately attention seeking day that will cause you more stress than it does pleasure?

[Jengnr]

Fair enough ragwort

You just see so much of that on here and whoever it was begrudging the bride her dress because it meant they had to buy their own drinks really grated my cheese. So sorry,


This next bit isn't aimed at you btw :)

It's possible to have a big wedding and be entirely committed to the marriage and the years ahead - some people on here seem to think you can only have one or the other.

[Ragwort]

Jengnr - neither way is right or wrong but for me I would want to treat my friends to drinks if I am organising the celebration.

To be honest most of the weddings/parties etc I have been to have provided drinks - often they are catered for at home or in a village hall. I don't consider it's grabby of my guests to expect me to provide the food and drinks, it's just how I would organise something.

[Mia4]

Pissed me off

[Mia4]

Dome guests need to.be handholded and considered, especially if there are family and friend rifts. It's very stressful. Some of dp's relatives are divorced and separated very unamicably and we've been told point blank that they won't tolerate each other and telling them not to come will cause further rift.

I also was told by two friends that they were disappointed that I hadn't asked their opinion or help, as was both our sets of parents. Dp and I didn't even think to put on them and wanted to do ourselves. They didnt offer at the time either.

You will always offend someone even if you.bend over backwards because b&g way is not everyone's way. It can be stressful especially when it's the people you last expect putting their oars in. Then of course b&g do their way and it's stressful because.other.people moan and are annoyed about something.

One of my cousins really missed me off. Our venue is v small and has limited amount but it's perfect for our disabled and limited mobility guests, it's perfect for us. We got the numbers down including all family and friends dp's but 6 weeks before the wedding cousin gets a guy, waits til after RSVP and then sends a 're are both coming' small-town no asking just stating. She then creates when we say no and says a good friend should be booted for her dp or maybe one of the grandparents would prefer jot to come since their mobility is bad. Venue won't budge on fire safety Rey numbers or add another meal and we say no anyway because she's an entitled mare. Cue more family dramaand fcreating.

[talulahbelle]

Our wedding all in was £4k, for about 40people and I thought that was a lot. Registry office service at 11am, then off to a local hotel for a midday meal, a fair amount of free booze, and an afternoon on the hotel lawn in the sun playing jenga and chatting with friends. We then booked a bus for the evening to a local bar, where we laid on a buffet and more alcohol for anyone who wanted to join us - about half the guests did in the end, and a fair amount of acquaintances turned up in the evening too.

It was fairly stressful to organise even though I wasn't fussed about invites (emailed out) bridesmaids (we had one friend who was reused a dress she had already as a witness) flowers (a bunch for me but that was it) or table decorations. My mum organised the table decor and I can't even remember what it looked like. We didn't bother with a gift list, as we'd lived together before there didn't seem much point, and avoided the cheesy cash poem too.

Honestly one of the best and most fun days of my life, and I can't say we lost out by skipping a great deal of the wedding tradition. The only thing DH insisted on was a posh car to get us from the registry office to the hotel. One of my favourite memories is me and him drinking whiskey from his hip flask on the way across.

[HappyMummyOfOne]

"I cannot bear it when the wedding becomes more important than the marriage.

And if you can't afford it (without a loan, gifts, selling stuff etc) then don't do it!"

Well said. Most weddings nowadays seem little about the vows and the actual marriage and more "look at me and this big event i can arrange with matching seat covers". No doubt followed by a request that guests pay their entry fee (aka stupid grabby poem asking for cash).

It cant be that stressful to arrange, its one day! How on earth do you think people who plan events for work day it day out cope

[Jengnr]

ragwort Why? You're providing a meal (and I did say wine with that). The rest is the same as any other organised party you go to - you buy your own drinks at the bar be it a wedding, christening, 40th, anniversary party, works do, whatever.

It's not 'for the privilege of watching you get married' it's sharing your celebrations. How many big celebrations have a free bar? I don't think I've ever been to a wedding where all the drinks are free and can't believe that people are so grabby as to expect it tbh.

It's my wedding anniversary today. Our wedding was big ish. We didn't go into debt for it, we had help paying for it. The guests bought their own drinks (and they can't have minded much as the bar was packed), we had a wedding list, I had a fuck off expensive dress and we didn't invite children (except my niece who was a bridesmaid).

It was bloody brilliant. Thankfully the guests we invited were lovely, proper friends and had an amazing time celebrating with us rather than bitching about hotel rooms, pay bars and evening dos.

[RedFocus]

I have no idea why people spend so much on a wedding. It's about love and commitment not getting yourself into debt before you are even married and the run up and day should be spent looking forward to a wonderful celebration of love. Seriously I've been married twice and my first wedding was all I've the top and expensive and look how that turned out, it was like we thought the more money we throw at it the better our marriage will be. My second wedding was small, quiet and only us! Best bloody day of my life! We couldn't be any happier if we tried because the day (as it should be) was about us and our love for one another.

[Ragwort]

Jengnr - no way am I planning to get married a third time but I would always expect as host to provide the drinks at an event I was inviting guests to. I wouldn't expect my guests to travel a long way to my wedding, possibly have to pay for overnight accommodation and then pay for their own drinks for the 'pleasure' of seeing me get married. .

[GertyD]

After reading post after post of offended guests opinions, we have tried so hard to suit everyone. I do believe if you throw a party though (the reception) then you are a host and should cater for and respect your guests. MN has taught me to scrap the wedding breakfast, have everything exceptionally local, not to bother with traditional weather party outfits and once all the effort and arrangements are done, to just get on with it and stop worrying

[Jengnr]

Why the fuck wouldn't you expect the guests to buy their own drinks?

A drink on arrival, wine with the meal, champagne for the toast then you're on your own.

You'd be a pretty shit mate to begrudge your friend their wedding dress because you can't get pissed at their expense.

[MsAspreyDiamonds]

I meant little not luttle!

[MsAspreyDiamonds]

Post this in the wedding section so brides to be can read and gain a luttle perspective!

What's a wedding or a funeral without a bust up?! It's part of the fun and it's traditional to have a row...my SIL fell out with so many people at my wedding. Goodness knows what will happen when she gets married as she is hard work.

[MrsMook]

"Dear close family, we would like to invite you to fly to/ travel across the UK for a 20 min ceremony at the registry office followed by a nice modest pub lunch..." No, not working for me... My aunt had a wonderful wedding along those lines, but that really wouldn't have been right for us, our family and friends.

We had a full.on white wedding for a large number of family and friends. I met some of my extended in-laws for the first or second time through it as DH is the youngest, and there'd been a lack of other weddings and family occasions to give a chance to travel long distance to meet. Weddings have always been an important social occasion and rite of passage, nothing new there.

We had a wedding we could afford, and it was a joyous start to our married life. A hotel was the better option for us and our guests (some took up the camping offer), but all the little trimmings, stationery, decorations were home made, and the 2 year engagement (set for reasons beyond wedding planning) gave good time to spread out the creative phase and do it at an enjoyable pace. We had all the floers, vintage cars etc, but got everything at a sensible price. Flowers and cake were from the market, I got a plain iced cake and made the decor. The car was from a nearby farm and a paying hobby. A lot of love was put into the day, and the memories of our first day of married life st7ll put a smile on my face.

The only source of stress was my mother, but she's managed to work her charms over Christenings and my graduation anyway. The wedding was an excuse to misbehave in the build, nnot the actual cause of the problems.

There's lots of ways to host a great wedding. As long as it suits the couple, theirs and the guests needs, and is a realistic budget for the needs of those concerned. Some people do lose perspective (couple, family or guests) but the majority don't. AIBU isn't really the place to showcase sensible wedding behaviour!

[scantilymad]

We had a big wedding.
Tbh it got so big because we went overboard in trying to make sure all our guests had a brilliant time because a lot of them had travelled (100 miles).
Demands from guests including that we provide childcare during the evening reception for under twos, even though we had no children ourselves. Said guests then leaving at 7pm anyway due to marital tiff, leaving behind a redundant crèche and specially hired nanny.
I think a lot of weddings get out of proportion because some couples really DO try and think of everything their guests might expect and try to accommodate it.
We even did little things like put stamps on all the pre return addressed RSVP cards we sent out with the invitations......
We still got moans!

[JessieMcJessie]

Ha, Famzilla don't kid yourself that a "handmade vintage-style " wedding requires little effort. I am planning my own wedding and if I see one more blog/ mag article about wild flowers in glass jars and patchwork bunting and ice cream trikes and chalk boards hung on trees I will scream. A trad style wedding is actually much easier to organise because venues do packages etc.

As for my own planning we are going trad but not OTT (flower girls but no adult bridesmaids, whole thing in one venue), family have all been lovely and helpful and we're not stressing at all, even though apparently 6 months is a really short time to organise it and we live thousands of miles away from the UK, where it will take place. I'd bore myself if I had to think about it for any longer than that. In fact I am really loving doing it. I agree that seating plans make the experience much less stressful for the guests.

[Viviennemary]

What you say is probably common sense. However, I think a big traditional wedding is very nice just the same. But not if people are spending way beyond their means.

[Famzilla]

YANBU.

DH and I got married in the mayors office, a few of our closest friends present and lunch at a nice hotel afterwards. Told the rest of our mates to meet us at 5pm for drinks. My dress was from miss selfridge, we had a great day and the whole thing cost less than £1000.

Currently have 2 friends getting married this summer, one is having a ridiculous £20k wedding (which she can not afford, everything is on credit) and one is having a little handmade vintage style one. The difference in their stress levels is obvious!

I think it's fine to want your bridesmaids in matching outfits, as long as you consult with them first as to what style/cut suits them etc. I also think seating plans are a good idea and have made quite a few friends from sitting with them at weddings. However the rest of it just screams "victims of consumerism" to me.

[StrawberryTot]

Yanbu, i will never understand the stress involved in planning a wedding!! It makes no sense to be so wound up about a day that's supposed to be joyful.

[Greydog]

Yes, we were told by our son what colours we had to have for his wedding. (bride didn't bother speaking to us!) So, we did as we were told, and smiled happily on the pics, and were so relieved to get the day out of the way!

[Bunbaker]

We had a buffet at our wedding because my mum didn't want the hassle of working out seating plans and it was cheaper.

Yes, my mum arranged my wedding because 30 odd years ago it was often the parents of the bride who did it - and paid for it. Besides, I was at college and was pretty laid back about the whole thing as I had no firm ideas about what I wanted.

[overmydeadbody]

I'm getting married in the summer and can't wait! Our aim is to give our closest friends and family a really good party, in celebration of our marriage and commitment to each other, and while it is not stressing me out I can see how it could, as there is so much to do and organise, and we are trying to do it all ourselves.

I am handmaking all the invitations, because I want to and it reflects me as a person. Some people might think that is not necessary, but I want to. Will have to do 34 of them as most of our guests are couples so not too many.

Certain people asked us if they could be best man and bridesmaid, so we said yes but they could wear whatever they want.

We are not bothering with favours or cars or chair covers or table centrepieces, but we will provide lots of drink for free, and have a seating plan because some people might stress out if they don't know where to sit, and then there is the awkward thing of sitting somewhere and then wishing you had chosen a different place, so a seating plan eliminates that, we can put people together who we know will want to sit together on the night and chat.

We won't have a present list or ask for money, but we are asking people to bake us a cake or pudding of their choice, which we will then share with everyone on the night!

I can't wait!

[DioneTheDiabolist]

YY Joysmum.