To not understand attitudes to weddings

[Sarahschuster]

Family member currently planning wedding. She and her partner are fretting about:

Which friend takes on what role and whether this will cause resentment.
Who should pay for the tasteless matching outfits they are insisting people wear.
Seating pans for meal.
How to afford the 20 grand the whole thing is going to cost.
Arguments over who can/can't afford overnight accommodation out of their friends.
What they can get away with demanding in the wayof expensive gifts.
Already predicting which friends will not get them generous enough gifts.

From the evidence of numerous MN threads, this is pretty common. AIBU to wonder what on earth is wrong with people? If you want to make a public commitment together, great. What on earth do endless bridesmaids, groomsmen, hideous outfits, arguments, vast expense etc. have to do with genuine love and commitment? Why would you assume it's ok to put your friends to considerable expense to affirm your love and comittment? Why would you not have a simple ceremony, dinner down the pub and use the money for something real rather than one desperately attention seeking day that will cause you more stress than it does pleasure?

Because getting all stressy over details is all part of the fun for the couple. Seriously. It is. Even if they don't see it at the time.

I can sort of get how people can get sucked into the massive wedding thing now. When I got married, no one (apart from very rich people, presumably) did any of that stuff. What is now very low-key, was then normal. A huge industry has built up around weddings and it takes a strong person to resist that if it's not what they really want - and if it's what you do want, and you can afford it, why not?

The internet is also responsible for a lot of this. In the past, you only experienced a few weddings and pretty much assumed they are all the same, at heart. But now? the possibilities are endless...

OH and I have raised marriage in future. I had a slightly bonkers phase of googling all sorts of wedding stuff and finding WOW! ideas and stuff that look amazing, and how wonderful, and how creative and unusual blah blah blah. Oh yes, I wanted to do all sorts of things. Was wondering how much it would cost to buy the material to make several hundred feet of bunting. Wondering if I could learn how to make book sculptures for centrepieces as part of something that would be a fab 'theme' for the two of us. Then gave myself a slap and pulled myself together.

I've been to a couple of real fancy pants expensive weddings (one in a ruined castle!). I've been to very low-budget basic weddings. I've enjoyed all of them - yes some of the expensive options are kinda fun as extras, but I get a tear in my eye just the same when the couple take their vows no matter where they are or what they spent. I do the same chatting and socialising with family and friends no matter what the wedding's like. I wouldn't say either type of wedding is wrong - if the couple are happy with it, then that's their choice.

I think it's the fact that so many people are involved in a wedding. DH and I wanted ours to be stress-free (and cheap!!) which it was to a certain extent but my mum told people they would be invited when we hadn't planned on inviting them, my aunt threw a strop because I hadn't invited my cousin's partner (I didn't know she had a new partner), sister got shirty with me when I didn't invite her to buy bridesmaids dresses (her daughter was bridesmaid), a colleague asked me to invite someone else from work because he fancied her and it would be a good opportunity to get off better acquainted with her, another "friend" was cross because i hadn't invited her (teenage) children etc etc etc
Too many expectations IMO

One of the best weddings I went to was a very simple registry office do then on to a pub for dinner and a disco. Only about 25-30 people, also the bride and groom had no money so has asked when they invited people if they could please pay for their own meal instead of giving any presents (just ordered off the pub menu).

I know this sort of request who have steam coming out of the ears of many MNeters "how dare they suggest I pay for my own meal, if they can't afford to pay for people then they shouldn't invite them". I thought it was a very sensible request, they really wanted the people they loved to come, just couldn't afford to pay for 25+ meals in a restaurant.

Totally agree!

20k?! That's a deposit! Our wedding cost 6k and 2k of that was our travelling honeymoon in the States!

What was important to us (& still is!) is the marriage. We had a traditional Catholic wedding (as DH is Catholic but I converted), we didn't want children there so we said "no children", we didn't want expensive extras like flowers in church or fizz on arrival. All this was shock, horror to MIL but we said if YOU want it YOU pay for it!

We're still very happy with the wedding we had & I want stressed once.

My friend on the other hand is marrying in 2 years time - she's already been to her zillionth wedding fare ...

I loved my big Wedding - wouldn't have had it any other way!!
We arranged it in 5 months, paid for half of it as we went along via our monthly pay and the rest went on the Credit Card. There were a few stressful moments but overall it was just fantastic. We had an amazing day!!

We didn't do a Gift List though - can't stand them

Some of the nicest weddings I have been to were the simplest ones, and incidentally the cheapest.
The worst have always been the most elaborate, expensive and regimented ones. I have been to a society wedding that the bride boasted cost £80k. It was an awful experience - every guest was inspected on arrival to check that they were dressed in accordance with the specification.
YABU

Do you want them to sit on the floor and eat porridge?And to be very very quite and very very modest?

Interesting. I do get it that you can say "no" to attending a bridezilla type function, but this in itself can result in some unpleasantness if the bridezilla thinks it is your duty to be there. I am being judgemental, I know I am, and wouldn't criticise a bride/groom to be directly in the midst of their stress, hence venting on MN! I don't understand those who say they "have" to do things a certain way because of family pressure. You don't "have" to spend tens of thousands of pounds on a wedding because your MIL/FIL is an arse. "Just say no"applies here too, what with being an adult and all. I do think there is something unbearably tacky about the obsessive matching outfits/competitiveness/grabbiness, although of course i recognise that this is a matter of personal taste. I do jump to the conclusion that somebody who focuses on the having fun, making a commitment, celebrating with loved ones in a way that accessible and affordable way for all those they want to be there, and not fussing hysterically about perceived slights/how it will look on facebook are the ones likely to have a happier long term relationship with their partner/family/friends...

I don't understand why weddings are so stressful really. Aren't they supposed to be FUN?

Mine was in Marylebone registry office, we got picked up in a mad Indian car, partied like mad in an obscure but gorgeous little museum, had booze delivered by majestic (so much that I was handing bottles to people as they were leaving), had a company make Indian street food on site, and my ipod wedding playlists that I made did all the music. The whole thing, including the venue, but apart from the registry office itself was sorted in 6 days. The six days prior to the wedding. I bought my dress two days before. No gift list, no demands, I didn't even have a proper ring (but I had an amazing red carpet style dress...) nobody had to shell out any money apart from public transport to get to the venues and all guests were welcome to the whole day. We were all VIPs!

It was bloody brilliant fun and cost just under two grand. And I didn't offend anybody.

On the flip side I have, like tidydancer, been uninvited from the meal/service part of a very good friend's wedding for one of the most ridiculous and downright rude reasons I've ever known (we were bumped to make way for a gay couple - also really good friends of ours - because the bride said "they don't get to go to many weddings, being gay." I mean really, what the actual fuck?" We had the invite and everything.)

I've turned up at a wedding with no food and a cash bar (fine if they'd let us know beforehand)

One thing I've always wondered, can anyone tell me, hand on heart, that they really, really care about those sugared almond things in little bags? They're not even nice to eat. I suppose you can throw them at people...

Well in the same way someone can say 'i don't understand why you bother to cook turkey on Christmas, we had beans on toast and it was fab'.
Or 'why do you have internet at home, we are going to the library to use the internet'.

I mean unless the wedding is abroad and they expect you to pay flights etc i don't see why all this rage and bitterness. Maybe they like big parties. All this about 'tacky' outfits sounds a bit bitter and pretendious to me.

I think there is s difference in the examples you give, laquitar. My point is these massive weddings seem in a lot of cases to cause a lot of stress and misery to all concerned. I absolutely do think weddings should be joyful affairs, featuring a good dinner and lots of fun. I just don't think matching satin ivory shoes/insisting everybody buys expensive gifts/getting upset when people can't make it to Barbados is particularly conducive to actual fun. And a little puzzled at your suggestion that my aversion to matching wedding outfits is somehow about "bitterness"... DP and I earn a decent amount of money between us and could have afforded to buy a set of hideous dresses for a gaggle of bridesmaids, but actually do just find that sort of thing not to our taste.

Well then dress according to your good taste and let others dress as they like.if they like satin high heels what is to do with you?

(This from someone who wore wedges shoes)

I preferred not to have hideous and tasteless bridesmaids dresses and instead choose ones I liked. We hired rather than bought. We didn't have the best of anything but I struggle to see how spending less equates to less stress?

Our friends got married on a budget this weekend and they were just as anxious about having their perfect days as those with a greater budget.

I think the satin high heels only become a problem when bridezilla types expect their 23 bridesmaids to pay large amounts of money for them. And I don't think spending more necessarily equals more stress, if you can afford it and aren't expecting others to pay more than they can afford to attend the wedding, or leeching of struggling parents to fund it.

Off, not of.

Hate those over the top weddings....usually not classy at all....

Especially stupid if you don't have the means to pay for it. Starting married life with debts for a wedding day seems clueless to me.

Are you bridedmaid? You did't say this in your op.

DH and I had the most relaxed wedding amongst our group of friends, but there were still stresses - we had a marquee in a farmer friend's field, had a hog roast, and a free bar (job lot of booze on sale and return from the local cash and carry) We just wanted to get married with all our mates and family, drink, dance and have a laugh, we had no formal stuff

We had a late ceremony so we could invite everyone to the whole thing and have no evening only guests, had no proper top table, no gift list, I didn't have any bridesmaids, etc

It was still a nightmare to organise, MiL took huge offence at virtually the whole thing, my gran didn't approve of us not bothering with a receiving line, 2 of DH's friends had hissy fits over DH not choosing them to be best man.

Minefield, no wonder people get stressed trying to organise them

I didn't say I was currently a bridesmaid because I'm not. But I have had a few friends who have been recently, and have been very stressed by the bridezilla and her practical/financial demands.

I think I live on a parallel universe as far as most of Mnet is concerned. 23 years ago we had a very simple wedding and it cost about £7,000.

Wedding at 3.30pm - everyone arrived at the reception at about 5/5.30ish (service was an hour followed by some photos), fizzy wine, pimms and beer luckily on the lawn because it was a lovely day before dinner at 6.45, sit down dinner, table plans were easy, no favours or grand gestures, no evening party or disco but we had a string quartet. Nobody was expected to buy a drink because they were our guests but we did have a present list with gifts to suit all budgets and would not in a million years have dreamt of asking for money.

Did it at home with a tent for the reception.

No fuss, no arguments, no nonsense, everyone had a lovely time, it was the best day of my life, with no dramas or stresses. That budget then was fairly average for a "poshish" wedding.

There are people around me at work getting ready and I cannot believe the fuss, handmade cake decorations and invitations, bands and buffets for after parties, arguments between six bridesmaids over dresses, not just favours but favours wrapped in cellophane with the right coloured hearts, a fit about flowers in church (getting married in lent), shoes for £300 a pair, close friends and partners being told to colour co-ordinate ties and outfits (black tail coat - silver and black tie - no?)

And not much thought about the fact that it's a marriage; not an excuse for an over the top party. The bit I don't get is the excessive spending on the frock and frippery and then asking people to buy their own drinks. Surely it's a marriage and you invite your friends to celebrate with you and your friends are more important than thousands blown on stuff for one day.

I think I'll tell dd to run away to Gretna Green!

Stinkerbell Completely agree!

I had a registry office and pub affair.

It was still a big, relatively expensive, stressful thing to arrange.

All worth it on the day mind you

The wedding Kendodd describes I'd be absolutely fine with - just delighted for the couple. The sort that get my goat are when the bride turns up in a three grand dress, lets off doves, has a spectacular cake, fancy pants favours and expects the guests to pay for their own drinks. I just think that's the really bad manners.

If the do is modest and money's tight I'm more than happy to contribute to the cost of the meal and the drinks but when some things are lavish and the guests aren't properly hosted is what irks.

My friend is getting married and they have paid their 'top of the range' photographer just over £1'000 for a package deal that means they have her from 10am until the time that the meal ends, which will probably finish at about 4pm But because they obviously want photos of other events like the a reception, cutting of the cake, First Dance etc they are having to pay her another £100 an hour to cover this. In total they have paid out over £1'500 just for the photographer!!! This is no big expenditure in her eyes though.....

I paid £500 for mine, he stayed 11 hours and we got just under 500 photos

I told my friend about him but no, she has to have this specific one because she is known to be 'one of the best' apparently

I think that mostly people do understand that a wedding is actually about the start of a marriage. The ceremony is of course the most important thing, but it is a cause for celebration and if people want to make it into the biggest celebration they will ever have then why not? The stress I think comes from having to organise the thing: the whole event/party planner role is pretty alien to most people.
Further, mentioning the word 'wedding' makes some people have ridiculous expectations as guest too. If someone is invited to come round for dinner, they woudn't insist on their children or their Auntie Vera being invited, and yet if it is a wedding invitation some people do think that it's OK to do that.
I'm planning our wedding. We're both late 40s, financially independent, lots of children between us. We are both old and ugly enough to buck convention and do what we want, and yet not a week goes by without a relative (usually my Mum) or a friend phoning to say 'people won't like such and such' or getting upset about the guest list. Were I more starry eyed over the whole thing and hadn't expected it to be a logistical puzzle as much as a celebration then I think I would be feeling the pressure too.
so, YABU, because even though all those fripperies aren't important to you (or me) they are important to the couple in question and therefore they will worry about making everything as nice as possible for their celebration.

Why on earth would it be psychologically so stressful to have a party?

That 's essentially what everyone is saying is so worrying.

Bigger party than you've ever thrown etc, well maybe but if it's so big to be causing you stress, make it smaller.

Last time I had a big party I Hired a pub function room with a phone call. Invited people by word of mouth. Went shopping the afternoon of the party and catered it myself, took to food down and laid it out. Went home, chose an outfit from the wardrobe. Turned up at appointed time and got drunk with 100 of my nearest and dearest.

Eight hours or so of effort max.

We have up to 60 people at the kids parties, that's twice a year. We had 40 ish to new baby party at home when the baby was three weeks old.

I really really don't see how it being a wedding could make a party so much more stressful.